RS 38: Kiss the Girl

Chapter 38

Kiss the Girl

Eventually Jasconius slowed down and the island came to a bobbing halt. Everyone stood up, cautious, but the enormous, magical turtle bobbed in the surf, presumably content to nap on the wavetops. The sky was blue and dotted with happy little summer clouds. The breeze was warm and pleasant and a few seagulls wheeled overhead.

Now that the immediate danger seemed to be over, thoughts naturally turned to lunch.

“The trees say it’s not a good idea to light a fire,” said Joan, glancing up at the feathered palms that shaded them.

“It probably gets too hot for comfort,” said Epic, “if those rocks are actually his back.”

They made a nice meal of coconut and sandwiches, those that had stayed dry anyway. Some of the party had been better at wrapping their belongings than others. Still, there was more than enough to eat and afterwards they all lay about out under the trees to nap in the warm afternoon sunlight. Lulled by the sounds of the sea they soon fell asleep, rocked by the motion of the magical turtle-island.

Late afternoon they woke.

“So what next?” asked Epic, yawning. She was stroking Stinkums with one lazy hand and the sabre-toothed tiger was rumbling with happiness. While they had slept, Stinkums had caught a fish off the rocks. She was even more pungent than usual. The rest of the party was lying upwind trying not to mind.

“I don’t know,” said Joan. “I don’t fancy making a try for the underwater temple just yet.”

“That potion is a bit shit,” said Alice. “Sorry Joan. I mean, it’s better than nothing but I dislike the way it makes you feel like you are going to die before it starts and after it ends.”

“That’s fair,” said Joan. “I’ll work on it.”

Fred stared out at the azure sea. There was nothing in sight but water.

“I’m going to go and look for Jasconius,” said Hugo, getting up. Everyone looked at him. “His head!” said Hugo. “Or her head? Maybe we can have a chat.”

“Don’t fall in the sea,” said Alice. Hugo stuck out his tongue at her and clambered off over the rocks.

Alice wandered off in the other direction declaring a vague intention to look for coconuts. Epic and Stinkums carried on napping. Joan was tinkering with her potions and Fred decided it would be expedient to go on a walk of his own, just in case Joan decided she needed test subjects.

Fred ambled into the palm trees enjoying the sun. He kept a vague eye out for anything troublesome. Or interesting. The sun was setting in the distance and coils of liquid gold teased their way across the wave tops. The wind was dropping, and the temperature with it although it was still pleasantly warm.

He made a circuit around the island. It didn’t take all that long, although the bushes and trees were densely packed along the western end. By the time he was just over half-way around the stars had come out. The shadows lengthened to full black.

Up ahead Fred could hear singing.

A slender woman sat on a rock, combing out long, auburn hair with a silver comb. Where her legs should be there was only a large, emerald fish tail. The scales glittered in the cold light of the rising moon and she turned her head towards him as he approached.

“Hello Fred,” she said, her voice soft and low, “will you help me?”

Fred halted some distance away, swallowing. She didn’t look dangerous. And he was on dry land but he had been in Macabre long enough not to judge straight away.

“How do you know my name?”

She shrugged, pale shoulders rippling.

“The sea witch told me. Will you help me? If I fail at my task,” her eyes went wide and luminous, “I will turn into sea foam and my soul will be lost forever.”

“That sounds unpleasant,” said Fred.

“So will you help me, kind Fred?”

“I mean I can try? What do you need to do?”

“I am in love with Prince Erik,” said the mermaid. She sighed lustily and her hair swayed, dangerously close to revealing the full extent of her nakedness.  “My love is a human, he cannot swim beneath the waves. So I made a deal - with the witch.”

“Ug,” said Fred. “I’m beginning to develop a prejudice against witches. What was the deal?”

“In return for a potion that will grant me the legs of a land-walker I have three days to make the prince fall for me. If I don’t succeed in that time, my heart will break and I will die.”

“Fall for you? That’s very nebulous? What did the witch say exactly?”

“A kiss,” sighed the mermaid.

“Just a kiss? Hmm, that's doable. But why will your heart break? I mean,” said Fred, “have you met this guy?”

