thehardtimes

Hard Digest Feb. 15: Early Access Dispensary Throwback Night, Generational Trauma, Fortnite and more

Added 2024-02-16 01:00:10 +0000 UTC

America Combines Most Popular Sport With Most Popular Tragedy

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — A mass shooting that left one dead and at least 30 others injured at the Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl Parade, left sociologists wondering if our country has witnessed what some are calling a “peak American event.”

“Of all the mass shootings America has seen—and I’ve studied hundreds of them in just the past two years alone—I think this one is significant,” said American Sociologist Earl Blankenshire. “I once studied a hot dog contest that raised money for homeless veterans and ‘I thought, can an event possibly be a more accurate summation of modern America?’ and then this happens. I think we’ve seen possibly the most American event of all time. Maybe even rivaling the time that Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at George Bush.”

Witnesses at the event are still left asking how events like this can happen on a near-daily basis.

“Yeah you know I always do this thing with my umbrella where I think I don’t need it and the second I leave the house it rains,” said Chiefs superfan Kyle Washington. “So yeah, a big event, big crowd, I thought about bringing my bulletproof vest after what happened in New York City, East Lansdowne, Pennsylvania, Joliet, Illinois, Perry, Iowa, Paradise, Nevada, Austin, Tampa, Lewistown, Maine, Jacksonville, and Trabuco Canyon California, just in the last 6 months, I thought, you know, maybe wear it. But I didn’t want to wear it under my Mahomes jersey. Lesson learned, I’m never leaving home without it, even to check my mail.”

Kansas and Missouri politicians were quick to condemn the violence including Missouri Governor Mike Parsons.

“This violence will not stand. But look folks, we’ve got one of the biggest popstars out here who’s a fan of the Kansas City Chiefs, why did she not privately fund security for this event? Why is this a government problem? And more than that, there are tough football players out at this parade? Why are these guys not armed? At any rate, we’ve got to make sure more average Americans can return fire the next time this happens,” said Parsons. “For that reason, I’m going to fight to loosen gun laws so more good guys can show up to parades armed and ready to fight back.”

At press time, Americans took to X (formerly Twitter) to habitually offer their thoughts and prayers.

California Dispensary Announces Throwback Night Where Three Friends Spend Two Hours Divvying Up an 1/8th

BY COURTNEY HILL

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — Invisible Gravity Cannabis Dispensary recently announced it will host throwback night where patrons can relive the days of splitting a fat sack between friends in a pre-legalization world, sources old enough to recall such a thing confirmed.

“Cannabis users have it easy these days so it’s more important than ever to preserve the history of stoner culture,” shop manager Ned Havemeyer said while slobbering closed a sandwich baggie full of shake. “Between overall convenience and government regulation, dispensaries have completely eliminated the rush that used to come with a blind handoff in a 7-Eleven parking lot. Sure, a street bag was never more than 3.1 on the scale, but it could feel like a pound once it was safely in your pocket. Those are the kinds of warm memories we hope to evoke.”

Frequent patron, Colin Hopper, looked forward to revisiting the pseudo-scientific process of divvying up an eighth with his two buddies.

“First we take turns admiring the one big nug while constantly accusing each other of touching it too much. Next, we get busy separating the rest into two equal piles based on net volume and variable density,” Hopper explained. “A second round of tense debate focuses on stem ratio, red hair distribution and projected keef deposits. Whoever plays it coolest throughout the process helps himself to the one big nug while the fussier two settle on a pile of mini buds each. As a final consolation, we reluctantly break off the tip of the one big nug and award it to whoever is still sulking about their share of the bag. If there’s time left we’ll smoke.”

Dr. Gary Wix, professor of comparative studies, expected the event to attract more than just nostalgic cheebmasters.

