⛥ November Q&A ⛥

better late than never! where has time gone in the last couple months? it's like I blink and another two weeks have come and gone. I suppose it's like that throughout holiday season. altars to decorate, treats to bake, friends to see before everyone goes home. there's no place like home. and I've made mine here. I realized that when I made notes for a bonus video about differences between living in the US vs Germany. without thinking, I started writing, "differences living in Germany vs home" (sounds made up but I caught myself mid writing thinking "wait USA doesn't start with h")

I love how memories and stories of Germany have become nothing but a fun conversation starter. and while I have made some worthwhile experiences there and had the pleasure of meeting some absolutely wonderful people, remembering the experience of living there still fills me with anxiety. and I get to take a breath and tell myself this is all in the past and I will never have to deal with that again. still waiting for the reality of this to hit me but it all comes gradually. like healing from trauma, you slowly start catching yourself actually relaxing and wondering what it'll take to stop feeling anxious for no reason. it helps to have fun facts and trivia to share and laugh at with people. to have a place to call home that's actually nice and filled with things you love. a purring lap warmer, a husband who makes you fresh coffee when you wake up. an apartment that's coming together slowly. we just bought our first piece of dining room furniture from a used furniture store yesterday. we call her buffy the buffet. her shelves fit the cat food bags perfectly and her drawers are spacious enough for stocking candles. we love buffy the buffet. 

the only thing buffy the buffet can't do is answer your questions so I guess my answers will have to suffice. 

Do you believe in extraterrestrials? absolutely. I think it's pretty high and mighty of people to think that in this vast universe, we should be the only intelligent species. UFO and alien sightings and abduction stories intrigue me to no end. I myself haven't had the pleasure of such an experience, but I was told by someone who has that I may have been probed without my knowledge, shown by strange marks on my back. one day I woke up with three lines of dots on my back that caused no pain or other sensation which is why I hadn't noticed them at first. what's strange about those marks was that they were three perfectly straight lines of dots, only 1.5mm in diameter, growing paler towards the end of each line and with each row. the third row was only barely visible. it was on the left side of my middle back, under my rib cage and there is absolutely no logical reason to explain the sudden appearance of those marks. I would certainly have known if I had "slept on a hair brush", but seeing as there were no indents (or discomfort), this "explanation" can be safely ruled out. their only discerning feature was reddish discoloration as seen in scars, but with no evident scarring - just, you know, tiny, sharp (no soft/fuzzy/gradient edges as seen in pressure marks), perfectly circular, and in three suspiciously straight lines with about 4mm distance between each dot. totally normal stuff. with the tone of the discoloration I expected the 'scars' to fade gradually, but when I checked the next day, they were gone. no trace of any dots or discoloration. I do not remember any alien encounter nor any suspicious dreams that night, which I would have definitely asked myself because my brain is wired to look for patterns and connect all kinds of... bear with me... dots. I wouldn't call this strange phenomenon "proof" of alien life, but there is a chance that the origin of those marks may have been extraterrestrial in nature. at least that's the most logical explanation I've heard thus far. 

Have you read Divergent? no, but I have seen the movies. I'm not big on YA fiction novels but found the movies quite inspiring and well made, at least for their time. 

Have you seen the Haunting of hill house? no. I was told it's supposed to be the precursor for Haunting of Bly Manor, but I either haven't gotten around to watching it or started watching and found it to be boring. Jack and I have gone through a lot of shows with netflix being the one shared activity you can reasonably engage in in a long distance relationship and we have started plenty a show only to find they're not up to our tastes. we're partial to horror, thriller and sci fi so in those genres it is quite likely that we have at least started watching an episode and it just didn't capture our attention. 

Does Jack prefer to use scrunchies, hair ties or both? hair ties.

Do you prefer to eat Chinese food with chopsticks or knife and fork? I will take whatever I'm handed. I can eat with chopsticks just fine and it makes sense for things like sashimi and dumplings, but if we get takeout and they don't give us chopsticks, I have no issue using our trusty silverware. 

Does Jack play any instruments? no.

Does Jack like dark humor? sure.

Are you interested in palm reading? somewhat. I'm actually doing research for a future video on palmistry in particular. even though my natural motivation to learn this topic is mild at best, it's one of my best and most specific ASMR triggers irl. so I want to recreate the experience for others to enjoy. even watching it in videos, between the hand tracing and spiritual energy it's the most potent trigger I've ever encountered. 

Have you ever cooked your own Chinese food? yes but it wasn't very good. I've actually adopted a westernized form of stir fried rice as one of my staple dishes in my teens and 20's, but you just can't ever get the flavor the same as the restaurants. even from a packet it's just not the same. 

What kind of food does Jack usually like to cook? American. when I wasn't there to cook for him, his diet was pretty much rotating tacos, eggs, sandwiches, salads, pizza and soup. 

How was Halloween in the US? fun. the night before we went out with friends in costume. ours were last minute and half assed because we didn't want to spend a fortune on a convincing costume after seeing how much they charge for a crappy, ugly one. instead we went with a timeless, black and white look. Jack went as the crow and I as a skeleton. even though the night was short lived, it's fun hanging out with people who don't suck. we went to a gay bar and I'm pretty sure Jack got hit on. 

