A True Alpha Chapter 63

Chapter 63

Lexa waited until Clarke had completely disappeared into the building before pulling the car out of park and into reverse to exit the school's parking lot. She drove slowly, taking her time through each stop light and signaling her turns well ahead of time. It earned her a fair share of angry honks, but she paid them no mind; in fact, she wasn't even vaguely phased. Instead, Lexa just continued taking her time. Beginning with just what was promised, she first attended her favorite bookstore, one she frequented rather often when she was younger but that she hadn't seen more than once a year for the past handful of years or so.

The entire staff was completely different from the last time she had been there; not that she would have really remembered given how long it had been. Whether the workers were new or not, they gave a kind but quite welcome just like she remembered. The warm welcome brought a melancholy smile to Lexa's soft features and she waived back gently while staying silent. Her footsteps swiftly guided her through a path which was once well worn from her pacing through it two, sometimes three times daily. Her dulling grin widened before dying out at a section marked ‘fantasy/mythology’. It took nearly no time at all for Lexa to find something from a vaguely familiar author’s name. Thumbing through the titles, Lexa struggled to remember which she already owned and which she didn't given that the mass majority of them were novels she had never read. Before long, Lexa began to skim summaries and rule out a good third of the selection. But being that she knew there were certainly more she already owned amongst the small pile of potential purchases, Lexa caved and googled the publishing years and month of release of each one until she found a singular book which had come out in the past six months. “Finally one she certainly doesn't already have.” Lexa sighed in relief to have finally found an appropriate candidate. Somewhere amongst filing the books back in a more accurate and meticulous order than she had found them in, Lexa settled on finally making a list of which she already had in her library back home before she next returned.  

Once each and every novel she had touched was back in its most appropriate place Lexa grabbed the purchasable candidate and wandered off to a familiar couch that the bookstore had for customers who wished to read the first chapter before they purchased. She first layed her purse two seats away from her and then took the arm seat, creating a spectacle any passerby would have almost assuredly just assumed was just a rather rude method of ensuring she wasn't interrupted by anyone. Whatever a bystander may have assumed already, they would have most likely become rather more perplexed once Lexa cracked the book open to what was most likely the last or next to last chapter. Lexa sat there for a good twenty or so minutes. By then, she was finished with the book and had decided that she was ready to purchase it. 

Meandering back towards the entrance. Lexa found the front counter and purchased her novel without a single word. She then continued her streak of somewhat selective mutism as she ordered a pair of coffee at an adjoined Starbucks through an app and waited until her order’s name was called. 

“Half caf white chocolate mocha cappuccino and a decaf black toffee nut for Lexa?” The barista called out before returning to loafing around and awaiting another customer. Lexa politely waived off a silent thank you before nabbing her drink carrier and heading off to her car once more. 

The alpha’s second stop was at a flower shop she had been to only twice before. She stayed silent, shifting her way through the shop to the corner labeled roses. Once she arrived and found the white roses, Lexa anguished over whether to buy a single rose or a bouquet. Aside from any anxious eyes aside her own Lexa caved and picked a small bushel which she then again purchased with only hollow hand signs and the passing off of a credit card. 

With her shopping complete, Lexa returned to her car and set the white roses down in the passenger seat next to the book she had purchased with unrivaled care. The following jaunt of her journey was the shortest yet. Really, she should have just walked, but she knew that they requested their visitors park in the correct space, and she didn't want to disobey such a simple rule of such a solemn place. Her hands were heavy when her fingers wrapped around the key and turned them counterclockwise and removed it from the ignition. Tucking her keys into her purse, Lexa was much more methodical than she normally was; her actions were slow, careful, like one performing a hallowed act or praying. This behavior became further belabored as she picked up the flowers and book, holding them both close to her chest like religious artifacts which needed to be taken care of with the utmost of care. The open fields adorned only with nonuniform slabs formed a beautiful sight on the overcast mid-May day. Lexa grabbed an umbrella just in case. If she was going to be reading in uncovered fields, she certainly wouldn't just be letting the book be ruined; but on the same note, the field could flood in a hurricane, open up in an earthquake and a volcano could begin spewing hot lava only yards away and even that wouldn't quite be enough to dissuade her until embers flickered at her feet or the waterline passed her throat. 

