Cheese Grater (A Shredded Script)

As you know... we have A LOT of sketch ideas. A trove of over 200 ideas collects dust in "The Wizards' Vault" (our Google Doc where we bank every sketch idea we've ever had). Very few are chosen from this vault to become fully-filmed sketches, but even FEWER are chosen... fully written... and then DIE before we pull out the camera!

This can happen for a myriad of reasons; late prop deliveries, scheduling conflicts, lack of available resources, etc. This absolutely bizarre script carried a lot of initial momentum but quickly fizzled out upon its completion, leading us to wonder how we even landed on the idea in the first place. BUT its sheer strangeness definitely warrants that it be shared in some form or another... so we're stoked to show it to our favorite supporters!

Without further ado, WWG Presents...

Cheese Grater

[Open on a black screen as ominous music begins to play]

NARRATOR: [A disembodied, raspy, venomous voice (like one from a political hit ad) speaks disdainfully] “...Cheese Grater...”

[A grainy, low-angle black and white photo of an ordinary household cheese grater appears with a dramatic cinematic hit sound]

NARRATOR: “Hah! Look at Cheese Grater…”

[The shot cuts in jarringly with a digital zoom and begins to pan across]

NARRATOR: “...Cheese Grater SUCKS!”

[As the narrator continues, more black and white shots of the same cheese grater trade in for one another with corny true crime style edits. Some appear voyeuristic and sinister as the cheese grater is seen in the back seat of a dark car, through the window of a house, near bribe money/suspicious documents, or perhaps through some bushes. These photos are mixed with unassuming, ordinary shots of a cheese grater just sitting on a kitchen counter or dinner table.]

NARRATOR: “More than 3.4 million Americans died in 2019… God I hate Cheese Grater.

...I’m just gonna say it... we’ve all been thinking it… NOBODY likes Cheese Grater!

Just listen to this guy:”

[A shot of an ordinary-looking man in his kitchen fades in. You’d think he might have something negative to say to corroborate the narrator’s sentiment, but at first glance, he appears unsure of what he’s been hired to give his testimony for.]

MAN: [Confused and somewhat cautious] “...Yeah… I mean... I like my cheese grater. Just used it to make a quesadilla.”

NARRATOR: “...That guy was a pedophile.”

MAN: [Shocked and bewildered] “What?!”

NARRATOR: “Only pedophiles like Cheese Grater.”

[Cut to a shot of a seated man with his face completely blurred]

PEDOPHILE: [Casually, with his voice deepened for anonymity] “I’m a pedophile and I hate Cheese Grater”

NARRATOR: [Surprised and clearly petulant] “...Nooooo”

[The shot of the pedophile cuts wide to reveal he’s seated right next to the other man in his kitchen]

MAN: [Visibly upset] “Why- why is there a pedophile in my house?!”

NARRATOR: [Annoyed] “Can we please stop saying that word?”

MAN: [Looking slightly up into space to address the narrator] “Pedophile?”

NARRATOR: “No… Cheese Grater.”

[The shot returns to a closer angle of just the man]

MAN: [Curiosity regarding the validity of this production certainly mounting] “...Is this a metaphor??”

NARRATOR: “Yeah.”

MAN: [Slightly relieved but not completely satisfied with the answer] “Okay…?”

NARRATOR: “...For Cheese Grater!”

MAN: [Frustrated but remaining somewhat calm] “Why are you saying it like that? …So singular?’

NARRATOR: “Hm?”

MAN: “...like it’s a person who hurt you”

NARRATOR: [Ignoring the question] “Lemme ask you this: What’s so great about Cheese Grater?

…I mean sure, it can slice carrots, onions, cucumbers, all sorts of veggies…”

MAN: [Still waiting for any of this to make sense] “Okay… yeah?”

NARRATOR: “…Zucchini?”

MAN: “What?”

NARRATOR: [Almost naively curious] “Zucchini. It can probably do Zucchini, right?”

MAN: “I mean yeah, it can also…”

NARRATOR: “It probably can't…”

NARRATOR/MAN: [In unison] “Zest a lemon”

NARRATOR: [Pleasantly surprised and slightly vulnerable] “...OH… Okay… tell me more.”

MAN: [Begrudgingly humoring this bizarre line of conversation] “I mean... any shred-able food. It’s not just for grating cheese.”

NARRATOR: [Completely blown away] “IT GRATES CHEESE?!”

MAN: [Equally blown away at the narrator’s ignorance] “Yeah... How- yeah!”

NARRATOR: “Hmmm… Maybe cheese grater isn’t that bad”

MAN: [Now fully wrapped up in the exchange] “Sure… I guess the only hard part is cleaning it”

NARRATOR: [Now somehow defending the cheese grater] “Well, it’s probably machine washable.”

MAN: “Uh yeah sure, it’s stainless-”

NARRATOR: [Enthusiastically cutting off the man] “Stainless steel! Yeah! That's what I was thinking!

...Huh…

...Wow...

...I like Cheese Grater.”

MAN: [Now more curious than ever about what he’s supposed to be testifying in] “Okay…  Is this a commercial…?”

NARRATOR: [Ignoring the man again, wrapped up in his new revelation] “I LOVE Cheese Grater”

MAN: [Frustrated] “Am I getting paid? What is this for?”

NARRATOR: [Fully resolute] “...Vote for Cheese Grater.”

MAN: “That kinda answers my question… Hello?”

[Silence. The Narrator is probably gone]

MAN: “...Hello?!”

[Cut to the Pedophile, who has no doubt been forgotten by now]

PEDOPHILE: “Hey.”

MAN: [Annoyed] “Ah! No. I wasn’t- get out of my house.”

PEDOPHILE: [Clueless] Okay… you wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese?

MAN: [Defeated] “*sigh* …Maybe.”

[CUT TO END CARD]