Art Anxiety

I indulged myself a bit this week, kinda. I’m not exactly sure why or how but the creative furnace is burning hot inside me and I think the drawings I have forged in its fires are well above my usual capability. So, naturally, I spent hours upon hours making what can really only be described as an elaborate shit-post this week.

I envisioned this piece in its entirety before I started; like how the master artists of old were struck with visions of wonders they had to create in their dreams, this came to me similarly. A detailed and intricately drawn portrait, the best work I can manage, overshadowed by the confusing presence of the 90s BBC children’s television character “BRUM”, topped off with a crudely added message of perseverance in the face of adversity. I cannot explain why this happened as I do not know even myself.

And so, I had to make it happen. I put in more effort than I have ever put into a drawing before into this random shit that no-one asked for. I could have done something sexy or something funny, something beautiful or just otherwise accessible in any way, but instead I drew something which is really only funny to me because I made it and I shared it.

Still, I think I’ve crossed some kind of thresh-hold in terms of the quality of my drawing lately. I confess that I do usually show all my friend my works in progress. In the past he’s always been so encouraging; “OH WOW THAT’S CRAZY” or “OH GOSH You’re so good, this is great! I love ‘X’, ‘Y’ and ‘Z’”, etc. That’s been great, I like being told I’m doing a good job as I am still a little girl in my head and Daddy’s approval makes me feel happy. This time though, he was like, “Yeah. Good.” which isn’t good enough and made me feel like a bad girl doing bad job and now Daddy doesn’t love me anymore and the world is ENDING. This is, of course, ridiculous; I am an adult woman and shouldn’t need constant validation to do things I like doing. But is is a fact about myself that I have to overcome, it’s also a complete Segway from what the subject of this paragraph was supposed to be when I started writing it.

So with this drawing, I’m looking at it thinking that it’s the most impressive drawing I’ve ever done but the feedback I got was really muted and unenthusiastic. I feel like I’m going insane, is there some giant flaw I’m not seeing? Am I being gaslit? I ask again for clarification and it’s just, “It’s really good, I can’t see any problems with it” :\

What does this mean?!?!? Someone explain to me please

LOVE YOU XOXO