Sometimes it Goes away.

I went on Facebook recently and talked about how, the other night, some fucking piece of garbage shot a ton of super glue into the door lock of the studio that Merry Bad End uses to record songs and hold meetings. It's a studio that belongs to an extraordinarily talented man, who happens to not only be Merry Bad End's producer, but also the song writer for some of AKB48's songs (and by AKB48, I mean all of the groups... as he doesn't write JUST for AKB, but for the sister groups too), and several other groups that most of you listen to and love (and he takes a silent credit for. Trust me, I see you guys posting on Facebook some of the MVS of these group and have a quiet laugh to myself when I notice the comments talking about how amazing the song sounds... and it's all from the brain of MBE's producer). In fact, a little side story... one of these groups had a stupid fucking manager who insisted on pulling the volume of the music down SO low in the song that it would've ruined any type of actual live playing of the song AND what you all heard on the MV. This is a recent MV I saw posted too by a very popular-with-the-gaijin-crowd idol group. MBE's producer was so astonished at the level of stupidity by this manager, who has NO experience in recording whatsoever, that I WAS even consulted and brought into the discussion. NOT that I have much experience with recording (well, I did partake in recording some somewhat famous albums lol...), and I was shocked as well. I BEGGED MBE's producer to NOT give up fighting to have the volume turned UP, not DOWN, on the song, because otherwise this song would be ruined completely. 

Thankfully, MBE's producer didn't back down, and he was eventually heard and the song's music was turned up to a normal and appropriate level. But the stubborness of this pathetic shit manager nearly cost the group the integrity and quality of what turned out to be an excellent song (and MV too, I might add). Anyway, the point is that MBE's producer is not just working for MBE, but for a LOT of other groups too. He is kind of like a vertebrae in the backbone of idol music as we know it today.

And yeah, of course, some otaku shit on him and the MBE girls and staff (that includes me too), and sprayed all that super glue into the studio lock, costing MBE and myself both time and money that we both didn't have. And we are now fairly sure it was a shitty otaku because a person we suspected who might have done this, who is also an otaku, posted the ROOM NUMBER of the studio on his recently started Twitter account, right around the time that he must have did it.

I won't go into more details, because it's pointless I guess at this point to do so, and most of you have heard me talk about this already. But I wanted to say that it pulled my spirits down a LOT. I felt like... why am I doing any of this? And what's next? Hurting one of the MBE girls (GOD HELP THE POOR SOUL WHO TRIES TO DO THAT TO ONE OF THE GIRLS. THAT IS ALL I WILL SAY)? Is all of this worth it when all you get in return is a few dollars and vandalism and no thanks and no fans coming to your shows? 

I felt completely turned around in my thinking and feelings when I saw so many foreign fans respond to my post. It was like how you all came to the rescue when my cheki cameras decided to take massive shits on my face and break, and right when I needed them too. You guys went on Idol Underworld and bought the SHIT out of Merry Bad End's merchandise, selling out a LOT of it (don't worry! More is coming!). Not only that, but a few of you gave personally and privately to help pay for the 800 dollar locksmith bill. I can't thank all of you enough for that incredible display of human compassion and kindness. Not only because you helped Merry Bad End, but because you helped me feel like I am doing what I do because people like you exist out there. And yeah, I know I'm supposed to probably be talking about Covid because that is all anyone talks about anymore, but here in Japan, we still live in fantasy bubble land and have not seen any kind of overwhelming massive case explosions at hospitals. Our infection rates are going up, but a very smart scientist told me recently to NOT look at rate of infection but rate of death from the virus. That is what you have to worry about... if deaths start doubling and tripling in numbers overnight, then you got a fucking problem. Until then, it's all media over-hyping a bad situation and trying to make it sound apocalyptic, when the fact remains that over 98 percent and some change actually recover from the virus and over 50 some percent of people who get the virus don't even demonstrate symptoms. The world isn't ending yet because of Covid, and Japan, in some weird way, has managed to completely avoid all the hysteria and lockdown shit that's going on in the world. I'm not saying Japan SHOULD just keep acting like nothing will happen to it, because for all we know, we ARE a ticking time bomb waiting to go off... but you know what? Corona's been around since December... Tokyo's 500 intensive care beds for sick Covid patients aren't filled up or even being used right now, and again... it's been MONTHS. 

