Billy's Halloween (pt 4)

As he stepped out into the street, feeling the chill of the October evening pass straight through him, Billy realized his Uber was not, in fact, waiting.

This wasn’t a surprise to Billy. While he didn’t use ride-sharing apps a lot, he’d used them enough to experience the “phantom arrival” – where a driver would take advantage of the slight inaccuracy of GPS to tell the app they had arrived at their destination, when in fact they were a few blocks away.

According to the drivers Billy had asked about this, it was a precaution to ensure that passengers wouldn’t ditch rides at the last moment. Still, it was irritating. Now he had to stand and shiver while he waited. “Should have worn a coat,” he muttered, feeling like his fake teeth were about to start chattering.

The street was already dark, and Billy stood under the pale glow of a porch light. After a minute or so, a set of headlamps finally rolled up in front of the house. It was showtime once more for Billy’s impression of Linda.

“Now or never,” he said under his breath, walking forward confidently in his new heels. He bent down slightly, probably giving the driver an eyeful of cleavage, and said, “For Linda?”

The driver looked Billy up and down, his eyes widening slightly. He was youngish-looking, with an Asian complexion. “Yep. Come on in.”

Billy opened the back door and carefully slipped into the rear seat opposite the driver’s side.

“We’re going downtown, right?” the driver asked.

“Yes,” Billy replied.

Without another word, they pulled away. Billy relaxed into the back seat, appreciating the warm temperature maintained in the car.

The drive was uneventful at first, Billy looking out the window at his familiar neighborhood, the driver carefully observing posted speed limits. Eventually, however, the driver worked up the courage to say something, which Billy had been expecting.

“You know,” he said, “you’re maybe the fifth ‘sexy witch’ I’ve had in the back this evening. Er, I mean – I’ve had in the back of the car.”

“I know what you mean,” said Billy in Linda’s tones. “Sexy witch, huh?”

“Well, yeah,” said the driver. “That’s it, right? Or – no, wait. Are you from The Addams Family?”

Billy laughed – a low, throaty chuckle that Linda specialized in.

“You could say that. She was kind of inspired by The Addams Family – the original TV show, I mean.”

“Inspired by The Addams Family. She was inspired,” the driver echoed. “So that sounds like you’re playing a specific character.”

“That’s right,” Billy said. “Someone you’ve obviously never seen before, but who was quite popular back in her heyday.”

“Well, when was her ‘heyday’?”

“The 1980s,” Billy replied.

“Ah, that explains it then,” said the driver. “I wasn’t even born.”

Figures, Billy thought to himself, although of course, he hadn’t been born either when Elvira had been at the peak of her popularity. If he’d gotten an Uber driver that was slightly more vintage, he thought, their eyes probably would have popped out of their head at the sight of Linda–as–Elvira. The thought made him smile.

“So, you want to give me a hint?” said the driver.

“It kind of depends on how much you’re into horror movies,” Billy said. “Specifically, kind of… ‘chintzy’ horror movies.”

“Oooh, that doesn’t narrow it down a lot,” the driver said. “Let’s face it, there were a lot of chintzy horror movies in the ‘80s. I mean, that’s when Child’s Play started, Nightmare on Elm Street, the Friday the 13th series... there are plenty of possibilities.”

Billy nodded, his face visible to the driver’s rearview mirror. “True,” he said, “but this woman was generally more associated with movies from the ‘50s and ‘60s.”

“Oh, real vintage stuff,” the driver said. “Are you saying she starred in some of them?”

Billy chuckled. “No, although, again, I can see why you might think that. She was more of a fan.”

“A fan,” the driver repeated. “I feel as if I’m getting close, but I’m still not too sure.”

“Think late-night TV,” Billy said.

Something about the way the driver kept looking back at him, flicking his eyes to the rearview mirror, made Billy slightly self-conscious – although in a good way.

“Could you move the passenger seat forward a bit?” Billy asked. “Carefully, of course, at the next light.”

“Sure.” At the next light, maybe half a block later, the driver leaned over and pulled the passenger-side front seat fully forward, giving Billy more room to move.

Billy took the opportunity to carefully cross his legs. He loved the feeling of one hosed leg passing over the other, and loved it even more when he was being watched. He made no attempt to stop his dress from falling open. The long slit up the side exposed a large amount of leg and thigh to the driver’s wandering eye.

