Hard Digest Feb. 14: First Look at Trump's VP Choice, Belle & Sebastian, JRPGs, and So Much More
Added 2024-02-15 01:00:05 +0000 UTCTrump VP Shortlist Includes Tim Scott, Kristi Noem, Frankenstein-Like Abomination Made From DNA of History’s Greatest Monsters
BY TIM GRAHAM
PALM BEACH, Fla. — Former president Donald Trump teased his top picks for vice president during a recent Mar-a-Lago fundraising event, according to gaudily-dressed sycophants in attendance.
“It’s a tough choice, very tough,” said Trump as he polished off a shrimp cocktail. “There are a lot of great candidates out there, they’re all begging me, ‘Please, Mr. President sir, pick me, pick me.’ But then these scientists—some say they’re mad, I don’t know—they showed me this tremendous monster and wow, I was blown away. He’s seven feet tall, so almost as tall as me but not quite, he’s got the green skin, stitches and the bolts in the neck, the whole thing. He’s a monster like you’ve never seen before and he is 100% MAGA, believe me. I’m still considering Tim, Kristi, a few others, but let me tell you, I’m leaning very heavily toward the behemoth.”
The creature’s creator revealed some details behind its origins.
“I am humbled and delighted that Mr. Trump is considering my abomination against nature and all that is holy to be his vice president,” said Dr. Josef Mengele III from his secret Argentinian jungle laboratory. “My team combined DNA from some of the most powerful and influential figures in history to construct the perfect Republican running mate. I won’t divulge the whole secret recipe here, but I can tell you that there’s a bit of Ghengis Khan in there, a dash of Vlad the Impaler, a pinch of Augusto Pinochet, and just a hint of you know who. You know, the mustache guy—wink wink.”
Fox News host Jesse Watters discussed Trump’s prospects on a recent program.
“As much as it pains me to say it, Donald Trump is no spring chicken,” said Watters. “A lot of his base are concerned about who will take up the mantle should something happen to the president. You’ve got your typical suck-ups like Tim Scott and Vivek Ramaswamy lining up. But if you ask me, there’s only one real choice: the monster. The few phrases he’s capable of saying such as ‘gun law bad,’ ‘abortion bad’ and ‘tax cut for wealthy’ really resonate with Republican voters. The fact that this inhuman fiend could be one heartbeat from the presidency should be reassuring to many MAGA voters.”
At press time, the creature’s first appearance alongside Trump was cut short after it attacked and attempted to devour several members of the media.
Belle & Sebastian Show Ends in Tragedy After Several Fans Blow Away in Light Breeze
BY BEN FRIEDMAN
GLASGOW — An outdoor Belle & Sebastian show abruptly ended in tragedy after a sudden light breeze sent several fans flying hundreds of feet into the sky, witnesses have reported.
“We were on the fence about performing outdoors on account of it already being partly sunny. We barely got halfway through the set when a four KPH gale blew through the grounds and sent the most emaciated of fans flying two towns over, looking like bespectacled party balloons. On top of that, the wind also took my hat,” said frontman Stuart Murdoch. “Thankfully some fans got snagged on the power lines outside of the playing field, otherwise they’d be in the upper stratosphere. I just wish it didn’t happen in the middle of ‘Dear Catastrophe Waitress.’ It only added insult to injury.”
Surviving showgoers were still traumatized by how easily fellow fans were going airborne.
“I thought the rapture had come, given how suddenly people were being plucked off the ground. I’m just glad I happened to have my copy of ‘Ulysses’ on me for an anchor or I would’ve been a goner for sure. In the past, the most precarious situation at a Bell & Sebastian show was the venue running out of chamomile tea,” said Rebecca Wilson. “The EMS team is still looking for my friend. The combination of her oversized tweed jacket and being 97 pounds basically made her a human parachute. I hope they find her soon because if the trauma didn’t kill her, the anemia might.”
Insurance adjusters assessing the damage painted a grim picture regarding anyone receiving restitution.
