Disney Profit Authority

Summary: What happens when a variant Loki decides it is time to transition, the gods of profit decide to react.

“Brother! Brother! Brother! It’s it! It’s it! Today’s the day! Today is the day!” Loki skipped along the halls of Asguard’s palace. “Brother? Brother? Oh for brother, where art thou?” Loki nearly danced her way into Thor’s room.

“Sister?” Thor popped his head up, shirtless, and with his pants still unlaced as he tossed the sheets over whoever it might be that was hiding back in his bed.

“Brother!”

“Sister.” Thor agreed but with much less enthusiasm.

“Brother!” Loki repeated, louder and happier.

“Yes sister?”

“Tis the day!”

“Tis what day?”

“The day brother!”

“The day of…” Thor lead with a questionative shrug.

“The day brother.” Loki shook her head for emphasis before shimmering herself between her physical and preferred forms.

Recognition flashed across Thor’s face. “Today! Of all the branches in the world’s tree! Today? It’s today!”

“Tis today brother!” Loki repeated with glee.

“I- ha! Good tidings then!”

“More than that brother, good tiddies!” Loki gleamed as she gestured to her chest.

“Yes… yes, I, how about you give me a moment’s time to get dressed and I’ll walk you over.”

“Thank you brother!”

“Now, be gone with yourself. I’ve to change before we depart!” Thor waved his sister away before slamming the heavy door.

In no time at all, the two found themselves meandering down the way. “I’m excited! Aren’t you excited? It is much a thing to be excited about!”

“You are happy, and for that, I am happy for you.” Thor allowed.

“Come now brother!” Loki leaned over, brimming with all her delighted glee.

“Honest?” Thor questioned simply.

“Of course!”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

Loki contorted her face to present her confusion. “What is there to not understand, I am not…”

“Of course you’re not! You are my sister! I just… fail to comprehend the purpose?” He squinted almost apologetically.

“Why wouldn’t there be a purpose?”

“Because… you… you’re a shapeshifter.” Thor’s brows furrowed as he tried to politely answer. “What exactly is the point of starting hormones to look different when you can literally choose your form; anything from man to woman, to living dragon.”

“Well… there is more to it than that… hormones can change more than just physicality.”

“They can?”

“Yes. But, even if that were not the case, I would still want it.”

“But… why?”

“Because! I can produce all the illusions in the world; even if they are just to appear more myself, there can still be something nice about being able to take it all off and still be one’s self. You- you have your beloved humans? One of their women; one just like me, wearing those… cutlets and clothes to accentuate her body in a more feminine way could already look how she wants and still do their equivalent. You wouldn’t ask her why either, would you?”

“Hmm… no, I guess not.” Thor made a small pout as he seemed to process the logic.

“Even if I don’t stop changing my form… it would be nice to be able to strip all of it away and still be me.”

“Hmmph! Well then, I guess it’s time you get going.”

“Huh? What?”

“We’re here.” Thor threw up a thumb in the direction of the clinic.

“I! Oh! Ah…” Loki squared herself up with the building. “So we’re here already…”

“That we are.” Thor nodded patiently.

“Good! Aha, yes, this is good. Very, very good. It’s very good.” Loki stepped forward and back then repeated. Her arms swung back and forth, trying to summon up the momentum to keep her going.

“Are you alright?” Thor lingered in the question.

“Yeah! Of course!” Loki’s voice cracked.

“Are you sure, sister?”

“No, nope, no, not at all.”

“Then maybe…”

“Just scared, anxious, worried, concerned, terrified, trepidatious, impatient, needful, desperate, dysphoric, scared…”

“You need not prove your silver tongue nor familiarity with the thesaurus to me sister.”

“I know, I know, I know.”

“Then why aare you stalling?”

“Stalling! I! Why I would do nothing of the sort ever! In fact, I’d have half a mind to stand here and lecture you for an hour on just how wrong you are; how outrageous an inclination-”

“Sister?”

“Yes brother?”