“I’ve seen him,” whispered the little mermaid, her eyes growing, if possible, even bigger and darker. Stars reflected in their empty expanse. “I rescued him from the sea.”

“So, you’ve talked?”

“No, he was unconscious. But he was very, very, handsome.”

“I see.”

[ding! New Quest! Help the Little Mermaid Get Her Kiss!]

“I have a new quest!” said Fred, as he arrived back at the camp.

“So do I!” said Joan, looking up.

“Us too!” said Epic and Alice.

“And me,” said Hugo, pushing his way out of the trees.

“Excellent,” said Joan, looking around like a proud parent. “Something to sink our teeth into. What’s your quest, Fred?”

“I met a mermaid! Don’t look at me like that Joan, and I have to help her get a kiss from her true love, the prince.”

“What!” said Hugo, aghast.

“Hang on!” said Epic. “I’m supposed to kiss the prince.”

“Me too,” said Hugo.

“I’m supposed to assassinate the prince,” said Alice. They all looked at Joan.

“I’m supposed to steal something,” she said, thoughtfully, “And yes, from the prince.”

“What!” said Fred. “His trousers?”

“Are you ever going to let that go?”

“No.”

“Do you think it’s the same prince?” said Alice. “Or like, maybe there are five brothers who are all princes?”

“Ug,” said Joan. “Knowing our luck, it will be the same prince. This could get messy. Fortunately, my quest doesn’t revolve around the prince actually being alive. Hahaha.”

“Don’t you dare kill the prince before my mermaid gets her kiss, Alice!” said Fred.

“What about me!” said Hugo.

“You’ll be fine,” said Fred, with feeling. “You won’t waste away into seafoam if you don’t get kissed.”

“I might,” said Hugo, stung. “You don’t know.”

“First things first,” said Joan. “Before we waste time arguing over who gets to do what to the damned prince. How do we get to wherever it is he lives? Did someone get a place name?”

“Castle-by-the-Sea,” said Epic, helpfully.

“Help!” said Joan. “We could use some Help!”

The Incomplete Guide to Some Things popped into existence. He was wearing sunglasses and a towel around his neck, despite the late hour.

“What?” he said.

“Map, please,” said Joan. The Guide disappeared with a huff. The magical book flipped open.

Everyone leaned in and oohed at the little hand drawn castle that had appeared on the map, right next to the ‘X’ that said YOU ARE HERE. A river of blue was now coloured in, cutting across the ocean all the way from the sunken ruins to their current location, presumably the route they had come on Jasconius. The only other thing marked was their save point.

“That’s right here,” said Joan, frowning. “We should be able to see it.”

They looked out across the water. In the distance was a cloud bank that Fred could have sworn wasn’t there ten minutes ago. As they watched the mist dissipated. A castle lit with a thousand torches blazed in the midnight sky. Beyond it, just visible was a small town tucked into the fold of a wooded island.

“Jasconius must have swum us here,” he said. “Thank you, friend!”

The ground rumbled slightly.

“Did you all meet mermaids?” Fred asked the others. Everyone but Joan answered in the affirmative.

“Honey?” said Fred. Joan stood up and dusted her knees off a little. She patted his cheek fondly.

“I have a feeling we are going to be competing for XP on this one, honey,” she said. “So. I’ll just keep the details to myself if that’s alright.”

“Ohoho,” said Fred. “It’s like that is it?”

“It is.” Joan batted her eyelashes at him and then yawned theatrically. She stretched her arms over her head. “Let’s get a decent night’s sleep and then set off in the morning.”

“How will we get there?” asked Epic. “It looks quite a long way.” Joan shrugged.

“Swim I guess? Or maybe we will see some boats. Or we could make a raft.” She yawned again, and set everyone off. “But let’s sleep now. We can figure it out in the morning.”

“Sure,” said Fred, suspiciously.

Joan made a show of getting out her sleeping bag and lying down with closed eyes. The rest of the party followed suit.

Fred lay in the dark listening to Joan pretend to sleep, and grinning to himself. He fake-snored and turned over. Ten minutes later Joan crept out of camp.