The grassy fields were soft under bare feet; not that Lexa had forgotten shoes entirely, she had just left them in the car. The green blades crunching softly under her toes made for a calming sensation that reminded Lexa of just why she had liked it so much while she was still here. Her goal was only a small treck away, and once she arrived, she began with setting out the cappuccino out for its intended recipient on the headstone that reads. ‘Costia Anne Mable. For all the kindness you brought into the world, may it be brought forth within another.’

“Hey there baby.” Lexa finally spoke as her hand hit the cold granite. “It’s been a while.” She paused like a response might come. “Told you I’d be back in a year. Octavia said I couldn’t do it. She said you would say the same thing. But it was also her who told me I needed to stop coming, so…” Lexa shrugged. “Yeah. Uugh. Don't be mad, but I got you half-caf. I know you like your full caf, and your double, triple, hell, quadruple shots and all. But that stuff just isn't healthy.” Lexa began crying and caressing the top of the tombstone the notion that health had ever actually mattered to a woman who was murdered. “It’s just not healthy at all. And you mattered too much to me. Speaking of which, I got you another one of those god awful books you loved. You remember, the fantasy ones, the ones I hate. I stalked that section for weeks, pretending to like them just to get you to talk to me? Then when you got me one of these for our first anniversary I said I loved it, but by then you could tell when I was lying. I remember how you broke down into tears because you really wanted to get me something I loved despite not having the money to really do it. How upset you were cause you thought you finally had it, and then it turned out to be something I hated.” Lexa’s tears ran faster. “I even read the last couple chapters to make sure it wasn't a sad ending. Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m an ass for ending my book the way I did. ‘Life is terrible. There’s no reason fiction should be too.’ Well, don't you just have a way of making a fucking point? Huh baby?” Lexa forced a pained smile. “Can you believe it’s been three years? Three years since I saw your beautiful face, since I got to hold you?” Lexa allowed herself to fall to a knee, gave herself the gift of pretending it was a graceful fall and not her knees giving out in grief and the heft of her sobs. 

It took a good while, but eventually, Lexa calmed herself just enough to maneuver herself around to sitting against the headstone and more or less stop crying. “Too long. That’s how long it’s been. Too long.” She sniffled and waved her hand over the short and well-manicured grass leaves; petting at the ground above her resting place. Today she would do her absolute best to honor her fallen love by enjoying all the small things Costia once valued above all else in her stead. May it be a gloomy overcast day, the feelings of fresh grass under bare feet, a bad book with an inexplicable happy ending, and even a lackadaisical lay in a park to do a whole lot of nothing; even if it wasn't quite a park, Lexa figured it was more or less semantics at that point. 

“Got you your favorite flower.” Lexa coughed up once more. “Yeah, yeah, I know. The poem is just about a singular white rose. But you're not my enemy.” Lexa allowed a lingual lull. “Yes, I get that isn't the point! I don't care. There was no way I was gonna get you just a single white rose when you deserve the whole flower shop.” Another small pause. “I don't care. I got you what YOU deserved. And there’s not much you can do about it, so deal with it!” Lexa settled the argument with the woman who wasn't there. “Anyway! I know how my little omega always used to love laying in my lap and listening to me read, so…” Lexa sniffled, gathering herself and calming her weary voice as she opened the book to the first chapter. “I hope this is a good one love. I know you’d listen to me read endless texts on auteur theory just to nuzzle my lap and fall asleep to my voice, but… I want you to enjoy this one.” Lexa sighed anxiously, striving to calm her worried mind. Her fingers traced the page, and she strived but failed to avoid allowing any tears to mar its pristine paper. 

Lexa’s voice wavered through each chapter. Every word seemed to slowly grow harder to pronounce as she continued onto the next. But that changed nothing. Even when the rain came in, Lexa simply moved Costia's coffee down next to her and used the grave as a stand for her oversized umbrella as she continued to read. It made for a beautiful accompaniment, the varied pitter-patter of rain droplets striking the umbrella and sliding off to the ground around her. Every chapter she trudged through seemed to be more of the same spectacular ridiculous scenes that Lexa never had much a taste for, but Costia adored the escapism of. 