“It may be called throwback night but I’m certain the youth will be drawn by what they see as novelty,” Wix assured. “From flip phones to Walkmans to oversized jeans, college students have turned inconveniencing themselves into a leisure activity, so taking time to break up some weed and maybe even roll their own J is definitely their idea of a good time. Of course, the trend will be short-lived and the next day it’ll be back to ripping vapes and crashing e-bikes, but at least they will get a glimpse of what their parents experienced.”

At press time, Invisible Gravity was forced to halt operation while the Bureau of Weights and Measures investigated reports of a THC-CBD mixup.

Successful Metal Band Just Wants Steady Warehouse Job

BY ZAC LUX

NEW YORK — Frontman of award-winning Heavy Metal band Xanstärr, Joey Blakkburn, says that he and the rest of the band hope to land a steady warehouse job after their year-long world tour wraps up in New York this coming fall, confirmed sources helping the band prep their resumes.

“We got comfortable with the rock ‘n roll lifestyle and built a sense of complacency around our true dreams; working a shitty warehouse job down by the waterfront and busting each other’s balls all day until our bodies wouldn’t let us lift anything anymore,” said the 45-year-old Blakkburn. “And now I can barely lift my guitar for a couple hours before lighting it on fire and tossing it into the crowd, so I doubt I’d even be able to work the docks if I were to quit this band today. It’s sad, but I’m holding out hope there is an Amazon fulfillment center that could use someone like me pulling and packing.”

Xanstärr’s manager Blake Holstead has been actively inquiring about open positions with warehouses within ten miles of each band member’s home.

“The boys have been clamoring for something more secure for years. With music tastes changing thanks to social media platforms like TikTok they are worried they won’t be able to tour for another 30 years,” said Holstead. “They want a little job security, and warehouse work is something they have always been drawn to. Whenever they see a forklift backstage at festivals they turn into little schoolboys. It will be nice to see this next chapter for them, especially since I’ll still get 10% of their paychecks.’

Musicians finding immediate success and going on arena tours is an epidemic that has affected shipping operations worldwide.

“Kids these days are getting swept up into these uber-successful rock bands from the get. They’re missing the whole first part of rock ‘n roll. Back-breaking warehouse jobs,” said Han Welch, Warehouse Manager of the Drakes Cakes Factory in Long Island. “And it’s not only their music that takes a hit because of it, we haven’t been able to meet our shipments, we’re operating with a skeleton crew because all our prospects got picked up by major labels before they could even walk in here. And those who are here to pick up the slack? They have to listen to half-baked metal albums all day, because the ones putting out the tracks never experienced the grudge of manual labor to inspire their music. It’s a lose/lose situation for everyone involved.”

At press time, members of Xanstärr were excited to learn they got a callback for a job working the graveyard shift at a meat rendering plant.

Opinion: Being Childless Doesn’t Mean I Won’t Project Generational Trauma Onto My Cat

BY BEN FRIEDMAN

The concept of the family unit has changed drastically for millennials like me in that I cannot afford to start one of my own, which is why I’ve elected to dote on my beloved cat as if he were my progeny.

Though he may not be my biological son or even the same species, there’s nothing to stop me from projecting repressed generational trauma onto him as if he were my own flesh and blood.

I chose not to raise a child, in the same manner I was free to choose my cat out of that milk crate at the sketchy farmers market. And even though he’s completely aloof and not remotely interested in my life, he is still totally capable of learning to deal with his emotions by watching me slam nine beers and trash the garage after my hockey team loses.

Now you’re probably thinking I should rear my child with unconditional love, empathy, and those $500 cat condos. What’s the worst that can happen if I don’t, he eats my corpse after I die?

Unlike him I was awkward and weird as a kid, so I was regularly mocked by girls in my class. He’s not going to get any sympathy out of me when he’s being terrorized by my dogs! And if he wants to cry about it he can do it in the bathroom. That’s how I got through adolescence and I turned out fine-ish.

Listen, in my family we were taught not to bother adults with childish nonsense. I’m not going to coddle him because he’s terrified of aluminum foil and the sound of the furnace turning on. He can channel that fear into brutally killing mice in the basement like a man.

