THE SMITH AND SNIFF ENCYCLOPAEDIA

A handy compendium of things from the podcast

Hello and welcome to the Smith and Sniff encyclopaedia, a handy compendium of some of the things talked about in the podcast which might help to explain the background of at least some of this shite. Let us know if there’s something you’d like adding and we’ll see what we can do.

6Music – British digital radio station beloved of middle-aged indie dads and the kind of place bands with odd names might find a home, what with John Peel (q.v.) no longer being with us. Home to eternally youthful DJ Stoive Lamacq, formerly of the Oivening Session.

A-pillar gash – Deep, probably unrepairable damage to a structurally important part of a car caused by some kind of unspecified and improbable incident, possibly involving a skip or a lorry trailer. As spotted by Jonny on a parked Mazda and discussed in episode 121.

Acrimonious Rally – Imaginary motorsport event in which each driver and co-driver has had a massive disagreement about a personal matter just before the start, leading to a highly tense and awkward in-car atmosphere across multiple special stages. And probably separate tables in the hotel for dinner.

Alan Cantara – Mythical ‘70s lounge lizard, famed for his grippiness. And his popularity around the Lancia design studio.

Albarn, Damon – British musician, best known as the lead singer of Blur and the musical talent behind Gorillaz. Also well-known, at least in Smith and Sniff world, for having an extremely sibilant speaking voice. In other words, when he talks it often sounds like somewhere in the near distance a Discovery II with a big roof rack is passing at speed.

Alldays & Onions – British engineering company formed in the 19th century with the merger of two even older engineering firms and which, in 1898, started making cars. Unfortunately you can’t buy an Alldays & Onions car today because they gave up building them in 1918, perhaps because too many people laughed at their name. Mentioned in conversation during episode 28 of the podcast and somehow still associated with Smith and Sniff ever since.

And all that – Unnecessary sentence suffix over-used by a Volkswagen enthusiast Jonny knew when he worked on a VW mag, first discussed in episode 73 and now part of the Smith and Sniff lexicon.

Auction – See ock-shun

Baldock – Slightly weird, not-quite-on-the-motorway service area near the A1 in Hertfordshire, UK, near to the town of the same name. The spiritual home of Smith and Sniff since it was where Jonny and Richard often met up when making their old YouTube videos and also because it’s a bit strange and rubbish.

Blouson – A short, casual jacket with an aggressively elasticated waist, once considered quite stylish but now at risk of making you look like an flute (q.v.).

Blue Zeus – ‘Natural aphrodisiac’ pill frequently seen in the vending machines you find in British service station lavatories. Currently rated two stars out of five on TrustPilot so you might want to look elsewhere if you’ve got genuine knob problems.

Bobbins – Rubbish, crap, useless. Northern slang, invented in cotton mills. Now used enthusiastically by Jonny who is not Northern and has never worked in a cotton mill, as far as we know.

Bollock porridge – Comical slang for semen deployed by Jonny to amusing effect during his YouTube review of the VW e-Up when he couldn’t get the charging bung to come off.

Boots Vouchers – Defunct shop-specific currency touted by UK high street chemist chain Boots, often received as Christmas or birthday presents by British kids in the 1980s and greeted with disappointment since few eight-year-olds had much need to buy rubber gloves, verruca socks or home brew kits. In fairness, the larger stores had a music section and sold computer games so it wasn’t all bad. The buzz kill of Boots Vouchers and the randomness of the company’s stock policies – why is a chemist selling small televisions? – once inspired a very bored Richard to create a weird synth song about them. He mentioned this in episode 99 of the podcast which ended with a small snippet of the song. The full thing can be found on the Smith and Sniff YouTube channel along with an even stranger ‘Stellantis’ (q.v.) remix.

Brian – Perfectly serviceable man’s name (also used with some success by famous people such as May, Johnson and Cant) employed by Jonny as an all-purpose insult, term of endearment and synonym for pain in the arse. Not quite sure why.

Bristol – South Western English city famed for its sturdy Brunelian splendour and giving the world bands such as Massive Attack and Portishead. Also famed, at least in Smith and Sniff world, for being trapped in the 1990s and full of people wearing combat trousers, Global Hypercolor T-shirts and Rockport boots. It really is like that, mind you.

Brut – Great smelling and deeply manly after shave popular in the 1970s and enjoyed more recently by Jonny with only a tiny amount of irony. He badgered Richard into buying some in a supermarket near Chichester before the Goodwood Festival of Speed in 2021 and it’s somehow become the unofficial smell of Smith and Sniff. Although Jonny has messaged Fabergé, the makers of Brut, several times about a lucrative tie-up and they haven’t got back to him. Their loss.

Bum tricks - Baffling boast written on a card found by Jonny in a London phonebox during the late '90s and brought up in front of Greg James out of the radio during the very boozy and giggly episode 206. Almost certainly nothing to do with Dynamo hiding a Vauxhall alternator up his balloon knot.

Buznuzz Untrusts – A South African, or possibly New Zealish, man who is friends with Wendens Ambo (q.v.) and who also does not like to discuss just how he became so damn wealthy in the ‘80s. As discussed in the Smith and Sniff video ‘Wendens Ambo’.

Carol, Auntie – Richard’s beloved godmother and a surprise listener to Smith and Sniff, hence his feeble efforts not to swear in episode 122.

Carpaccio of leather – Description given to the improbably thin jacket permanently worn by TV’s Tiff Needell, even if the prevailing weather conditions would normally dictate something thicker. The carpaccio of leather jacket must be sported at all times and only actual Arctic conditions might force the deployment of the Emergency Faded Skoda Rally Jacket (q.v.).