After a couple of hours, Lexa checked her phone. Realizing that she didn't have long before she would have to head back and pick Clarke up, she slowly closed the book. She left a small marker on the page from which she stopped. “I think that is a good start, huh? Seemed like your type of thing.” She allowed the rain’s reply to eat up the silence for a moment. “No! I did not hate it!” Rain continued to wash off of the umbrella and land all around the two. “That does not mean I hated it!” Lexa closed the book and layed it on her lap. “I am not arguing! I am not arguing! I simply don't have the time Costia!” Lexa sobbed and wiped her face clean. “I don't have the time because I have some other stuff I need to tell you about.” Lexa’s eyes danced around. “Well, no, it’s not really ‘stuff’ it’s more of a person. A girl.” The ground around her was wet, and even in May, the day was growing rather chilly. “I can’t believe I haven't been here to tell you about her already.” Lexa felt like her tears were becoming more innumerable than the rain. “Yup, I met a girl. Crazy? Right?” Her messy face only further devolved as she went. “An alpha actually… Yup, you always said my ideal match would be an alpha who could finally actually order me to go to bed after a way too long sessions at the computer. Not that she’s ever really had to order me to get into bed with her.” Lexa laughed dryly. “God that feels wrong to tell you. Way wrong! But… I know you were worried about me finding someone. And, I believe I did make you a promise didn’t I?” Lexa gripped at the soil under her. “She reminds me of you in so many ways love. God, you would love her so much that you would probably steal her from me. You two would have been best friends.” Lexa wiped her face clean again in another futile attempt to fix it. “She is great. I love her so much. I… I just want to do right by her. Hopefully, one day make her as happy as you made me.” Lexa’s face soured momentarily as she processed what Costia might have said if she had really been there. “No, not everything is perfect. It never is. Even we had our issues. But, I love her. I really love her baby. She… She really is great. I actually have to pick her up from class soon.” Lexa paused. “I am not a cradle robber! Jesus! She took a gap year and is graduating in a couple weeks! She is four years younger than me!” Lexa forced a laugh. “Yeah, yeah asshole. Whatever.” Giving another small pause. Lexa allowed time for what she presumed would have been another jovial wisecrack. “You know, I actually met her through Octavia. She and I have gotten a lot closer. Somehow we all moved in together. Crazy huh? And I’m even in our old room.” Lexa mourned momentarily that she no longer had Costia to share that room with. “I know you wouldn’t have wanted me to seal off that end of the house, and especially not for so long. But I did what I needed to do to stay healthy. Seeing it all every day was really rather rough for a while. Clarke, Clarke though, she makes it better, makes it all a lot easier.” Lexa shifted, knowing her time was running short and that she best leave soon. “I love you. You don't need to worry anymore. I made good on my promise.” Tracing her fingers in the dirt and grass Lexa stalled. “And, and I have one more thing to tell you.” She didn't know how to phrase what she was about to say, but it ended up being blurted out anyways. “I’m writing another book! I… I’m sorry, but I don't think this one's gonna have a happy ending either. But this time it’s not my fault. I blame you baby girl. If you didn't want my books to have sad endings, then you shouldn't have gone around making this world such a better place each and every day you were here.” Lexa knew if Costia were there, she would have given her quite an amount of flack for that one. “It’s about you. It will be a happy story, for the most part. I promise. But in the end, I won't lie about what happened. Maybe I will just put in an afterward? Or a dedication? That way the end can be both happy and sad kinda? I don't know. I’m not quite done yet. But, I wanted you to know. I am doing everything I can to honor you baby. To honor my promise.” Lexa patted the dirt by her side once more and then turned to kiss the tombstone. “I love you. I’ll see you next year love.” She stood wearily. “In the meantime, you will always be in my memories and my heart.” Lexa placed the coffee she had ordered for no one back upon the top of the tombstone and then righted the flowers in the grave’s vase. “Rest. You deserve all the rest in the world.” Lexa caressed the headstone once more and then kissed it one final time. “Goodnight.” Her final words were solemn and quiet. She rose the umbrella back over herself and picked up her book and her empty coffee before turning and heading off. The wet grass mushed under her feet, a final soft cold comfort Costia would have most likely adored but that made Lexa’s skin crawl a little with each step. Once she returned to her car, she set out a backup towel she kept in the trunk atop the driver's seat to not ruin the finish with her wet clothes from sitting in the rain for so long. The drive back to Clarke’s school was quiet and peaceful. Everyone on their way home from work had already arrived and the traffic was mostly gone. Rain seemed to do a good enough job of dissuading anyone from any Friday night excursions. 

