Mental Chapter 5 (Final)

“Stop. What are you doing?” Meredith thought to herself. She leaned up against the hallway, then put her forehead in her hands.

“No, this isn’t happening. Fuck that little bitch. If she hadn’t shoved that diaper into my face, I wouldn’t be thinking like this. I keep wanting to think about… diapers. But I know that’s no good. I am a big girl. I am not little girl like Nat. I have to stay big kid. I know how to do that! I do smart adult things every day. Yeah, this is no problem at all. I will go make some coffee and watch the news….” Meredith thought. She pushed herself off the wall then started making her way down the kitchen. She grimaced before continuing in her head.

“…Jeez that sounds so boring. Why do big kids do such lame things? It’d be so much gooder to watch something fun… like Ben 10… or, or, um, code name kids next door!! I- MEREDITH. STOP. NO. I cannot think like this!! Ugh!! I’m not as little as Natalie. The drugs they put in that diaper. It’ll work itself out. Everything in the body works itself out eventually.” Meredith thought, she rounded the corner into the kitchen.

“This is seriously screwed up. I… I don’t want to become like her. Am I going to become like her? I don’t want to go back into diapers. Me no want to go pee pee in them. I.. I have to think straight. It’s so hard to keep all of my thoughts… together. They’re slipping. They’re so hard to remember. What I was… doing? I was making something. I was getting something for a big kid? What big kids are in this house? It’s only me and Natalie. Shoot, I need to check up on her again. That’s what the Mommy does. Yeah… I’m the Mommy. I am Natalie’s Mommy!” Meredith chuckled, she felt herself loosen up at the situation. She began taking the Whole Milk out of the fridge. The chocolate syrup was next.

“I am… making chocolate milk. Oh no. I didn’t want to make this, didn’t I? I’m second-guessing everything. Crap. I should lock myself up until the diapers go bye bye in my head. Um, yeah. I don’t want to think about diapers all the time. I only want to think about them some of the times. Like, how nice they are to wear in the summer. I can play outside all I want. Is boring to go potty. I just want to go in my….” Meredith stopped what she was doing. She quietly placed the gallon of milk back down onto the countertop. The glass was only half-filled with milk. Her worried eyes stared up at the wall.

“Meredith.” She said to herself. “Leave this house immediately. Call for help. If I stay like this, I’m going to become like Natalie. I need to call 911 right now.” She thought, she walked away from the milk and towards the front door. That’s where she’d dropped her stuff when she first walked in. She saw her keys, wallet, and phone in the bowl next to the door; as well as the two packs of diapers from the lab she’d left before chasing down Natalie.

“Diapies.” She thought lazily, her lips grew into a small grin, before she shook her head. “Be a big girl. Big. GIRL. I no use those diapers. I get different ones. Those ones will make me too silly. I needa call my Mommy. Er, wasn’t I suppose to call… someone else? I think Mommy won’t help… but she is in charge. She smart and know what to do. Yeah, I’ll call Mommy and she can helps me.” Meredith thought, she leaned in toward the bowl, doing her best not to look at the diapers while doing so. She grabbed her phone, then walked toward the couch. She plopped herself into the middle, before flicking her phone screen open.

“Ookay… What was I doin? I was going to call my Mommy… I need to um, which ones do I do with the buttons? I… uh-oh… All these letters are really hard to read. They look too small. There’s so many of them next to each other. How am I suppose’ to read dese!? They suppose to go A, B, C, then D, and they suppose’ to be really really big. Ugh, how do I change it to be a number line. That a lot easier to know. Nuts, we just did this in school. What did Ms. Katie say to do? S-sound it out. Yeah! That’s all me have to do. Okay. I need to call my Mommy. Call. That starts with a ‘kuh’ sound. C…. Then I hear a “aahh” sound after the ‘kuh.’ Ca…. Um. What is the ‘lllll’ part? That goes after the ‘A’ right? Or… um. Wow… I should know this. I should know how to spell Call. That word is so easy. I can’t… spell. I… I really can’t spell this word? I.. I don’t know how to read. Me not big girl. I…!” Meredith thought. She had incredibly weak control with her emotions. She threw her phone across the room in a burst of anger. “I’m stupid baby!” She wanted to be a big kid, but failing at the most simple reading task didn’t make her feel big at all. She felt herself give up in frustration.