Deceased spec – A second hand car which is quite obviously being sold by the estate of a recently departed elderly person. A classic deceased spec car would be a small and gently powered hatchback, quite likely with an automatic transmission, and boasting a miniscule mileage for its age. The bodywork will be either immaculate, because for much of its life the owner carefully washed it every Sunday, or lightly scuffed, because later in its life the owner probably shouldn’t have been driving on account of being quite myopic.

Deep V – Troubling style of man’s upper garment, as famously displayed by Michael Douglas during that nightclub scene in Basic Instinct, in which the neckline descends much too far towards the navel.

Driving moccasins – Low-slung type of shoe, ideal for the committed tillersmith who favours a palming (q.v.) style of driving.

DSG tromboning – The distinctive upchange sound made by the exhaust of a sporty car fitted with a double clutch gearbox when driven in a needlessly aggressive manner by someone who is almost certainly an flute (q.v.).

Emergency Faded Skoda Rally Jacket – Enormous, ancient and sun-damaged promotional anorak which TV’s Tiff Needell keeps in the boot of his car for conditions (e.g. a full sub-zero Arctic storm ) when even he is forced to admit that his usual carpaccio of leather (q.v.) jacket might not be warm enough.

Find another! – Needlessly aggressive pay off often found in ads for any reasonably unusual car, as if taunting the disinterested reader to go out and find an equivalent Sao Penza for sale like they actually give a toss.

Fistful of Seed – Jonny’s (rather smutty) alternative name for the Festival of Speed. Maybe he imagines it’s been overrun by pervy static engine enthusiasts.

Fizzy yoghurt – Inexplicable entry on Richard’s list of things he wants to remember to talk to Jonny about on the podcast. He has no recollection of writing it, nor of what might have prompted it, but it’s there on the list and he refuses to delete it until he’s worked out why it’s there, even though this has so far proved impossible.

Flèche d'or – Name of a remarkable Bucciali TAV 8-32 car which Jonny and Richard spotted at the 2022 Goodwood Festival of Speed and got the giggles about in episode 114 because its name sounds like ‘flesh door’. (Yes, yes, we know; it means ‘golden arrow’ in French, don’t write in).

Flesh wand – See meat oboe

Flute – Reedless woodwind instrument. Also, an insult much used by Jonny in which context it doesn’t mean ‘reedless woodwind instrument’, obviously. It means penis.

“FOOK! FOOKIN’ ‘ELL!” - See ‘Mancunian guitarist’.

Ford – International vehicle-making giant, pronounced as ‘Fowwwaaaaaahdddd-uh’ on Smith and Sniff because the company’s UK arm is based in Essex where the local accent has a unique talent for adding extra syllables to words accompanied by vein bulging neck movements. See also; sport, Transit

Fucking leafy – Way to described a tree-lined area which is so pleasant that ‘leafy’ alone might undersell it. Unless you were talking to someone’s grandmother, then maybe go easy on the swears.

Goodwood – Venue for internationally renowned car events such as the Festival of Speed and the Members’ Meeting sometimes referred to as ‘Glorious Goodwood’, or as ‘Gouty Goodwood’ by Smith and Sniff on account of these events attracting ruddy-faced, stridently trousered men of a certain age whose eager consumption of red wine and cheese may have caused one of their feet to go poorly.

Guys, hey, guys, look, guys – Supercilious way of drawing attention to a change of subject, much used by Jonny and Richard. Origin unknown, although it might be inspired by impressions of Tony Blair and/or a bit of Quentin Willson, and possibly tipping a nod to many social media stars and their love of the word ‘guys’.

Helmsman – A steely-eyed driving enthusiast. See also; tillerman

Helmsman’s Mayonnaise – Substance that occurs when a flinty-eyed tillerwright has pushed a car so hard that the head gasket has failed, as mentioned in episode 51 of the podcast.

“Hold me guitar please” – See ‘Mancunian guitarist’.

Jar, John-Michael – French synthesizer musician, sometimes referred to as Jean-Michel Jarre by people who aren’t Jonny.

John Peel – British radio DJ (1939-2004) famed for a love of super obscure bands. To play the John Peel band name game you have to identify odd phrases in every day life that sound like bands Peel would have played on his late night show. Richard first encountered this game on holiday with some mates years ago, starting with the phrase “Alpha male barbecue experience” but he probably didn’t invent it.

Last Dance, The – Excellent Netflix documentary covering the 1990s glory times of the Chicago Bulls and often depicting the team’s star players wearing comically baggy suits made of so much billowy material that they must have been constructed by dismantling a linen circus tent.

London to Brian – Vintage car rally invented by Jonny in episode 85. Like the London to Brighton run, except the finishing point is a famous person called Brian rather than a Sussex coastal resort. On the plus side, potential for a more interesting route and the end point could change every year. Downside, the Brian might have gone somewhere else by the time you got there.

Mancunian guitarist – Star of a YouTube clip in which he attempts to shoot a home-made video of himself performing a song only to suffer a chair malfunction and go down like a stricken trawler leading to a cavalcade of Manc swearing. Official Smith and Sniff favourite YouTube video ever. Search ‘guitarist falls off chair’ if you’ve not seen it. Although how you haven’t seen is a miracle since Jonny and Richard mention it practically every week.

Marillion – British band formed in 1979 and best-known for their 1985 single Kayleigh. Marillion were mentioned briefly in episode 99 of the podcast because Jonny had been watching an old video of them performing on Top of the Pops in bad clothes and casually wondered what the band members drove in their eighties heyday. This prompted a surprising amount of reader feedback to the extent that there became far too much Marillion in the podcast and Richard was forced to declare a Marillion amnesty.

