thehardtimes

Hard Digest Feb. 16: Weekend Early Access, Air Drumming, Snoop, Pokemon and So Much More

Added 2024-02-17 01:00:05 +0000 UTC

Teen Shocked to Learn Commercial Spokesperson Snoop Dogg Used to be a Musician

SPOKANE, Wash. — Local Gen Alpha teen Angelina Stephenson was shocked and appalled to learn that famed commercial actor Snoop Dogg was not only not a fictional mascot, but once a well-respected musician, confirmed sources who used to own “Doggystyle” on CD.

“I was on YouTube watching an unskippable ad starring that dude Snoop Dogg was pushing Bic lighters. Which is weird, because I thought he was the spokesperson for Corona. Or was it Tostitos? Or The General? I didn’t realize brands lent out their fictional characters to other companies,” said Stephenson. “I asked my dad about it. But it turns out Snoop Dogg isn’t a character invented solely to sell cheap insurance and Mexican beer. He’s like a real person named Calvin. I mean, I knew Snoop wasn’t his real name, but I figured it was like Flo from the Progressive commercials or something.”

Stephenson’s Gen Z older brother Michael lamented the ignorance of his sister’s generation.

“These kids today just don’t get,” explained the 24-year-old. “Of course, Snoop Dogg was more than just some crip-walking caricature. His career actually started as an actor way back in the mid-’90s, playing bit parts in movies. Gen Z is well aware of Snoop’s previous artistic endeavors, such as his role as Ronnie Rizzatt in ‘Malibu’s Most Wanted,’ and Smoove Move in ‘Turbo.’ Now he’s just a fucking sellout, man.”

Sociologist Anna Chaney elaborated on the surprisingly common phenomenon.

“Longevity in the entertainment industry is both a blessing and a curse. Snoop Dogg is of course still a cultural icon, even if young people are completely unaware of his music career,” said Chaney. “But this ignorance of the past is not unique to Gen Alpha. For instance, while Baby Boomers fell in love with Paul Lynde as a flamboyant comedic actor, he first came into public consciousness as a sniper in the Korean War, setting a new record for confirmed kills. And then there’s Mark Wahlberg, Sean Penn, and Matthew Broderick, who all did horrible things in the past we now choose to ignore.”

When reached for comment, Snoop Dogg was unavailable as he was simultaneously filming commercials for Tyson Chicken, PETA, and Diva Cups.

Dude Air Drumming at Show Wondering if Crowd Saw Him Miss the Hi-Hat on That Last One

BY TIM GILL

BOULDER, Colo. – Local man Rozco Ambo admitted he was concerned that the entire crowd watched him completely botch his air drumming routine during a recent performance by his favorite band Propagandhi, sources confirmed.

“Dude. I know ‘Back to the Motor League’ as well as I know the lunch menu at Boulder Vegan Cafe, man. How could I have missed the hi-hat? I practice that shit every day. My boss told me if I don’t stop air drumming during my shift he’s going to have to hire a new crossing guard,” said Ambo while hiding in a dark corner. “Everything was going perfect for most of the song. I nailed the groove, the fills, I had it all then all of a sudden I just completely whiffed on the hi-hat. Thankfully the guys in the band were able to play through it, but the people standing behind me are probably still laughing their asses off at my mistake.”

Another concertgoer observed Ambo sulking in the rear of the venue.

“I can’t believe that guy. That was one of the saddest displays of air drumming I’ve ever seen. I was deep in the pocket playing air bass and I was trying to lock in with him, but he made way too many mistakes. It was unprofessional to say the least,” said Lizzie Foster. “Anyone could see he was completely off. Jord was doing a standard paradiddle behind the kit and this guy in the crowd is air-bashing cymbals like he was Neil Peart. If you can’t keep air time then please don’t come an air drum at any show I’m at.”

Ryan Utes, a local air instrument expert, says a lot of people overestimate their air-playing skills.

“I can understand the frustration. It’s easy to air drum at home when the bright stage lights that aren’t anywhere near you are turned off, but the pressure of doing it live can be too much for some people,” said Utes. It’s no easy street, but if you are at a show and start jamming along, you had better get it right. Tre Cool from Green Day is known to leave the stage and cancel the rest of the show if he sees people air drumming incorrectly. This is not a game to some people.”

At press time, Ambo was being charged with assault after he allegedly injured the bartender’s eye when he air threw his air sticks in frustration.

