Not So Powerful Rangers

Huh, you said the Ranger series is adapted from the Japanese Super Sentai? Are you drunk?

Of course, the original is American. They are the Powerful Rangers!

Stop talking nonsense, Akibarangers! I’m watching this episode of them going against the fungus monster!

Special thanks to my royal and loyal patrons:

Alan Hwang

Wallel Albet

Robert Terwillger

snb

Matt Thomas

Shunsuke Hoshino

Rootbeero

DiamondSerpent

Matthew Peterson

Daniel K

Mike020578

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It’s spore season!

“Goddamn evening practice! I’m gonna be late for my hangout schedule!” Gale grunted as he hopped out the blocked exit of Angel Grove High. Slung over his chest was the heavy American football practice bag, filled with his pads and even helmets. He ignored the musky smell coming from the sweaty undershirt and dirty jockstrap. He could always clean them tomorrow. Now, he had something more urgent to do.

Gale ran and ran. Luckily, the traffic wasn’t that bad and his destination was close. While rushing his way across the mildly packed sidewalk, he opened his flip phone. A familiar number was contacted. “Yo, Barend, where you at?” asked the ginger-haired jock.

“Watch your right, muscle boy,” replied the voice. Just then, a figure swooped in dangerously close to Gale’s phone. Luckily, he managed to avoid the crash. Unfortunately, the excited friend managed to steal the phone.

“Hey!” cried out Gale to his teasing friend. The shoulder-haired boy was as jacked as him. Not as big as a bodybuilder, but surely would give the girls something to look at. “I purposely let you get that.”

“Speak for your own impotence, Red Boy. I’m simply better than you,” replied the youngster in the green sleeveless shirt with the title Angel Grove High Wrestling Team. Some of his armpit hair managed to peek out. Not to mention the smell.

Gale was also in a sleeveless shirt. That way, he easily forced his friend’s face onto his armpit to bask in the post-training stench. “I still stink better than you!”

“Dammit!” cursed Barend, but the youngster simply grabbed Gale’s raised arm and continued his sniffing. He even took a long inhale before performing a mock-humping on his friend’s side. “Like that, huh?”

“Yuck! Now’s not that time, Barend. No matter how horny you are.”

Barend slapped Gale’s perfect rear. “We are ALWAYS horny, Gale. That’s what American boys are all about.”

“Well, you can satisfy your hunger when we arrive at the diner. The others are already there,” countered the football jock to the wrestling star while rushing away.

The two student-athletes intensely pushed the diner’s door. The bell shook hard, but its sound was defeated by the two boys' wild howl. “Beast mode! It’s beast mode time! And the beasts are hungry!”

“Gimme some of that juicy burger and a big pile of fries!” Barend corrected himself. “On second thought, give me all of it!”

The waitress looked at them, annoyed. “Can you boys tone it down a bit?”

“Can you just accept yourself as an ugly guy instead of pretending to be a woman?” replied Barend mockingly without care. He and Gale jumped into the corner cushion sofa that had been occupied by four other teens. “Is this our menu?”

"If it isn’t Geki and Burai,” welcomed the girl in pink sarcastically.

“If you keep calling us with those Japanese ripoff names, we’re gonna fuck you hard, May,” said Gale half-threatening.

“You two are late,” groaned the boy in yellow.

“Chill, Bo. It’s not like we’re gonna be kicked out of this place. My dad owns the place, remember?” said Gale with a smug. He noticed the bowls in front of everyone. “Whatever that is, I want two bowls.”

“Make it four.”

The youngster in blue shook his head. “You don’t even know what these are.”

Barend grabbed a handful of the food from Dion’s bowl. “Then let me have a squeeze in it. Wow!”

“Wow, what?” asked the skeptical Gale.

Barend was observing the group of mushrooms in his grip. Those were mushrooms all right with thick stem and big caps that were dark brown on top and lighter underneath.