McDonald, Michael – Legendary American singer and former member of the Doobie Brothers. According to Smith and Sniff (episode 106) McDonald owns a Lexus SC430 with a corded microphone built into the centre armrest and drives it while wearing a pair of cheap, foldable petrol station Aviator-style sunglasses which don’t sit right on his face because he’s always accidentally sitting on them, a recurring incident which has forced him to spend much of his songwriting fortune on an elaborate jig which he uses to align the arms as best he can. n.b. There is no evidence that any of this is true.

Meat oboe – See pink bassoon

Metcalfe, Harry – Farmer turned magazine proprietor turned YouTube star and the absolute don of buying interesting cars and then talking about them on video. Jonny and Richard have the utmost respect for Harry and demonstrate this by suggesting that his eponymous garage should be an actual petrol station in which he’s forced to sell biscuits to stoners at 1am (episode 43), that he should DJ a selection of late nineties dance records with skippety rhythms under the title Harry’s UK Garage (also episode 43) or that he should start giving predictions about car values while dressed like a wizened old crone from a fairground and call himself Mystic Metcalfe (episode 115). Also, back when Smith and Sniff made YouTube videos, they spent a long time discussing the festival Harry should put on at his farm, during which they suggested he should drop some acid and wander about completely naked except for a pair of Crocs. We love you Harry.

Mitsubishi Jet Towel – Type of hand drier noticed by Jonny and brought up on the podcast (episode 104) after which listeners started sending in pictures of Jet Towels too, to the extent that every week Smith and Sniff now receives many photographs of hand driers around the world. Turns out the Jet Towel is quite commonplace.

Morgan, Captain – Popular brand of spiced rum, an entire bottle of which was drunk by a mate of Jonny’s while in a nightclub causing him to tear his white linen trousers doing the splits on the dancefloor before staggering round the club ‘windmilling’ his exposed underparts then rushing to the bathroom with bad guts and being forced to use the ruined trousers in lieu of toilet paper. Probably not the brand image the makers of Captain Morgan were going for. This entire adventure was recounted in the old Smith and Sniff video ‘Accidentally going to a Knight Rider convention’ and reprised in audio form in the ‘best of’ podcast, episode 89.

Need For Paed – Jonny’s way of describing the unsavoury associations of the Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow, as heard in episode 120.

Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds – Band formed in 2010 by ex-Oasis person Noel Gallagher using a name Jonny and Richard find impossible to take seriously for some reason. Hence Noel Gallagher’s High Sided Vehicles, Noel Gallagher’s High Lift Cams, Noel Gallagher’s High Idling Fiesta, Noel Gallagher’s High Mileage Astras etc etc etc

No-name full suspension mountain bike guy – The lank-haired, Mackenzie Crook-faced man of unspecified employment that can be seen in any British town, usually pedalling about on a completely unbranded mountain bike with an unoiled chain and a bag of cans hanging from the bars, often smoking a hand rolled cigarette and wearing army surplus trousers. Does he sell drugs? Does he earn money mowing municipal lawns and cricket pitches? Does he live on a barge? Maybe, but we don’t know for sure because no-name full suspension mountain bike guy is a very local man of mystery.

Nottingham, Basically in – Bizarre expression used by legendary Top Gear presenter William Woollard during a deceptively nonsensical closing piece to camera from 1983. That full piece is as follows; “Well that’s another show done over, as it were. Next week we’re heavily into second hand cars, basically in Nottingham. Lots and lots of good advice for you to pick up if you want to. Until then, see you then, drive safely, goodnight.”

Ock-shun – How Jonny’s dad pronounces the word ‘auction’ and hence how that word is often said on Smith and Sniff.

“Okay, here’s a song…” - See ‘Mancunian guitarist’.

Old money car – An ageing car, often an estate, in a modest spec and sober colour, owned by someone who inherited all their furniture and whose family own vast tracts of Norfolk.

On that side of things – Verbal tic used constantly by an auto electrician of Jonny’s acquaintance, first mentioned in episode 50 of the podcast. Now such a part of the Smith and Sniff lexicon it’s on mugs and T-shirts and listeners use OTSOT (q.v.) as a codeword to get free stickers if they see Jonny and Richard in real life.

OTSOT – See ‘on that side of things’.

Paedo plates – Name given by Jonny and Richard to those 3D and ‘4D’ number plates because they’re much favoured by the flute (q.v.) community and should be considered socially unacceptable.

Peacocking – The act of showing off in a car. e.g. By driving round and round a town centre doing lots of DSG tromboning (q.v.) as if anyone except a grunting simpleton would be impressed by that. Derived from the behaviour of the male peafowl which likes to strut about on a lawn with its massive tail in the air like an arrogant feathery wazzock.

Palming – Car driving technique in which the steering is turned with just one hand using only the palm in contact with the wheel rim as if washing a window. An excellent and appropriate steering method in certain cars (e.g. old Jag XJ, Lexus LS400) though probably less effective and/or possible in others (e.g. De Tomaso Pantera, Brabham BT52). Not to be confused with Jonathan Palmer (see ‘flute’).

Party Boy – Old friend of Jonny’s from the West Country famed for his youthful antics and, more recently, being a Zafira-obsessed minicabber who once scraped off the side of his wife’s Astra after some confusing directions led him to believe a narrow Cornish alley was actually a road (as detailed in episode 72).

Pink bassoon – See flesh wand

Piss vista – Pleasant rural view enjoyed while having an outdoor wee, typically after pulling into a quiet spot during a long solo car journey. Jonny is Britain’s leading piss vista enthusiast and would like to compile a whole book of them though, strangely, the book publishers of Britain are yet to share his keenness for the idea.

Popmaster – Daily music quiz, formerly on BBC Radio 2 and now on Greatest Hits Radio, hosted by avuncular Scotsman Ken Bruce. The reason you can’t ring Jonny between about 10:30 and 10:50 on a weekday morning. Well, you can, but he won’t answer because he’s listening to Popmaster. Responsible for the phrase, “Ohhh, one year out”. See also; shotmaster.

