'90s Sailor Moon Review (Part 1) Notes

Episode 1 (Sailor Moon):

• First off, trust I’ll be going over all the differences between the manga and the ‘90s anime. I have to.
• Also GOD I LOVE “Moonlight Densetsu.” SUCH A GOOD OPENING.
  • Also, I love all the weird imagery in the intro. It’s outlandish and weird, and is kinda strange compared to the actual show, but hey it’s cool as shit.
  • Nice silhouettes not revealing Mars and Mercury just yet. But then they show us Ami and Rei. Okay. Sigh.
    • Oh nevermind we do see Mars and Mercury. Fine.
• Also I’m watching the Viz dub for this. Just saying.
• BUNNY BLANKETS. It’s funny cuz Usagi’s name literally means “Rabbit of the Moon.”
  • EVEN HER LUNCH BOX HAS A RABBIT.
• “I don’t remember that!” Mhm.
• I love Usagi’s mom. So much.
• “Why does morning have to come so early?” Same, Usagi.
• Wow, so she doesn’t run out with toast in her mouth. I don’t know where that even came from.
  • People complained Usagi wasn’t running out with toast in her mouth when Sailor Moon Crystal first came out.
• A crescent shaped bald spot. K then.
  • OMINOUS STARE. And Usagi’s priorities.
• “It’s not my fault if the other kids get to school on time.” Me.
• LET THE GIRL EAT.
• Oh a 30… just looking at that hurts me deeply.
• Oh hi, Naru. Thank god you don’t have a weird Boston accent.
• And Umino. I do like that they tried to do more with his character in the ‘90s anime.
  • Also he’s voiced by Ben Diskin who voices Rokurou in Tales of Berseria so excuse me as I cry.
• “Only a 95.” Fuck you, Umino. I HATE PEOPLE LIKE THIS.
• Oooh Sailor V. Odd how if she’s active, she never ran into Sailor Moon.
  • Wait, Usagi didn’t even know her? I thought she was a huge fan of Sailor V? Oh wait, that’s the manga. Sigh.
• Girls obsessing over gemstones. Oh, this was most definitely written by men.
• Naru shamelessly plugging her family’s shop. I have to respect that.
• CUE THE DARK KINGDOM.
  • The throne is a creepy demon face… have to admit that is cool design.
• Who is this crowd? Like… who are all these people? Are these monsters of the day in robes? I’m so confused.
• I wish they kept Beryl obscured. What is she doing with this orb?
• JADEITE. TODD HABERKORN. ROWEN FROM XILLIA. HI ROWEN.
  • Actually they changed the role of Jadeite and the other Generals radically from the manga, even removing their backstories. I’ll get into that at some point down the line.
• I can’t even imagine trying to run a business like this before the internet. God, social media has made marketing so easy.
• So Jadeite’s plans I’m pretty sure actually use human flaws and weaknesses as their crux. I actually kinda like that.
  • But what the fuck is with this weird jazz music when Jadeite is speaking with Morga? Like… why?
• “Hi, Naru’s mom.” Same. I’m gonna say that a lot.
• That plump woman keeps appearing. It 
• 500,000 yen. Okay, not even accounting inflation since the ‘90s, let’s see what that’d be worth in U.S. dollars.
  • A little over $4500. Yeah no. Fuck that. And the discount was to $270. Geez, that is a discount.
• It’s so weird to me that they don’t account for the language barrier, with Usagi failing English yet speaking it so fluently. I know Viz wants to be faithful but it’s kinda… odd.
• Oh great. Mamoru and his purple pleated pants. Ugh, he’s such a dick in the ‘90s anime. I mean, yeah, it’s a cute trope when the people in love get off on the wrong foot, BUT THIS. SHIT. PERSISTS.
  • I actually like the tease “bun head.”
  • I still love Robbie Daymond as Mamoru.
  • Bless Viz for making fun of the ‘90s fashion.
• I’d imagine Sailor V is rolling in money from royalties. Otherwise, I worry for these companies rushing out games when she’s just appeared not even bothering to ask for her license. Sigh.
• Usagi’s stress. Poor child. She knows she’s in for hell.
• AH TALKING CAT.
• I love the eyecatchers.
• “I bumped into Umino earlier.” How? You’re a housewife.
  • You know what I’m not even going there.
• Can we just appreciate the fact they went all out in Ikuko’s rage?
• Oh great. Shingo. Every shitty younger brother ever.
• Sailor V kick! It wasn’t very effective.
• Welp bye Naru.
• Thank god Luna doesn’t have the voice of an old English nanny.
  • Wait, how did the bandage get on… oh, the kids. Okay then. Dick kids.
• “Good night.” Same, Usagi. Again.
• BEHOLD. MY POWER TO CREATE ABSTRACT ART BACKGROUNDS AND POOP ARTIFACTS OF GREAT POWER.
• Usagi is super onboard with this stuff til it actually happens. Wow.
• MOON PRISM POWER, MAKE UP.
  • For the record, I always figured the transformation was seen by the audience only, and that in-universe, it was just a quick flash of light and bam, they’d transformed. Hate that complaint.
  • So much better than those fucking horrifying CGI abominations they used in the first two seasons of Sailor Moon Crystal.
• I kinda like the hair pieces letting Sailor Moon tap into what’s going on, but in any version this is the only time it ever happens. Ugh. It seems such a waste.
• “Go help your friend?” Me? YES BITCH YOU.
  • But again same.
• Oh god Morga is horrifying. I love that they made her super horrifying though. This terrified me when I first saw it as a kid.
  • THAT FUCKING HEAD TURN OH GOD WHY.
• “I locked your mother up in the basement.” Wait, why not kill her? Actually maybe it was to slowly gather her energy too? I don’t know.
• Not sure how she got the name Sailor Moon. In the manga, she got the idea from both Sailor V, and from Luna meowing at the moon, followed by dramatic moonlight. Here… I don’t know.
• OH NO. THE FAT WOMAN. SHE LUNGED.
• Sailor Moon actually bleeding. Wow.
  • HOLY SHIT A BROKEN WINE BOTTLE. OH MY GOD.
• Yeah, Morga is way more terrifying.
• As weird as the backgrounds are, I love that they change color to fit the mood.
• TUXEDO MASK ROSE.
  • The rose actually was never a thing in the manga. It was completely invented for the ‘90s anime.
• I wish they had Sailor Moon crying before Tuxedo Mask showed up. Then Tuxedo Mask’s speech would’ve, you know, MATTERED.
• JUST THROW THE DAMN TIARA. Same, Luna.
• CUE SPARKLY STOCK FOOTAGE.
• Ew, evil dust. Oh thank god, it blinked out of existence.
• Uh… Tuxedo Mask, why… oh forget it. He’s useless in the ‘90s anime, that’s all you need to know.
• Usagi never gets sleep, does she.
• I actually thought this episode had really good pacing, and pretty good humor. Usagi acting extra childish works since it’s the very beginning of her journey. It’s just a few things like Tuxedo Mask’s uselessness, the effectiveness of crying, and Usagi not having already been a fan of Sailor V that really bother me.
  • Also, no Motoki it looks like. I assume we’ll see him in another episode.

