JACG Chapter 74 ( Unsure)

There was an awkward heavy pause between us now. The previous topic may not have been particularly heavy but it touched a rather sore subject between us. The guilt and shame I felt were still boiling in my gut at my own decisions. I can imagine that she was feeling similar even if I did not want that to be true.

I tried to change the subject but my attempt was always going to be a failure. My Mother usually did not have anything going on in her own life because of my Father. Now that he was out of the picture that should change but it was too early. She was also not willing to bring up that particular elephant for some reason. So it was doomed from the start.

I could only quietly sip my tea as the mood sat between us. This situation may be heavy and awkward but it was certainly not the worst case. I was not spiraling into myself which was already a major victory as far as I was concerned.

My mother was sipping her own tea with the same sort of contemplative look that was adorned on my own face. We both had a lot on our minds. Or maybe were far too introspective for our own good.

The mood was not going to last forever, something was bound to crack eventually. Instead of my own awkward mood changing the air my Mother took the first step.

“This potion really is something, Severus.” She let out quietly as she looked over at me with her eyes glinting. She may have certain feelings about the subject but she was proud of what I did regardless.

It caused a small amount of warmth to spread inside of me. I was not one to search for validation from a parental figure, it was just not in my nature. Still, while I did not search for this validation it was nice to have it. Nicer than I thought it could be.

“I’m a genius after all,” I announced with a smug joking smile on my face. I wanted to lighten the mood with these small actions.

“I guess you are.” Again she let out quietly. The warmth still shone in her eyes even as another flash of guilt spread within them. I let out a sigh internally. She was not capable of not blaming herself. Another trait I shared with my Mother.

A different emotion flashed in her eyes as she watched me. It was rather odd as she was displaying worry for me. Before I could understand that worry as I was in a dark space. Now it was unneeded even if I was still not mentally sound. 

“My family has not reached out to you, right? ” She questioned out with the same worry dyeing her tone. I raised an eyebrow quizzically at her. Usually, my mother tried her very best to not bring up her family. She blamed them for a large part of her suffering even if the major target of her blame was herself.

“I don’t think they would bother getting off of their high horses for something like this Mother,” I spoke out reassuringly. I don’t know why she was bringing this up but I can tell her the truth in this situation. The Prince's family had a lot more to worry about than my potions. I was also not selling any of my potions right now anyway.

She let out a quiet chuckle at my words. She knew how her family usually treated me and my words were rather fitting. Those smug cunts will regret not showering me with praise. I was the best thing since sliced bread and they would eventually find that out.

“Good, good.” She let out quietly as she looked at the sitting room. She then averted her gaze rather quickly. I examined her actions and thought about them for a moment.

Did she think her family finally had enough and murdered her husband? It would fit in her worry and she did not have a large list of suspects. Is that why she was hiding it from me? She was worried that her family would take action if I found out. That they were only tolerating my existence because I was talented?

It made sense. Her family was rather clear that they hated my Father. So finding his cooling corpse with his neck snapped it would be reasonable to blame her family. It was not like I was on the list of suspects even if I did hate him. I was supposed to be in Hogwarts when it happened after all. In addition, I never took action before why would now be different? 

Again that last thought had shame building up in my chest. Those feelings are something I would have to get used to if I wanted to mend bridges with her.

“They are probably far too worried to care about my potions right now.” I let out calmly with a soft chuckle accompanying it. With a large amount of their assets suddenly missing I expect they are freaking out. 

“What do you mean?” My mother questioned with confusion clear on her face. I gave her an equally confused look for a moment. She should know about the Prince's vault being robbed right? I had barely kept track of the gossip going around in Diagon but it was fairly clear that the topic was pretty fucking prevalent.

Actually, now that I was thinking about it my Mother was not in touch with the rest of the magical world. She tried her very best to not bring up magic in front of my father. That meant that she had to cut out friends and other things from her life. She could not even get news from the daily prophet. It would make sense if she had no idea about what was going on with her family.

So I let the confused look fade from my face as I look back at her.