Prelude 2.2 – Medium-sized Honda coupe, as owned by the cousin of Jonny’s old housemate, Harpal, and believed (by Harpal) to have VTEC-enhanced performance capabilities in excess of any other machine on the road. Mind you, Harpal also used to get so mashed up on illicit substances that he would have to use his mobile to ring the landline phone while he was in the same house so he could ask someone to bring a ‘sweet glass of water’ up to his bedroom.

Pull the trigger – Massively twattish way to indicate that you decided to go ahead with something such as ordering a car, booking a holiday or buying some crisps. Often used by people on the Pistonheads forum for some reason.

Rare but nobody cares – Any car of which there are few left, but nobody gives a flying rat’s twat about this fact.

Red meat ghosting – Pungent flatulence sneakily released by someone with a very protein-heavy old school diet, ideally at an autojumble.

Runner’s sunglasses – Wrap-around shades, often with weird coloured lenses, favoured by people who are extremely keen on running about. The key feature of the runner’s sunglasses, aside from making the world look orange or purple for no apparent reason, is that they suit literally nobody.

Sade – Nigerian-born British singer famed for elegant and sophisticated hits such as Smooth Operator. Her name came up in episode 56 of Smith and Sniff thanks to a listener who bought a second-hand Ford Escort containing two copies of her Diamond Life album. From this Jonny and Richard wondered what she might drive which triggered an unexpectedly enthusiastic and informed response from listeners. Mercs in eighties and a Mazda RX-8 more recently, as it turns out.

‘She’ll do this all day!’ – Proud boast offered forth by enthusiasts of the static engine (q.v.) perhaps failing to add that the ‘this’ in question is ‘my wife, with a huge dildonic attachment’, the mucky buggers.

Shotmaster – Mythical daily radio contest, derived from the very real Popmaster (q.v.) quiz in which contestants must take on host Ken Bruce by downing a series of strong alcoholic drinks with no regard for the time of day which, troublingly, is about half ten in the morning.

Skiffle – Fidgety genre of folk-rock music popular in Britain in the 1950s. Also the name Jonny and Richard gave to the 23rd Bond film (episode 77) because they got a bit giggly at the No Time To Die premiere and imagined Daniel Craig making annoying rhythms on a washboard.

Slot mags – Design of alloy wheel very popular in the 1970s because they look good (i.e. slightly sleazy) on most cars. Probably not a Bugatti Type 35, but most cars apart from that.

Smearing – Aggressive clutch slippage.

Sport – Word often misapplied to cars that aren’t very sporty and pronounced in a grotesquely exaggerated manner by Smith and Sniff, inspired by the way someone from Essex might say it while talking about their Range Rover Sport. Hard to agree on a spelling for this. It’s something like SPOWWWAAAHHHHTAAAAAGH-UH but, as with share values and currencies, it changes on a daily basis. See also; Ford, Transit.

Static engine – Immobile power unit typically used as a power generator, pump or (according to Jonny in episode 100) to run some sort of internal combustion-reliant sex toy because all static engine enthusiasts are grubby-handed perverts. See also, ‘She’ll do this all day!’.

Stellantis – Americo-European vehicle-making giant with a name that sounds like a Dutch dance music collective, hence why Jonny and Richard impersonate a thudding four-on-the-floor beat whenever the company is mentioned.

Stroker – Slang for an engine on which the capacity has been expanded by increasing the travel of the pistons. Also, an insult much favoured by Jonny, derived from what the person is perceived to do to their genitals rather than, say, the engine of their motorcycle.

Sugar, Sir Alan – Bollock-faced business grump and star of The Apprentice UK. Also famed for selling Amstrad computers in the eighties, talking in weirdly mangled sentences in the present day, and unleashing rubbish pre-planned one-liners on the crap clammy twats he has as contestants on his show, lines which Richard believes are written by one of his knackered old 386 PCs running special software called AmsGags. (Actually, isn’t he called Lord Bollockface now?)

Sweet, sweet [thing] – Way of referring to something nice, often a car, inspired by the argot of TV’s Quentin Willson.

Tillerman – See ‘helmsman’.

Track work – Somewhat bellendic way to describe taking your car to a circuit, especially if you fancy yourself as something of a tillerman (q.v.). e.g. “These new brake pads will come into their own during track work”, etc.

Transit – Medium-to-large van made by the Ford Motor Company and pronounced as ‘Twaaaaaaaaahhhnzitttt-ah’ in Smith and Sniff world because Ford UK is based on Essex and that’s how they’d say it there (in Jonny and Richard’s minds). The Ford Transit Sport would be full house in Essex geezer bingo and attempting to say its name correctly could result in a neck injury.

Travolta, John – American actor famed for roles in Grease, Saturday Night Fever and Pulp Fiction. Also, according to Smith and Sniff, the owner of a badly restomodded face (episode 80) and a man whose insatiable appetite for sea food prompts him to fly to the UK where he spends his days engaged in deranged shellfish binges and sliding through the waters off Norfolk with his mouth open sifting for krill (episode 105).

Twat – Insult. Used occasionally on Smith and Sniff, which is unfortunate because Jonny’s mum listens to the podcast but doesn’t know what it means and keeps asking Jonny’s dad who steadfastly refuses to explain.

Vigilante detailing – First floated in podcast episode 51, the idea of sneaking out in the middle of the night armed with a bag of high quality car cleaning products in order to spruce up sad and neglected cars in your neighbourhood. Might be illegal, though technically you’d adding value to someone’s car so it’s almost the opposite of theft. A grey area. Like the bumpers on a pre-vigilante detailed mk1 Ka.