Episode 2:

• These episode previews are so… why? Why do they exist? I don’t understand. All they do is spoil the episode.
• And cue episode intro… why? We already know…
  • For the record, blood types are super important in Japan. They actually have charts for personalities and relationships based on blood type. Why? I don’t fucking know.
• Oh hello random man giving fortunes in a back alley.
• Jadeite totally not suspicious in a purple cloak and hat.
• OH MY GOD WAS THAT LAILAH’S VOICE JUST THERE. IT WAS. IT WAS TOTALLY CARRIE KERANEN.
• Wow, this crowd sucks. Do they even search, or do they just stand there? Oh no they just vanished. I’m so confused, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
• I know, Beryl. You said this was your plan last episode.
• She… has a chicken alarm clock. Okay.
• Is she late again? Oh no, please don’t be a repeat of last episode.
  • YES LUNA. WAKE HER THE FUCK UP.
  • “I can’t breathe.” How is a cat able to do that?
• What is up with Umino? He’s blushing.
  • She has a thing for Usagi? Where was this… last episode? Is this why he showed up at her house? They haven’t mentioned it.
  • Knowing that Umino and Naru are a thing later on, I actually really ship them.
• Ask a fortune teller. Okay. Sounds like totally normal advice any teenager would give? WHAT?
  • EVERYONE CONVENIENTLY OBSESSED WITH FORTUNE TELLING AT THE EXACT RIGHT TIME. WOW.
• Oh god Umino’s laugh…
• You know, dude, you’re not gonna get much business if you’re set up in a creepy alley.
• Awe, Usagi is so sweet.
  • Imagine if he predicted her destiny as the Princess of the Silver Millennium? YO I WISH THEY DID THAT.
• MOTOKI. THERE YOU ARE.
  • I actually kinda like Usagi’s crush on Motoki. I don’t remember it being a thing in the manga.
• Oh great. Dickhead Mamoru.
  • HOW DO PEOPLE SHIP THEM IN THE ‘90S ANIME. UGH.
  • Also in one of the frames, his pants are green instead of purple. What?
• Wow. This woman totally isn’t evil.
  • I wish they used this after Rei was introduced, since she’s psychic. OOH, PSYCHIC FIGHT. I’D KILL FOR THAT.
• “Charming servant of the Devil.” What? You mean the “Great Ruler,” right? Cuz Metalia is not the Devil.
• KENJI. Usagi’s dad is so precious.
• Umino breaking all the rules.
  • EW GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY DAUGHTER.
  • Welp, he just threw Haruna’s skirt up. That’s… gross. Also, why did Haruna’s… actually, nevermind, I don’t want the answer.
  • Sexual Harassment: the Episode.
• I wish Usagi didn’t cry. I seriously wish she stood up for herself and roasted Umino and the other guys.
• Green is the color of evil. Truly.
• Okay so the monster designs haven’t become completely stupid yet. Thank god.
  • I actually really like the claw hair.
• OH GREAT. USELESS TUXEDO MASK WITH USELESS GENERIC ADVICE, JUST LEAVING AT RANDOM. OH MY FUCKING GOD.
• And setup for Umino apologizing and then him crushing our dreams. Great.
• And end on Usagi tripping… why? Oh forget it.
• I just realized that old guy never returned… what? What was his purpose? No confrontation with the evil fortune teller? Nothing on interpreting fate? NOTHING?

