emergency quick update! [blog post? 1]

hi patrons, sorry if this is very low energy

im having a bit of a mental health crisis. my catatonic depression is coming back pretty badly and im finding myself struggling to move/eat/sleep/breathe, and its causing me to lose large chunks of time. i have a literal mountain of content done, cosplays to shoot, and projects that are more than 70% already finished. 

ive said tons of times im working very hard towards my horrible mental health and earlier this month was the first time i was trying in awhile to actually do better. i left out the important point that it was because in june i started experiencing symptoms of this stuff again after some pretty challenging stuff happened in my personal life. because i failed so badly to deliver my content and get back on the train in june because of the personal challenging stuff i decided to spend the first week or so of july fighting off the catatonic depressive symptoms and started working out everyday, eating really nourishing foods, taking my medication on time, and basically trying my hardest to be better. i basically did everything i could and was "supposed" to. and i still cant fight this well enough to be okay

even though ive been struggling to answer dms because my mood has been so poor i feel like i cant even emote correctly like i want to for how kind everyone has been to me, ive been trying to interact in my server more since that is very low effort. ive also been working really hard on cosplays since i can disassociate while sewing and use muscle memory for a lot of it and sadly now have like, at least 15 finished and piled up for photoshoots. not even kidding.

everyone has been saying i look very depressed in my latest posts and it's because i am. lately photos have looked very bad to me because my face looks incredibly vacant and empty. its to the point where i cant even just force myself because its so obvious im not doing okay in every aspect of my work. 

despite how much i talk about this stuff im still deeply embarrassed im struggling so openly. im constantly aware of how im a bad creator and im taking so much money from people while barely updating my work, i love you guys truly and am so grateful for all of you. i wouldnt be alive without you and i want to share all of the stuff im making with you so badly.

i have so many dms to respond to, some incredibly sweet and thoughtful ones that have really helped my heart, and i promise up and down left and right its not because i dont care about you guys and your support.  my daily routine right now really is just to stare at a wall from morning till night and take a break to work on some cosplay and then watch a youtube video about microbes or something or sit behind my roommate while she vcs with my server with me, i promise im not doing something else or not wanting to answer. i promise i also know this is a mid patreon to support in terms of frequency, and talking to the creator, there are a lot of other creators who post much more than i do and much higher quality stuff than i do, and thats a big reason i feel so guilty. 

my roommate mari (who you all know if you interact in my server) is helping me a lot and im really grateful for her, she's really my best friend and making sure that my promise of not loosing too much weight during these episodes stays true, she's making sure i get out of the house and still interact with people. im pretty isolated and dont have a lot of people who know me well enough to be there for me when stuff like this happens, so im really grateful for her. tfw your circle is small but the kindest people alive 

im going to post some more content soon but im going to be also focusing on keeping active and present, you guys deserve to know why im so messed up lately. im so deeply sorry this is effecting my work to the level it is for so long now. my life has been rough and its only been getting better since starting my patreon, i wish i could be present to enjoy it more 

thank you, again, i really love you guys. please take care of yourselves and know youre loved. life is worth it even when its hard. here is a picture of sand under a microscope. its my favorite. i like knowing we live in a world where stuff so small can be so cool and have so much history, its helpful for me so maybe it will be for you too