“We provide nearly every event with optional insurance should a show get canceled or if you can’t attend because of unforeseen circumstances. But we may have to stop coverage for twee shows since they are costing us millions of dollars. The reality is that while the music is fantastic, the fans are comprised of people who majored in English Lit, and they aren’t exactly the heartiest stock. We’ve had consistent claims ranging from mass papercut bleedouts to being trampled by corgis,” said Eventsured agent Jay Sellers. “We’re already on edge about Camera Obscura returning, and now this incident at the B&S show might bankrupt us completely.”
As of press time, the band’s benefit show and vigil for the victims hit a snag after three fans floated away holding their paper lanterns.
Opinion: If Jazz Is About the Notes You Don’t Play, Then I Am an All-Time Great
The other day, I was watching some documentary while waiting for a video game to download, and I heard a guy say something like, “Jazz is about the notes you don’t play.” That really got me thinking—if that’s true, and I’ve never played a note of music in my entire life, that must make me some sort of all-time great!
I’m not saying I know a ton about jazz, but I can’t stop thinking about how much that line describes me. Like when I was little, my parents didn’t even try to get me to pick up an instrument. I mean, they encouraged me to try other things, like sports. Well, mostly just curling. They’d drag me out of bed at 5 a.m. on weekends for rink time. And that basically crushed any interest I might have had in pursuing any hobbies at all.
As I think more about the documentary narration I heard as I looked down at my phone, there was a lot of talk about some guy who’d keep changing tempos without telling anyone. His “unpredictability made him great” they said. I thought, “Wow, I’m just like that!” I mean it. I’m totally spontaneous. Just yesterday, for example, I suddenly didn’t feel like working, so I called in sick five minutes before my shift. My manager was pretty upset, but I told him that’s just who I am. And just like that, I was napping.
Oh, you know what else? The narrator kept mentioning improv! And guess what? That’s basically the only other hobby I’ve ever tried. I even took classes! Well, I took one class. All I remember is the teacher yelling a scene suggestion at me. I froze up, and everyone got very uncomfortable. But after a while, they started laughing. I remained paralyzed in fear, yet somehow, the more time passed, the harder they laughed. I never went back, but getting that big laugh makes me think I’m kind of a natural.
When you add it all up, I’m probably even better than that famous trumpet guy they kept panning around the screen. I’ve basically got every trait you could want without lifting a finger. It’s like my report cards always said—I’m nothing but potential: neglected, wasted, squandered. And I’ve been careful not to ruin any of my untapped genius by actually trying something. Certainly not jazz.
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Six Months After Break-Up, Man Finally Ready to Romance Teenager in JRPG Again
BY SIMON BOWER
After half a year of heartbreak following a messy split from his girlfriend, James Moore, 38, reports he’s healed enough emotionally to pursue a video-game romance with a Japanese high schooler.
“I was devastated when Jen left,” Moore said. “I mean, I’d just bought this beautiful yukata for her to wear when we went to see the fireworks together. But now that I’ve had some time to get settled with my feelings I can see that there are plenty of other fish in the digital sea.”
Despite some nerves around diving back into the dating games, Christopher emphasized his excitement at all of the new romantic possibilities available to him – both as a newly single man, and as the 17-year-old protagonist of a JRPG or visual novel.
“I just love meeting new people. There’s something so special about a first date: the nervous jitters, the shy glances, the looming threat of an eldritch god destroying the world or an animatronic bear making you all kill each other. I’ve missed it. Jenny never understood,” lamented Moore, plucking an errant gray hair from his beard.
Friends close to Moore expressed that they were happy to see him moving on with his life, but hope he won’t rush into a video-game relationship prematurely.
“I just don’t want to see James [Moore] get hurt again,” said longtime friend Greg Henson, 36. “These cute anime girls aren’t always what they seem to be. The other day he started hitting on that fortune teller from Persona 5, and I had to rush over and warn him that she’s like, 29 or something. A woman that age going after a boy his character’s age is just predatory and wrong, that’s why James [Moore] needs to be with a girl who’s 18 or 19 at the oldest.”
When reached for comment, Moore’s ex-girlfriend Jennifer said she wishes him the best, and is willing to testify at any future criminal hearing.
“Computer, Make Me a Video Game!” Yells CEO at Monitor
LOS ANGELES — Following a recent round of employee layoffs, Riot Games CEO Dylan Jadeja assured fans that all of their favorite titles and the company’s general output would be unaffected.