“You gotta check this out, Gale. This is legit!”

The jock frowned then glanced at the bowls. Inside were more of the food Barend grabbed. He was still unsure to make of it.

“Mushrooms, Gale. This gonna help your diet,” said heavier-built youngster in black compression shirt.

“Diet my ass, Gaios. Children of dinosaur-era tribes like us only need burgers and bacons!”

“You sure you don’t wanna try these first?” asked Barend who filled his mouth with mushroom. His lips were white with MSG coating.

“Maybe next year.” Gale was ready to call the waitress when his wrist communicator beeped along with everyone. “Oh, fuck.”

“Come in, Zordon,” answered May in pink. No one’s gonna care about some youngsters talking to their wristwatches.

“Powerful Rangers, we have a situation that needs your attention. Angel Hills High reported some students missing. This might be a case of simple delinquency, but-”

“We’ll take care of it, Old man. Right, Barend?” Gale slapped the shoulder of his friend in green.

“Huh, me? Dammit.” Barend groaned as he returned the mushrooms into the bowl. He didn’t even get the chance to nibble on one of them. “Let’s get this over with.”

“The last location of these students is in Angel Grove National Park. Go there right away!” added Zordon before cutting off communication.

“Are you sure that you don’t need us?” asked Dion in blue.

Gale snorted. “You’re gonna be nothing but a liability. Let the big boys handle this.”

Barend added the mockery as he joined Gale in escaping the diner. “Yeah, you can just suck our dick once we’re done, haha!”

Giving the ice-cold look, Dion ate some more. He took the biggest mushroom piece and chew on its thick cap. The other youngsters too. None of them realized the released spores are spreading in the air around them. When they breathed, they breathed in some.

Two flashes of light illuminated the dark woods of the Angel Grove National Park. The green and red Powerful Rangers dashed through the dense greenery instead of using the designated pathway. “Before you whine like a girl, we’re taking this route to keep our element of surprise, Barend,” said Gale as the Tyrannoranger in a condescending tone. “Angel Hills High is just up ahead.”

“You think I’m an idiot, Jock? Of course, I know it!” replied his friend, the Green Dragonranger.

Their strategy might need a modification as it had a fatal flaw: they weren’t silent enough. Their speed and reckless trajectory gave off busy-sounding rustling noises. Not to mention their constant bickering. That being said, they finally arrived.

It was an opening in the middle of a jungle. Only grass grew there instead of the towering trees around. The sun had already set a long time ago, but darkness strangely got a new challenger. “What’s that?” pointed out Barend at a weird light source in the distance.

The two Powerful Rangers approached it.

“What the fuck?”

It was a mushroom. A big one. It was bigger than the Rangers. The classic shape was there: the thick stem that led to an expansive cap filled with scales on top and gills underneath. As if the thing wasn’t cursed enough, Gale saw movements on its rubbery skin. At first, he thought he just saw digestion happening inside or some other weird plant process he didn’t care enough to listen in his biology class, but it was something worse.

Two hands pushed out, followed by a screaming face. There was someone inside!

“Fuck, we gotta do something!” The Tyrannoranger was ready to summon his iconic sword, but his attempt was halted by the loudest scream from the giant mushroom. It was so loud that the two Powerful Rangers needed to cover the sides of their helmets.

The sonic attack was nothing but a distraction because white tentacles emerged from the ground to smack the helpless heroes. Gale and Barend felt the pain across their faces as the fat tendrils slapped their helmets over and over again from all direction.

The ends of two tentacles then bloated out before hitting Red and Green Rangers right in their perfect abs. Gale tried his best not to vomit inside his helmet. Barend failed to do that.

They were being massacred. The heroes could only make defensive stances as they got hammered continuously. Angered by this, Gale screamed out: “Dragon Fierce Sword!”

His power weapon appeared, which he grabbed right away and used to slash the atttacking tentacles. Another screech was heard as the tendrils got hacked away and poured out disgusting white liquid from their wounds.