“The Prince's vault was robbed. Everyone and anyone is talking about it right now.” I let out calmly with a small smile on my face. I did not want her to think I was involved in it even if I was. The topic was actually loud enough to take some of the heat off of the coming war. Not for very long but it was still the it topic for a while.

“Is that so?” She questioned with a light smile on her face. She was not all that happy with her family. When it became clear that I had magic she all but begged her family to provide funds so I could attend Hogwarts without working my ass off. They refused saying that I was a dirty thing that did not deserve a single knut from them.

Another memory that caused bitter feelings to turn in my stomach. I blamed my Mother for so much in my life but she tried. She let go of her nonexistent pride to beg her family for support not for her but for me. Yet, I allowed that memory to fade to the back of my mind as I ran from those feelings.

The quiet mood between us no longer felt as awkward. I was happy with the change. I was originally planning on bringing up my Father’s death later but it looks like it was unneeded. She was not broken up about it and she felt no need to tell me about it. I was not going to break the subtle protection she was trying to provide.

I was fine with this quiet mood but my Mother was apparently not. As she brought up another subject as I quietly sipped my tea. 

“So when are you heading off to Lily’s?” She questioned with a small indulgent smile on her face. The question caused me to choke on my tea for a moment. I was not expecting this particular topic but I really should have. I all but glued myself to Lily’s side for so long. The fact that I was at home at all was the strange part.

I looked awkwardly at my cup as I tried to parse the words I should say to that question.

“I wanted to share my good news with you. With my research done on the potion, I should be able to provide for us. We can move into a much better home.” I spoke out quietly looking at my Mother. I let out the unsaid part that my Father would have no part in this. She knew how I felt about him and how he felt about me. She also thought I knew nothing about his death.

For the longest time, I wanted to change my life only for me. Now that I had the ability I wanted to provide her a world that was kinder to the lovestruck women before me. A world kind enough that she could heal from the wounds plaguing her mind.

Again she refused to meet my gaze as she stared at her cup. She was holding things back from me and she felt like she did not deserve the life I was promising. I hated that she felt that way but it was the way it was. If she felt like she deserved all this pain I would prove to her that she did not. It was as simple as that.

She finally managed to gather the courage to look at my serious gaze. As she looked into my eyes her already crumbling resolve faded as she saw how I felt about this.

“Okay, Severus.” She let out quietly. She was not prepared for the sudden change but she was willing to move away from this house that bound her for so long. 

“Money, good looks, and your puppy like attitude must have Lily finally accepting your pursuit.” She let out with another light smile on her face. She did not want to dwell on the heavier topics and she felt like this one would be safer. Instead, it led to another awkward silence between us.

I was able to divert this conversation before but that was no longer possible. I was sure she would be able to tell I was avoiding it if I did it again. I might as well pull the bandage back now. It was not like these memories were all that bad in comparison to how I felt about my Mother.

“Lily and I are not exactly talking right now.” I let out with an awkward smile on my face. Those words and my expression suddenly had my mother shooting me a worried look. She knew how I felt about Lily so us having a bad relationship should be hurting me.

“I’m rather cross with her right now, She has a lot to make up to me before I even consider talking to her.” I let out quickly to ensure she did not think about my pain for too long. If I was the one upset that meant that I would be better off in comparison to Lily being mad at me. At least that was what I thought my Mother would think.

I let go of Lily and I was not willing to let those bitter memories dominate me. Perhaps one day I would be willing to talk to her again. All I knew was I was not the one that was going to mend that bridge between us.

My Mother gave me a sad smile as she took in my words. No matter what I said she would think I was hurt. She would be right if this conversation happened earlier but I was better now. No longer as haunted as I once was. I was just not sure how I could prove that. Actually, I think I had another card up my sleeve.

“I do have something to report about my romantic prospects. I have a girlfriend now, her name is Ashley.” I let out as a small smile bloomed on my face again. The sad look in my Mother’s eyes faded as she took in my statement. It was replaced with a confused look but she did seem happy for me.

I was just going to have to field questions about my girlfriend for a small bit. It was a small price to pay to have my mother no longer worried about me.

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convo done with Mother for now