Side Dish: WHY is burnout so real??

Friends, I cannot express how badly I want to do things. Get back to living life, feeling like myself, creating security and reducing stress. It feels like the life I want is right in front of me, if I can just GET UP AND DO THE THINGS.

But, I cannot do the things. 

For those of you who follow me on Instagram or TikTok, you know I recently took a trip to Trinidad. It was important for me to go and, on some level, really needed for me. I got to re-connect with my family, which is something that I have to put concerted effort towards even at the best of times - I'm not naturally a "let's keep in touch!" kind of girly. I got to spend time in sunshine and swimming in warm ocean water, which was like medicine to my soul. 

But, beyond that, it really was difficult for me. That level of socializing, events, activities, human interaction, etc. has always been outside of my comfort zone but even MORE now as I'm working on listening to my body more and understanding my neurodivergence. Everyday felt like work. Add on to that various personalities & communication styles, actively parenting a child fighting for his autonomy, and the constant emotional labour of planning & managing a large group of people: exhausting.

And, maybe more importantly, since I've been burnt out & RiVerse was on hiatus, I went into that trip broke and came home even more broke. It's stresssssssful. I have not been in this kind of financial insecurity in YEARS. So everyday, I am trying to convince myself to do work, pick up freelance gigs, search for performance opportunities, speaking engagements, peer support clients, anything that will get some income flowing in. 

Burnout is real, though. As stressed as I am, as much as I'm worried about paying my bills, I cannot convince my brain or my body to Do The Things. It is wild to me.

I want to understand this phenomenon so badly. What makes us, as humans, experience burnout. Why does it impact us this way? How can we be in this position, where we logically know what we need to do, but feel like it is literally impossible?? It doesn't make sense to me, but I know it is real because I am FEELING it. *sigh*

Anyway, today I am spending some time editing some live k-pop reactions I did on TikTok throughout RiVerse's hiatus. These were going to be posted on the RiVerse Patreon account months ago, but I didn't have the energy to edit them. I'm doing it now, but they are staying here on this page because... I deserve for my own time, energy & efforts to be compensated (she says, unconvincingly, as she tries to convince herself).

As always, anyone who is here, thank you for supporting me. Thank you for taking the time to consume these random thoughts of mine. I will hopefully see you or chat with you soon... once I can convince myself to Do The Things. 🙃