“Still not got it yet?” Billy asked.

“Not quite,” said the driver.

“Well, keep your eyes on the road while you think about it,” Billy said with a smile. “We haven’t got that long to go anyway. You’re kind of up against the clock.”

“If I wasn’t driving, you know I’d be looking her up right now.”

Billy smiled, looking into the driver’s mirror with lowered lids. “That’s the problem with kids these days,” he said in a slightly mocking voice. “No knowledge retained in the brain. It all comes through the phone.”

“Kids these days,” the driver echoed. “How old are you?”

“Really? A gentleman never asks a lady her age.”

“A lady your age never wants to be asked,” the driver said with a smirk. “You just look young, that’s all. You can’t even be pushing 30.”

Billy laughed out loud, perfectly mimicking Linda’s reaction to such a suggestion. “That’s very, very nice of you to say,” he said. “I think this makeup probably covers a few flaws here and there.”

This much was true. Billy had added a layer of pale, gothic-style makeup over the foundation he’d already applied earlier in the day, meaning he was sitting there under a significant amount of product, which was easy to think might be natural in the dim light of the car.

“Well,” the driver said, “regardless of how old you actually are, I think you look like an absolute knockout in that outfit. And I don’t care whether you’re a sexy witch or some sort of horror movie icon – you’re going to knock them dead wherever you’re going. In fact, where are we going?”

“Honestly, I’ve never been there before myself. It’s some corporate HQ.”

“Oh,” the driver said. “You think I’ll recognize it when we drive up?”

Billy shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s not a company I know.”

“So why are you going there?”

Billy wondered if he should tell the truth. Why not? “I’m actually the entertainment,” he said.

“Really? Does that mean you’re famous?”

Billy laughed softly, the same way Linda always would whenever anyone made that inquiry. “I was kind of famous a long time ago. Around the same time this woman was actually famous.”

“Oh, the ‘80s?”

“Correct.”

“So, you were famous in the ‘80s, she was famous in the ‘80s... what was it that you were doing?”

“Oh, I starred in a fairly short-lived TV show for a while,” Billy replied. “It was fun, but no-one really watched it.”

“What was it called?” the driver said. “Maybe I can find it on streaming.”

Billy smiled. As far as he was aware, Guardian Girls was still only available in physical DVD format. “I’m afraid not,” he said. “I think you’ll have to go online and find yourself a physical copy. It was called Guardian Girls.”

The driver nodded, though it was clear he had no idea what Billy was talking about.

Billy checked the app on his phone and saw that they were maybe three or four minutes away from their destination. For a second, he watched the car icon cross the screen and thought about the people waiting for him to make an appearance at the party. He hoped he wouldn’t let them down – or Linda.

“Looks like we’re almost there,” he said, absentmindedly.

“Yep,” the driver said. “This looks like the sort of place a corporate HQ might be.” He drove for a few more moments. “So Guardian Girls, huh? What kind of a show was it?”

“It was a Charlie’s Angels rip-off,” Billy said, then realized the kid might not even know what Charlie’s Angels was.

“Oh, the Drew Barrymore film?”

Billy smiled. “Well, it was the Drew Barrymore film after it was a TV show.”

“Oh, right, right,” said the driver.

“I suppose I should be grateful that you didn’t mention the Kristen Stewart movie,” Billy chuckled. “None of the movies were bad, but that was like the third or fourth incarnation. Anyway, Guardian Girls was kind of similar. There were a few other similar shows. Female crime fighters, action, a little bit of – well, T and A.”

Billy watched the driver’s eyes, which shifted subtly to look at him at the mention of “T and A”, but the young man said nothing. Billy’s “T’s” were clearly on display, so there was clearly no mystery here, but maybe he wanted a look at the ‘A’.

“Well,” the driver said, “I hope everyone at the party is excited to see you. I think you look fantastic, and I’m sure they’re going to be happy.”

Billy shrugged. “I did my best. You wouldn’t believe what I looked like an hour ago.”

Smiling to himself at the double meaning, Billy uncrossed and recrossed his legs once more, looking to see if the driver reacted. It was subtle, but it was there; a flicker of the eyes, a casual glance.