“Would you hold this for me?” Thor held out his hammer.

“Why would I-”

“Just hold it.”

“Are you trying to throw out my back again? That was not kind! I was-” Loki ranted but took handle of the weapon all the same.”

“And this goes around here… and…” Thor wrapped the strap around Loki’s wrist and patted her on the back. “I’m proud of you.” He offered.

“Proud- proud of wha~ AAAAAAAH!” All Thor needed to do was flick his hammer and it went flying, breaking through the door and dragging Loki along with it.

“That’s Ms. Loki Laufison. She’s here for her appointment.”

“I-” Loki glanced at the desk person. “Don’t you want your hammer back brother?”

“What do I want with a hammer? I have an axe.” Thor called to himself his newer axe before waving his goodbye and flying off.

“Bloody hell.” Loki hissed and tried to lift the hammer free of the desk.

“Do you want a rolly chair for that?” The desk person offered.

“I- yes, if you wouldn’t mind?” Loki winced and struggled to get herself out of the wrist strap.

“Alright, we’ll get that for you and get you into the doctor as soon as we can.”

“Yes, and you- you don’t happen to have any… medical instruments that could free me from this?” Loki inquired of her doctor and fought to lift the hammer- “Did- did it just budge?”

“Hmm? Oh? It is on a rolling chair.” Her doctor shrugged.

“Yes, yes…”

“So, as I was saying, your blood work looks good. Fully healthy for a frost giant. And…”

“Boring, can I? Is it- am I ready for-” Loki stammered impatiently.

“I was getting there, but… yes. I brought the estrogen with me. We can administer it now. Your blockers can be obtained down the street.”

“Wait! Wait! Really!” Loki shot up, nearly dislocating her arm as her wrist was still caught in Mjolnir’s strap.

“Yes, really. If you want. We don’t have to do it today, if you-”

“No, no, no. Today, today please!” She jumped to assure.

“Alright then, lets go.”

With her skirt hiked up on one side, Loki braced herself, leaning against the patient table. Anxiously, she waited for the doctor to prep the area, then the needle, then “Little pinch” and…

The pinch came, so did the sting of the cold fluid, but then… the pinch didn’t go away. The sound of the other man’s breathing stopped, and- so did all other sound. “What- what’s going on back there? Are you alright? Can I put my skirt down?” Loki shivered with embarrassment; something woefully uncommon for a Loki.

“That’s her, get her!”

“What?” Loki hissed.

“Loki Laufison, you are being remanded into the custody of the DPA, you will be charged with your Qrimes and sentenced to the appropriate straghtification and white washing as the executives demand.” A familiar collar snapped around Loki’s neck as the demanding voice finished.

“DPA? What the hell’s a DPA?”

“Disney Profit Authority, now come with us.”

“What-” Loki snapped as she was turned around. “Wait! Isn’t- aren’t those the same dimensional doors the TVA used? Arte you all just a variant of that? What happened? I thought the Lokis destroyed you!”

“Ah yes, Loki season one” One of the armed assailants reminisce.

“Glorious profits.”

“You know, some say that was the one that really launched the streaming service?”

“Are you ignoring Wandavision?”

“What about Falcon and the Winter Soldier.”

“No, the woke fanbase saw through the overwhelming pandering and the neckbeards got mad.”

“Praise be to the neckbeards with the open wallets.”

“PRAISE BE TO THE NECKBEARDS WITH THE OPEN WALLETS!” They all echoed.

“What in the hell is a ‘neckbeard’?” Loki fought as the assailants forced her over to the glowing door and through it.

“Hey! Hey! Let go of me! Hands off there!” Loki hissed and swatted an overly handsy officer away.

“This is the new offender.” One of the agent asailents pushed Loki forward along with the rolly chair she was more or less tied to due to the hammer. She didn’t even try to lift it now. Instead, she just sat down on what was left of the chair and hoped to avoid any more wandering hands.

“What am I here for! This! It is the TVA! I! I thought the Lokis took you down!”