Episode 3:

• Yeah, as you can tell, we’ve entered filler territory. It’s going to be a while before we meet Sailor Mercury, so… buckle up, kiddos. It’s gonna hurt. (It already hurts)
• WHY ANOTHER RECAP INTRO? OH MY GOD.
• AND BERYL AND JADEITE SAYING THE SAME SHIT.
• Beryl is every evil game publisher rushing developers. That’s the real story.
• Frow? What kind of name… fuck it.
• WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THAT FUCKING ORB SHE GETS FONDLING?
  • That is super awful outta context but oh well.
• Is Jadeite doing… radio porn? WHAT? AND WHY IS EVERYONE INTO THIS AT THE SAME TIME? I’M SO CONFUSED.
• “Haruna the Dreamer.” Wow. Way to use your actual name, bitch. HOW ABOUT YOU USE A PEN NAME.
  • I do like them trying to characterize Haruna, at least, even if it is with… odd archetypes and stereotypes.
• Sleeping sickness where you never wake up? Oh you mean a coma? It’s called a coma.
• Evil flower. I swear this isn’t the Sailor Moon R movie.
• Luna falling for Motoki too? Are you… well, he did offer food, so… 
• OH MY GOD DICKHEAD MAMORU FUCK MY LIFE.
  • “Stupid mock turtleneck.”
• I wish this was a dream of the Silver Millennium. Whatever.
  • Gee. I wonder who Tuxedo Mask could be. Real mystery.
• The Disguise Pen! AT LAST.
  • Why is it only “Moon Power”? Why not “Moon Disguise Power”? Oh whatever.
  • She looks like a younger version of Hillary Clinton.
• “She might pull this off.” JINXED IT.
• Who the hell just let this random woman in? Is it because she looks like Hillary Clinton?
• YEAH, TELL ‘EM TO STOP DREAMING.
  • “Hey I was the one who said that!” Bitch, it’s called learning from the teacher.
• And none of the glass cuts Usagi. Wow. Such grace. Such poise. Such bullshit.
• Is she breathing explosions? Uh… okay then.
• Sailor Moon at last meets Jadeite.
• And the tiara is useless against Jadeite. At least there’s good power scaling, even with weird sound effects.
  • Wait. Why not throw the tiara back at her? Perfect opportunity for a rose throw.
• What exactly was Jadeite threatening to do? He was slightly menacingly strutting.
• Tuxedo Mask’s voice sounded kinda… evil. Jeez.
• OH MY GOD STILL SO MANY MORE EPISODES TIL MERCURY FUCK MY LIFE WHY IS THERE SO MUCH FILLER.
  • I know it’s so the manga isn’t left behind but I DON’T CARE.

Episode 4:

• OH MY GOD THESE FUCKING RECAP INTROS.
• Oh yes. The body negativity video. Joy.
  • USAGI YOU ARE SLIM AS A BOARD AND LOOK LIKE AN 18 YEAR-OLD GIRL.
• The girl fights evil. Is that not enough exercise?
• WOW, FUCK YOU, LUNA. WHAT THE FUCK? WHERE ARE YOUR PRIORITIES?
  • Everyone sucks this episode.
• Oh joy. Terrible topics like anorexia.
  • SURE. MAKE FUN OF THE SLIGHTLY PLUMP GIRL. SHE’S NOT EVEN FAT, SHE’S JUST A LITTLE CHUBBY.
  • Eating pineapples? What?
  • “The best diet is falling in love cuz then you want to look good.” Um… who wrote this episode?
• What is up with Umino? He looks extra gross.
  • Oh great. Pervert Umino. Wonderful.
• Oh god, ‘90s workout outfits. Horrifying.
• DO PEOPLE NEVER REALIZE THESE NEW BUSINESS ARE ALWAYS EVIL?
• “There’s no such thing as a free lunch, girls.” I know that’s meant to sound ominous, but I died of laughter.
• And the Sailor Moon tactics of barely disguising yourself to hide your identity has been learned by Jadeite. Great.
• Wow. Evil alien pods. Those totally aren’t evil and meant to kill you. Fucking morons.
• Motoki just has doctor utensils in the back of the arcade? Did he not call the authorities? What? Okay whatever.
• OH MY GOD FUCK OFF MAMORU. NO ONE LIKES YOU.
  • And why is he now in a tuxedo? Just… ugh.
• LUNA FUCK OFF.
  • And Luna is terrifying.
• Fuck this episode.

Episode 5:

• Lemme guess? Same recap intro?
  • YEP. FUCK MY LIFE.
• Oh Usagi having a nightmare? Premonition of the Silver Millennium?
  • NOPE. UGH.
• Who in the fuck is scared of a cat?
• OH MY GOD NOTHING IS HAPPENING IN THESE EPISODES.
• ANIMAL ABUSE. FUCK YOU SHINGO.
  • I wish Usagi didn’t cry. Like, girl, stand up for your cat. Roast this little shithead.
• FUCK. YOU. MAMORU.
• Welp the monsters are horrifying, I will give this episode that.
• OH NOW YOU STOP DEPENDING ON TUXEDO MASK.
• Moon Tiara Stardust. Nice variation, but uh… how did we know the tiara could do this? AND WHY IS IT NEVER USED AGAIN?
  • Huh. She actually freed herself. Cool. Good job, episode.
• Shingo a fan of Sailor Moon, or Sailor V rather… I actually kinda like that twist.
  • At least he doesn’t find her attractive. Then I would vomit.
  • Actually WHERE THE FUCK IS SAILOR V? HOW HAS SHE NOT ENCOUNTERED SAILOR MOON? I DON’T UNDERSTAND?
  • Wouldn’t it be good for Usagi to have a mentor? Plus you could show the threat of the Dark Kingdom by incapacitating Sailor V for an extended period of time.