“Beast Play Sword!” Barend summoned his flute dagger. He continued his move with an attack. “Ancient Play!”

The tune energy was focused into a neon green laser that struck the mushroom’s side. The monstrous thing exploded and released its prisoner. “Gotcha!”

Before the two heroes could help the saved student, they felt more lights around them. As if growing in an instant, four more giant mushrooms appeared and surrounded the Powerful Rangers. “Now you know why I hate veggies?” scoffed the Tyrannoranger as he readied his sword. His back was against Dragonranger’s.

They heard howls coming from the imprisoned people inside the mushrooms. They saw the victims’ hands, bodies, and heads peeking out in desperate attempt to escape their rubbery jail. Needless to say, their tries were fruitless.

“You take the ones on the right, I’ll take the ones on the left. Deal?” proposed Barend.

“Good for me. Hyaah!”

The two heroes charged out toward their targets. Red swung his sword with its blade burning. Green leaped while swinging his dagger that was smoldering with focused song.

The Rangers struck and was bounced back. Their energy attacks were simply too weak to penetrate the mushrooms’ stretchy skins. Gale and Barend yelped as they tumbled backward.

“Fuck!” cursed Barend with a groan. “What the hell is this? Didn’t we cut through the mushrooms before?”

“It’s as if they learn how to handle our weapons,” concluded Gale.

“You finally got it!” replied the deep voice that put the Powerful Rangers on alert. Out of the darkness near one of the mushrooms, a similarly-themed humanoid monster walked out. “I was worried that your little Ranger brains wouldn’t be able to process my beautiful work, but it’s better late than never I guess.”

“Who are you? What have you done to these people?” barked Gale as he put out a firmer fighting stance with Barend.

“Do we really have to go through all that in every battle? You know that monsters like me like to feast on human souls, especially young ones like these students.” The monster approached one of the mushrooms. His claws danced close to it to pull strings of rainbow energy. “Their dreams, their aspirations, their future, those are the things on my menu.”

“You sick fuck! We’re gonna cut your ‘ake’ from your shitake!” blurted Barend.

Inside his helmet, Gale frowned. He didn’t get the reference. “Huh, what?”

“Do I have to explain it to you?” Barend saw his teammate still looking at him. “Shitake mushrooms. I cut the ‘ake’ from it, what do I have now?”

“Sh... Oh, shit.”

“Well done, boy,” said the DragonRanger as he condescendingly pated Red’s helmet. “Now, can we get back to the battle?’

The monster didn’t wait for their debate to end. He already rushed in toward them. Sparks burst out of the Powerful Rangers’ chest. Some burn marks even discolored their star-spangled banner belts.

The demon used his fungi-shaped jousting sword to strike hard on the heroes. The big cap pummeled Gale and Barend in front while the kicks came in the back. Not to mention the smaller button-like bombs that he dispersed. Minute explosions still hurt like hell for the Red and Green Powerful Rangers.

“Sonavabitch!” cursed Barend as he struggled to get back up. “He’s as slippery as a slut on a busy night!”

That expression made Gale chuckle. “I thought I’m the only one who’s brave enough to play with paid chicks.” The Red Ranger stabbed his sword and used it to support his body as he stood back up.

The mushroom monster’s joy was short-lived however. The demon screeched as his thick armor was burned by unknown energy attacks. Slashes of sharp weapons clashed and burned his flabby fungi decorations on the arms and shoulders. It didn’t take long before the enemy was forced to kneel on one of his legs.

“Haven’t you heard? No one’s more powerful than the Powerful Rangers!” declared the Pink Ranger as she displayed her Ptera Arrow. Beside May were her teammates. Powerful Ranger Black held his Mothbreaker ax. Blue held his Tricera-Lance. Yellow was with his Saber Daggers. The four approached Green and Red before together putting their iconic stance. “Dinosaur Squadron Powerful Rangers!”