Any chance these photosets will get compiled into a book later on? They really capture the mood. I have considered a project like that, but delayed it thinking no one would actually buy a book of just my photos. was gonna combine it with poetry, too. let me know how you like the idea, maybe I'll give it another shot!

Have you played around with infrared lens filters? They are inexpensive and supposedly produce very surreal Winter landscape shots. I have not. I even just got a new lens to play around with for my photography. it's been so much fun learning the ins and outs of the sigma 100-400mm, even though finding motifs has been a bit challenging. I've shot with canon 18-135mm for so long, I've trained my eyes to see in 18-135mm. now by the time I spot a good motif, I'm way too close. I'm still getting used to the different image style. sony has a distinct cinematic image composition compared to other brands. I'm used to the picturesque quality of canon that is unmistakably reminiscent of a still image. when you look at a sony still image, the composition and detail appear as though you're watching a film (that just happens to not be moving). I have a set of lens filters for my zeiss lens but not any of the others. given all my motifs from the fall have gradually disappeared from the landscape, it may be worth seeing what winter looks like through a different filter. so far I've been enjoying the landscapes as the vibrant colors of fall have made way for deep greens, whites and purples. 

Have you ever felt like You’re the only adult at any of your former workplaces? only every place I ever worked at. turns out, 20-somethings aren't any more mature than teenagers. some people don't mature past high school even in their 30's and 40's. it's actually embarrassing. I'm all for having fun and not taking life too seriously but damn, would it kill people to treat their work place like a work place? work is not there to help you pass the time between smoke breaks, Rudy. it's also not a gathering spot designed for you to accomplish your daily goal of getting on my nerves Peter. and quit bossing everyone around, Violetta, you're not our boss and everyone can smell your vendetta against me from a mile away. and give my usb stick back, Maggie. you asked to borrow it, it's your responsibility to return it. 

Do you like horror fiction? yes. just not with college age characters in it please omg Jack tried to show me cabin in the woods and I wanted to kill everyone in it not even 10 minutes in. 

Do you have a P.O. Box? My daughter makes these rings with coffin shaped moonstones held in a spider web filigree. I'd love to send one to you if you're interested. I don't have one set up yet, but I will be sure to share it when I do. thank you for thinking of me, your daughter's craft sounds stunning. does she have an etsy shop?

Did you and Jack have a pleasant Thanksgiving dinner? yes, I made a million and one dishes and we had leftovers for weeks. it was my first attempt at a thanksgiving dinner and I am more than grateful I am not a chef. coordinating thanksgiving dinner for two people was overwhelming enough. 

Do you like renaissance art? yes. it is, in my opinion, the art form that most qualifies for the title of "art". to me, art is about beauty and I don't find color blocks and squiggly lines very "artistic". at the very least, artwork should look like the artist tried to make something beautiful. it should be a showcase of not only skill, but the aesthetic eye. I can get behind abstract art and impressionism, modern and contemporary art - what I can't and will never call art is anything sloppy and thoughtless looking that may or may not resemble the graffiti in your pub's bathroom stall or anything that a 4 year old could have made. 

Has Jack ever dyed his hair? no.

Have you seen the Witcher? we've started watching it, but it failed to keep our attention. there was an awful lot of hype for a mediocre fantasy show. 

Can you do any tricks using a yo-yo? no. anything that requires coordination is a particular weak spot. I can barely get it to go up and down and that is if I try. yo-yos were such a big trend when I was in 4th grade and we went on a class trip to a ski resort and hostel once and just about everyone spent their allowance on yo-yos and got busy playing and doing tricks with them. it was a whole thing. I found it a more appropriate use of my money to appreciate the fine hand-blown glassware and bought a set of liqueur glasses for my parents after our educational tour of a local glass workshop. (they didn't appreciate it one bit but I kept the glasses after they eventually divorced and both moved). 

On the topic of being yourself in your latest Patreon video post, have you seen this TED Talk? You might find it very reaffirming: https://youtu.be/veEQQ-N9xWU yes, it's a very popular one and I've seen it multiple times. the thing I have to heal from on the topic of being myself is the negative reinforcement I associate with expressing anything of myself (that's not art). I appreciate the vibe of the video and the stoic attitude towards oneself and life. I have reached a similar conclusion myself recently. for the past decade it seems I've been trying to fix my extremely low self-worth as though it was another flaw that had to be eradicated for me to be able to live in peace and unbothered by other people. not to mention it just kinda sucks to feel like shit about yourself constantly. but it seems over the years I've grown content with even this personality trait. I still have embarrassingly low self-worth that seems unshakeable even in the face of constant praise and compliments and unconditional love, but it just doesn't really bother me anymore. I have accomplished all the things I have while feeling like shit about myself and started building a beautiful life for myself and my husband while still suffering from low self-worth and I've noticed that I don't need to feel great about myself to do any of the things I want to do or bring to this planet. on the rare occasion I may consider that maybe I am as much as "ok" or "acceptable", but I'm not there yet and at this point I don't care. 

I hope all of you are having a lovely wonderful holiday season. remember it is also the season of self-care as holiday activities can be draining to say the least. I would like you to remember to respect your own boundaries when family can be overbearing. get through the rest of the year safe and mind your mental health at least as much as your physical health and don't forget to get some fresh air and sun even if the cold is less than inviting. thank you for sticking with me and I raise my glass to your health and wellbeing 🍸

the new question post is here by the way