Episode 6:

• SO. MUCH. FILLER.
• JUST SKIPPING THE INTRO RECAP.
• Wow. VHS tapes. Ancient technology.
  • Why is it in the orb? Oh fuck it I don’t care.
• I actually really like the hint at the design of the monster this episode.
  • Til they actually reveal it. Then she has this weird hair on her chest and ears and… I don’t know.
  • Huh. The guy actually encountered it earlier. Nice twist. Love the use of the contrasting colors too.
• Usagi changing into a green-haired hooker. Cool.
  • And the girl doesn’t order alcohol. So innocent.
  • And Usagi hitting on this guy. Okay then.
  • “Age has nothing to do with it.” Unless this person is under 18 in which case EW NO. Wait, how old is Akiko compared to this guy?
• No Tuxedo Mask this time either… alrighty. Not sue on the science they used to defeat the monster but I’ll roll with it.

Episode 7:

• FUCKING. FILLER.
• Wow, the internet. Such magical technology.
• Thank god everyone is conveniently obsessed with whatever the Dark Kingdom’s plan at the moment is.
• And they’re singing the “Moonlight Densetsu” lyrics. End me.
• Women can only be enemies. Never equals or partners. Joy.
• SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY LUNA ISN’T WORRIED ABOUT FINDING THE NEXT GUARDIAN.
• Okay Umino does kinda rock salmon. I have to admit that.
  • DID THEY JUST MAKE FUN OF NARU’S BOSTON ACCENT? YES.
• Welp, that monster attack was… disturbing. Real hentai material.
• And more mangling of the Cinderella story. I am literally one of the few people who will defend the original Cinderella story, so this infuriates me.
• What in the fuck is Usagi even wearing?
• Oh great. Dickhead Mamoru.
• Wow. An evil alien audience. Cool.
• Odd that the monster didn’t go after Usagi. Like… what?
  • You’d think Usagi would be used to this battle shit already. Ugh.
• Useless Tuxedo Mask makes his return. Wonderful.

Episode 8 (Sailor Mercury):

• FINALLY. THE SAILOR MERCURY EPISODE.
  • For reference, this was Act 2 of the manga and episode 2 of Sailor Moon Crystal. HOW THE FUCK DID WE JUST GET TO EPISODE 8?
• FUCKING RECAP INTRO.
• Yes. Parents suck. Education is evil.
• Oh, Luna talking to Artemis. Can someone explain to me why Artemis and Sailor V aren’t interacting with Sailor Moon?
  • Also, for the record, the arcade had a command center beneath it where the Sailor Guardians met. I don’t know why this was cut, but… oh well.
• An “Over 9000” joke. I must respect that.
• ALL. NEW. BUSINESSES. ARE. FUCKING. EVIL. JESUS. FUCKING. CHRIST.
• Awe, Ami is so adorable. Why did it take this long to find her, though?
  • Wait, why did Luna think she was evil? BITCH YOU KNOW YOU’RE LOOKING FOR THE REINCARNATED SAILOR GUARDIANS AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ALL LOOK LIKE AND YET- oh fuck it I don’t care.
• FUCK. OFF. MAMORU.
• Welp, this monster design is… something.
• “Why do apples fall from tree?” Bitch, how did you not know to say gravity?
• FINALLY. SAILOR FUCKING MERCURY.
  • “I guess I was right after all.” BITCH YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS EVIL.
• Mercury’s attack is much more useless here than it is in Crystal. There she can actually concentrate the mist into an attack.

Episode 9:

• And another episode before we meet Mars. Ugh.
  • I do like Usagi trying to bond with Ami, though. That’s the kind of filler I can appreciate.
• “Like we’d ever wear these.” Your fashion sucks regardless.
• Again, Jadeite uses real human problems and flaws for his plans, which I do kinda like in theory. It’s the execution that sucks.
• Oh great. We’re in the realm of the Sailor Moon R intro.
  • THE REALM OF BAD MODERN ART. Which actually is also kinda our normal realm.

Episode 10 (Sailor Mars):