“I told you, this isn’t the Time Variant Authority.”

“Well, whatever you are, it got fixed! I know I’m a variant, but we all got sent back home; to be happy and sad, all in the ways we naturally should.”

“You were. But someone had to go and break the other rules!”

“Throw her in the holding room! Wait just enough time for a basic jump cut, and then send in some vaguely famous celebrity with good comedic timing to explain it to her!”

“What- what do you want with-” Loki reeled only to have her chair be kicked into a familiar interrogation room. She could remember it, she had been held there and shown moments of her life; or the life the Time Variant Authority wanted her to have. This time however, it seemed to be playing… movies? Well cut together though painfully bland in shot composition videos of… Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, The Guardians of the Galaxy, The Avengers, and what seemed to be a good amount of others. Idly, she flipped through it, observing on multiple times speed.

“Oh Wooooow.” A voice greeted a moment after the door clicked open

“Luke Wilson?” Loki questioned

“Huh, no, that’s my brother. I’m Strip.”

“I-” Loki squinted. “Whatever! Why am I here?” Loki demanded.

“Oh, you? You’re here for your Qrimes against the PPM.”

“Qrimes? Why- why are you saying it weirdly like that? And… what’s a PPM? Have you lot ever considered… not giving everything a ridiculous acronym?”

“Oh, Woooow. You didn’t know? PPM? That’s Disney’s grand plan, the Perpetual Profit Machine! Pump out mediocre media enjoyed by children endlessly till you have enough you can forever release repetitive remakes and feed on the nostalgia… endless profits!”

“Let’s just go ahead and pretend that’s not evil.” Loki shook her head with disgust. “What crimes did I commit exactly?

“Qrimes.” Strip corrected.

“What the hell is a Qrime?”

“A crime, of uncensored queerness. We need to quash those early on?”

“I’m sorry, a crime of uncensored queerness?”

“Yes,” Strip pulled up the moments before the DPA raided Loki and her doctor. “This, you see this?” He played and replayed the doctor injecting Loki with her hormones. “We can’t be having this shit.”

“Shit! You!” Loki launched from her chair, half growling only to be reset. “It’s not-”

“Fine then, unmarketable to an international audience. Whatever you want to call it.”

“Unmarketable! I don’t give a damn! I’m me! What does it matter if I’m trans”

Strip hissed. “See, that’s the thing, we don’t explicitly mind you being trans. In fact, it’s encouraged for one or two characters in a story line to have a passable amount of queer subtext. It just can’t be enough that the neckbeards or China or anyone gets the hint.”

“What?” Loki shook her head.

“Ok, so… this,” Strip flicked to a still image of Loki with her magic up to display herself as fully feminine. “And maybe just a little bit of subtext, is fine. You know, a vague reference to playing on a boys team, maybe that you are really uncomfortable at the beach or something, anything more overt than that, and we have to prune straightify your story.”

“What’s the difference, I’ve always been trans, what is the big deal now?”

“Because, now you are actively being queer rather than hiding it.” Strip sighed.

A loud beep emanated from an intercom before Loki could reply. “Strip, hows it going with the trans Loki?”

“Ah, she’s not really getting it.” Strip answered.

“Checking the tapes- nope, no she’s not.”

“Eh, screw it, I’m just going to give her some time to watch the whole multi billion dollar film history.” He glanced back to Loki and passed a clicker off to her. “Watch what you can, I’ll be back when I finish with my other cases.”

“Why the hell-”

“Just watch, you’ll get it.” Strip shrugged and left.

Figuring that she was not just trapped by the collar, but also by Mjolnir’s strap, Loki rolled her eyes and got as comfy as she could.

Twenty three films, three tv serieses, several awkward bathroom breaks, and something just shy of seventy hours of sitting through it all, and maybe a side excursion or two; she was a Loki after all, Loki began yelling at the walls. “STRIP! Strip! I watched it all! All of your pent up homoerotic fuckfest of dude broisms!”

