I walked around

to the other side of the dolmen where it was a bit quieter, and pulled the communication mug back out of my Elfintory.

"Yes, hello, are you there?" Ash was saying as I pulled the string and held the mug near my ear.

"I'm here," I replied.

"Sorry about the interruption," he muttered.  "Where was I when we left off?"

"You were somewhere near the edge of the forest," I reminded him.  "And a patrol of rabbits chased you away.  I thought they were your allies.  Why do you have to avoid them?"

"Just because I gave those pesky rabbits a few ideas doesn't mean they like me," Ash grumbled.  Had I touched a sore spot?  "They run everyone off from the forest.  This thankfully won't be an obstacle anymore since our mug-and-string device should work almost anywhere.  I had to be near the edge of the woods this time, just to make sure you received your half of the set.  Now then, what was I talking about when we left off?"

"I seem to recall something about a nightmarish dystopia where the ruling class are devoid of morality and elevate pragmatic dictatorship and villainy as an ideal to justify treating the population like an expendable resource," I replied breezily.  "Also, you were telling a story about tepidness."

"Ah yes," he replied, and I could hear the Unseelie grin in his voice.  "You see, a much larger empire had been harassing Vlad Tepid's country for years.  When Vlad finally decided to go on the offensive, he conquered one of their cities, but could not push any farther into their territory.  He was in a predicament because he did not have the men and resources to hold the city, but didn't want to have to fall back and fight the war on his own borders.  So, in a stroke of inspiration he had every man, woman, and child in that city impaled while still alive.  All of them.  Every last one.  When the empire's troops came through and found the city turned into a forest of impaled corpses, they were so terrified they turned and ran.  Vlad's kingdom was never invaded by that empire again.  That, my boy, is the power of Unseelieness:  Doing whatever it takes to succeed and turn defeat into victory.  When nothing is restricted, when nothing is off the table, then everything becomes so much easier.  That is the only way to run an empire."

"Yes yes, that's horrifying," I sighed, rolling my eyes at how unsurprised I was by this story.  "Why, not even Irenaeus would massacre noncombatants like that.  Not all of them, anyway.  REAL fiendish, your Mister Tepid."

After speaking to Ash only a few times, I was already becoming desensitized to his general horribleness.  He certainly liked to lay it on thick.  Did he just enjoy the sound of his own voice?  Maybe he was just desperate to talk to another elf that wasn't the Duchess and her idiot son-nephews.  He did seem to be earnestly trying to mentor me, but his gleeful villainy was frankly off-putting.  If he was the arch-schemer he claimed to be, I'd have to guess that he actually wanted me to hate him and was playing mind games to that end.  Otherwise he was just socially inept.  Maybe it was a little bit of both.

"Now then," Ash smirked, apparently mistaking my thoughtful pause for a shocked silence.  "The clock is ticking.  That should be enough questions.  Let's move on to the real reason for this conversation:  My employment in Your Highness' service."

"Yes, lets - hold on," I said, then covered the mug with my hand as a fresh burst of noise wafted across the clearing.  "KEEP IT DOWN OVER THERE!  I'm trying to talk to Ash!"

Of course they completely ignored me as Burnside continued growling and Ixies placed bets on how destructive her rampage would be when she finally got those boots off.

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