Opening up đïž
Added 2024-12-04 20:24:44 +0000 UTCThe latest months have been feeling like a very long drawn out day that never ends, I'm so very grateful for your support and understanding when I decided to take a break. Starting a YouTube channel was something I never thought I would do, due to the fact that I am not very interested in social medias in general. But having this creative outlet for content creation has been a very special part of my life these last two years. I strongly believe in not oversharing online, since no one's life is supposed to be a spectacle. The fear of opening doors up to others that I might not ever be able to close again, are the reasons I often choose to stay private online. Misery is not a contest, it's not a pity party, it's not a spectacle and it's not content. But my heart and spirit has been weighing down on me for quite some time, and it's eating me up. Earlier this year I got help with getting away from an abusive partner, and I promised myself to never get into any relationships ever again.
There is a lot of shame and guilt that I have been carrying with me, thinking that "maybe it wasn't really that bad", "other's might be having it worse", "I'm opening up for the sake of attention" but my deepest and biggest fear is that I might be so rotten to the core that this is what I deserve. I have been having a lot of nightmares recently, dreaming about it all happening over and over again. I have a hard time recognizing myself.
As a person I can be a lot, I'm childish, high in energy, I can frankly be quite annoying to be around. I like to joke and tease a lot with the people I have around me. I have a very low stress-tolerance that makes me insufferable at times. And unfortunately, I see myself as lesser worthy than other people.
Then I was really, and I mean really really stupid. Again. I had a colleague that confessed he had feelings for me this late autumn. I was very open with never wanting a relationship again, I was open with the abuse I had gotten away from earlier this year. Maybe I was in a vulnerable state of mind, but hearing the words from a man that he understands my feelings and wanted to be there for me made me a fool once again. I don't view myself as high maintenance, I firmly believe relationships are more like a Tuesday with leftovers than a Saturday with a fancy dinner out. I tend to find happiness in the small moments of everyday life.
Unfortunately, I have this trauma response of crying and begging for forgiveness if a man looks at me with cold eyes, an angry/harsh tone, or is telling me how I should behave or not behave. After about a month this was very clearly an issue. Maybe it's me once again ending up in a similar relationship or with a similar type of person, maybe it is just me being that rotten deep inside. After a month I had a 20 lines bullet point list in my phone of how I should or should not behave toward this person, what feelings I was allowed to express or not. What I was allowed to say or not to say. This was all concealed under the term "boundaries", boundaries I was not aware off until I had already crossed them and had to beg for forgiveness. Crying was not accepted, and every time I had this trauma response he would despise me more.
Any who, this man left me after two months. Which I already know was a blessing, I know in the back of my head that these "boundaries" was nothing else than controlling behavior. Life goes on and I am not sulking over this bloke. But I can't get rid of the fear that this is what I deserve. Why would it otherwise happen? Maybe I really am that rotten deep down to the core. Getting told over and over again by this man how awful I am, how badly I am making him feel with my tears and treating him when making jokes really made me believe it. And maybe you can see it too, I am afraid that the rot inside of me will spill out into my content creation. Tainting it.
Maybe I'm not rotten but can't just see it yet. If I am, I'm taking this break to self reflect and change. If I'm not, I'm taking this break to heal. Maybe I need to do both, I can't recognize myself any longer.
If you read this far, thank you. Thank you for letting me be this personal with you.
Comments
you sound like fun, not like "a lot"
mark
2025-03-03 18:40:20 +0000 UTCYou are a good person, we love you and your work, and no one has the right to make you suffer like this, it is shameful and these men are bad people, unworthy of having been with you. They don't deserve you. Please don't doubt yourself. You deserve to be happy.
Art Tiste
2024-12-07 09:39:43 +0000 UTCYou've gone through a long term and now short term relationship which have focused entirely on tearing down your self esteem for the express purpose of keeping you vulnerable and trapped with these no good people. They know if you understand your worth they wouldn't be able to hold onto you. Please, whenever you feel that doubt about whether you deserve this, take a breath and remind yourself that this thought has been programmed into your brain and it's not true. No human being deserves such indignity, let alone one as wonderful as you!
Jessica
2024-12-06 00:29:34 +0000 UTCThere's a reason why abusive cycles are difficult to break and why so much support is needed. You are on the right path and I'm immensely proud of you for being able to recognise what's happened so quickly and get yourself safe again. Yes, it is incredibly painful but I know you have so much strength to push on through it :) It's often hardest at this point but please just keep being yourself and don't shut down your light for anyone.
Jessica
2024-12-06 00:25:35 +0000 UTCYou are not stupid either - you've been through an incredibly vulnerable period and unfortunately there are many humans who exploit that for their own benefit. Do NOT feel bad about this, please just treat it as a sign that you need to protect your space until you have reached a place of healing where fuckers like this guy are not able to leech onto you.
Jessica
2024-12-06 00:23:30 +0000 UTCAbsolutely no one deserves this treatment, no matter their flaws or weaknesses. You have described yours in detail but I assure you that the level of self awareness required to know these things about yourself is a guarantee that you are not a bad person or lesser than anyone else.
