Ian Miles Cheong First Recipient of Neuralink Thanks to Inherently Low Risk of Damaging Intellect

FREMONT- Ian Miles Cheong was revealed to be the first recipient of  Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain device implant thanks to the inherently low  risk that drilling into his brain would damage anything functional  anyways, company officials and doctors said today via a press release.

Nadia Samson, a spokesperson for Neuralink spoke about the ground-breaking first human test subject.

“All  of the preliminary scans showed very little overall activity, so the  whole thing seemed pretty low risk,” Samson said. “Of course, we didn’t  realize he was actually a citizen and resident of Malaysia. We figured  he was based in the US because of the sheer amount of posts about  American politics, but once we had that little wrinkle ironed out,  getting the paperwork done was simple enough – no doctor seemed to  care.”

Musk, who was reportedly heavily involved in the process of  selecting Cheong as the first patient, had a somewhat different reason  why the online commentator made for such a good test subject.

“You  need to start with someone whose brain is working perfectly. Right? Not  just a little bit – like, really working perfectly,” Musk said. “This  guy responds to all my tweets with the best stuff. Pictures of me, memes  of me, endorsements of me, quotes from me. This guy’s brain is  functioning at maybe 110% capacity honestly.”

Musk offered more details on the exciting next step in the tech startup’s achievement.

“Ian’s  been a good test subject. He didn’t freak out about the pile of bloated  chimp corpses or ask about side effects like everyone else did,” Musk  said. “Those chimps went woke and now they’re broke. At any rate I  assured him we have a separate mass grave prepared for all our human  test subjects should it come to that.”

Cheong himself spoke about the chance to be the world’s first Neuralink recipient.

“If  Elon is behind it I know it’s going to be brilliant, so there was no  real hesitation on my part about whether or not I wanted to do the  procedure,” Cheong said. “Hell, I started drilling the hole myself  before I even got the email back that they would take me.”

At  press time Elon Musk and a team of engineers were working diligently to  understand if Cheong’s recent rapid fire, unanswered Twitter replies to  Musk all about how great the billionaire looks in a cowboy hat were a  sign of the implant malfunctioning or just Cheong being himself.

By Johnny Amizich