Here’s How I Get 8 Whole Minutes Of Sleep By Remembering Something Embarrassing I Did 12 Years Ago

BY JORDAN LIFFENGREN

If you’re like me you probably stay up all hours of the night tossing and turning while trying to stop your brain from remembering an embarrassing interaction from over a decade ago. Well guess what—you can get shut-eye, too! After several months of therapy, I’ve managed to get 8 whole minutes of deep sleep some nights of the week. Here’s how I managed to get a bit of R&R after reliving the ultimate nightmare: once calling my boss “mom” during a company meeting.

It happens every once in a while. I’ll be lying in bed after a long day of work. I take a deep breath as I feel myself drifting off into a peaceful slumber. Suddenly a flash of light sends me straight back to my worst memory.

It’s 2012 and I’m working my first big-boy job. I’m attending one of those all-hands meetings that start at 8 a.m. There are never enough ugly, company-branded mugs or sad pizza parties to make up for them. Pat, the wholly sinister HR woman, tells everyone, “clap your hands twice if can hear me,” with a shit-eating grin on her face.

I look down and distinctly remember the corporate blue polo shirt I was wearing when the tragedy occured. I’ve burned it since. My boss Kelly is sitting across from me going over some Q4 bullshit. In a single careless moment, I ask a question and accidentally address Kelly as “mom” in front of 50 people.

There it is—the sick, perverse word hanging above the conference table. I feel like I’m going to vomit. The silence is loud as Kelly contorts her face in a way that makes me think I’m going to be put on some type of list.

I’m quickly pulled back into reality. I open my eyes and realize I’m at home in bed. This happened during the first Obama administration. There’s no way anyone remembers this, right? It was probably just one of those fleeting moments that only I remember. It’d be selfish to think people are still thinking about this. I mean, it happens all the time, right? No one’s retelling this story at a party and laughing at my expense, are they? My ex-coworkers wouldn’t use my humiliating moment as a way to… climax… would they?

I’ve started seeing someone about this—a sleep specialist who recommends hypnotherapy. She says this will bury the memory so deep, I’ll only relive it in my nightmares. The tradeoff for sleeping again is that I’ll have more nightmares.

So far it’s working. I’ve developed a nasty rash around all of my orifices that has hindered my sex life, but I’m getting 8 whole minutes of sleep at least 2 nights a week! Almost got to 9 last night. It’s kind of a miracle. And this is why I know you can do it too.

Next I’ll be addressing that time I told a joke and no one heard, so I had to repeat it after the moment had passed and no one laughed. I might not sleep for another 2 years.

Opinion: Stop Slut Shaming Rachel Dolezal for Her OnlyFans, The Regular Avenues of Shaming Her Work Just Fine

BY DAN RICE

When will Americans finally learn to head that old maxim “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”? Recently the woman formerly known as Rachel Dolezal was fired from her teaching position when it was revealed she has an OnlyFans account. It was a move that was prudish, antiquated, and completely unnecessary. You could have just not hired her to begin with, she’s Rachel Dolezal.

What a woman does with her body is her business. Whether it’s to make a little extra money or merely express and explore her sexuality, posting lewd photos on a website for consenting adults should not bar her from any other form of employment, period. Now, masquerading as a person of color and even rising through the ranks of your local NAACP chapter before being found out, that’s another story.

Firing Rachel Dolezal over having an OnlyFans page is like firing Armie Hammer over his performance in “The Lone Ranger.” There are way better reasons to fire those people! Reasons not routed in harmful slut shaming and dated notions on human sexuality.

It’s sad that America’s attitude toward sex work is so behind the times. Especially when our attitude toward blackface is apparently “Well, they can still be a teacher.” This country needs 100% less hate and 100% more horniness.

If one of my son’s teachers, say Ms. Donnavan for example, had an Onlyfans account (she doesn’t, I’ve checked several times,) I would have absolutely no problem with her continuing to educate my child. She is an adult, with agency, and I would have no doubt that she is capable of separating her professional and personal life. I would not raise a fuss, and I would pay top dollar for a video of her smoking a cigarette and talking about how a worm like me could never please her.

Now, if Ms. Donnavan was an infamous race impersonator who committed welfare fraud after the release of her book “In Full Color: Finding My Place in a Black and White World,” I might petition the school board to review her terms of employment.

If the Arizona school board has any interest in joining the rest of us here in the 21st century they will rehire Rachel Dolezal and then fire her again for the right reason.

She’s not even posing nude on her Onlyfans! Not saying she should be fired for that either, but like, could I have my $9.99 back?

Game Freak Lays Off 300 Pokemon

BY NICK COFFMAN

TOKYO – Game Freak, the makers of Pokemon, reportedly laid off 300 Pokemon today, roughly 30 percent of its total pocket monster workforce, according to internal company emails leaked on social media.