“Nature calls,” she whispered, to no one in particular, and strode into the bushes.

“I think I need to pee too,” said Fred, softly. He grabbed his bag and high tailed it to the edge of the rocks. There was no sign of Joan. He wondered what she was up to and looked out across the castle, a little worried. Fred was a decent swimmer – he was an athlete after all, but getting into the sea at night was something else. The water was ink-black, the surface broken only by peddled starlight. The faint gleam only made the darkness seem deeper.

He puffed out his cheeks, and looked around for a piece of wood to help him swim. Having found a satisfactory piece of driftwood he dipped one foot into the warm water, and then pulled it back with a yelp.

“Hello,” said the little mermaid. She reared up out of the water, looking at Fred coyly through very long, titian eyelashes. “Would you like me to help you swim?”

“Um, sure,” said Fred, his palms going a bit sweaty. In the end the little mermaid towed him along, clinging to his piece of driftwood. The little mermaid seemed to have a tail like a small outboard engine, and Fred was tugged through the water at a mighty clip, the salt spray dashing into his face. The mermaid deposited him, drenched and spluttering on the shore next to the castle. He lay for a moment, catching his breath.

“Thanks,” he said, once he had the water out of his airways. Fred made a mental note to get some goggles if he could. And maybe a snorkel.

He looked up. The great bulk of the castle loomed above them. The sea lapped against its red brick stonework and a small grassy garden separated the turrets from the expanse of the water. The walls were deep coral pink, and the impressive roof was green tile. Sweeping arches linked two main buildings along an ornate bridge.

This was very clearly a castle designed for pleasure rather than defence. The turrets were airy and sweeping, and there were many, many windows, all of them spilling light out onto the water. Through the largest Fred could see beautifully dressed couples dancing. Strains of a Viennese waltz spilled out onto the warm night air. The cloying scent of roses hung in the air.

“Are you ready?” said the mermaid, sinking in the water, her hair fanning out behind her. “I will have three days in human form, once I drink the potion.”

She produced a fat, bulbous glass potion bottle from goodness knew where and balanced it on the palm of her hand. The liquid within was dense and sludgy. It had an unhealthy metallic sheen to it and looked about as appetising as engine oil.

“So, it will give you legs?” said Fred. “And then you have three days to kiss the prince?”

“Yes. The price of this magic is my voice. I won’t be able to speak, and every step I take I will feel like I am walking on knives.”

“Why are you doing this again?” asked Fred.

“To be with my love the prince.”

“The man you have ogled but never spoken to?”

“True love is greater than words!” declared the little mermaid, her great big eyes shining in the dark like a bottomless pit of passion.

“Right,” said Fred, unconvinced. “I mean.” He sat down on the beach and took his robe off, squeezing out the excess water. “Aren’t there any nice merlads under the ocean? Ones you don’t have to torture and maim yourself for?”

The mermaid looked a bit shocked.

“No!” she said. “I mean yes, there are mermen, of course, but none of them are my love.”

“I really, really think you should reconsider,” said Fred.

“You sound just like my father, King Neptune.”

“Alright, but just think about it for a second.”

He looked at the little mermaid who glared back. Fred sighed. “Okay, okay,” he said. “Ug. Okay. I mean, let’s take a look at this dreamboat prince, that’s fair. You don’t have to marry him or anything do you? It’s just a kiss?”

“Just a kiss,” said the mermaid.

“Well, that should be simple enough,” said Fred. “But if we do this promise you will at least ask one of your mermen on a date. Or I won’t cooperate.” He folded his arms. The little mermaid looked momentarily taken aback.

“You’ll help me get my kiss?” she said.

“Yes.”

“But I have to ask one of the mermen on a date?”

“Yes.”

She considered.

“Okay fine. I’ll ask one of them. Not that it will be necessary, you’ll see.” She uncorked the bottle.

“Hold up, hold up!” said Fred. “What’s your name?”

“Undine,” said the mermaid. She lifted the bottle to her lips.

“Wait! What’s the princes’ name?”