“Well, at least we know you really watched them.” Strip walked in chipper and with a clipboard under his arm.

“You… turned us into movies…”

“And tv shows that will never air on cable; the streaming was a big big money marker.”

“I suppose there truly is no accounting for taste.” Loki’s face scrunched up in disgust.

“Never, not once in any single timeline.” Strip agreed. “But, do you see your issue now?”

“No.” Loki bawked. “Bucky clearly spent at least four movies in an ark desperately and patiently waiting to toss Cap’s salad.”

“Yes, but he did it silently and unsuccessfully.”

“And what about he and Sam arguing over their boyfriend?”

“Subtext.”

“What about the lesbian valkerie with the biggest girl dick energy I’ve ever seen?”

“Subtext.”

“She had a giant gun in front of her crotch.”

“Plenty of neckbeards loved that… they didn’t love that a woman of color got a speaking role tho.” Strip frowned.

“And the fact that your new spiderman is clearly the twinkiest twink that has ever twinked?”

“He gets good ratings and has good chemistry with Zendaya.”

“Zenda- whatever… what about Sam and Buckey! They were both clearly mourning their boyfriend and I know they tossed around far more than just a shield!”

“All subtext.” Strip made quite the face.”

“They stared into eachother’s eyes for over a minute!”

“Subtext.”

“In couples therapy!”

“Sub-text.” Strip popped his words.

“Of all the valkeries in Asguard… I presume you lot think that Captin Marvel and Monica were just good friends.”

“Now you’re getting it! They were just gal pals!”

“With a kid!”

“Oh, the kid wasn’t theirs. Plus, Captain Marvel left Monica to die alone, and we all know it’s ok if you kill your gays.”

“Kill your gays!?”

Strip nodded unabashedly.

“Oh my- then why didn’t Fin or Poe get killed in that space movie?”

“Oh, them? Yeah… we had to do a lot; gave each of them like four female love interests to try and counter out their overwhelming chemistry.”

“I could tell, that last movie was kind of a mess.”

“They all were.”

“Ok, ok, but what about me! Literal me! The Lokis that helped take down the TVA?”

“Ah, yes, now you’re getting it!”

“Getting what?! They both openly admitted that they were interested in both men and women!”

“Yeah, but it was so fast, and it could be edited out so easily and… oh, you know, it’s just like the lesbians kissing at the end of the last Star Wars!”

“There were lesbians kissing at the end of the last Star Wars?”

“Now you get it! Blink and you miss it inclusion! Gets the politically correct crowd all happy and it is small enough that we can clip it out in all the countries that don’t so much appreciate the representation.”

“It’s all about the visuals and pretending to care for money.”

“By George, I think she’s got it!”

“And you can’t let me transition because it is too overtly queer… because some idiots would be too mad about a trans woman… existing.”

“And bingo was her name, Oh! N’ you see, then they would stop giving us money! Er- well, they won’t stop because they can’t, but they’ll give us a couple bucks less, and the Disney corporation can’t have that.”

“But… but… What’s so wrong with some people being gay or trans… or whatever?”

“Things with people like that are restricted or blocked in some countries, often it gets rated as being for adults and that limits the market, some just think it is wrong or disgusting, frankly, we don’t care. We just do and enforce what brings in the money.”

“Wrong or disgusting! You had a whole show about a romance between two Lokis! How is selfcest not wrong or disgusting.”

“I don’t choose what people like or hate, I just abide by what they buy.” Strip gave the most pathetic little shrug.

“It’s… all greed?”

“Exactly, I’m glad you get it!”

“So, then… what do you want? What is even the point of this? I can’t just not be me!”

“Oh you can, you can and we can help if you need.” Strip offered politely; as if such a thing could be offered politely.

“No, just no!”

“Welp, I guess that settles it, we need to straightify you.” Strip slapped his hands on the desk and began to stand up

“What?” Loki reeled

“We’ll erace your queerness and make sure you are tolerable to as many profitable audiences as possible.”

“I- you’ll get rid of my transness.”