Village – 1. Gathering of buildings smaller than a town. 2. Something or someone that is crap. e.g. “Don’t buy a Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV, it’s completely village”. Possibly derived from cricket where village cricket is generally to a standard quite a lot lower than that played by, say, the national team of Australia.

Wendens Ambo – Village in Essex encountered by Jonny and Richard while reviewing the Jaguar I-Pace for one of their YouTube videos which, they decided, had a name that sounded like a very wealthy white South African gentleman of a certain age who lives in a quiet part of the English countryside because there maybe things relating to what he got up to in the 1980s that require him to keep his very comfortably off head down. A friend of Buznuzz Untrusts (q.v.)

Woollarding – The act of placing one foot on a car bumper or wheel in the style of ex-Top Gear presenter William Woollard. A stern test of trouser crotch integrity.

JONNY'S SOLO YOUTUBE CHANNELS

103 - Jonny Has A Poo. Each week he defecates in a different reasonably-priced hotel and talks to the camera while he does it.

104 - Punching Fish in which Jonny travels the world to lakes, rivers and seas attempting to absolutely smote a mackerel with his bare hands

105 - This Is Awkward in which Jonny travels the world spending the day with people whose names he can’t remember (plus Richard’s new book, How To Have A Bad Back which is about how he went to a children’s activity place with his kids and put his back out).

106 - The Small Owl Show in which Jonny meets people who collect porcelain ornaments of owls and then tries to steal one or smash it without them noticing.

107 - The Late Plate Show in which Jonny looks at cars registered right towards the end of their production run. In his most recent video it’s a V-reg Rover 600.

108 - The Late Bake Show in which Jonny realises he’s got guests coming round and decides to make a cake. it doesn’t come out well.

109 - The Rate Lakes Show in which Jonny travels the world giving large bodies of water a mark out of ten. This week it’s Lake Louise in Canada.

110 - The Bake Hake Show in which Jonny finds a number of ways to oven cook mild white fish. This week it’s with garlic and capers. Delicious.

111 - The Break Plates Show in which Jonny goes around smashing crockery. This week he’s at a Greek wedding.

112 - The Late Drake Show in which Jonny must pick up award-winning rap artist Drake from Luton airport and get him to his concert on time but his private jet has been significantly delayed due to a mysterious on-board catering issue and he misses the gig. (Thanks to Kieran Bicknell for this one)

113 - The Wake Waite Show, in which Jonny acts as a personal alarm clock for famed Middle Easterm hostage Terry Waite, rousing him from his slumbers ever so gently so as to avoid any clanging radiator PTSD mishaps. (Thanks to Mike Follows)

114 - The Baked Quake show in which Jonny plays ‘90s video games while extremely high on marijuana.

115 - The Mate’s Rates Show in which Jonny befriends a series of tradespeople in the hope of securing cash-in-hand discounts on home renovations. (Thanks to Ash R)

116 - The Fake Snakes Show in which Jonny visits the homes of celebrities and attempts to hide a rubber adder under their stuff.

117 - The Take Slates Show in which Jonny travels the country in the dead of night stealing tiles off roofs. This week he’s on top of a church in Litchfield.

118 - The Flaked Skate Show in which Jonny gently oven cooks a flat fish and then carefully breaks it apart with a fork.

119 - The My Mate Rach Show in which Jonny travels the world meeting people who have a friend or acquaintance called Rachel.

120 - The Make Bait Show in which Jonny is forced to mix up various substances in a desperate attempt to attract fish. This week molasses, breadcrumbs and peas.

121 - The Fellate Sheik Show in which Jonny orally pleasures Middle Eastern potentates. This week it’s Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani, the Emir of Qatar (thanks to Michael Scott for this suggestion).

122 - The Inflate Gates Show in which Jonny pursues the 2002 Pop Idol runner up with a petrol station tyre machine, attempting to pump him full of air. This week, he’s ambushing Gareth at Hilton Park services as he returns from a gig in Preston.

123 - The Freight Mistake Show in which Jonny accidentally sends consignments of goods by rail to the wrong places. This week, 90,000 tea cups to Stockholm.

124 - The Slate Spake Show in which Jonny slags off the jolly bloke from that Airport show out of the ‘90s. This week, he’s following him round shouting “Jeremy, you’ve got a shit beard”.

125 - The Make Fake Cake with Drake, Blake and Jake Show in which Jonny, the titular Canadian recording artist, Ryan Reynolds’s wife and the former host of the BBC’s F1 coverage confect a series of pretend patisserie items in order to play pranks on other celebrities. This week, they’re trying to trick Lewis Capaldi with a plastic gateau.

126 - The Slake 808 State Show in which Jonny pursues the Mancunian electronic music pioneers offering refreshing beverages in hot environments. This week he’s following them around Barcelona with a tray of lemon Fanta.

127 - The Papal Rake show in which Jonny investigates the relative reclining positions of pontiffs through history. This week, Pope Gregory the 16th. He’s about 35.6 degrees.

128 - The Crêpe Mistake Show in which Jonny makes ill-advised choices around the filling of light pancakes. This week, he’s in Bruges wheres he’s asked for Nutella and salmon.

129 - Regulate featuring Nate… Dogg show in which Jonny recites words from Warren G’s 1994 hit in a range of locations. This week he’s doing the bit about shooting people while walking through Preston.

130 - The Irate Primate Show in which Jonny takes the Archbishop of Canterbury on a road trip around the UK’s zoos, looking for Britain’s Angriest Monkey. Unfortunately the weather is rather warm, and Jonny’s refusal to switch on the air conditioning soon means it’s not just the apes getting aggravated. (Thanks to Ben Backhouse for this one)

131 - The Scrape Plates Show in which Jonny carefully manoeuvres leftover food into a recycling bin with a knife. This week, small bits of vegetarian moussaka.