“Erik,” said Undine, “my prince’s name is Erik. I told you that already, pay attention.”

She drank.

Her whole body shuddered. The bottle fell from her hands, smashing onto the rocks. Undine’s eyes bulged, her hands grasping at her throat. An atramentous cloud of magic spilled out of her open mouth, enveloping her in a sinister mist. Fred heard her groan, and then there was silence.

“Are you alright?”

There was no response.

Slowly the cloud dissipated. Fred rushed to the mermaid’s side. Undine lay next to the water, unconscious, long, pale legs where her tail had been, her face pale and pinched with pain. She was also naked. While she had a lot of hair it didn’t cover everything.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” said Fred, and took off his soggy robe for the second time that night. He scooped up the unconscious girl, rolling her in his robe like a burrito, so that only her flaming red hair stuck out the end. To his relief, she seemed to be breathing and otherwise unharmed.

Fred wasn’t really sure what to do. After a moment’s consideration he decided on a direct approach. Staggering slightly he carried Undine carefully up to the castle.

“Hello!” said Fred, stepping confidently up to the wide balcony door that was thrown open. Beyond he could see twirling couples and an orchestra. His feet twitched. Two guards appeared from nowhere, clashing their spears together to form a barrier. “Hello!” he said again, “I found this poor girl on the shore-”

“You can’t come in here like that!” hissed one of the guards.

“Why not?” asked Fred, innocently, dripping water on the carpet. One of the guards eyes his bared tattooed chest, the other checking over his shoulder at the finely dressed crowd, most of whom seemed to be oblivious to the altercation.

“Out, out!” he said, turning back and flapping his hands at Fred like he was shooing a wayward chicken. “No peasants! Invited guests only! This is a royal ball, not a barn dance! We can’t just let in any wandering urchins!”

“What if I had an invitation from Prince Erik?” said Fred, archly. The guards paused, suddenly unsure.

“Do you have an invitation?”

“Yes!”

“Can we see it?”

“Ah,” Fred rolled his eyes. “I seem to have left it with my tuxedo.” e brightened. “You don’t happen to know where the prince is, do you? He seems to have mislaid my invitation! I am quite sure he would recognise me at once.”

“Out, out!” shouted the guard, shooing Fred forward with his spear.

“No need for that!” said Fred. “I’m going!” He was beginning to feel a little grumpy. The two guards shut the ballroom door on him with twin snorts, and Fred found himself once more in the garden. The little mermaid squirmed in his arms. He looked down to see her awake.

“You alright there?” he asked. She nodded. “Shall I put you down?” She nodded again, and Fred set her gently on her feet.

Undine collapsed instantly, her face losing all colour. “Oh no,” said Fred, helping her up. “Is it that bad? Is it awful?”

She turned and threw up into an ornamental rose bush.

“I guess it is. Hmm.”

He waited politely while she emptied the contents of her stomach and then handed her his water bottle. The little mermaid wiped her lips, her eyes big and frightened. She looked at Fred, questioningly.

“I’m afraid I’m not having much luck so far,” he said. The one-sided conversation was rather unsettling. “I’m not sure what to do. Maybe we could go into the town I see down there and try to find some fancy clothes to sneak into the ball. That’s really all I can think of. I mean I could try to sneak in and drag the prince out by the scruff of his neck but his guards would probably - what? What is it?”

Fred turned, following Undine’s frantically pointing finger.

A young, handsomely dressed and extremely good-looking young man was walking the far end of the rose garden. His hands were clasped behind his back, his manner was pensive and brooding. Fred perked up.

“Is that your prince?” he asked Undine. She bobbed and nodded, a great smile spreading across her face. “Well that’s convenient,” murmured Fred.

He snatched Undine up into his arms once more and strode over to the surprised looking prince, plonking the surprised girl on a handy bench.  Prince Erick started, presumably a little taken aback at finding a half-naked tattooed wild man in his rose garden. “Um,” he said. Before he could say, or do anything else a movement caught Fred’s eye. He whirled, knocking a dagger out of the air with his staff.