Billy allowed one of his hands to rest on his thigh. He felt the hose beneath his fingertips, and almost instinctively rubbed there, as if perhaps he was scratching an itch. Then he moved his hand further down, cupping under his knee. At the same time he extended his calf, so that Linda was showing off her shapely leg, quite deliberately, to the driver’s mirror view.

He was looking, Billy was certain of that, but he didn’t really want to acknowledge that. It was fun to show off, to see if he could get a reaction, but the last thing he needed was an app driver thinking he was about to get lucky. After all, Billy could potentially end up with a ride home from the guy.

Still, it was fun to show off. Especially when he had new shoes on.

Carefully Billy slid his Louboutin off his heel, allowing the shoe to tangle from his toes. He knew some guys were into that, the ‘shoe dangle’. It was definitely a power move in his eyes. Showing your seduction target that your shoe comes off. Allowing them to imagine they were the ones removing it. Making them think about your legs gradually becoming exposed, about one more layer of clothing being revealed.

After a few moments of dangling, he pushed his foot back into the shoe and recomposed himself, as if he’d just been stretching innocently.

The driver’s eyes flickered to him once more, clearly watching when he could.

Turning slightly Billy picked up Linda’s purse, finding her compact and a chapstick. It wasn’t lipstick, but it would do. He turned the chapstick’s end as he flipped open the compact and stared into it, looking at his eyes, seeing the boy behind the mask. Then he slowly pressed the chapstick against his fake lips, rubbing it lightly across them, leaving a slight sheen.

If the dangling of his heel had been ‘shoe play’, he guessed this was ‘mouth play’. Another symbol. Another power move. Look at these lips, it says. Imagine these lips kissing you. Imagine them around your cock. Can you imagine that?

The driver’s eyes were looking at him carefully as he finished applying chapstick on his top lip and moved to his bottom. Billy couldn’t deny it, making Linda act as a seductress like this, flirting silently, was turning him on. Especially when he thought about the appearance of Elvira, a reference that this young driver didn’t get, but it didn’t matter. A woman in a slinky black dress, high heels and hose was going to turn on a certain kind of man every time, and it seemed like this young driver was that certain kind of man.

The driver coughed, breaking eye contact as Billy finished with the chapstick. “I guess we’re here,” he said, slowing the car to turn a corner.

The car pulled into a private paved cul-de-sac at the end of which stood a squat, imposing building with dull minimalist lines and glass everywhere. Billy dropped the chapstick back in Linda’s purse, snapped the compact shut and dropped that in too. The driver pulled up near the building’s double glass doors, then started to mess with his phone without even turning around. “This is it,” he said, like a reminder.

“I really appreciate it,” Billy said, opening the back door. “You’re getting five stars, for sure.”

Finally the driver turned back, flashing Billy a cheeky smile. “A tip would be even better!”

Billy chuckled as he swung open the car door, then gracefully settled his Louboutins on the paved entranceway to the building. Taking a deep breath, he exited the car, smoothed down the material of his dress, and strode towards the front doors.

In the few seconds between Billy leaving the car and entering the building, he considered about five different options for his entrance: a showy, hands-above-the-head pose? Some sort of bold, sexy strut? For a split second, he even considered walking in meekly and introducing himself in a soft whisper. But at the last moment he told himself ‘no’. Not only was he Linda Merrill for the night, but he was also Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. Both of these personalities were going to guide his every action in the next few hours.

Pushing open the door, he stood momentarily in the frame and spoke loud enough for the few people in the building lobby to hear.

“Good evening, everyone. I am this evening’s entertainment.”

Behind a solid looking reception desk, a half-asleep security guard with a fat neck snapped his head around to look in Billy’s direction, eyes widening. Another smaller, female security guard looked up from her work and smiled, apparently unsurprised at Billy’s appearance.

“Oh, hi,” she said. “I think I heard you were coming in.” She moved out from behind the desk, addressing the other guard. “Hey, will you tell Julie upstairs that her entertainment is here?”

The other guard, without taking his eyes off Billy, lifted a phone and dialed.

Billy stepped inside, the door silently swinging shut behind him, ushering in a gust of wind that ruffled his dress around his legs. He pressed down lightly on his thighs to prevent too much from being seen; a little glimpse is all they’d get for now.