Jessica
2024-12-06 00:21:50 +0000 UTCYou arent the problem . You met people who wanted to change you in person you are not, and you suffered a lot because of it . You need to heal and grow your confidence up again . And never change because someone demand it .Always be yourself . Im sure sooner or later you gonna meet someone who will love you for every side you have .
Lorex
2024-12-05 17:53:08 +0000 UTCTake your time to see that you are not the problem, that you are a good person with bad luck. Nobody deserves shitty things to happen to them but the thing is that they will happen anyways and you can only control how you feel about it and if you learn something about it so do it and comeback being a better you. We wait all the time you need.hope you doing well now.
Sebastian
2024-12-05 09:34:58 +0000 UTCHey Eru, so sorry you here you are going through this. It's a totally normal experience to struggle with feeling inadequate and rotten, but I can assure you, you are not. I also have a mean "teasing" sense of humor and my partner gets it, it sounds like your previous partners were insecure in themselves and took it out on you. Someone who really loves you won't make you feel bad for showing affection and comfortableness being around them by teasing them. Even if you are truly rotten (which you wholeheartedly are NOT, but IF you were) you make so many people's lives better with your videos. Since I found you I am a calmer person, able to focus more and get more work done, and able to sleep better, all of which make ME less rotten. So that is to say, if you were rotten (which again, clearly not from the way you speak about your family, your dog, the little things in life that make you happy, your concern for your coworker) you would certainly be taking out more negative energy from the world than you could possibly put back into it.
The Bee
2024-12-04 23:57:03 +0000 UTCUsch vad tungt. Jag kan skriva generiska djupa tankar om hur din rĂ€dsla inte stĂ€mmer och du har blivit given en dĂ„lig hand, men jag tror inte att det Ă€r dĂ€r lĂ€rdomen ligger. Jag har inga svar, men jag har en fundering. Inget Ă€r svart eller vitt. Det Ă€r inget fel pĂ„ âmĂ€nniskorâ men det finns fel hos mĂ€nniskor. Det Ă€r inget fel med förhĂ„llanden men det kan finnas fel i förhĂ„llanden. Det Ă€r inget fel pĂ„ dig, men du har dina fel. NĂ€r jag kĂ€nner mig vilsen (vilket tyvĂ€rr Ă€r regelbundet) gĂ„r jag alltid tillbaka till att om jag kan agera gott utan privat vinst och om jag kan göra mitt bĂ€sta till att ha sĂ„ stor förstĂ„else som möjligt (Ă€ven för mig sjĂ€lv!) sĂ„ gör jag sĂ„ mycket jag kan göra för min omgivning. Det behöver inte vara mer komplicerat Ă€n sĂ„. Du kommer aldrig kunna âtĂ€nka dig friâ eller förhindra tragedier genom att proaktivt agera och försöka pĂ„verka din omgivning, det Ă€r lika lönlöst som att försöka pĂ„verka vĂ€dret, eller vilket hĂ„ll vinden blĂ„ser Ă„t. Det finns ett ordsprĂ„k som lyder nĂ„got i stil med: âOm du stirrar ut genom ett fönster i vĂ€ntan av att fĂ„ se en hĂ€st springa förbi, sĂ„ glömmer du bort att se resten av vĂ€rlden genom fönstretâ Jorden snurrar pĂ„ oberoende av dig, dina kĂ€nslor och handlingar, se friheten i det, pĂ„ ett sĂ€tt skulle man kunna sĂ€ga att livet Ă€r meningslöst, men just dĂ€rför har du möjlighet att ge livet precis vilken mening du vill, och du har friheten att Ă€ndra denna meningen om och om igen utan att behöva rĂ€ttfĂ€rdiga dig för nĂ„gon. Jag vet inte vad jag försöker sĂ€ga lĂ€ngre, men var skeptisk till dina slutsatser, oavsett vad som hĂ€nt förr eller kan hĂ€nda senare, du Ă€r hĂ€r nu, inget annat Ă€r pĂ„ riktigt. Ănskar dig all lycka och skickar en stor kram, hoppas att du kan sluta snurra gaffeln i spaghettihjĂ€rnan đ«¶
Elvis Eriksson
2024-12-04 23:22:35 +0000 UTCHey, I'm so sorry that you've had to experience so much negativity this year, or that so much negativity has happened in your life. Love can hurt a lot, leaving you torn inside and plagued by thoughts in your head. It can eat you up and awaken fears that you can't get rid of so quickly. But love can also give you security, hope, comfort, and much more. It can fill your heart with warmth, protect your soul with peace and serenity, and strengthen your head against negative thoughts. I'm 36 now and have been through a lot, not just in terms of love, and I've thought a lot about myself and everything I've experienced. What you've written touched me and I can at least understand and empathize with it a little. Take time for yourself and take as much as you need. But let me tell you one thing, you are not a bad person, in the 2 years you have helped many people with your videos, you have shown us that you are honest, that you have feelings, that you think about yourself, that you let us share in your life and much more. Erudwen, you are a nice, pretty young woman with a good heart, a loving personality and a soothing voice. I know that we don't know each other, but that is what I think about you. Nobody is perfect, believe in yourself and don't give up hope. At some point you will find someone who loves you the way you are, who is there for you and makes part of their life your life so that you or even both of you have a more pleasant life. Thank you for being so open with us and thank you for everything. Sorry for the long text, but it is important to me and I care about you. I hope you can understand everything. My English is not good and I used Google to translate^^. You are not alone, I wish you all the best for yourself.