• FUCKING FINALLY. SAILOR MARS. OH. MY. GOD.
• AGAIN THIS FUCKING INTRO.
• “You have failed several times already, Jadeite.” Yeah, nine times. “But I will give you a chance to redeem yourself.” OH MY GOD AGAIN.
• … Police sirens do not sound like that. Those sound like children’s instruments.
• Luna, you don’t get to berate Usagi for shirking her duties when you spent six episodes not trying to find Sailor Mercury and then thinking Sailor Mercury was a fucking villain. Fuck off.
• You’d think Rei would predict the fucking future. Or look into the past.
• I would like someone to tell the ‘90s anime that women are interested in more things than just men. Please and thank you.
• I do admit, I remember liking Rei’s pervy grandfather. Only rewatching will tell me if he is a waste of space so much so the manga never bothered introducing him even though her apparently owned this place.
• Oh great, ‘90s Rei. Ugh.
  • Okay so Rei is completely different in the ‘90s anime from how she is in the manga. In the manga, she was very poised and stoic. She respected Usagi, and hated men. In the ‘90s anime, she got a lot of traits from Venus. Very hot-headed. Always bullying Usagi, verging on abuse. And for some reason, boy and star crazy? WHAT?
  • Oddly enough, Rei seems to be pretty toned down this episode. But I know the inner raging bitch will soon emerge.
• Oh sure. Accidental exorcise Usagi. Okay then.
• This bothers me. Okay so in the manga, it was intended that the Four Generals (Jadeite, Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite) would be destined to wind up with the four Inner Guardians: Jadeite with Mars; Nephrite with Jupiter; Zoisite with Mercury; and Kunzite with Venus. Yet here they never take advantage of Jadeite being around Rei.
  • Then again, the ‘90s anime cut out the Generals’ backstories completely and just made them evil, so… fuck it. Sailor Moon Crystal is honestly the only one to try and do anything with the romance, and even then they only told us about it and never made us care before METALIA DEATH LASER.
• WHY IS EVERYONE GOING TO THE SHRINE FOR LOVE? WHY IS IT NEVER “Oh, I’m worried for my future,” OR “My relative died or is currently dying from [insert random terminal illness here]”? WOMEN CAN HAVE OTHER CONCERNS. ALSO, WHY ARE ALL THE VICTIMS WOMEN? I’M SO CONFUSED.
  • Actually, you know what’d be a really cool twist? Relying on people who rely solely on faith to get things done instead of taking action themselves. Now that would be a good weakness of humanity to exploit. BUT NAH. IT’S ALWAYS LOVE CUZ THE WRITERS DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE WOMEN DO.
• OH NO. THE BUS TURNED REALITY INTO BAD MODERN ART.
• See? I prefer how the manga handled this. Usagi genuinely tried to befriend Rei, but Rei turned her away because she didn’t want to burden her with being considered a pariah because of her psychic abilities. Rei even jumped into harm’s way when she thought Usagi and Ami were in danger.
  • BUT NAH. REI’S A BITCH CUZ WHY NOT. CUZ FIRE. FIERY PERSONALITY. OH MY FUCKING GOD.
• Usagi… why would you become a flight attendant? It’s a bus. AND BUSES DON’T HAVE ATTENDANTS.
  • At least Luna acknowledges the stupid. But couldn’t Usagi go “I literally had no other ideas”?
• Huh? When the fuck could the tiara trap enemies? It’s cool but WE NEED TO ESTABLISH IT BEFOREHAND OTHERWISE IT’S A FUCKING BULLSHIT DEUS EX MACHINA.
  • Again, in the manga it was at this point Sailor Moon’s tiara was destroyed. There, it was destroyed by Mars’ attack, but here, it could’ve been broken when the monster broke free. However, that ties into Sailor Moon getting a new tiara, but the anime doesn’t feel like acknowledging those tiny details.
  • On that note actually, all the Guardians have little unique features on their uniforms. Mercury has no sleeves. Mars has a brooch on her belt (This was from Crystal). Jupiter had a rose belt (This was also cut from Crystal). Venus had her chain, whereas in the ‘90s anime it’s just a weird attack of light that appears from nowhere.
• “She’s also a Guardian?” LUNA LITERALLY JUST SAID SHE WAS SAILOR MARS oh forget it.
• Wait… wait, how did Mercury… oh fuck it, I don’t care.
• Tuxedo Mask driving a bus. Okay then. What the fuck ever.
• Wait, wouldn’t this reveal Ami as Sailor Mercury to Tuxedo Mask and Jadeite? Oh what the fuck ever THE ANIME DOESN’T CARE.
• And so begins the rivalry between Moon and Mars. End my life now please.

Episode 11:

• Oh yay more filler… joy.
  • For the record, act 4 of the manga is turned into episode 22 of the ‘90s anime. Because fuck you.
• OH MY GOD WHY IS THIS RECAP INTRO STILL HERE?
• … God the ‘90s fashion is fucking atrocious.
• I HATE THE USAGI AND REI RIVALRY SO MUCH.
• “But how?” EXCELLENT QUESTION, LUNA. CARE TO TELL US HOW WE WILL WASTE THE NEXT 20+ EPISODES WITH USELESS FILLER THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
• At least the Guardians are being more proactive. I guess.
• The apple is evil.
• Uh… are those corpses around Jadeite? Is this an actual location, or just some weird prop he set up for funzies?
• WHAT THE FUCK IS MAMORU DOING HERE? OH MY ACTUAL GOD.
  • Wow. Mamoru’s reaction legit makes him seem like a pedophile. That is not helped by the fact that instead of having him be in high school while Usagi is in middle school like the manga, they aged Mamoru up to be a college student. BECAUSE WHY. THE FUCK. NOT. EW.
• Rei actually suspecting Mamoru is Tuxedo Mask… wow. Someone isn’t completely fucking stupid.
• Oh yeah the snake that petrifies you. That fucked me up as a kid.
• Aaaaaand creepy doll mechanics. That’s not terrifying at all.
  • The evil doll was scarier with just blank white eyes.
• Oh my god they didn’t even bother animating Tuxedo Mask’s lip flaps for his useless speech. The anime does not care.

Episode 12:

• Thetus. I’m pretty sure that’s a constellation or Greek god.
• At least they tried to characterize one of the many monsters. Even though this one’s only characteristic is liking Jadeite.
• Operation: Romantic Cruise. Such a fucking clever name.
  • I will admit… good transition.
• Tissues for a consolation prize… at least they know you’ll cry.
• I WISH USAGI AND REI WOULD JUST BE FRIENDS. FRIENDS ARE NOT THIS CRUEL. YEAH SOMETIMES WE MAKE FUN OF EACH OTHER BUT THAT’S HARMLESS TEASING.
• WHY IS EVERY FEMALE IN THIS FUCKING ANIME OBSESSED WITH MEN? GOD, THIS REALLY WAS WRITTEN BY MEN.
• Sure. But the cat in a bag without any air flow. I’m sure she won’t die.
• Wow. The one time Jadeite actually bothers completely changing his appearance? That’s it? WHY ONLY THIS ONE TIME? I’M SO CONFUSED.
• Seriously, Rei was the most ladylike of the girls in the manga, AND HERE SHE’S A PIG? WHY?
• Wow. So the guardians were only immune to this trap once? Wait, HOW WAS AMI AFFECTED IN THE THEME PARK? DO THE WRITERS NOT KEEP TRACK OF THIS SHIT?
  • Oh and now Jadeite knows Mercury and Mars’ secret identities. Wait, didn’t he see Ami hugging Sailor Moon back in episode 10. OH WHO THE FUCK CARES AT THIS POINT.
  • Oh nevermind. They’re just “girls without boyfriends.” Okay then.
• I will at least say Thetus was a cool monster. I liked her design and powers.
• What the fuck was up with Beryl’s hair and design this episode? God that was horrendous.

