Queen of the Monsters Part 1

(contains evil foreshadowing of a kaiju nature)

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In space, no one can hear your producer chewing your ass out for the fifth time in a solar cycle.

Ah, Alien! Now that’s a cool movie. Cevok wished she could watch that right now instead of sitting on the production ship. A shame they never gave the starring monster enough face time. Everything has to be done in fast close ups and odd body part focus shots for the whole ‘spooky’ aspect. Just thinking about those amazing things, those Xenomorphs, made her grey canine-like tail wag. Getting to meet one of them was a major factor in her signing up for an ‘on location’ filming tour.

“Okay!” Grails barked, snapping his underpaid writer out of her daydreaming. His flopped rottweiler ears dipped up and down several times while one hand rubbed his nose bridge under a pair of square glasses. “Let’s go over this again in the simplest way possible; how can it all be FAKE?”

Cevok wasn’t phased by the last word being emphasised at max volume. The demi-wolf shot what she hoped was a comforting glance to the confused fox sitting beside her before coughing. “It pretty much explains itself, sir. Our talent scouts reported all the same results. They questioned several of the advanced humans on Earth, the ones that didn’t run away or attack, and it appears the creatures we wanted to hire don’t actually exist.”

“How is that even possible?” Grails let his glasses fall back into place so he could wipe his brow. Poor guy perspired so much his brown skin glistened in the conference room lights. “We’ve been importing entertainment from Earth signals for several stellar-cycles. Hell, it’s spike in ratings beat out all our home planet shows. Godzilla is way too big and handsome to fake tidal waves. We saw the buildings topple over.”

“Uh, yeah. Turns out Godzilla himself is fake.”

“Are you shitting me!?”

“Not at all.” Cevok flicked her left wrist, activating the projected green screen of her personal data pad for all to see. With a few taps from her dark-nailed, slender fingers, various pictures of ‘monsters’ from her favorite earth movies popped on display. “The humans have invented an amazing post-editing technique called Computer-Generated Images.”

The tip of Grails’ short, thin tail perked. “They can make images on computers now?”

“I know, right? They can use this to create whole actors out of nothing. Sometimes they even build puppet monsters called animatronics. It’s innovative for a species that hasn’t made interstellar travel yet.”

“Incidentally, you guys wiped the memories of those humans interviewed?”

It was the fox that answered with a scoffing eye roll. “No sir, we’re completely irresponsible. That’s why we’re only just now trying to hire fake monsters for a movie shoot less than a megacycle away from Earth.”

“Shut up, Usur.” Grails couldn’t find the energy to raise his voice despite the lip from his director. Damn fox was lucky he had a resume of three supernova tier films on his belt, or he’d be enjoying a trip back to the main systems via the airlock. “You’re the one who should be more worried about this than me. We know nothing about the humans’ style of acting to non-existent costars.”

“If you can call what they do in front of cameras acting,” Usur said with an air of boredom. “Just call in some B-stars to play the monsters. We’re a bit out of the way, but we can still start filming reaction scenes until they arrive.”

“How far is that fluffy tail shoved up your butt? My project was sold specifically as ‘the first all Earth cast’ movie. All our reputations are going to tank if we get out of system stars to sign on.”

Cevok continued adjusting notes to her day planner while she had the wrist device activated. “I’m guessing cutting our losses and going home isn’t an option?”

Grails shuddered. The mere thought seemed to add fear to his already high stress. “You want to explain to twelve corporate tie-in’s why there’s suddenly nothing for their investment? This contract got me by the balls, and we’re already behind schedule.”

“So what’s our plan going forward?”

Usur’s lips flapped with a rapid blowing noise, eyes checking his own wrist com for messages. “Why don’t we just make a few monsters out of the humans and be done with it?”

It took the demi-fox several seconds to realize his crew mates were staring at him in wide-eyed interest.

“I, uh, I mean, we blew much of the budget bringing an expert make-up and effects ship on this fleet. They have an entire bank of DNA from every species ever put on screen, plus a few of the best stars.”

“You’re talking about the gene splicers?” Cevok’s ears folded at her complete loss. “I don’t follow you. I thought that stuff is just for modifying an actor’s physiology for cosmetic purposes or, heaven forbid, healing injuries.”

“Yeah, that’s not a dangerous train of thought!” Grails rubbed his chin. Something about the gleam in her producer’s eye made Cevok worry. “We hire some random humans, gene splice them with a bit of star powered DNA, and we got our monster movie for a cheaper salary than Cloverfield might have asked for.”

Usur flinched. “Please tell me we’re not doing a shaking camera style. We’ll make half the galaxy vomit.”

Covek ignored that for higher priorities. “Am I the only one that’s worried how illegal that sounds?”

“Not at all,” Grails countered with a dismissive wave. “We’re just applying a quick makeup change to some extras, let them fight for a bit, and change them back with a generous compensation package. It’ll only break a few system laws if humans get hurt. This process won’t hurt them, right?”

“I mean, probably not?” A few quick database searches brought up what information Covek had on the latest genetic design technology. “Preliminary testing showed human DNA is very basic, making it easy to change in severely heavy ways.”

“So nothing to worry about!” Usur finished a social media post airing his relief. “I bet we got Nora Cole’s DNA on file. Critic’s always say she’s like a cousin to Godzilla.”

Covek’s cheeks flushed. “Isn’t she also the best lizard porn star in the galaxy?”

“Perfect!” Grails exclaimed. His full attention remained with Usur. “A female Godzilla will sell better, anyway. Let’s give her something fluffy as a rival to battle. How are relations with the rabbit planets these days?”

“I don’t think they’d react well to such a role,” Covek said, swiping through several screens of consensus research. She promptly shook her head with an angry growl. “And again, I feel we’re missing a few key steps in such a very controversial casting method.”

“You’re right. Let’s go for a cat as our ‘rival’ monster. They studio executives have been saying there’s not enough feline representation lately.”

“That’s not even close to what I…”

Speakers crackled to life overhead, cutting through the trios dangerous scheming.

Attention film crew. We have reached our destination of planet Earth. All essential stage hands please report for assignments.

“Good. We have a plan to save this disaster now.” Grails rose from his chair straightening out the cuffs of his suit.

Covek was still in too much shock to mimic the gesture, unlike Usur. “I’m under the exact opposite impression, sir.”

“Well, unless you have a better idea I’d start getting in step. Now I better go talk to the ship captains about a landing spot for headquarters. You and Usur look through the nearest cities for some humans to gene splice.”

“But... I... you…” Covek’s wolf ears dropped so fast Usur could hear them slapping her head. She looked desperately at the fox director. “What the actual hell are we doing?”

All he could offer was a shrug of minimal comfort. “Either I’m about to make the fourth supernova earning film of my career, or we’re all going to end up sued so deep into prison they’ll give us the death penalty.”

“... and to think my mom wanted me to be a hairdresser.”