132 - The Hate Grapes Show in which Jonny meets people with a powerful aversion to vine-grown fruits. This week he’s talking to a bloke called Sam from Corby who says pictures of Roman orgies make him feel queasy.

133 - A show in which Jonny prepares a full surf and turf menu from a rudimentary travelling kitchen on the shores of a large inland body of water in the company of the Duchess of Cambridge. It’s called The Make Steak and Baked Hake By A Lake With Kate Show.

134 - The Staple Drakes To Stakes Show in which he uses metal paper fixatives to attach male ducks to wooden poles.

135 - The Opaque Steak Show in which Jonny repeatedly tries to use meat products as windows only to realise with disappointment that they are completely un-transparent. This week, he’s repairing the stained glass on a rectory in Kettering using a lorry load of expired sirloin.

136 - The Taste Crêpe Show, in which Jonny must tour Britain sampling the entire menus at independent crêpeires. This week, Le Maison du Deliciousness in Bude. (thanks to Alex McClenaghan for suggesting this one)

137 - The Reintegrate Snake Show where Jonny attempts to get the now- unemployed protagonist from the Metal Gear Solid games back into a more normal job in society. This week he’s trying to get him through his probation period at a double glazing sales company, as he’s still taking rejection of his quotations very badly. (Thanks to Ant Brown for this one)

138 - Jonny has a solo YouTube channel in which he ambushes his friends, grabs them by the legs and attempts to use them to gather up leaves. It’s called Mistake Mates for Rakes Show.

139 - The Corrugate Flakes Show in which Jonny attempts to ripple an already heavily textured chocolate bar for no readily apparent reason.

140 - The I Have A Load of Shit Show in which he goes round a room of strangers trying to give them random magazines, wheel trims and a Matchbox car.

141 - The Appropriate Crakes Show in which Jonny steals ground-living birds without permission.

142 - The Locate Tapes Show in which Jonny rummages in someone’s garage looking for three D90s containing the first four albums by The Police. One of them has got half of No Jacket Required on side two for some reason.

143 - Richard has forgotten to think of anything and is too hungover to do anything about it so no fake show this week.

144 - It’s called the Integrate Strakes Show in which Jonny attempts to smoothly add 1980s styling features to modern cars for no reason whatsoever. This week, he’s using eight balsa planks and a bucket of Isopon to make a Kia Stonic look like a Ferrari 348.

145 - The Interrogate Drake’s Mates Show in which Jonny hunts down friends of the Canadian musician, ties them to a chair and demands to know his whereabouts.

146 - Jonny has a solo YouTube channel in which he forces a popular rock band to travel to a village north east of Bristol using only frozen bodies of water. It’s the Make Whitesnake Skate To Yate Show. This week they’re setting off from Leominster and the canals are thawing fast.

147 - Jonny has a solo YouTube channel in which he contacts police investigating major crimes and attempts to plant evidence framing presenters from a popular TV food contest. It’s called the Implicate Bake… Off Show. This week he’s trying to pin the 1996 Manchester City centre bombing on Noel Fielding.

148 - Excoriate Snakes Show in which Jonny tracks down legless reptiles and mercilessly calls them out for their various failings. This week he tears a strip off some vipers for being far too poisonous.

149 - Extricate Drapes Show in which Jonny travels around the United States freeing curtains from things that have entangled them. This week he’s in Boise, Idaho getting some floor length velvet out of an umbrella stand.

150 - The Delegate Frakes Show in which Jonny gets the man who played Commander Riker in Star Trek: The Next Generation to do various car caves, tests and interviews because he can't be arsed this week. This week Jonathan is checking out a lock-up in Rotherham containing a Honda Ballade with frilly arches because Jonny’s got something else on. (Thanks to Michael Howard for this one)

151 - The Exfoliate Grapes Show in which Jonny needlessly rubs down soft fruit with expensive skin conditioners. This week he’s smearing Yves Saint Laurent Top Secrets Natural Action on some red seedless.

152 - The Underestimate Bates Show in which Jonny challenges a former Radio 1 DJ to a task, firmly believing he’ll be unable to complete it, only to find that he can. This week Simon finishes the refurbishment of a village hall near Keswick with two days to spare even though Jonny spent the whole time telling him he’d bitten off more than he could chew.

153 - The Delaminate Rakes Show in which Jonny needlessly strips the handles of garden equipment into thin strips.

154 - The Commemorate Lake Show in which Jonny presents needless tributes to the host of a ‘90s American talk show. This week he’s pointlessly cheerleading Ricki’s focus on skin problems.

155 - The Slate A Fete in which Jonny goes to outdoor village events and rudely criticises them. This week he’s in Wroxham calling their spring fair total shit.

156 - The Irate at Straits Show in which Jonny becomes irrationally furious with narrow but navigable waterways between two larger bodies of water. This week he’s in Gibraltar, at the gateway between the Mediterranean and Atlantic, shouting “What the fuck you narrow bastard, this is pathetic, I can practically see the other side”.

157 - The Locate Paste Show in which Jonny has just 30 seconds to find a tube of Colgate in an unfamiliar supermarket. This week he’s in a Sainsbury’s near Reading shouting “Hurry! My breath stinks!” at a hapless shelf stacker.

158 - The Incubate Corncrakes Show in which Jonny tries to help endangered migratory birds by keeping their eggs warm. This week he’s in the Outer Hebridges squatting over a nest again.

159 - The Incinerate Cheesecake Show in which Jonny needlessly throws sweet desserts onto intense fires for his own amusement. This week, he’s chucking lovely raspberry one from Tesco into a blast furnace on Teeside.

160 - Jonny has a solo YouTube channel in which he attempts to cause the imprisonment of a popular ginger haired female comedian for crimes relating to age-incorrect VINs on restored classic cars. That’s right, it’s the Incarcerate Catherine Tate for Chassis Plate Backdates Show.