The female security guard walking towards him wore a green jacket with a security company logo on it, tan pants and black shoes. Billy noticed a pistol at her hip. Still, she had a pleasant smile on her tanned face, which was makeup free.

“Welcome,” she said. “We just need to get you signed in.”

“Certainly,” Billy said, following the guard. At the sound of his new heels clicking on the floor he felt incredibly self-conscious for a second, but as he noticed the furtive looks from the male security guard, he felt confidence coming back. He summoned his self-control, straightened his back, and walked proudly towards the reception desk.

A huge corporate logo was mounted on the wall, but Billy had no clue what it represented. It was some sort of tech company, he thought. It didn’t matter what they did for him to entertain them.

As the female guard moved around the reception desk, Billy said “Is this where you ask me to pose for an ID photo? I must look like death.”

The female guard snorted with laughter. “No, all we need is a signature from you.” She picked up a tablet and handed it over to Billy.

Billy said in his best Elvira voice, “What, no paper?”

“Not anymore.” The guard pointed to the bottom of the screen. “Just sign with your finger down there.”

Billy glanced at her. “Does it matter what name I sign?”

The guard realized what he was asking and said, “Honestly, not really.”

With the tip of his fingertip, which was a little difficult because of the nails affixed to them, Billy gracefully wrote the word “Elvira” in the signature box and then put a tiny heart next to it. He passed it back to the guard, who smiled at what he’d written and then asked her counterpart, “Can you print a visitor pass for Elvira here?”

“Sure thing.” In a moment Billy heard something printing; the female security guard ripped off a sticker from the printer and came towards Billy, sticker in hand.

“Hold on a second,” Billy said. “You want to put that on me?”

“Uh, that’s what we’re supposed to do.”

Billy raised one Elvira-styled eyebrow. “Are you sure? Look at what I’m wearing. White absolutely does not go with this outfit, darling.”

The security guard burst into laughter again. “Okay, how about I put it on a lanyard and then you can wear that around your neck?”

Billy rolled his eyes. “If I must.”

The guard retreated to figure out the badge situation. Billy turned and sat gracefully on one of the visitor chairs nearby to wait. A few moments later, the guard returned with a lanyard and plastic badge that simply said ‘Elvira’ on it.

As Billy passed the lanyard carefully over his Elvira hair, he heard the soft ding of a nearby elevator, and then the high-pitched squeal of a woman.

“Oh my God!”

He turned his head to see a curvy middle-aged woman with a dated haircut, too much makeup, and heels that were slightly too high come walking towards him at a rapid clip.

“I’m Julie,” she said loudly for everybody to hear, “and you, obviously, are Elvira! Ahhh!”

Billy nodded, standing and smoothing down his dress as he did so. This was going to be interesting, he thought. He held out one hand, palm down, fingertips poised as if Julie were supposed to kiss it. Instead, she rather awkwardly tried to shake; Billy tried to accommodate, but they ended up in a half-shake, half-kiss situation. It broke the ice, allowing Billy to laugh and break character for a moment.

“I’m Linda,” Billy said quietly. “Very pleased to meet you, Julie.”

“We’ve been trading emails,” Julie said, looking a little confused.

“Oh, of course, I remember now,” Billy said, covering quickly. “Sorry about that. So where are we going?”

“Upstairs to the very top floor. The party’s already in full swing. I’m so, so excited for you to meet everybody. Especially Martin.”

“Who’s Martin?” Billy said innocently, as Julie waved goodbye to the security guard and gently tugged Billy by the arm as they moved towards the elevators.

“Martin’s our CEO,” Julie said. “He was the one who specifically asked to get an Elvira impersonator for this event.”

“Well, it is Halloween,” Billy said.

Julie hit the up button on the elevator bank. “Between you and me,” she said, “I think he might have had a thing for Elvira when he was younger.”

Of course he did, Billy thought. “Well, I guess he’s the CEO, right?”

“That’s right – and what he wants, he gets,” Julie said.

The elevator arrived. As they stepped inside, Julie swiped her own ID card on a reader and pressed the button for the fifth floor. “I am so excited for you to meet everyone!”

The doors closed and Billy took a deep breath, sinking even further into his dual characters, the performance about to begin.