Just sayin... people are locked down and social distancing seems to be doing its job and I'm happy about this. People, please keep doing it, but in the meantime, here in fantasy land, the fantasies keep going. People are working, though not as much anymore by a longshot, as even here now, people are somewhat responding to what the rest of the world is doing. I'm all for whatever keeps that death rate from climbing, because my scientist friend KNOWS his motherfucking shit about this stuff, as he studied a lot of the past pandemics the world experienced, and he told me... it's ALL about that death rate. So, until I see the Tokyo government be honest and report numbers of deaths that begin to worry me, I ain't going to worry all that much. 

Of course, I won't hold my breathn (or wait... maybe I WILL hold my breath?) for Tokyo's government to be honest. They are all scam artists of the highest degree. Everybody in Japan knows that. What I will do is keep an eye on the rest of the world and worry for everybody who is going through such horrible, horrible bullshit and death and especially the Covid hot spots like NYC... this shit is more real to those people living there than ANYTHING else right now, and I can feel that and respect that with all my heart. And my heart goes out to them all.

Back to what I was saying... you guys managed to do something SUPER kind in the middle of a world crisis for a couple of idols and their staff who most of you have never met or even know... and I can't thank you enough for it. And you helped me too. And boy, did I need it....

See, Hanako San's CD debut live was yesterday evening, and Hanako asked me to be her buppan staff for the evening. She also wanted the photobook to be printed and ready by the live. That turned out to be extremely difficult to do and cost me a LOT of hours and money to make happen, but how could I say no to Hanako? She's one of the greats, a true iconic and unique idol, and I am FAR beyond privileged to work with her directly and know her life story (she told me it in my documentary, which hopefully you will all be seeing soon!). But sometimes being an idol support person is hard. REALLY hard. and tonight was SUPER hard.

I won't go into specifics really as to why it was difficult. It was just... I had to transport 100 books to her live, for starters, and the live house was over an hour away. I could barely WALK with the bag I was carrying all the books in (I don't own a working suitcase anymore), and I also had to wait for the books to arrive yesterday morning, which, apparently they did, but I had stayed up all night for the mail woman to deliver them and when she did, I must have dozed off for a few minutes and she had come at that exact time. She left no note though, which is weird for a Japanese delivery person to NOT do, and then I had to make a bunch of phone calls and sweat bullets until almost 2PM, until finally this mail lady came back with the books. The books cost me so much money per book that... yeah.... it was difficult.

The live was difficult too... I had nobody there who could speak English. I have a hard time sometimes with Hanako san's English, and her fans are truly the type of loners and rejects you would expect a ghost idol to have. They are all mostly nice guys, don't get me wrong, but a few of them were really drunk, and they were somewhat giving me a hard time about things. On the positive side, there were a LOT of fans there, about 40-ish or so, which I was happy to see for her debut. This included Mr. Perkele, who wrote some of her songs (he also played in Necroma's band when Necroma would actually play with a band, and I think I fucked his name up. I'm sorry if I did!). We talked for awhile, as we are somewhat friendly anytime we see each other, but other than him, I didn't know many people in the audience who I could at least relate to a little. And Hanako was busy and as crazy as ever. She had me blowing up a blow up doll so she could stick Shinzo Abe's face on it and then beat it with a broomstick onstage until it popped and died. That's just a small taste of the live and how nuts it was.  For Hanako though, it was business as usual. 

I did my best to help her, but it was not easy. One of the hardest things I've had to do for an idol. But I managed to get through it, but then it became SUPER late at night by the time we both could get out of the venue, due to cleanup and a host of other things going on, and yeah... I couldn't make my train back home. And I had not only the books to carry back that weren't sold (which were still a lot, unfortunately), BUT I also had even MORE merchandise to carry home, since Hanako San needed help because she couldn't carry it all either. 

So after barely being able to walk to a main street, I caught a cab ride back to where I live. It was a beautiful car ride in the middle of the night in Tokyo, and the streets were fairly empty, which made it even more beautiful, but... yeah... all the money I made on the show that night... gone in that taxi ride (my other option was to find a bench and sleep somewhere, I guess, but I still would not have been able to get home... I could NOT carry all that merchandise onto a train by myself... it was too much, and especially for a morning train). 