“The simple fact is, none of the people we’ve let go play an important part in what we do,” Jadeja explained. “We’re talking things like HR reps, community managers, artists, programmers. Who needs ‘em? Without all these extra employees bringing us down Riot’s titles will be better than ever before. And they’ll be made faster too.”
According to sources close to the CEO it was after that sentence he then turned to his computer monitor and said, “Computer, make me a video game.” Reports indicate Jadeja repeated this command multiple times, unsure what might be causing the delay.
“There’s not even a mic on his computer,” said receptionist Kristin Straight, one of Riot’s remaining employees. “I don’t get it. I always thought Dylan was a great boss before this. He always seemed so effective at delegating … which, now that I say it, I guess means he just told people what to do all the time.”
Despite criticism of his recent decisions, both externally and within the company, Jadeja insists the future is bright. “Even the best changes have some short-term difficulties while everyone adjusts,” Jadeja said, while staring at his static monitor. “Once it’s working, though, you’ll see what we can do. Now, Computer, make sure the video game has good graphics, too. And lots of cool weapon skins to buy! And maybe a good story. Make it now, Computer. Thank you.”
Following a few moments of silence, he pushed his face to the monitor and yelled “WHERE IS THE VIDEO GAME I ASKED FOR?”
“At first I thought he wanted to replace everyone he fired with AI. I mean, maybe he does, I honestly don’t know anymore,” continued Straight. “I tried showing him some AI art sites to get him to stop, and he said ‘I don’t want to make pictures, I want to make video games!’” She turned around to look at her boss’s office, where he was threatening to give the computer a pay cut. “I don’t think he knows what people actually do to get games made.”
At press time, Jadeja had begun shouting his bank account number out loud after an email claiming to be from “The Computer” said it required this information to make a video game.
Gamer Wins Weightlifting Competition After Sticking to Intensive Regimen of Single Protein Shake and a 15-Minute Walk
BY DAVID FISHER
PITTSBURGH — Attendees at the USAW National Championships bore witness to Shaun Peterson’s historic lift today. For the first time in the organization’s history, victory was achieved by none other than a gamer, sources have confirmed.
“Wait, that guy wasn’t a professional bodybuilder?” asked James Gains, a spectator at the event. “I’d never have guessed he had such an inactive hobby. I guess you really can outlift an Olympic athlete if you put in the constant effort to achieve your dreams. I’d love to try doing whatever workout routine he’s been on.”
Following this monumental feat, Peterson joined several reporters on a Discord call to discuss his self-guided training regimen.
“For years I would actively avoid the gym. I would seal myself up in my room for days at a time. I would only use my Wii Balance Board as a tray for my snacks. But last week, I accidentally shut down my desktop, and caught my reflection in the monitor,” Peterson said. “I immediately realized that this wasn’t the life I wanted. So I made a commitment: I would blend myself a single protein shake with years-old protein powder. All of a sudden, my arms began to swell rapidly, bursting through my shirt.”
Peterson said he had no idea so much mass could exist on his arms, and was having a hard time adjusting. He continued to tell reporters about the rest of the regimen that lead him to victory at the competition.
“My transformation still had a long way to go — 15 minutes longer, to be exact. I put my shoes on and went for a walk around the neighborhood. The next time I saw my reflection, I gazed upon the image I always imagined I looked like. That’s when I knew I had to compete in weightlifting at a national level.”
Peterson’s doctor, Helen Wong, also had the opportunity to express her concerns over Peterson’s lifestyle to reporters.
“It’s an improvement, no doubt,” Wong explained, “but I’m worried there must have been some radioactive substance in this powder. I believe Shaun has a very short time remaining and his family and friends should begin to make plans. Regardless, I hope he keeps up with weightlifting.”
As of press time, Peterson was seen throwing away an invitation to the US Olympic Weightlifting team before darting into his garage with roughly a week’s worth of snacks. Reports indicate the sounds of crunching pork rinds and League of Legends can also be heard nearby Peterson’s house.
As of press time sources close to Peterson say he is using his trophy as a controller caddy.
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Comments
"First look at Trump's VP choice, Belle & Sebastian". I knew the singer had gotten more public about his Christianity, but this is a step too far!
L
2024-02-15 20:57:41 +0000 UTC