The grass behind them exploded with sheer heroic energy. The mushroom monster needed to shield his eyes from their shine. “Damn you all!”

“Looks like you’re outnumbered, Monster!” pointed out Gale as the Red Ranger while pulling his sword from the ground. “Guys, let’s give our little friend here the nicest closing act!”

What he meant was the team surrounded the mushroom monster with their weapons readied. The demon was terrified by the presence of heroes all over. He was panicking to find a way to escape. “Oh no!”

“Time to chop off this mushroom!” exclaimed Gale. The team went in for the kill.

It turned out that the monster’s display of fear was a ruse. He chuckled as the spandex-clad warriors came closer. He flicked his stubby fingers and four of them shrieked.

“Huh, what?” Green didn’t know what happened and the distraction made him a perfect target for the monster. The demonic weapon’s cap showered him with explosive spores. Barend’s entire frontside lit up with excruciating bangs.

“Green!” cried out the equally-bewildered Red Ranger. His helmet got hit by the jousting weapon with such a force that he slammed onto the remains of the previous giant mushroom. Gale stuttered where he was. His pain-ridden blond jock face was visible through the broken visor. “Argh!”

The team leader tried to get back up, but he was too weakened. He could only witness the similar pain that his teammates suffered. No, they got something worse. “What’s going on here?”

May, Dion, Gaios, and Bo squirmed on the grassy ground. They twisted their bodies in agony while holding their stomach. Slowly but surely, their perfect abs began to contort and grew. “No, please help us!”

“Looks like your little friends are ready to be my hosts!” said the mushroom monster with a burst of triumphal laughter.

“Hosts?!” Barend was also in no shape to continue fighting.

“Yeah, their sneaky venture to cheat their diet just landed them on my doorstep!”

Gale didn’t understand what the demon meant, but then he did. “The diner! It’s you!”

“Yes, Gale. I am.” The mushroom monster’s body warped into that of the previous waitress. “I must say that you have an eye to spot girls.”

The ugly waitress squat in front of Bo the Yellow Ranger and forced the poor hero’s helmet beneath her skirt. Gale could hear his young friend’s deadened squeal for help. A burst of thick mist soon engulfed the Sabretooth Tiger Ranger, accompanied by a flatulence stench.

“Bo!” cried out Dan, but the Blue Ranger had his turn next. With his stomach bloating, he was truly helpless in stopping the coming waitress. He got the same torment as the Yellow Ranger who was now only jerking on the grass. Bo’s groin grew to its maximum size with wet marks at its end. 

Both Blue and Yellow Rangers screamed in an extra layer of misery. Their bodies had been twisted before, now their minds were scrambled by the monstrous waitress’ crotch.

The Black Ranger didn’t stand idle. Wobbly as he was, he still tried to defend himself from the monster with his Mothbreaker ax. Unfortunately, he was too slow. Between the swings, the waitress’ rear came for him. His helmet got slurped right in and unable to break out.

“Gaios, no!” cried out May in debility. Then, the fart came to free the Black Ranger into a thick cloud of revulsion. Even the brawny Gaios was no match against the hellish stench. He clawed his helmet in a futile attempt to break free. He tried to reach out to Red and Green with the same fruitless attempt.

“Mushroom… Mushroom… Mushroom!” mumbled the delirious Yellow and Blue Rangers as they had lost the battle against this unbeatable horror. Their bloated belly only kept on giving them pervasive pain as their body systems were being corrupted to suit the curse. They looked like healthy, fit young heroes no more. Instead, they looked like pregnant girls who were ready to go into labor. Their bent legs spread out to accommodate the pressure in between. Hopefully, they wouldn’t deliver anything there since their batons were already standing perfectly.

Last came May’s turn. The Pink Ranger tried to crawl away in tears. The silent waitress monster simply followed her while giggling. Once in a while, she blinked at the Red and Green Rangers, knowing how paralyzed they were to stop whatever torment she had in store for the Pteraranger.