Episode 13 (Jadeite death):

• Spotlights for Jadeite. Even though we clearly don’t need them. Alrighty then.
  • YES. HE HAS FAILED 12 TIMES NOW. OH MY GOD.
• WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS FUCKING ORB?
• The “sentence of eternal sleep.” You mean death?
  • “Never to awaken again.” AS IS THE CASE OF ETERNAL SLEEP. WHICH IS DEATH.
• I will admit, nice foreshadowing of Nephrite’s use of the stars with this little stargazing bit.
  • The constellations of Motoki and Tuxedo Mask. At least we know Usagi CAN ONLY FUCKING THINK ABOUT BOYS AND NOTHING ELSE BECAUSE MEN DON’T KNOW HOW TO WRITE WOMEN APPARENTLY.
• Wait… couldn’t Jadeite just burn down this whole city to kill the Sailor Guardians? Also, what happened with the search for the Silver Crystal? They mentioned it earlier in the season but… oh forget it.
  • Also, Jadeite had ice powers in the manga to contrast with Sailor Mars. So… consistency, yay.
• Wow. Usagi being mature. Even the anime is shocked. DON’T WORRY THIS DEVELOPMENT ISN’T GONNA LAST, PROB EVEN WITHIN THE EPISODE.
  • Yep she’s crying. Too good to be true.
• FUCK. OFF. MAMORU.
  • “You’re really rude.” LOOK WHO IS FUCKING TALKING.
• Why did the girls not transform beforehand?
• WILL YOU GUYS PRIORITIZE? THE VILLAIN IS RIGHT THERE.
• “Do you know how much an airplane costs?” DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL DIE IF THE SAILOR GUARDIANS DIE? LITERALLY ALL OF THEM. FUCK YOU LUNA.
• Wow. Such a riveting fight between Tuxedo Mask and Jadeite. They spun so dramatically, and then we cut away til there was a splash in the water. Oh noooooooooo.
• Sexist Jadeite being sexist because men don’t know how to write evil men in a girl show because THEY CAN’T EVEN WRITE WOMEN PROPERLY.
  • “In the name of the Moon… fuck Nazis.”
• And here I shall quote the dearly departed Sailor Moon Abridged series.
  • “I GOT HIT BY A PLANE.” “YOU SHOULD’VE PLANNED FOR THAT.”
  • Jeez. At least let the man spill the Guardians’ secret identities. At least then the anime would be more interesting.
  • Actually I wanna note that in the manga and Sailor Moon Crystal, the secret identities are almost never a plot point like they are in the ‘90s anime.
• Oh hi Liam O’Brien. I mean Nephrite.
• Fuck. Off. Tuxedo. Useless. Fucking. Mask.
  • OH HE CAN FLY NOW. OKAY. SURE. WHY NOT?

Episode 14:

• I kinda like them trying to differentiate Jadeite and Nephrite’s plans. Not sure why they gave Nephrite star powers, but… okay.
  • Oh hi, Zoisite. Where have you been?
• Okay so Jupiter showed up right when Nephrite appeared, but for some reason the ‘90s anime delayed Jupiter showing up til after Nephrite’s arc. Why? I don’t know.
• Nephrite just chilling in some abandoned forest mansion. I must admit, he has taste.
  • Oh, Sagittarius. Cool. It’s my astrological sign. Not that it matters. Cuz astrology is bullshit. You didn’t hear it from me.
• At least Naru is getting more love… kinda, I guess. The manga just kinda forgot about her, but so does the ‘90s anime most of the time.
• And Nephrite has a fucking sports car because he’s cool.
  • Wow. He’s a gymnast too.
  • They just let him into the match? Okay then.
  • Masato. Okay then.
• What in the hell are Artemis and Sailor V even doing? Wait, how did you not know the Dark Kingdom was up to this? YOU FOUGHT THEM IN THE PAST oh I give up.
• Usagi, if you could take this seriously. I get you’re a ditz, but this is flatout flanderization.
  • Fuck you, Luna.
• Tuxedo Useless Mask.
  • Wow. He actually kinda did something. Kinda. When the fuck could his cane even do that.
• Let it be known Sailor Moon was turned into a human tennis ball this episode.

Episode 15 (Rei’s first date):

• Just so everyone knows, in the manga:
  • Mamoru knew he was Tuxedo Mask. He literally CREATED THE PERSONA.
  • Rei hated men. Might’ve even been a lesbian.
  • Rei and Mamoru never dated.
  • That is fucking all.
• How did no one know of this park?
  • OH NO A CAPTAIN PLANET PLOT.
• What the hell is Mamoru wearing?
  • God, I hate Mamoru and Usagi fighting.
• Welp Nephrite is creepy.
• Beware the evil butterflies.
• God I hate almost everyone’s ‘90s incarnation.
  • At least Rei’s daydreaming is accurate to my life. I hate admitting that.
• EVIL SQUIRRELS.
• Wait. Wouldn’t them transforming reveal… oh whatever.