“Being big kid hard. Stupid. Make me feel bad. I not gonna learn how to read. It’s too stupid and hard.” She thought, feeling content with that line of reasoning. While Meredith was working on her phone, she didn’t notice the TV was still on from before. A commercial playing softly in the background caught her attention.

“We will remodel your bathroom for NO MONEY DOWN! That’s right! Get the bathroom of your dreams for as little as…” The commercial droned. Meredith dazed at the screen bewildered.

“The… bathroom? What is that? Where is it? Is that something we have? It looks… like Mommy has been in there before. She take me there… Oh! That where the scary shower is! Mommy make me go in there for shower, and me no like it. I wanna bath. That’s what the bathroom does. Or.. Um…” Meredith thought, she wracked her brain for any memories. She could see distant faded images of herself sitting down on a white seat, but that was the extent of it. She couldn’t put any physical meaning on the chair. If she looked down at herself in the memory, there was nothing. The toilet seat was just that, something for her to sit on. It served no other function in her mind.

“I needa pee pee.” She thought, suddenly feeling a strong urge to urinate overcome her. Instinctively she stood up, but that’s as far as her mind would take her. She did her best to tighten her muscles. She didn’t feel confident in her control. The pressure from an ocean of heavy pee pushed down onto her.

“Oohh..” She groaned, she twisted her legs in between one another. Her hands instinctively snaked between them, they pressed up into her body in a feeble attempt at exerting control. “I hafta to do something. I… I need to go somewhere. Mommy said something about this. Where do I go pee pee?” Meredith thought, but she couldn’t think of anything. Her mind didn’t have an answer for feeling this pain. It just happened. It was a sensation that came and went naturally.

“Ahh” Meredith whispered, as the pain suddenly started to alleviate itself. The feeling of letting go felt good. Meredith was rewarded with a pleasant feeling of warm pee gushing into her pants. The wetness cascaded down her pants in the form of wide dark stains. It warmed the inside of her legs. Meredith felt herself get lost in the sensation of pissing herself. Her thoughts melted from an inner monologue to blissful thoughts of soft random dribble. Warm wet blankets wrapped around her brain. The feeling of being wet was familiar. It felt commonplace. Her legs weren’t normally dry. Cold wet sheets around her hips. Drenched clothing tugging heavy between her legs. The dense wet mess of a diaper was all she knew.

“I… I’m peeing myself.” Meredith thought calmly. It was like saying a fly had landed on her arm. She looked down at herself, then instantly waved it off as no big deal. “I had an accident! Why me no wearin’ a diapie?” She thought, her mind zeroed in on the diapers instantly. The need to wear a diaper commanded all of her mind’s attention. She snapped to the package of diapers. She grabbed at the base of one with two hands. She lifted up the package, then held it in place as she started walking across the room. Her mind felt happiness buzz through her thoughts, knowing she was about to go back into diapers.

“I wear diapers all the time, but why am me not wearing a diaper now? I thought I always wearing diaper. It… I don’t rememba’ wearing one today, or… erm.. it’s hard to think that far. Mommy wants me to wear diapers, or she get mad. I get pee pee pants like this! Heheh, I had an accident. I don’ know why diapie not on. I could keep playing. Who care if diapie get warm.” Meredith thought, leaving her phone and milk behind. She slowed down before approaching the hallway. Her head looked back. Something about the room felt important.

“I was suppose to do something in there? Me thinks. I was at the door way, and I was going to do something really important. I was…” Meredith thought, feeling her adult self try desperately to regain control of her brain. It was hard to concentrate.

She gets lucid again, realizes what she’s doing.