“We gotta help her!” said Barend in frustration. He couldn’t stand by as the monster came closer and closer toward their female teammate. “There must be something we can do!”

“There is…,” muttered Red. He looked at the perplexed Green Ranger. “Are you ready?”

“Whatever you say, Jock!”

Giggling with ravenousness, the waitress monster lift her skirt. The opening between her legs was crowded with weird group of small mushrooms. That was where Bo and Dion’s head went in. The body juice was already dripping for the Pink Ranger. “Come to mama!”

The monster humped, but she didn’t feel satisfaction. She looked beneath the skirt. There was no one there! “What?!”

The monster looked around and finally found exhausted May being helped to escape by the two Powerful Rangers. “Well, well, well, the children still want to play,” commented the demon with a joyful tune.

A black shape rose just behind the heroic trio. “If you do that, thousands of people will die.”

The monster’s sudden appearance shocked the Rangers. Green and Red put up a fighting stance, sacrificing Pink who simply dropped on the grassy ground. “Keep talking, Fucker Monster. We’re not gonna fall for your tricks. You will not get all of us tonight!”

The monster wiggled her waitress form seductively. “That’s what I’m counting on, Silly. What part of being my host that you don’t understand?”

The question put doubt on Gale and Barend’s minds. “What?”

“By ingesting my mushroom, your friends have swallowed my spores. I’m guessing that they are already grown inside their bellies. That’s why the poor Rangers are worming like crazy!” After got delighted to taunt the Rangers like they were little whimsical children, she continued. “The toadstools will release their spores once matured. Each can reach kilometeres away and infect thousands of people. I’d say at least the whole of Japan will not be safe if the Rangers are out of my forest ground.”

“No…” mumbled Barend. He didn’t keep his voice down.

“But I may be lying to you and your Pink Ranger friend here is free to go on a new adventure while the two of you join my garden.”

The Red and Green Rangers were too late to notice the approaching rumble. From the darkness, two massive humanoid mushroom monster came and smacked Gale and Barend with their mace-like arms. The heroes were thrown high before got pummeled to the ground with the same arm hitting them from behind.

Gale and Barend felt their entire body being stabbed by pain as they lied motionless in small craters. Perhaps their bones were broken, perhaps their skins torn. It was simply grievous. They were at their ends, but the Red Ranger still got one more thing to fight for. “Go… Go, May… Go and save the others…” called out Gale with a croaked voice.

Inside her helmet, the Pink Ranger cried hard. She didn’t know what to do. Her team had fallen, some to the corruption and others to the physical brutes. She was also corrupted if she believed the monster’s words. But Red assured her that she was safe.

May felt his body freeze, but she must make a decision. Would she stay with the others in this cursed forest opening or would she step out to find other heroes that could help her help them? Red assured her that she was safe.

The Pink Ptera Ranger nodded. She mustered the strength and walk away. She was already at the edge. Two steps and she was out with her friends’ screams fading in the background.

May kept on walking and walking away. Her ballooning belly felt as excruciating as before. An urge built up in her mind. She grabbed her helmet.

May took off her helmet. Inside, her current predicament was apparent. The mushroom’s hyphae had grown out of her mouth to spread to her entire face and body. She was literally enveloped by the cursed latex-like tight cocoon. The Pink Ranger discarded her helmet and dropped to the ground. She couldn’t think straight anymore. Images of her being drowned in a sea of mushrooms dominated her brain.

The former heroine opened her mouth wide. With a gagging sound, a thick cloud of spore burst out. She tried to close her mouth but it was useless. May could feel her neck swollen up due to the amount of it.

At that point, May the Pink Powerful Ranger knew that she had made a grave mistake. The mushroom monster was telling the truth. She was a vessel for her plan of domination.

In her rotten mind, May could hear her mistress’ laughter echoing forever.