Episode 16:

• “So boring.” SAME, USAGI. SO MUCH FILLER.
• Again, this bridal plot was Jupiter’s introduction. Jupiter is strong, but very feminine, and she’s a huge hopeless romantic who wants to get married. YET THEY STUCK A PLOT THAT’D WORK WELL FOR HER BEFORE SHE EVEN GOT HERE. IT’S THE HOUSE OF FORTUNE ALL OVER AGAIN.
• Okay I actually like the monster design here.
  • Oh nevermind. I thought the dress was gonna be the monster. Instead it’s… a spider lady? What?
• Rei and Ami appearing on a “Happy Couple” thing. Wow, writers. Way to queerbait. Also, why weren’t they transformed beforehand? Ugh.
  • For the record, though, most ship Jupiter with Mercury and Mars with Venus. Just saying.

Episode 17:

• Oh yay. The obligatory swimsuit episode. Ugh.
• FUCK. OFF. MAMORU.
  • I swear, he is such a fucking asshole.
• These swimsuit designs are fucking ridiculous. WHY DOES USAGI’S HAVE SO MANY BOWS?
• What the hell is this monster design? She has an eye in her hand and weird fucking shoulders jutting out like cylinders.
  • I will admit, nice way of Sailor Moon using her wits to save the day. For once.

Episode 18:

• Shingo’s love? God help us all.
• I never got why the Generals never worked together. Like… why not? What the hell does each General do when one of them is busy failing in the human world.
• OH GOD FUCK ALL THESE DOLLS.
• What in the fuck are Rei and especially Ami wearing?
• Why are Rei and Mamoru dating? They don’t even have good chemistry.
• The music is suddenly… gone during Sailor Moon’s speech.
  • Oh nevermind it randomly played late. Okay then.
• Welp, this monster looks like something out of Evil Within.
• That awkward moment the Sailor Moon doll looks legit evil.
  • No really, that is a fucking villain smile.

Episode 19:

• “A sentence worse than death.” IT IS DEATH.
• WHY CAN NO ONE THINK OF ANYTHING BESIDES LOVE FOR WOMEN?
• At least Haruna is trying to keep the girls safe.
  • And she’s petty. Of course.
• Poor Usagi needs a hug.
  • “Sigh.”
• You’d think Rei’s powers could keep her healthy or something. Sigh. But I guess we needed a contrived reason to keep Mars and Mercury out of the plot.
• Naru dramatically looking off into the night. Cuz she has no other traits. Sigh. I mean maybe if they legit bonded over… I don’t know, ANYTHING.
• Huh. Nephrite actually rocks the Tuxedo Mask look. What do you know?
• Wow. An actual monster. At least Leo got some justice. Even though the green is weird.
• Tuxedo Mask? Really? Chilling by an elevator? Sigh. Audible sigh, by the way.
• Oh wow, Mercury and Mars showed up.
  • Oh my god, Mars in a fucking face mask. I can’t.
• “If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s a girl fight.” YEP. WRITTEN BY MEN WITH NO UNDERSTANDING OF WOMEN.
• Okay, so the other Generals are looking for the Silver Crystal? I’m assuming they’re roaming the rest of the world while Jadeite and Nephrite were focused solely in Japan. That kinda makes more sense. If only that was established.

Episode 20:

• Oh boy. Here we are. The vacation episode. A.k.a., the ultimate filler episode. They didn’t even bother trying to tie in the Dark Kingdom. Ugh.
• Sailor Guardian training? What? Who paid for this trip? What if the Dark Kingdom attacks while you guys are gone? Oh my fucking god.
• WHY IS EVERY CONCERN ABOUT MEN? EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.
• Uh… the rain isn’t showing up. Did the animators forget to put that in, or did the rain get removed in the remastering process? I can faintly see rain lines but it’s almost invisible.
• Wait, if the mansion belongs to this guy, then why… oh forget it.
• Well this episode was worthless. Even more so than usual.

Episode 21:

• I appreciate the writers taking a jab at themselves. Problem is LUNA IS A BITCH OH MY GOD.
• Also why is everyone pronouncing “anime” so fucking weirdly?
• Wait, what’s wrong with her sketch? It looks fine. Unlike that abstract purple background.
• Why does this man have a baby with him?
• You girls realize these pencils don’t automatically make you better artists, right? Just because you have Photoshop doesn’t mean you’re a professional graphic designer.
  • Also, what the fuck is up with the colors on these pencils? THAT PINK WITH THAT BLUE-GREEN? DISGUSTING.
  • “We’ll only untie our pencil boxes with each other’s approval.” What the fuck kinda rule is this?
  • I don’t care that she broke it. It’s a dumb fucking rule. Also BITCH DO YOU NOT SHARPEN THESE THINGS?
• Wow, security at this studio sucks.
• Again Sailor Mercury is useless. What the hell were you even gonna try? All you can do is make a fog.
  • Actually, USE A FOG TO OBSCURE HIS VISION SO HE’LL CRASH. HELL, HE HAD THE DOOR OPEN, SO FILL THE CAR UP WITH MIST.
• Oh my god, what is Rei even wearing?
• That’s… not how production works. An animator can’t just randomly decide to change how the story goes when the script is already finished. Bitch, this isn’t how this shit works.
• I will admit, nice way of integrating Gemini. In theory. But as usual, the designs are trash.
  • “WHY ARE HER BUBBLES ACTUALLY USEFUL?”
  • Seriously, why can’t Mercury use her power offensively if EVEN THE ANIME SUGGESTS IT CAN BE USED THAT WAY?
• “They’re defeating us with our own powers.” HEY, DIPSHITS. THERE’S THIS THING CALLED STRATEGY. YOU DIDN’T EVEN GET HIT YET YOU’RE ALREADY EXHAUSTED?