Mr. KĂ€sebalken
2024-12-04 23:18:18 +0000 UTCI'm so so sorry you went through all of that... from the bottom of my heart you have my deepest apologies... My wife and I have a very close friend who has went through a very very similar situation, and tbh you remind me alot about her! (In a very good way) just know that all of these thoughts and feelings you're having, it is OK to have them! You are definitely, definitely not a rotten person. You have proved that by all of your videos with how much you care about life and joy! Never let the most negative things define who you believe you are! I'm definitely one to struggle with this as well.. You are doing what is best for you, and I think its safe to say we all support you! Again, it's ok to being having all of these feelings about yourself, it's ok to be mad, it's ok to be in disbelief. But these feelings are not defining you. Take all the time that you need to heal! You are in my thoughts! đ
Eric Mathias
2024-12-04 23:08:30 +0000 UTCReading this has struck home for me more closely than you may ever realise. Iâve been absent from watching/being involved on things going on with you as Iâve been at rock bottom rebuilding myself inch by painful inch. Reading this left me with the sickening feeling that Iâm all too familiar with, that crippling doubt and the sting of regrets and poor decisions. All I can say is this, youâre still going, and from reading how eloquently you have talked about yourself and your feelings, you have an emotional intelligence and maturity that gives you strength. Dedicate the time to yourself to heal and to get to where you need to be, even if itâs not where you want. I am still here, even if I doubt you remember that I used to never shut up on here as it was a while ago. However Iâm just saying youâre more loved and respected than you will ever know, focus on yourself and the process of approaching life in a way that gives some contentment. There are plenty of people here who clearly care, me being one of them. Advice is ten a penny but itâs what works for you. Be kind to yourself, make your world a better place â€ïž
Jack Green
2024-12-04 22:30:48 +0000 UTCThank you for sharing this. Take your time and heal. I am 100% sure you are not rotten. Ending relationships (good or bad) eat at our heart, that why feeling rotten is normal. And relationships should not have boundries in the way to behave, cry or expressing yourself. So please dont give up yourself or the idea of a future relationship. You will find the right person and when you do, you will know it quickly and there will be no boundries just love. Until then take care of yourself and set red flags for you. And THANK you for your content. You help anlot of people including me with it. â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
Groot
2024-12-04 21:51:16 +0000 UTCHello, I would like to tell you how much your message touches me. I have only known you for a short time, through your videos that I love enormously. I am saddened by your situation, and I would like to be able to help you with these few words. Your story is unfortunately the story of too many women, who have met a bad man. You are a victim of this man, and you have nothing to reproach yourself for, but he has done you too much harm, so much so that today, you are still suffering the consequences. It is a real trauma, and it is sad. You are a good person, you do good to others with your ASMR videos, and it is proof that you are turned towards others, that you want to do good around you, and therefore that you are a good person. This man is a boor, who did not deserve you, who made you suffer, he is a bastard who deserves nothing but contempt. Maybe you can talk about your suffering with a good psychologist or your doctor (who can maybe recommend a psychologist)? I know that stress is a real problem for some people. I know it, because it's my case. I fight almost every day to better support it, and live better. And precisely, your videos help me to calm down, so thank you again for these videos. You have all my support. And if you need to take a break, make fewer videos to refocus on yourself and these problems, take your time. I tell you again, you are a good person, I know it. Do not doubt yourself, on the contrary it is this man who hurt you, who is a bad person. You deserve to know happiness, and I hope that you will find it very quickly, with someone who will be up to it, who will be someone good, and with whom you will know a sincere and reciprocal love. Thank you for your trust with your message. Kind regards
Fred (Art Tiste)
2024-12-04 21:26:11 +0000 UTCSorry to hear this. sounds like you have been going through a lot. You do not come across as a rotten/bad person. You seem to be a genuine good person. Try not to dwell on past events that you cannot change. We all make mistakes to learn from them for the future. Your line about Tuesday nights and left overs is 100% right. I was good friends with my partner for a year and a half before we actually dated. Happily married for 10 years now. Do your best to surround yourself with good people. And we will always be here for you đ
Trevor Parish
2024-12-04 21:04:10 +0000 UTCOhh, Iâm so sorry to hear this happened to you! It was like reading about my own life and experiences 10 years ago.. i know exactly how you feel.. BUT Itâs good you got out of it and recognize you need help to feel better about yourself because you are absolutely NOT rotten. I know how it feels to feel you are too much and a bother.. But it is, fortunately, just a feeling and not the truth. I hope you also see it yourself soon :) Thank you for sharing your story and being open about it. I myself think it helps to talk about it.
Julie
2024-12-04 20:45:22 +0000 UTC
