Headlines for the Holidays

Hello everyone, we here at The Hard Times/Hard Drive hope you are having a wonderful time pretending to enjoy the company of your family. For all you $10 Patrons here is the updated list of headlines to pose. If you see something you like you can claim it by emailing bill@thehardtimes.net for a Hard Times headline or jeremy@thehardtimes.net for a Hard Drive headline. This is first come first served. Dig in.

Hard Times Headlines email bill@thehardtimes.net to claim

Coworker Unaware He’s Trapped In Bitter, Hate-filled Rivalry With You

In Stunning Power Play, Man Acquires Woman's Parents During Breakup Negotiations  

Overly Honest Man Announces Marriage to Fourth- or Fifth-Best Friend in the World

Bassist on Life Support Not Even Plugged In 

Punk Relentlessly Ridiculed for Enjoying Basic Amenity

Stabbed, Uninsured Drummer Votes to Play Show in Canada ASAP 

Punk Going On Vacation Asking if You Can Throw Out His Mail for Him

Woman Married to Job About to Lose Everything in Divorce 

Sources Confirm It Would Be Totally Weird If We Kissed At Midnight 

Punk on Pawn Stars Offered $300 to Leave Store Without Causing a Scene 

Divorce Papers Straight Up Quote Mountain Goats Lyrics on Page Three

Study Confirms Riff Should Have Just Been In 4/4 

Folk Punk Band Asks Neighbor Banging Broom on Ceiling to Join Group 

Frontman tries so hard

To write lyrics in haiku

But fucks it up - louie 

Man Tuning Guitar Also Scoring True Crime Podcast

Dead Friend Invited To Show on Facebook Just in Case 

Drunk Scientists discover link between Not Doing Your Shot and Being A Total Pussy 

Monogamous man proudly respects one woman at a time

T-shirt worn under hoodie considered clean for foreseeable future 

“I Didn’t Realize This Was A Gay Bar” Man Says For Sixth Night In A Row 

Climate Scientist's Grim Report Says We Only Have Seven More Fast and Furious Movies 

Depressed Straight Edge Woman Tells Bartender To "Leave the Bottle" of Grenadine 

Man Has Fun, Hypothetical Debate with Woman Reliving the Most Traumatic Experience of Her Life 

Movie with subtitles deemed too difficult to follow while staring at Instagram

Fatso Leaves Shirt on While Drumming

Wasted Friend Offers Play by Play of Ass Kicking He Would Have Given Dude Who Cut You in Line if He Tried Pulling That Shit on Him

Favorite Band Playing Favorite Song Still Loses Woman's Applause to Holding a Warm PBR 

Plan to Tell Boss to Fuck Off Tweaked to Thank You For the Opportunity 

Mom Shares Adorable Anecdote about Single Most Damaging Experience from Daughter's Childhood 

REPORT: Half of All iPhone Storage Dedicated to Screenshots Sent to Friends to Talk Shit 

Polyamorous Lifestyle Keeping Woman Open To Variety Of Disappointing Sexual Experiences 

Local Skater Manages to Fit Four Puns in Roller Derby Name

Serial Killer Stoked to Find 20 Teeth Left in Jeans Pocket 

Aging Frontman Keeping Shirt On Later and Later Into Set

Local Folk Punk Band Accidentally Books Paid Gig

Big-Time Idiot Has Whole Plan to Turn Life Around, Chase Dreams

Selfless Woman Instagrams Donation of Hulu Password to Less Fortunate Friend

Friend Will Be Live on College Radio Station From 1am to 4am If You Want to Tune In

Man Asks Record Store Employee If They Validate Opinions

Horrible Roommate Excited to Be One with Grievance for Once

Man In Audience Upset To Learn Mighty Mighty Bosstones Have Written New Songs Since 1997

Friend Back with Band You Spent Months Shit-Talking After Breakup

Punk Hoping Dad's Trump Support is Just a Phase

Hard Drive headlines email jeremy@thehardtimes.net to claim:

Olympic Committee to Include 200m Naruto Run at 2020 Games 

Elite Gaming Keyboard Used to Book Funeral Arrangements 

Real Life Also Harder on Veteran Mode 

Twitch Sub Cancelled After Mention of Boyfriend

Street Sign Trampled by DDR Fan

Welcome to New York City! If You’re Looking for Work, I Heard Paul at Lucy’s Tavern Is Looking to Hire Someone for an Errand. Rumors? Something Fishy Has Been Happening Outside the Statue of Liberty Lately. Strange Noises. You Won't Catch Me Anywhere Near It. And Stay Out of the Sewers. That’s Where the Thieves Live

Elderly Man Kindly Rewinds YouTube Video to the Start So Next Viewer Doesn't Have To 

Worried College Student Calls University Health Services After Roommate Returns With Multiple JRPGs

Spy Can’t Stop Playing With Cyanide Pill Tooth

The 5 Best Gaming Headsets For Just Listening to a Nice Audio Book Once In a While

Sagging Interest in ‘Law and Order: SVU’ Renewed for Local Gamer After Ice-T Mentions Fortnite Offhand

Gamer Spices Up Resume With 'Spends Hours Daily Solving Puzzles, Cooperating With Teammates, and Clearing Objectives'

Stoner Immediately Forgets Spoiler

Proud Raspberry Pi Owner Has Played 5 Minutes of Every Video Game

Vacationing Gamer Impressed With How True Florence is to Assassin’s Creed II 

Friends Tearfully Loot Gamer’s Corpse at Funeral to Pay Respects 

Choosing My Own Adventure: I Only Used Gmail Smart Replies for a Week and Lost My Job

35-Year-Old Man Still Sees Pediatrician With N64 in Waiting Room

Disappointment After Dad Officially Announces Mom 2

Parents Blame Poorly-Made Video Games For Son’s Boring, Glitchy Outbursts 

Top 100 Reasons Why You Calling Me a Snowflake Actually Doesn't Bother Me At All 

Man Yearning For ‘Good Old Days’ Mostly Yearning for Bionicle 

Gamer’s Health Care Plan Mainly Jumping Head First Into Red Heart Logo Outside CVS 

Psychic Beats the Shit Out of Man Counting Tarot Cards 

Firefly Fan Also Canceled 

Game Critic Describes New Stapler as ‘Positively Oozing With Charm’ 

Xbox Player Making Whole Performance Out of Adjusting to PS4 Controller 

XCOM Player Doesn’t Trust 90% OkCupid Match 

Shitty Ass Video Doesn’t Have Goddamn Captions

34-Year-Old Little Brother Still Somehow Thinks Unplugged Controller is Player 2 

Everyone Wishes Man Would Stop Using Tongue To Twirl Control Stick in Mario Party

Completionist Student Finishes 100% Run of College After 30 Years 

Gamer Beats VR Game In Less Time Than It Took To Set Up Headset