mavrip

"Gain-dar"

Added 2019-11-12 18:15:42 +0000 UTC

Some gay folks claim to possess “gaydar,” the ability to cull a gay person—even a latent one—from a hetero crowd. Similarly, I believe many FAs possess “gain-dar,” the power to identify future fatties within the malnourished masses. Because of our perverted proclivities, we’re more attuned to body type, bone structure, family history, and dietary habits that could provide us clues whether today’s skinny minnie will become tomorrow’s heavy hottie! It’s not a superpower Stan Lee would create a comic for, but a unique ability nonetheless.

The term “skinny fat” wasn’t a thing back when I was in High School, but I dated a girl named Jenny who was a prime example. She had a tiny waist and a desirable hourglass shape, but wasn’t toned. She had jiggly thighs, soft upper arms, and a healthy rack that suggested she’d only be getting softer with age. Unfortunately, we only dated for a couple months--not long enough to witness any noticeable changes first-hand. Still, if my Senior Yearbook had a “Girl Most Likely to Get Fat after High School” category, I would have cast my vote for her.

Turns out I would have been right. Jenny steadily piled-on the pounds through two marriages and several kids. Now she’s in her mid-40s and well north of 200 pounds. I love my wife, but it sure would have been fun to help expedite that process!

Since then, I’ve identified many future gainers. I can also typically tell if a fat woman has been overweight their entire lives, or if they’re the final results of the latent gaining we try to predict. I imagine many of you have had similar experiences.

Unfortunately, gain-dar works best in the wild, and tends to falter in the unnatural environment of Hollywood. Signs may portent a star’s plumpening, but the powerful microscope of celebrity may magnify a modest ten-pound gain into a career threatening bout with obesity. How many times have we witnessed attractive young actresses reduce themselves to skeletal size zeros after gaining a pound or two? Jennifer Connelly, Katie Holmes, and Katherine Heigl are just a few examples from my generation, but “what could have been” cases are littered throughout Hollywood’s history. Even the ultimate sex symbol, Marilyn Monroe, a naturally buxom woman, was eating herself out of Hollywood circa 1959/1960, but pressure (and a steady dose of barbiturates) wasted her down to 117 pounds by her untimely death in 1962.

Things seem to be getting better overall—there’s definitely more tolerance and body diversity on TV, on the runway, and in the music charts--but I can’t say I’ve noticed much of a change in Hollywood. Up-and-coming young actresses like Chloe Grace Moretz and Katherine Lanford may trigger my gain-dar, but I suspect in a couple years we’ll again be lamenting lost potential.

As usual.

How about you? Any friends, family, or celebrities that triggered your “gain-dar”? Ever identify someone that ultimately packed on a few (or more than a few)?

Maverick