Hard Digest Feb. 17: Early Access Johnny Ramone, Perverts, Catalytic Converters, and More

Oh No: I Was Visited by the Ghost of Johnny Ramone Last Night and He Was Wearing a MAGA Hat

BY CHRIS BOWEN 

Last night, I was visited by a punk rock god by the name of Johnny Ramone. Well, not exactly visited by him in person, because his physical body has been dead for 20 years now, but it was certainly his ghost. And although being a huge Ramones fan all my life, it turned out to be one of the most disappointing moments of my entire existence. Disappointing because on top of Johnny’s trademark mop-top sat a bright red MAGA hat.

They say not to meet your idols, but no one ever said you shouldn’t meet your dead idol’s ghost. I’ve learned that fact the hard way.

Now, I know I shouldn’t be totally shocked that Johnny would be a Trumper. I mean, look at how much he loved George W. Bush before he passed away. “God Bless George Bush?” of course if he were around, or his ghost were around, he’d mostly likely become the punk voice of the MAGA cult. But having him in ghost form visit me unannounced and saying “Stop the steal” in that thick Brooklyn accent makes me question if I ever want to listen to “Road to Ruin” ever again!

This hat ordeal was really only the beginning. He kept going on about how Trump is a “Victim of a modern day witch hunt,” and “Let’s go Brandon” at whatever chance he got. I wanted to talk to him about I don’t know…the early CBGB days or what it was like working with Phil Specter or something. But nope, he seemed like he couldn’t even hear me. You know how difficult it is to have an apparition of your idol show up in your apartment spouting right wing nonsense while wearing a MAGA hat and a Mickey Mouse t-shirt? I really wish Dee Dee would have shown up instead.

This whole experience has opened my eyes to something I never even thought of before. Something that I probably should have considered decades ago. And that is I should probably slow down on sniffing glue in my bed at night before falling asleep.

Hardcore Frontman Midway Through Rambling, Philosophical Monologue Informs Audience That All of Venue’s Doors and Windows Have Been Locked From the Outside

BY JAMES KNAPP 

TYLER, Texas. — Local hardcore band Crate Full of Saws recently alarmed audience members when, in the middle of an unfocused and seemingly endless speech, the band’s frontman communicated that all of the venue’s means of egress had been firmly locked from the outside, suddenly very nervous sources confirmed.

“He was going on and on about unity and how we are all of the same blood and a couple people went to step outside for a smoke and that’s when we were told there was no escape. I really can’t believe I’m trapped listening to this low-rent philosophy lecture right now,” said showgoer Teresa Chandler while frantically checking latches. “I don’t even know who this band is, but for the past twenty minutes I’ve been forced to listen to this weird diatribe, he’s actually pulled up a PowerPoint presentation about the importance of loyalty. This should be considered illegal detainment.

Crate Full of Saws frontman Steve “The Prophet” Howard took a brief break from his ongoing remarks to remark on said remarks.

“I’m just trying to keep it real out here! I believe that a positive mental attitude is the most important part of better living,” began Howard before obviously losing this thread as his eyes glazed over. “I also believe that the Gulf of Tonkin was an inside job by the Disney corporation, women voters are the reason that the moon landing wasn’t faked, and that Sigmund Freud didn’t die, he just got really sleepy. So I’ve been trying to tie all that into this spiel as well.”

Local Fire Marshal Peter Stiller expressed his disapproval for locking people inside a building under any circumstances.

“I’ve seen this happen too many times. Some new hardcore band realizes they only have 10 minutes of material for a 20-minute set so the frontman is tasked with lecturing everyone. But imprisoning people while ranting about the scene is a bad idea, this venue already has two strikes against it,” stated Stiller. “I’m shutting this crap down, if they want they can finish up their little conspiracy seminar in the parking lot, but I’m guessing by the way everyone is all bolting for the doors that that’s probably a nonstarter.”

At press time, Crate Full of Saws had cornered the show’s promoter and claimed that Howard’s speech put them long over their set time and they should get paid double.

Pervert at Burlesque Show Doesn’t Have All Day

BY DOUG KOLIC 

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Local sexual deviant Glen O’Roarke wished the performers at the Cabaret Tease Burlesque Show would hurry up and get naked already because he didn’t have all day, confirmed much more patient sources.

“What’s a guy gotta do to see some full-frontal up in this joint?” said O’Roarke as he impatiently tapped his wristwatch at the dancers. “I’m only checking this place out because my normal peeler bar asked/told me not to come around anymore because of my ‘vibe,’ but I’ve already been here milking this beer for 40 minutes and so far all I’ve seen are frilly knickers, some side boob, and a bunch of long comedy skits. If I had known these chicks would be such prudes I would have just gone to Victoria’s Secret to leer at the mannequins for free.”