I am still happy as all hell that I got to be part of Hanako San's very special live, but I also felt, once again, like... why am I doing this? And not only that, but it's like lately, I'm dealing with so many producers who aren't taking me seriously or Idol Underworld either, or maybe they are, but it's like I'm always the last to know when a new member is added to a group, or a new merchandise item is being sold at a live, or even when a live is cancelled. All these things are important to keep me in on the loop because I can capitalize on all of these things to help make these groups more money and get them more promotion. Like one group added a new member and you would think they would let me know so I can take cheki of this member right away and get those cheki up on Idol Underworld, but yeah, so far, not a word. I realize that a lot of these groups are just as busy as me and will get around to telling me eventually or seeing me eventually and then business can be done, but... I dunno... it's like I feel I'm constantly fighting this uphill battle with idols and idol groups. 

Alot of it comes down to my lack of Japanese. If you saw me with the groups, you might think I'm okay because look at all that I've done up to this point with my limited Japanese... seriously, it's a miracle what I've accomplished. And I do know a lot of Japanese to get me through, but for example, if I can't have in depth conversations with some of these Japanese producers, and they realize I can only talk to them to a point before my Japanese skills run out... then they categorize me as possibly just that dude who takes cheki and sells merchandise and that's it and I'm not much more of a thought beyond that to them. I want to be THE person these groups turn to for all merchandise and marketing, when it comes to foreigners I mean. But how can I be when I can't hold basic conversations in Japanese for that long? And I've been here a few years... I should know this stuff, right? 

That's my own damn fault, so no pity or good words for me, please. I fucking just need to learn, but then when I look at how busy I am and my life as it is now... seriously, how the FUCK do I do this? Maybe if i had a Japanese girlfriend who spoke little English, that would be a great way to learn Japanese (and in the past, this was really true for me), but going to school here in Japan... tried to make that happen, but cost too much and I got the typical Japanese run around bullshit where Japanese people will try to talk me out of doing something with them, like paying them potentially thousands of dollars to take Nihongo lessons from them, or, you know, make several photobooks with their company. I dunno... it's just.... so difficult sometimes for me. And clearly from that last statement, I still don't understand how to navigate some of the Japanese cultural nuances that I experience here daily. I mean, I experience racism regularly here, but I've become okay with it (like nobody sitting down next to me during the summertime, because of my tattoos, and because I'm white, despite the seat next to me being the only open seat in a packed train, or just blatantly talking about me and thinking I can't understand them when I can). But it's hard to realize that what I do... is it really all that important or necessary?

I know it is. To many of you, I know it's essential to your lives and I appreciate that it is. Truly I do. I think I'm lucky beyond words to know so many of you personally and to even have met some of you in person. I feel lucky as all HELL that I get to do what I do everyday. I count my blessings, but maaaan... some days and some nights, I have to take a step back and wonder what the hell am I doing with my life? And last night, riding in the back of that cab, admiring the beautiful Tokyo cityscape.... tha'ts kind of what I did. It made me smile, but also made me hurt inside. 

You know, I am not rich. I never was, but I always wanted to be rich, in a way. Not because I want money for myself to to spend on myself. I wouldn't spend much... it's always been because I could then fast track my dreams into becoming reality. That's all. Lately, for example, I've been delving more deeper than usual into watching youtube videos of top ten NES games, or SUPER NES games, or checking out any new RPG videogame documentary that pops up online. I LOVE that rush of nostalgia I get from watching these videos. I want to make an RPG game someday. Something super epic and expansive and would require over a year to complete. I have the story already written... but I need millions of dollars to make that happen. 

Same with my books...been stuck on them for years because I took a big time out in writing regularly with them to do this whole idol thing... but I yearn to get back to writing them. But how can I write them when I have bills to pay and so far, the one book I did write hasn't paid for jack shit in my life? I need money or some kind of income activity that would give me enough hours in the day to finish all the books I want to write and have been writing. 

And of course, having a lot of money would mean I could expand idol to much farther and bigger heights in the world. I have an epic dream of doing a gigantic idol live at the Staples center in Los Angeles. Imagine that... forty idol groups just doing their thing ALL day there for like two or three days straight. An epic festival beyond all of our wildest dreams, with the biggest groups in idol, right down to the very tiniest. How great would that be? It would be like the defining moment of idols overseas. 

Hell, I would settle for a lovely two day festival in some city someplace with two or three groups headlining both days. I mean, even THAT dream would costs thousands and thousands of dollars. 

