numb. [blane rekner]

synopsis: giant Blane lore drop????

Blane doesn't need a reminder. They're aware of every single misfortune that has befallen them. That their past is an explanation for who they are and it's impossible to change. That, realistically, it's not possible that everyone will betray them and it's okay to open up to people.

Still, they don't want to risk it.

The adoption system will do that to you. No parents, no relatives of any sort, just a few dozen other kids that are around your age, wondering why they weren't loved enough to stay with their birth family.

Blane got used to the crying and the fights. The sullen attitudes and the occasional optimistic kid rallying up the group, telling them that it will be their turn soon. The workers who encouraged this behaviour, despite knowing it was a lie. It was a soft cruelty, Blane called it. Not kind, by any means, but soft. It was as if they believed a cushioned landing would make it hurt less. Perhaps in theory, it would work, but reality always had something different to say.

Blane knew that better than most.

When they think back on their experience in the system, there is little to say. For the several years Blane was there, they ran away from at least a dozen foster homes and spoke no more than a few sentences per day. They knew from the beginning they were different from the other children, but they never quite understood until they were a teenager. Quite late to understand who they were, what they were, but that was the downside of growing up the way they did—there was no one to guide them.

It would’ve been worse if they were anything else. Half-Fae were newly gifted with brighter senses, nothing more. They learned to take advantage of that. Their sensitive hearing. The way they could distinguish footsteps from one another and detect another person coming from double the distance the other children could. The comfortable weight of a lie on their tongue.

Still, none of those skills could get them out of the system until they were legal. They tried, but each time they ran away, they’d merely be caught and thrown back. This is where they learned a valuable lesson: children couldn’t keep a secret. Not that they could blame them. Loyalty meant nothing when you wanted love and affection—why protect Blane when they could get those instead? Those… rewards. People were so easily bought over. Better to trust yourself instead.

And they did. Over and over again, throughout the years, they trusted less and less people and began to rely only on themself. It wasn’t so much a choice as it was a necessity.

Still, despite being for the good, it was lonely. They were lonely. There was the rare occasion where someone, usually a fellow foster child, tried to befriend them, but Blane always pushed them away. So they couldn’t be abandoned like they had by everyone else in their life. After all, foster homes were only temporary. The chance of them seeing these kids again was slim to none.

There is more to it, of course. If Blane's past was merely being raised in the system, it would be easier to heal. No, it was what happened that fatal night that broke them beyond repair.

All that caution just for one night to rip them to shreds.

Blane sucks in a breath. They press a hand against the wall, hoping to steady themself. It hurts. That one damn night. Why? Why would she do this? They feel themself begin to slide and let gravity take them, following it down until they're sitting on the floor. Each breath is a struggle. They gasp for air.  

It wasn't supposed to be this way. They're not supposed to feel. It worked so well before, but ever since that night, every lie, every insult that falls off their tongue, no matter how easy it is, creates a pang in their chest. Their stomach bottoms out each time they snarl at someone and storm off; their eyes threaten to water over when someone snaps at them for being so heartless.

That's the thing. The irony of it all. While people call Blane numb, call them callous, it couldn't be farther from the truth. Because if they were as cold as everyone said, this wouldn't be happening.