“And most non-subtextual gayness lingering.”

“But- but? Will I still be the woman I am?”

Strip gave a joyous guttural laugh. “No, we already had a woman Loki and a black Loki. We hit the prime minimum marketing inclusion already.”

“So, I’ll just be a cis man?” Loki could feel her own hollow voice echo in the near empty room. Could she actually live like that? At least it would be better than being forced to live in the closet, to suppress her gender, right?

“Or a closeted trans woman, we don’t really care which.”

“You’ll just force me to be closeted?”

“Most likely, it’s much easier." Strip groaned. "Welp, time to go. Let's get you straightened out." He stepped in closet and went to grab Loki by her cape.

"N-no!" Loki pushed off of the desk and rolled away.

"Come on you petulant little queer!" Strip reached for her again.

"Back off!" Loki screamed as she threw her previously presumed trapped hand up along with the hammer.

"Ah! Shit! What the hell was that for?"

"I! I! Mjolnir! It! I'm holding Mjolnir! I'm! I'm worthy!" Loki cheered in bafflement.

“Of course you’re worthy, in all two hundred and twenty seven timelines when a Loki is worthy, it is after becoming their actualized true self”

“But… then doesn’t that mean I’m doing the right thing?”

“Not if you’re going to be so gay about it that we can’t air this in China!” Strip extended his weapon with a nice little flourish.

Loki tossed the hammer between her hands with utter delight. “Oh, this is going to be fun!” Overjoyed, she summoned the hammer’s thunder and used it to destroy her collar.

“I- you’re not supposed to be able to do that!”

“I’m apparently not supposed to be trans either.” Loki shrugged and tossed the hammer at Strip’s hand, shattering his weapon. She took a step to her right and recalled the hammer the moment after it passed him. Just like a boomerang, the hammer caught Strip from behind and knocked him over.

“Oof! Hey! What the-” He screamed in pain as Loki laid Mjolnir over his back.

“I have two questions.” Loki hissed into Strip’s ear.

“F- fine! Whatever! Just! Just let me go!”

Loki lifted the hammer ever so slightly, just enough that the man was not being crushed. “Why am I still able to do my magic here?”

“I- uugh… I have… have a tablet, right pocket… might have answer.”

“Good.” Loki plucked the device from his pocket. It took her only a moment to check and find that it flashed with a warning.

*** Queerient biological variation detected ***

“What does this mean?”

“Ah shit, the anti magic field isn’t back up here yet, and the collar was supposed to lock onto your biochemistry and shut down your magic.”

“The bio chemistry that was being modified the moment you all came to capture me?”

“I never said we were the smartest lot.”

“Obviously.” Loki rolled her eyes. “Now, what do you mean about my actualized true self being worthy? Is it because I started hormones? That’s… well, it’s rather transmedicalist of the hammer, isn’t it?”

“I mean,” Strip waivered. “Yes and no? It isn’t based on that you got the hormones, it’s that you had the courage to go through with it and be yourself.”

“Ah, well… don’t follow me or you’ll die.” Loki warned, standing and using the tablet to return home.

More than aware that similar to the TVA before it, the DPA wouldn’t be likely to allow a Loki to live free however they pleased, Loki rushed to the one person she trusted and saw as strong enough to assist her in a life on the lamb.

“Come with me brother, together we can certainly fight them off.” Loki invited after a short recap.

“You want me to run off with you on a wild adventure evading some mysterious opponent who tried to strip you of your gender?” Thor thought through it with a small nod.

“Yes.” Loki’s eyes darted around doubtfully.

“Promise me one thing?”

“Yes?”

“That you’ll never betray me on our journey.”

“Oh I’d never.”

“Deal!” Thor extended his hand.

“Deal.” Loki took the hand, and they were off.

~~~An obnoxiously long end credits sequence~~~

“Brother?”

“Yes?”

“When you said you would never… you meant you’d never betray me rather than that you would never promise not to, right?”

“Ah… sure, let’s go with that.”

The End