Part of me regrets getting him neutered, because how will he keep my legacy alive if he won’t have kittens of his own he’ll put up emotional barriers around, thus never allowing them to truly know him? Maybe he can become unlikely best friends with a turtle, I hear they’re pretty resilient.

I know I shouldn’t be so hard on him since he can’t understand anything I’m saying, but if I don’t try he’ll be unprepared for the harsh realities of adulthood. I know my parenting style is working the way he bites me every time whenever we’re in the same room. I know it’s just his little way of saying “fuck you, dad.”

Multiplayer Game Perfect for You and Your Three Friends You Don’t Have

BY CHARLES BILL

YOUR TOWN – Sources report that this new multiplayer game for sale on Steam would be absolutely perfect for you to play with the three friends you don’t have.

“Wow, this game would be so fun to play with my non-existent buddies,” you said sadly realizing that the Steam game was tagged with ‘multiplayer.’ “I’ve wanted to play this game forever, I can’t wait to see all the fun and wild interactions that the less satisfying single-player mode will offer. It’ll be so fun to explore this world designed for four by myself. And would you look at that it’s even early access. Perfection.”

Your former gamer friends who have now moved onto bigger and better things in life agreed that this would be a perfect game for the group five years ago.

“Man that game looks great, I’d love to play it if I can get time away from the kids,” indicated all the people you used to play video games with in perfect unison. “Job’s getting busy too, you know how it goes. Remember when the Discord used to be full all the time? Sorry gtg!”

Game developers everywhere have worked around the clock to form perfect games for you and the people you used to play with in college.

“We actually only make multiplayer games because we don’t want lonely people playing our stuff,” explained indie game CEO Tyla Potter. “The perfect game is one that you look at and desperately want to play, but don’t ever want to play with random people on the internet. That sense of frustration that a game would be perfect is what we’re looking for.”

At press time your friends bought the game but decided to just play Rocket League separately once a month instead.

David Zaslav Paints Fake Movie Premiere on Canyon Wall

BY KYLE DUGGAN

SONORAN DESERT, Ariz. — Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav spent an entire morning painting an elaborate mural of a premiere-night cinema marquee on an otherwise nondescript canyon wall, speedy avian sources confirm.

“This is the type of scheme that only a super genius could conceive of,” said Zaslav as he handed out business cards printed with that title. “You see, I have had trouble attracting talented filmmakers to work with us, since I keep canceling their movies. I’ve tried to catch them by luring them under a dangling anvil with a pile of Black List screenplays. I’ve tried strapping a rocket to my back and wearing roller skates to chase them down. I’ve even shot myself out of a giant slingshot to try to run down David Fincher. All of those plans may have blown up in my face, but his one is sure-fire. If I can trick artists into thinking their movie’s premiere is literally already happening, they’ll have to work with me.”

Samy Burch, screenwriter of “Coyote vs. Acme,” noted that the ruse had indeed fooled her, if briefly.

“Sure, I thought it was a real movie premiere for a second,” said Burch, whose screenplay for “May December” is currently nominated for an Academy Award. “It was a really detailed painting. If you looked at it from just the right perspective, it was perfect. I truly do not understand why anyone would put that much effort into a bit. Like, what’s the payoff, here? You got me, David. I believed you were going to release my movie. Good one.”

Will Forte, star of the film, had a notably different take after seeing Zaslav’s mural.

“I think I could do it,” said Forte, who spoke in a hushed and haunted tone while staring into the distance. “I think I could run into the picture. Seriously. I’ve thought about this so many times throughout my life, but I never thought I would have the chance to try it. I really think I’m cartoonish enough to get away with it. I can do it. I need to do it.”

At press time, Zaslav was reportedly witnessed destroying the painting so that Warner Bros. Discovery could claim it, too, as a tax loss.