161 - The Overstate Plates Show in which Jonny needless exaggerates the dimensions of crockery for no reason whatsoever. This week he’s in Preston randomly telling strangers that he has a dinner plate the size of a football pitch.

162 - The Constipate Apes Show in which Jonny hangs out with communities of large primates attempting to disrupt their poo routines. This week he’s with some bonobos, feeding them a lot of egg.

163 - Jonny has a solo YouTube channel in which he burns male ducks on portable cooking devices belonging to Amy Winehouse’s ex-husband as the former kit man from Ted Lasso oven cooks food, gathers up leaves and enjoys a Channel 4 reality show. That’s right, it’s the Incinerate drakes on Blake’s hot plates while Nate just bakes, rakes and watches First Dates show.

164 - Jonny has a solo YouTube channel In which he uses legless reptiles to get people to leave post-funeral gatherings. That’s right, it’s the insinuate snakes to dissipate wakes show.

165 - The Elasticate Vapes Show in which Jonny attaches smoking replacement devices to bungee cords in order to prank thick-necked men in E46 coupes.

166 - The Infiltrate an 808 Show in which Jonny adds tinkly '80s drum machine sounds to existing songs for no reason. This week he's at an Adele gig spoiling the quiet bits with loads of hand claps

167 - Suffocate Your Grace show in which Jonny attempts to slip a plastic bag over the head of the Archbishop of Canterbury. This week, he’s is lurking around Lambeth Palace with a tatty Tesco bag for life that was recently used to carry some wellies.

168 - The Flaky Snakes show in which Jonny talks to legless reptiles that have skin conditions. This week, having a chat to an adder with eczema.

169 - Jonny has a solo YouTube channel in which he likes to place hard bags of unwanted materials onto delicate cloth surfaces in the company of the actor Dirk Benedict, the police dog out of Paw Patrol, and a Swedish band that had a number one with All That She Wants in the ‘90s. That’s right, it’s the Place A Case of Waste On Lace with Face, Chase and Ace of Base Show. This week they’re in Doncaster trying to put a Samsonite full of dog shit onto some antimacassars while Ulf the keyboard player says, quick, security is coming.

170 - The Awake With Toothache Show in which Jonny goes about his normal on-camera duties but having been up all night with agonising mouth pain. This week, he’s in Doncaster looking slightly distracted because he believes he’s cracked a molar while driving a new Chinese EV called the Wow Wow Smooth Mouse.

171 - The Stinky Flask Show in which Jonny’s drinking coffee from a vessel that once contained petrol (a back ref to something talked about in the episode)

172 - The Urinate In Mace Show in which he tours the country looking for branches of an obscure convenience store chain that have lavatories for public use. This week he’s in Wolverhampton where he’s downed a two litre bottle of orange juice and then discovered the bogs are for staff only.

173 - The Castrate Drakes Show in which he attempts to neuter male ducks despite having no veterinary training whatsoever. This week, he’s by a canal in Preston shouting, Come back you quacking bastards, I want your bollocks.

174 - The Irritate Statham Show, in which Jonny follows round a slapheaded hardman trying to get on his nerves. This week he’s sitting opposite him in a restaurant flicking peanuts at his head while loudly talking about how attractive Kelly Brook still is.

175 - The Investigate Flakes Show in which he scuffs around used car interiors trying to identify small, thin pieces of white stuff. This week, in the the back seat of an ex-minicab Laguna in Preston saying is this old crisps or skin?

176 - The Hate Shapes Show in which he picks an outline and then slags it off. This week, Jonny’s in a primary school near Preston calling isosceles triangles shit.

177 - The Bacon Lakes Show in which he makes scale facsimiles of large bodies of water out of thinly sliced pork products. This week Coniston Water out of M&S dry cured smoked rashers.

178 - The Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait, Wait Show in which Jonny gets out of a taxi and bids it goodbye before realising he’s left something important inside. This week he’s in Preston waving goodbye to a Toyota Auris minicab before remembering that he’s left a rucksack and some casual shoes in the boot.

179 - No alternative show title this week because Jonny and Richard were busy talking to Andrew Frankel in a bar.

180 - The Fake Mates With Jake Show in which Jonny attempts to impress people by claiming to be friends with the presenter of the High Performance podcast even though he isn’t.

181 - The Flaky Pate Show in which he tours the country looking for balding old men with very dry scalps.

182 - The Mistaken Jason Show in which Jonny tours the country erroneously believing he’s just seen the star of Sharknado and shouting his name loudly from a distance only to realise its not him. This week he’s in Preston shouting “Oi Statham!” across Asda before realising its just a generic muscular bald man.

183 - The Denigrate Capes Show in which Jonny aggressively slags off anyone who wears a curtain of fabric around their neck. This week he turns his rage on Superman who he describes as a greasy haired ballbag.

184 - The Late Brake Show because Richard hadn’t thought of a stupid alternative title this week.

185 - The State It’s Canapes Show in which Jonny proudly mispronounces the name for small nibbly foods in crowded situations. This week he’s at a funeral in Preston noisily arguing with the widow about what to call a tray of tiny flans.

186 - The Lathe Brakes Show (the mythical channel Jonny’s brother could start just to spite him).

187 - The Hale & Pace Show in which Jonny can’t be arsed reviewing cars this week and just puts on a VHS of an ‘80s sketch show with two middle aged men pretending to be bouncers.

188 - The Lacy Brace Show in which Jonny goes to modified car shows and puts delicate fabric between the strut towers. This week he’s at a fast Ford event sliding an antimacassar into the engine bay of a Fiesta ST.