And look, I don't want charity, or handouts, because that should be given to people who are in dire need of money. I'm not in DIRE need. My DREAMS are in DIRE need of that money, and there is a difference. So..... for now, I just keep moving in the way I'm moving, trying to expand Idol underworld, but at some point... I just wonder if I'll get something right, or do something that would have thousands and thousands of dollars attached to it, or shit, since i'm daydreaming here... MILLIONS attached to it, and then... I can only say to myself... wait until the world sees what I do next. It would be HUGE, that's for sure.

Maybe it's not about doing something like a Staples show. Maybe my life right now is supposed to just be about making it through a CD debut show with forty-something people in attendance and dealing with unbelievable difficult things in times like this. Or maybe it's about mastering another language even though half of my life is pretty much over and it's statistically damn near impossible to master another language at the age I am at now. Or maybe it's about just grinding like I am now and not giving up, because all of you DO care and DO give a shit about all of this. You show me that over and over again with your kindness and support of the idols at Idol Underworld and your fervent belief in me and what I'm doing.

Maybe it's all these things that will lead one day to the kind of money I am hoping to have so that I can do all these things I just mentioned and be creative on a far more prolific level than what I'm doing today.

Or maybe it's none of these things. I have no idea what life will bring me next. And in idol, I should know by now that there is no loyalty in this business, and it's always, always always, one step forward, two steps backwards. You gotta play for a different reason besides winning, because that's impossible when the game is fixed before you even start to play it. Translate that how you will, and yes, I'm talking about the idol industry. 

Anyway, small story since you were all kind enough to get this far and listen to my 7AM rant (which these rants come when I usually don't sleep for two days straight, which is kind of what has happened now). So, recently, a producer of a favorite idol group of mind sent me the latest single by the group. It had several songs on it, so it's more like an ep than a single. I downloaded the songs and was swept away by how beautiful and incredible each track was. So different, so complex, with melodies that defy my imagination, and the idols singing the songs... fucking untouchable in many ways. 

I told the producer right away that I wanted to get this on Idol Underworld. I've known this producer a LOOOONG time. You know what he said to me? Well, you'll have to ask Tower Records because they are handling distribution.

Um... what the living fuck? 

Before, with ALL of the albums and singles from this group. I received it directly from the producer and with a gigantic handshake and sometimes even a beer in an izakaya.  Now I have to go talk to fucking Tower Records? 

This proceeded to kick off an hour long back and forth in messages where the producer was trying to explain how he thinks going with Tower Records would increase sales in Japan and also help expand the reach of the group. Sure... that's cool and all, but dude... YOU FUCKING MADE THE SONGS AND THE GROUP... You can throw me some CDS to sell at IU. He told me that he wanted to sell at my site and so, after about an hour of going back and forth, he said he got it "cleared" by the label... which he fucking created and owns. 

This guy also wants me to work for him soon as buppan/cheki staff, which of course I said yes because he asked me to do this before all of this happened via our messaging. 

Lesson learned. Truly. There is no loyalty in idol. I used to think that the idol adage I came up with, "here today, gone today," only applied to idols, but now it applies to me too... 

The sad part is that this is just how it is here in Japan. People can turn on you in an instant, like a fucking nano-second, and for even the silliest and dumbest of reasons. So I have to learn to be more careful with my feelings, something I've been trying to learn my whole life, because I act always out of passion for things I love and believe in. That is also kind of something I need to only share with the people who deserve it in my life.

Anyway, that's all. This is just one of those mind melts that I had in the AM. I got Merry Bad End's recording of their livestream coming up, plus I need to re-up on their merchandise, and also I'm going to take a fuck ton of cheki of them for upcoming cheki sets and what not. I'm also working on all the paperwork for Idol Underworld this month, since last month was the biggest sales month in the company's history, and I have stacks of groups to pay and schedule upcoming cheki sessions and merchandise receiving sessions with. Talk about joy of my life right there lol. Just kidding... this part I actually do not mind. I am happy to do anything relating to Idol underworld. 

Lately, I've been trying to find a way to get a wholesale discount program going with Fujifilm so I can buy cheki film at super discounted wholesale prices. I can then sell those cheki film to the idol groups. That would be really helpful to them, you know? I could make a lot of money that way, but I don't have the slightest clue how to do that. Maybe I can just ask them?

Anyway, I wish you all well. If you read this far, thank you so much. I feel okay. I am healthy, which is a blessing these days, and I also feel like despite the Corona bullshit asshole virus doing its thing in the world, my life is still busy as ever. I just gotta get focused. Get to where I need to go. And I plan to do that now as quickly as possible. Back to work for now. Love all of you! Stay safe and stay idol.