dig. [n alves]

synopsis: most of the time, N is just someone to be used. most.

note: ended things on a happy note. you're welcome (i did it to put myself out of my misery)

Everything you hear about being a middle child? All true. There are always exceptions, of course, but it's always true to a degree.

The eldest child is loved because they're first, though get significantly less attention as the years go on. The youngest is coddled and can get away with the most; no matter how old they are, they're still seen as the baby of the family. And then there's the middle child. They somehow get both treatments and none at all. They're expected to be independent but also reliant. They're loved but aren't. Remembered but forgotten.

None of this has ever particularly bothered N. They don't complain about it nearly as much as other people. Rather, they've simply accepted that's how things are. Their needs are secondary to their siblings and that's fine. Painful? Sure. But fine.

They suppose that's why they're so attentive to other people. Having been neglected for most of their life, the last thing they'd want to do is make others feel that way.

Someone's not talking as much in the group? Ask them something to include them in the conversation. Someone's lagging behind? Fall back and see how they're doing. Someone's…. Well, you get the idea.

It's how N has always been. Sometimes, they think that even if they hadn't grown up the middle child, they'd still act this way. It's not a bad trait to have. No, quite the opposite actually. However it came about, it's one of the things that N is most proud about themself.

Only… Only sometimes, maybe it would be nice to have that energy reciprocated. People notice if they're acting different, of course, but it only ever reaches the "are you okay?" stage and never the "if you want someone to talk to, I'm here" stage. And if it does, it's only said out of courtesy.

It frustrates them, sometimes. All the time. Makes them want to shout in people's faces and accuse them of not caring enough. Break down into tears and ask why everyone else is important enough to get this treatment but not them. Shut down until someone notices that they're fucking human too.

But no. This is the role they've allocated themself. They're the caring friend. The listener, the therapist. The friend you go to for all your problems but never the one you invite out to the club, because God, how boring would that be? They're the one you text when you've broken up with your ex, not the one you message because you're bored.

They've done this to themself. And each time they expose this side of them, they dig the hole deeper. Deeper and deeper until they can't even see the sunlight anymore. It's just constant shovelling. No climbing out now. There's no rope coming to save you. Just keep going. Keep digging.

Maybe things could've been different. Had their parents actually remembered they existed, maybe N wouldn't have turned up like this. If they actually spoke to their siblings, rather than cutting off communications at the ripe age of 18, maybe N wouldn't feel so secretly bitter.

But they did and they are.

Maybe it's just the people who they surround themself with. If so, then damn, N really knows how to pick 'em. It's not that they do it on purpose, of course, but it just always happens that way. They get their hopes up every time they make a new friend. Praying, begging that they won't use N like everyone else.

The only time their wishes ever came true was Blane, though it took a while to get there.

They know how it looks. People see Blane and N and wrinkle their noses, wondering why such an odd pair works. They think Blane is the one latching onto N, using them, but in reality, it's the other way around. N is the one that can't survive without Blane.

With Blane, N is treated as an equal. They aren't tossed to the side when their use is over, nor ignored when they want to talk about themself. It might've taken them a while to become friends, but from the beginning, Blane always respected N.

It was all N ever wanted. All they ever needed.

They're seen. Almost too seen, really. When they first met, Blane was constantly aware of N's presence or what they were doing. It made things significantly more difficult when N was trying to break down their walls, but it was better than being invisible. With Blane, N was always valued. Maybe overvalued in some senses, but valued all the same.

And then, of course, after Blane came you. Came [A] and K and Rylan. Came this group of friends that N never thought they'd get.

N is still as attentive as ever, but it's never taken for granted. People notice when they're at their limit. With this group, they're allowed to shout and break into tears and shut down. And if they ever do, someone will be there to get them through it. You will be there.

So, yes. Everything is a work in progress. They're still insecure. They're still wary of being used and not being able to say no. They're still worried about being stuck in Blane's shadow, which is an entirely different conversation, but a relevant one regardless. But, slowly but surely, they're working on it.

That hole they dug themself? If someone won't throw them a rope, they'll carve out stairs.