189 - Jonny has a solo YouTube channel in which the vocalist from Dub Be Good To Me, a notorious 1980s car spy photographer, and the man who played James Bond in On Her Majesty's Secret Service get together to discuss how they like to lure animals into traps using only a sink made entirely of cooked pork products. That's right. It's the Layton, Lehmann and Lazenby bacon basin bait show.

191 - The Mislabelled Crates of Steak and Cake Show in which Jonny is forced to do deliveries around the country in a curtain-sided Vauxhall Movano but due to poor management of the warehouse, he has no idea whether he's delivering meat or sweet treats. This week, he's outside a vegetarian cafe in Preston while the owner shouts, ‘What the fuck, there's blood coming out of this!’ at him.

192 - The Save On Plates Show, in which Jonny dispenses helpful tips on reducing household crockery costs. This week, he shows you how to eat a Gregg’s vegetarian slice off an old copy of What Car?

193 - The Craven’s Gates Show in which Jonny takes an in-depth look at the access points onto land owned by the presenter of Countryfile. This week, he's crowbarring the padlock off the way into John's orchard while the man himself is away filming some links about llamas.

194 - The Weight of Kates Show, in which he travels the world attempting to capture the heaviness of famous Catherines. This week, he's outside a mansion in Los Angeles fumbling to set up an enormous set of scales while shouting, ‘Get out here, Beckinsale, I haven't got all day.’

196 - The Lake of Snowpake Show in which he roams the world looking for a large inland body of American Tippex.

197 - The Penetrate Cakes Show in which Jonny attempts to recreate that scene from American Pie, but with a series of gateaux.

198 - The Ejaculate Milkshake Show in which he consumes enormous quantities of flavoured dairy drink until it has a peculiar effect on his bodily functions.

200 - Jonny has a solo YouTube channel in which he runs a factory that makes crockery, garden tools, little bits of pointy wood and small cream-topped patisserie items, staffed by the original host of Our Tune on Radio 1, the runner-up from 2002 Pop Idol, Kevin Klein's ex-wife who was in Gremlins, and the man who played Commander Riker in Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's the Make Plates, Rakes, Stakes and Cupcakes with Simon Bates, Gareth Gates, Phoebe Cates and Jonathan Frakes Show.

Sorry, there's a bit of a gap here because for ages I forgot to keep a record of this nonsense at the time. Will go through old shows some time to find out what bobbins I was talking. Or if you can remember any specifics, let me know. Richard

309 - Jonny is going to re-make The Great British Bake Off only starring the former lead of Marillion under the working title, Fish Cakes.

311 - Jonny has a plan to chop the former lead singer of Marillion into tiny pieces and throw him into the Atlantic, keeping only his thumb so that he can say, "there’s plenty more Fish in the sea".

313 - There wasn't one in this episode.

315 - Jonny is engaged in a rewrite of a 1980s John Cleese film but replacing Jamie Lee Curtis  with the former lead singer of Marillion, under the working title A Fish called Wanda.

317 - Jonny is involved in a ridiculous hidden camera show in which he breaks into the former lead singer of Marillion’s house and replaces his method of boiling water with an alternative make and model to see if he notices, under the working title Different Kettle of Fish.

319 - Jonny is engaged in a strange project to force the former lead singer of Marillion to squeeze into a massively under-sized rubber suit that will make him resemble a legendary moustachioed British rally driver from the '70s and '80s under working title, Big Fish In A small Pond.

321 - Jonny is embarking on a weird project to put monetary value on the former lead singer of Marillion and then constantly refer back to it in conversation by cutting across people shouting, "What’s that got to do with the price of Fish?"

323 - Jonny is engaged in a remarkable project to make a new TV travel show in which the former lead singer of Marillion only visits warm, humid countries no more than 23.5 degrees north or south of the equator under the working title, Tropical Fish.

325 - Jonny has embarked on weird project to open a chippy staffed by cloning the former lead singer of Marillion in a range of heights, but when it comes to cooking only the tallest one will be allowed to work the equipment which is why the working title is Bigger Fish To Fry.

327 - Jonny is hoping to make a new crime fighting drama in which the former lead singer of Marillion and a double amputee racing driver go around solving murders under the working title, FishMonger.

329 - Nothing in this episode because we were drinking wine outside near Goodwood.

331 - Johnny is embarking on a new adventure together with HP Baxxter out of Scooter with the mission to find the booking price for the former lead singer of Marillion under the working title, "How much is the Fish?" (thanks to Martin Hansson for this one)

333 - Jonny is engaged in a bizarre project to visit music venues around the world and try to tell if early Marillion played there using only his nose under the working title, Does Something Smell Fishy In Here?

335 - Jonny is engaged in an unusual project to log the precise number of times the lead singer is in shot in early Marillion videos under the working title, Fish Counter.

337 - Jonny has various solo projects on the go. His latest one is that he's going to hire two lookalikes of the former lead singer of Marillion. One of them is 6'7", the other is only 5'2". He's then going to build a scale replica of a town in Wiltshire famous for its excellent railway tunnel, entirely out of the packaging that microwaves, washing machines and so on come in. And then he's going to take all of this to a '90s rave. He's doing this project under the working title, Big Fish, Little Fish, Cardboard Box.

339 - Jonny is planning to melt down jewellery to make life-size shiny statue of the former lead singer of Marillion nuder working title, Gold Fish.

341 - Jonny is planning to set up an academy to teach people to be the former lead singer of Marillion under the working title, School of Fish.

GUEST WAIVER LIST

Smith and Sniff doesn't have guests as a general rule but there are certain people for whom Jonny and Richard would make an exception. The current list includes...

Lewis Hamilton (racing driver)

Sade (smooth operator)

Bob Smith (Jonny's dad)

Elana Scherr (American car writer)

Chris Goffey (old school Top Gear chunky jumper legend)

Gordon Murray (lightness enthusiast)