“Those impacted by today’s restructuring will continue to have access to company healing and revive potions for three months, and any unpaid rest days will be credited as one turn instead of two,” Satoshi Tajiri, President of Game Freak, wrote in the memo. “Those who remain but are unwilling to wield a firearm for ethical or moral reasons will be offered buyouts.”

The move comes after a few so-so releases from Game Freak in the form of Pokemon Scarlet and Violet, as well as outside pressure from rival Palworld.

“We missed the mark with Scarlet and Violet. These failures fall on leadership, which is why you’ll be the one who pays for it,” Tajiri continued later on in the memo. “We want you to know your talents will not be forgotten – or used elsewhere as we have a very strict non-compete.”

Layoffs are still rolling out to those affected in haphazard emails. We caught up with one of the Pokemon let go to ask them about their future in the pocket monster industry.

“Mr. mime mr. mime mr. mime,” Mr. Mime said with tears in his eyes. “Mr. mime. Mr. mime mr. mime mr. mime.”

At press Mr. Mime could be seen entering Pocket Pair Inc. HQ with a loaded gun in one hand and his resume in the other.

Chess Courts Female Players With New Busty Rook, Complete With Pink Bow

BY ALEXANDRA JOHNSON

ESPORTS ARENA – Officials from the International Chess Federation FIDE along with Chess.com executives announced today a new, bustier Rook with a cute little pink bow, which women should just gobble up like crazy.

“We were devastated to hear women are less likely to pursue the rigorous game of chess and to work right away,” said the President of Chess, John Bishop, while avoiding eye contact with the woman interviewer the entire time. “So today we are unveiling exciting new Girl Power initiatives across the board, including Cookie the Rookie, the Rook’s quirky, cute lady friend.”

Chess.com’s Executive Vice President of Girl Characters Dean Harrison was excited to partner with chess to design the second girl piece of the game.

“Female character design is my passion. Chess needs real girl representation like Cookie. She doesn’t take herself too seriously. She is petite, athletic, and not like other girls,” he said. “Just like Ms Pac-Man, she’s sassy but nonthreatening – so we need a pink bow! Finally, she looks just like the rook, but Cookie keeps a reasonably tight 38-20-35.”

The online chess community is vibrating internally with controversy over the news, which some say too fundamentally transforms the centuries-old game. But not everyone wants the game to remain only for grandfathers in parks or movie scenes attempting to introduce metaphorical themes.

“I am excited for Cookie the Rookie to slide into Chess’ open file,” said popular streamer Elijah “The PAWNisher” Tuttle. “She is ready to take passive sexism and online harassment like a champ, unlike other female chess competitors who keep trying to make it a whole thing.”

At press time, some community members were seen arguing the “woke” Queen is way too overpowered and should be nerfed.

Sony Announces PlayStation 5 Part II Remastered

BY THOMAS WILDE

Following a series of increasingly incredulous leaks on social media, Sony has confirmed the next model of PlayStation will be an enhanced edition of the PlayStation 5.

“You’ve got to play to your strengths,” said Hermen Hulst, head of PlayStation Studios. “We’ve seen incredible success with repeatedly remastering, remaking, reshuffling, and reforging our established library of PlayStation exclusives. Now, by remastering the original PlayStation 5 hardware, we’re cutting out the middle man.”

The remastered PlayStation 5, or PS5R, offers new features such as improved heat management, a new “drift-proof” edition of the DualSense controller, and no new games.

Sony insiders who’ve spent time with the new unit report the PS5R is quieter, runs cooler, and “does everything it should’ve done in the first place” (Otis Phelps, the Verge).

“It’s a fundamental, ground-up reinvention of the original hardware,” wrote DigitalFoundry’s Steve Bacon. “The PS5R fits more neatly into my entertainment center, doesn’t look like an art-deco dehumidifier, and can run all my old PlayStation 4 games right off the disc at a perfect 120 frames per second. It’s such a significant improvement over the launch-edition PS5 that I can’t believe they actually offered the launch-edition PS5 in the first place.”

Added Bacon, “Oh, wait. I owned a PlayStation 3. I absolutely can believe this.”

The standard edition of the PS5R offers a Blu-ray compatible internal disc drive which is capable of playing software from all five generations of PlayStation hardware via a custom emulation package. Old games that have been “auto-remastered” by the PS5R feature better color depth, smoother animation, and inexplicable developer commentary by Naughty Dog’s Neil Druckmann, despite his not having much if anything to do with 99% of the established PlayStation library.

“I didn’t record this,” Druckmann said ominously. “I’m not sure what’s happening. Is that me? Am I me?”

At press time preorders for the PS5R have sold out despite explicitly stating on the listing that the launch version will randomly explode at some point in the next two years.