Clarke was already awaiting Lexa under an overhang when Lexa finally pulled into the parking lot. Lexa rushed to demonstrate that she had an umbrella and that she could go grab Clarke and walk her back to the car without getting wet, but before she had a chance Clarke was already sprinting and halfway to the car. The alpha laughed at her mate and opened the passenger door for her when she arrived at the car. 

“Thanks babe!” 

“I have an umbrella.” 

“Eh, running was faster.” Clarke shrugged. 

“Yeah, but now you are all wet.” 

“So?” 

“So weren't we gonna go on a date after?” Lexa teased. 

“I thought the point of a date was to get me all wet?” Clarke’s eyes danced in an egregious amount of pride for the terrible joke. 

“You are the worst!”

“And it isn't much like you are dry.” Clarke leaned over and kissed Lexa. 

“I got caught in the rain when I needed to do something.” 

“I figured, just wanted to point out that I’m not the only one who got a little wet in today’s rain. But I’m still up for dinner if you are?” 

“Yeah, I know a good place we can grab something.” 

“Sounds good babe.” Clarke snuggled up.

“How was class?” 

“I think I’m finally understanding everything I missed.” 

“That’s great! It can be a celebration dinner!” Lexa cheered. 

“Sounds great love.” Clarke purred. “On the brightish side, I think my rut is over, so I can concentrate again.” 

“That’s good. And, ya know what? Mine is over too! Our cycles are all synced up again.” Lexa noted, taking Clarke's hand as she pulled out of the parking lot. 

“I’m glad. I like having our cycles match up again, it makes me feel closer to you.” 

“Same here. I’m really glad I have you.” Lexa’s soft tone struck Clarke as a bit much and a surprise. 

“I’m glad I have you too. But, now I know something is wrong. You’ve been acting off all day. And your eyes are all red again! You’ve been crying more!” 

“I…” Lexa wasn't sure whether to tell the truth or not. In the past when this topic has come up it had occasionally left Clarke feeling undervalued and like she wasn't the most important person in Lexa’s life. 

“Spill! Because I am not ok with having to worry about whether or not my mate is ok!” Clarke ordered. 

“I went to see Costia. It’s been three years since she died, and every year on the anniversary of her death I go out there to read her books and talk to her, tell her how things are going. To make sure she knows I am ok, that she can rest.” 

“Oh.” Clarke’s jaw dropped and she fell silent. 

“See! That is why I didn't wanna tell you! You are upset now. Clarke, I love you so much. I don't want you to feel less than my everything in any single way.” Lexa rushed to explain. 

“No. I get it. It is just really sweet. I love you. I’m here. M… maybe we should just order in? Cuddle on the couch? Watch a movie? Eat way too much? Take the whole evening for us… For you. We’ve both worked more than hard enough and we deserve an evening to relax. We can do whatever. Anything you need love. I’m here. I want you to be ok. I want to support you.” Clarke latched onto Lexa’s right arm, wrapping both of her arms around it along with the majority of her torso. It was all she could do, the best she could come up with to help in an effort to comfort her alpha. 

“I? Are you sure? You aren't hurt?” 

“No. No. I’m sorry. I understand. I’m not hurt. I just want to be here and help.” 

“Thanks love.” 

“I’ll order something. It will be home just a little after us.” 

“Thank you.” Lexa sighed in relief. 

“It’s nothing. I just want my mate safe, preferably at home, with a full belly and snuggled up in my arms with a small pile of blankets surrounding us.” 

Clarke’s suggestion was exactly what Lexa needed after her arduous day, and it was exactly what she got as well. Clarke followed through on each of her suggestions, ensuring that Lexa had everything she could ever have wanted for the rest of the night, and into the early hours of the morning when they both migrated off to bed. Clarke held Lexa tight and allowed her to cry into her chest, to mourn what she had lost in the arms of a lover. It killed Clarke to see Lexa cry, but to know that she was safe was all she needed to keep everything together for the sake of her mate. 

End of Chapter 63