Dear Mr. Fix-it: Big Brother Blues

Dear Mr. Fix-it,

I’ve got a problem I hope you can fix. I’m a 21-year old college student right now sharing an apartment with my 20-year old little brother. I’ve got a decent body – 6’ tall and 180 pounds, and in good shape from years of baseball – and I get my fair share of dates. But whenever I bring someone home for a night of fun, my brother will be waiting in the living room to show off. He spends all his free time working out, and a good deal of the money he earns from his job goes to protein powder and supplements.  As a result, he has grown from about my size to 220 pounds of solid muscle. My dates pretty much forget about me once he starts flexing his big biceps, popping his pecs, and bragging about how he can bench twice my max, and he always ends up in bed with them instead of me. It’s just infuriating!

Can you fix things so I’m back to being the bigger brother?

Signed,

Brother Is Grating

Dear B.I.G.,

I have a few ideas in my head to fix this situation, but I think the easiest will be to start with your bank account balance. Let’s see – $2,000 in there, which is not bad for a college student. I’m just going to add in a few extra zeroes and get that up to $200,000. OK, done.

I’m going to disburse half of that amount immediately to Ivan Czeresko. Don’t know him? He’s also known as Ivan the Terrible, and he’s the motherf***ing toughest, but most effective, personal trainer in your area. That 100K is going to get you signed up for daily one-on-one workouts in his private gym for the next year.

Ivan is going to accomplish some amazing things with your body. Due to his training methods, along with the secret supplements he provides his clients, you won’t be 180 pounds much longer. With your height and athletic background, he’s going to be able to add around 10 pounds of muscle to your frame each month. Don’t believe me? Just wait and see.

In three months, you’ll be up to 210 pounds, just shy of your little brother. He’s going to start to wonder how you caught up so quickly, especially because he will never see you working out at home or in the local public gym. In six months, you’ll weigh 240 pounds – finally back to being the bigger sibling, with arms at least 2 inches bigger and a chest 5 inches bigger than your brother. That will cut down on a lot of his cockiness, and by then the showing off will stop. By the 9-month mark, your dates aren’t even going to be able to see your brother because of your hulking body – you will be topping the scales at 270 pounds of beef, and those supplements are also going to help you grow a little taller, too, taking you up to 6’2”. You’ll be the one stealing dates from him at this point.

Finally, at the one-year mark, Ivan’s methods are going to make you into a 300 pound ultra-jacked monster, with 25-inch guns and a massive 65-inch chest. Any time you bring home a potential conquest, you’ll make your puny brother come out of his room so you can demonstrate your physical superiority – first, you will curl his 220-pound body for reps, and then press him 10 times over your head. Your dates are going to start dripping as you show off your raw power, and they will be very, very ready to hop in the sack with you.

Now, as for the rest of the money in your bank account, 50 grand will be going to a brand new decked-out Jeep. You need something big and tough to fit your new and improved body, and that crappy Subaru isn’t going to cut it anymore. You can give it to your brother to drive.

And the other 50K is going to be for food, because you are going to need a lot of it, and new clothes for once you get huge. And no more baggy sweatshirts, dirty jeans, and 5-year old boxers with holes in them! Use the money to get yourself some custom suits and shirts for your time on campus, some high-quality sportswear for the gym, and erotic underwear for the bedroom.

Keep me posted on your progress, B.I.G., and if you have time to send me a few photos a year from now, I’d appreciate it!

Sincerely,

Mr. Fix-it