“I can’t stop myself. I am walking into this room. I am not stopping. I’m going to become like Natalie. Wow, I didn’t know this is how it’d end. I thought she was going to be my little. I don’t even like diapers. Is that true? I can’t think of a time I didn’t like wearing diapers. They’re just so soft… and warm… and they make me feel safe… and…” Meredith thought, trailing off as she approached the nursery.

“Is this a bad way for my life to end? I don’t think so. I guess it could be a lot worse. At least I won’t know that I’m dumb. I’ll be too dumb to know…. That’s… Hm.” Meredith thought, she crossed through the doorway and into the room. Natalie was still there. She was laying on her back down on the floor. She wasn’t babbling this time. Instead, the only noises that came out of her mouth were low tones. Her lips were too numb to move anymore. Her face was covered in her own drool. The diaper around her waist was starting to look heavily used.

“I… think it’ll be okay. Everything will all be okay.” Meredith tried to reassure herself, as she dropped the package of diapers onto the bed. She dug a nail into the plastic, then ripped it open. “I will be able to make new friends. They’ll be super nice I bet. We can do fun things together like sing and play with toys. That sounds like really good fun times. Maybe being a baby won’t be too bad. I get to wear diapers! That’s a plus. I no have to worry about potty anymore. I nevah have to think about it again.” She reasoned, her hand quickly grabbed a folded diaper out of the pack. Her brain lit up with bright excitement.

“I need to wear these diapers.” Rushed through her mind, she didn’t want that to be true. Meredith still wanted to be an adult. There were plenty of negatives to it, but for the most part, she didn’t want to be a baby again. She knew the power of these drugs though. She’d seen it work firsthand on Natalie. Her addiction was already so deep, she was willing to trade her life away for wet diapers and drool after just one hit.

“I can still try…” Meredith thought, before unfolding a diaper. The sweet smell of the powder wafted into her nose. It broke the last of her adult mind.

“… To get this so wet! I gonna make my diapie more wet then youuu!!” Meredith said, pointing down at Natalie. She chuckled confidently. “I gonna show you I the big kid by going pee pee more. I have bigger diapers, because I taller than you. You just go a little. I da big sister.” She thought, with her freehand, she undid her jeans button, then shimmied down her pants. She stepped in between the diaper, then paused. She looked into Natalie’s eyes.

“I didn’t want it to come to this.” She whispered. Deep down, she knew the right thing to do. She didn’t fight it, because she knew it was already too strong. Her hands wouldn’t take that diaper away even if she tried. Meredith smiled and said, “I’m ready to be a baby again.” The diaper slid up between her legs, and stopped firmly in groin. With haste, she tapped herself in before her fingers got too loose.

“Ooo yes! The diapie feels soo gooooddd… I feel so good in my diapie.” She thought, her face started to droop to one side. “Why was I playing big kid? Is so much better being little. I can get to plaayyyy oof!” Meredith squealed, feeling the weight of her body collapse onto the ground. The thick padding stopped her butt from landing too hard. Soft happy tones bubbled out of her mouth.

“I.. I nun gun be biwg. I gunna be baby. I pee pee… I don’ know. I don’t know stop it. I love going. I jump up and down, make it go out faster! Ye ye ye… it gets squishier. Is squishy. Diapie. Squishy…. I don pishy….. I fumb…num num bum…” Meredith thought, the meaning behind words dissolved. She didn’t know what they were anymore. Vocally, she uttered nonsensical grunts. Her eyes drifted randomly around the room. Suddenly, her mouth felt full, and her thumb felt warm and moist in between her teeth. Sucking soothed her mind further. It quieted into dim nothing. She didn’t control her thoughts anymore. All she experienced were bright or dark sensations.

They were found days later after they were nearly out of lab diapers. They couldn’t answer the investigator’s questions, they didn’t understand what they were saying in the first place. They didn’t understand anything anymore. It’s what the lab diapers wanted.

It’s what they wanted.

MC

2021