Episode 22 (Masquerade):

• This whole plot was originally act 4 of the manga. In the words of the Love and Justice Podcast (Which is amazing, you should totally listen to it), this is “Episode twenty-too-many.
• “I am responsible for all activities on earth.” THEN WHERE THE FUCK HAS ZOISITE BEEN SEARCHING?
  • What makes it even more inconsistent and annoying is that even General is meant to search a specific part of the world for the Silver Crystal for the Dark Kingdom. Jadeite is the Middle East, Zoisite is Europe, Nephrite is North America, and Kunzite is the Middle East (Not sure who covers Africa, South America, and Antarctica, but oh well).
• And suddenly Beryl looks like a derpy vampire. Okay then.
• I’d enjoy Zoisite and Kunzite’s relationship if they were better written (A.k.a. They weren’t petty with the other Generals for no goddamn reason), and they weren’t the stereotypical same-sex couple where one is the “guy” and one is the “girl.” Ugh.
• What the fuck, Rei? Usagi was stating the problem. That is literally the most important part in the problem-solving process. Shut the fuck up, you antagonistic bitch.
• OH. NOW WE GET SILVER MILLENNIUM SHIT. IT TOOK HOW MANY FUCKING EPISODES?
• What the hell are Rei and Ami even wearing? Also, why did they not all go together? I’M SO CONFUSED. AND WHY DID NO ONE STOP USAGI? NO ONE SENT GUARDS IN AFTER HER?
• Apparently people are indeed face-blind. I could buy that no one recognized them as Sailor Guardians since - and this is a bit of a cop out and they should’ve explained this in the actual show, but stay with me - in Cute High Earth Defense Club Love (Basically the male equivalent of Sailor Moon), their faces are magical blurred out. Does that also go for the Disguise Pen? I’m so lost and I don’t care anymore.
• And the big romantic dance is of course skimmed over. Sigh.
• How in the hell did no one decide to stop Naru? And WHY IS NO ONE CONCERNED OVER HER PURPLE SKIN?
• “There’s no way I’ll let you harm Tuxedo Mask!” WHAT ABOUT USAGI, BITCH?
• Luna conveniently giving them an umbrella. Whatever.
• “Maybe I am an enemy.” GREAT. NOW I HATE TUXEDO MASK ALMOST AS MUCH AS MAMORU.
  • Usagi doesn’t even react because she’s boy-crazy because THE WRITERS DON’T KNOW HOW TO WRITE WOMEN. GEE I WONDER IF THIS WILL BE ONE OF THE MAJOR STAPLES OF THE ‘90S ANIME.

Episode 23 (Naru and Nephrite):

• Naru is sad she doesn’t have any toes. OH GOD I EVEN READ THAT IN HER BOSTON ACCENT.
  • Also what the fuck are these bathing suits? Y’ALL ARE 14.
• “We have to tell Naru that Masato is actually Nephrite.” SHE WON’T KNOW WHO NEPHRITE IS. YOU MORONS.
• A random dark crystal. Cool.
  • Not to be confused with the Malefic Black Crystal… if that even exists in the ‘90s anime.
• God Mamoru’s fashion is hideous. HIS FUCKING SHIRT LOOKS LIKE BAD MODERN ART.
  • Wow. Mamoru giving good advice for once. FOR ONCE. I STILL HATE HIM.
• Wow. Usagi has the emotional intelligence of a brick. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS DAMN SHOW.
• Naru’s mom sucks. She just… let her kid go.
• Wait. Why does Naru love Nephrite? I don’t understand.
• Welp, this monster is terrifying.
• THE SHOCK IS SO BAD WE’VE TRANSPORTED INTO THE REALM OF BAD MODERN ART. AGAIN.
• The first time any of them have heard of this crystal? Really?
  • LUNA DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS? WHAT? IT’S LITERALLY ONE OF THE MAJOR REASONS SHE… oh fuck it. Fuck this all.

Episode 24 (Nephrite death):

• Creepy Nephrite is creepy. Still don’t get his motivations, or why Zoisite and Kunzite are against him. At all.
• WHY DID USAGI NOT TRANSFORM BEFOREHAND? THESE CHARACTERS ARE FUCKING MORONS.
  • Also, warped space indicated by bad modern art. What even was happening? Ugh.
• Wait, if Tuxedo Mask was hanging around, then… why didn’t he see Usagi transform? AND WAIT, WHY IS HE NOT HELPING HER? HELP YOUR FUCKING LOVE INTEREST, YOU USELESS ROSE-THROWING DICK.
• Somehow Nephrite can create swords? WHERE WAS THIS BEFORE?
• You can tell it’s child friendly because the blood isn’t green.
  • All this could’ve been solved by Nephrite talking to Beryl. Or was he trying to turn on her? But he said he was doin this for the Dark Kingdom. I’M SO CONFUSED.
• Well… this was less epic than I expected.
• Nephrite fades away… okay then. I guess Dark Kingdom corpses don’t stick around?
  • I feel this would’ve hurt more if Nephrite actually wanted to turn against Beryl and saw what he was doing was wrong. Maybe if he got glimpses of his past life?