Performer Honey Vixen described the unruly customer.

“What kind of moron’s never heard of a burlesque show?” stated Vixen. “Everyone should know we’re not that kind of a club. We offer a unique one-of-a-kind entertainment experience, we’re not here just to flash you so you can get off. But this weirdo really freaked everyone out, obnoxiously chanting to see more skin and getting upset when he couldn’t get a lap dance. We tried to ignore him, but after he made it rain on one of the girls our bouncer Beretta Royale had no choice but to throw him out and teach him a lesson.”

Psychologist Dr. Chris Sampson explained that it’s not uncommon for perverts to misjudge their surroundings and make people uncomfortable.

“Society has a long history of trying to coexist with degenerates,” Dr. Sampson stated. “For as long as human civilization has been around, there has always been a group of dirty men skeeving everyone out. These people spend so much time in houses of ill-repute that they get a warped sense of reality and expect nudity everywhere. Ignoring them is tricky because it can have the opposite effect, so I recommend removing them as quickly as possible and if that doesn’t work a can of mace will.”

At press time, the club was able to continue the show uninterrupted while O’Roarke was finally able to get satisfaction after getting kicked in the balls by the bouncer, which was apparently one of his many sick kinks.

Help! I Stole This Catalytic Converter but I’m Not Even Sure What It Does

BY HOLDEN KLYM 

Rent was due and I needed cash fast. What was I to do? Doordashing doesn’t get me much, neither does driving for a ride-share service. If I was going to avoid eviction, I knew I would have to turn to a life of crime.

Shoplifting wouldn’t get me anywhere, and holding up a bank felt like too extreme of a measure, so I decided to get into the catalytic converter game. There’s been enough memes about them online lately. There’s gotta be a high demand.

I went outside and started hunting the part down. I was shocked to find a catalytic converter in every single car on my block, even on MY car! I may drive a beater but clearly, it’s got some hidden gems. And crumbs between the seats. And a loud rumbling sound coming from the engine. That’s got nothing to do with me removing the catalytic converter though since all my neighbor’s cars are having the same issue. There must be something in the air.

Okay, so, I have a bunch of catalytic converters. Great. Now what, whats the next step? What does a catalytic converter even do? Does anyone know? I’d call my buddy who knows a bit about cars to ask what he thinks but that wouldn’t end well. Suddenly, it’d be all about how I’m “too old to be doing this” and need to just “get a real job” and “Wait, did you steal my catalytic converter too?” and on and on.

I put in the description for the Facebook Marketplace listing that they all “convert catalytics very well.” I’d hoped that would be convincing enough. Only a few messages have rolled in about them—all from my neighbors. People keep asking me if the part is CARB-compliant. What does gluten have to do with this? I’m pretty sure if you put bread in it, you’ll die or something. I don’t know, that’s at least how it’d work with an exhaust pipe. They’re basically the same.

I never would’ve gotten into this if I knew how much people would expect me to know about cars. Oh, well. At least if it doesn’t sell I could find a way to turn it into a bong—I know people wouldn’t ask as many questions about that before buying it.

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Sony Promises Helldivers 3 Will Debut With at Least Two, Possibly Three Servers

BY MATT SAINCOME 

Sony announced to much celebration today that their hit title Helldivers 2 will be getting an immediate follow up in Helldivers 3, which will boast two or maybe even three servers.

“The fans have spoken,” said Kenichiro Yoshida, CEO. “Today we are proud to say Helldivers 3 with launch with two, or maybe even three servers. Plus we’ll have a fire extinguisher in the room at all times.”

“One of those cute little portable ones,” he added.

Co-op gamers who certainly have enough friends to really enjoy the game were reportedly excited by the news.

“There’s no way to know how many servers you’re going to need so I’m glad they’re playing it safe this time,” Danny ‘D-manDiver’ Smith, said. “Last time me and the boys couldn’t even get into the game. I had so many friends blowing up my phone and ready to play it was crazy — but I couldn’t get in. That’s why I didn’t play.”

Greg Holsten, chair of the technology department at MIT and video game industry analyst, applauded the decision by Sony to play it safe with the inclusion of the a single, one time use fire extinguisher in the new Helldivers 3 server room.

“I also heard they got a bigger apartment for the servers and stopped stacking so many papers on top of them. Should be great,” he said.

As of press time there were conflicting reports that the Helldivers 3 servers were already under siege by Automatons.