Alice froze behind a bush, another dagger raised at shoulder height.

“Alice, so help me,” bellowed Fred, “if you kill my prince before we are done here I will kill you. You don’t want to fight me, do you?  No? I didn’t think so.” Alice backed away slowly, and then turned and ran. “Hmmff. Good choice. See you later. Bye!”

He turned back to the man he assumed to be Prince Erik with some satisfaction. “Where were we?”

The prince’s eyes were wide.

“Was that an assassin?” the prince clasped Fred’s hand. “Thank goodness you were here! Honestly, I get mistaken for my brother all the time, it's amazing that I’m still alive at all!”

“Are you Prince Eric?” Fred asked.

“Yes?”

“And you have a brother?”

“I have several.”

“That’s a relief.”

“What?”

“Never mind.” Fred stepped back and looked the prince up and down. The man had a jaw that could cut glass. But that hardly counted as a personality. But he was age appropriate. Fred heaved a sigh, drew out a dagger and angled it at the prince.

“See that girl over there? The one making rather disturbing googly eyes at you? Yes, her. Go and kiss her,” he said.

“What?” said Prince Erik.

Fred gestured impatiently at Undine who was glaring at him with narrowed emerald green eyes.

“Please. If you don’t kiss her she will turn into sea foam and die.”

“I don’t just go around kissing random hobos in the garden!” said the prince, affronted. Fred poked him gently with the tip of his dagger.

“We are not random hobos,” said Fred. “I’m Fred, and this is Undine, she’s a sea princess or something. Very nice to meet you. Now. Kiss.”

“I’m not just a piece of meat, you know,” said Erik.

“I mean, I get that,” said Fred. “I don’t know you from a bar of soap. But did you hear the bit where if you kiss her she doesn’t die? Also, I’ll stab you if you don’t.”

“No one ever considers what I want,” said the prince, plaintively. Fred waited. The prince sighed, and rolled his eyes. “Fine,” he said.

He leaned over and kissed the disgruntled little mermaid on the lips.

[ding! Congratulations! The Little Mermaid is Saved! 100XP]

For the second time in one night a magical mist spilled from her lips. The prince backed away in horror, falling backwards onto a rose bush. When it disappeared she was left, revealed in all her fishy glory. She did not look happy.

“That wasn’t romantic at all!” she shouted, waving her fist at Fred.

“Ah, got your voice back then,” said Fred. He scooped her up and carried her bodily towards the water. “Romance wasn’t the deal. The deal was a kiss.”

He chucked her into the sea. She shrieked and fell in with a great splash.

“Which you got! Now go and find a decent lad!” he shouted. “You promised!”

“I’m decent!” said the prince, looking hurt.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” yelled the little mermaid. She circled around with a vicious flick of her tail, showering Fred in water.

“Fine,” said Fred, wiping sea water off his face. “Fine. I’m not telling anyone what to do. But look, here is Erik, here is Undine. Both of you here, together, about to be unsupervised. You both have the use of your words, and arguably your minds. Why don’t you have a chat? If there’s real chemistry you can finish it off with a nice snog? How about that, ay?”

Erik and the mermaid looked at each other, eyes narrowed in a speculative fashion.

“I mean it,” said Erik, with a sniff. “Everyone treats me like I’m just… a coat rack. I’m not just here to pose for paintings!”

“Don’t you want to get to know me?” asked Undine, a frown marring her lovely face.

“I mean…maybe,” said Erik. “Are you a mermaid? That’s kind of interesting. But even so. I’m getting a little frustrated and you are just as bad. Both of you.”

“What?” said Undine.

“You’re just after my body,” said Erik. “You don’t care about me. You are not interested in my thoughts or my hobbies, or what I like for breakfast.”

“He has a point,” said Fred. Undine spluttered.

Fred turned to the prince.

“So, what do you like?” he asked. “What do you want out of life?” Prince Erik looked rather shocked. His admittedly very good-looking jaw dropped open.

“I-I don’t know.”

[ding! New Quest! Help Prince Erik Develop A Personality!]

[ding! Keep Prince Erik Alive!]