Chapter 5 Fate: False Farce (FSN SI)

Chapter 5: There’s Someone Confused, but Who?

Sitting down with composure and elegance as was only proper of a Tohsaka, Rin sipped at her tea delicately as she waited with only the slight desire of murder in her heart. Sitting at the table across from Saber, Rin ignored the glare from the enemy Servant, nursing only the desire for her.

Saber. Oh, lovely Saber. She had tried for a Saber in the Summoning Ritual, so it was infuria-- irritating to find out somebody else had gotten her. No matter. Rin would get Saber.

It was strange for Rin to realize that this was the first time that she had set foot in Emiya’s house.

Stranger still to have the Saber Servant invite them into her domain which made Rin worrie-- reconsider about Shiho’s intelligence and common sense yet again. Emiya had literally died to Lancer and forced Rin to spend 10 years of mana on saving her. This was the only reason that Rin wasn’t having Archer attack an enemy master. She did not waste all that mana on saving someone only to have them die on her later.

…Not that she wasn’t regretting it. If she knew Emiya was going to become an enemy Master, she’d have… she’d have totally let Shiho die. Gah! Stupid, past Rin. Stupid, nice Emiya. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Still. This was a hidden boon in disguise. Shiho was nice. Too nice. Emiya Shiho was the sort of gal to give somebody an umbrella even if they needed it themselves. The sort to go hungry if it meant somebody else could have lunch. If Rin asked in the right way, that being, just asking, Shiho was sure to give Rin Saber. Then Rin would have Saber and Archer. Long range combined with short range and she’d absolutely dominate this Holy Grail War.

All that remained was waiting for Emiya Shiho to come out and begin extorti-- negotiations. She’d have walked in and dragged Emiya out, but… food was food, and Emiya did make good food. Rin deserved some good food after helping repair the house, you know you know!

Now if only her Servant stop snapping incessantly now, please and thank you very much. It took all of Rin’s will to not burn a Command Seal and order Archer to break his own hands. Instead, she opened up the spiritual connection and growled psychically at her Servant.

“What is it, Actually Satan?”

The snapping finally paused as her Servant heaved an overly dramatic sigh. Rin was the one who did that, not stupid, annoying Not-Saber Servants.

“First off, still not Satan. Second, are we killing Shiro Emiya?”

Pursing her lips, Rin substituted embarrassment with anger. That was originally the plan, yes, but then Emiya did the weird thing of changing the topic and being polite and there had to be some sort of magecraft going on because now it felt weird to try and kill Emiya Shiho. Not that Rin was going to admit that.

“No, Actually Satan. We were invited in. I am a polite young lady, I’ll have you know.”

There. Obscure the idea that she herself didn’t know why she was sitting at the table waiting for food with the fact that she was a polite young lady.

“First off, no,” Archer scoffed, “No, you’re not.”

Yeah, Archer was right about that. The real reason wasn’t something Rin really wanted to admit though, so she’d go with biding her time. That was her story and she’d burn in hell before admitting otherwise.

“Second,” Archer didn’t quite whine, “can you stop calling me Actually Satan?”

Taking a sip of her tea, Rin hid her smirk with the cup, “I will stop calling you ‘Actually Satan’ the moment you tell me who you are.”

“And I told you. I don’t remember!”

“And I told you. I don’t believe you,” Rin reminded Archer. Honestly, the Grail may have been strange and weird, but it was not defective. Her family had been one of the Great Three to design it and thus it was perfect. Any and all imperfections came from the Einzberns and the stupid Matous clearly, but this was her family’s summoning ritual with her father’s notes and jewel, and thus everything had gone perfectly. Therefore, her Servant knew his own identity and was a filthy liar. Rin therefore had to establish dominance, “So until such time as you deem to finally surrender your identity to me, you will be called ‘Actually Satan’.”

“Oh, come on! Just call me, Archer.”

“No,” Rin didn’t have to think about that response.

Archer groaned before pleading, “We’re at least killing Emiya, right?”

Setting her cup down and gripping it tightly, Rin stared at Saber. Perfect, beautiful Saber. High stats all around, elegance and power exemplified. Rin didn’t like to admit it, but just this once, she thought it was fine to say that she was honestly jealous of another.

Damn it. She wanted Saber. Why did stupid Emiya have to summon her!?

Finishing off her tea less like a cup and more of a shot, Rin calmly slammed it down and glared with hunger at Saber, vowing, “Only if she doesn’t give me Saber.”

Saber noticed Rin’s gaze and simply glared back stoically. The only exception was when the sounds of cooking finally ended and they both turned to face Emiya Shiho bringing out her food.

Best Magus persona, Rin. She had practiced for this. She’d be the baddest bitch here and she’d be the baddest bitch at the Clocktower, and she would crush her enemies, beginning with Shiho. So what if Emiya had spent half a decade making sure Rin had a free lunch. Culinary gratitude had no place in affecting the actions and duties of a magus.

Looking Emiya Shiho was an enigma. One that provided excellent, delicious daily lunches, but an enigma nevertheless. Unofficial janitor of Homurahara Academy, Ace of the Archery team, Secret Weapon of the Kendo club, manager of the mechanics club, Shiho Emiya was so easily forgettable for how many things she had melded herself into.

And apparently, a secret magus if her lack of surprise was anything to go by. Even if she truly was ignorant, Rin fully planned to intimidate Shiho into giving her Saber.

“Emi--”

Shiho set down the pot of rice and returned to the kitchen and ignored her.

…Taking a deep breath, Rin did not begin blasting. Control was key. No more, no less, each act measured and equal. Letting out a deep breath, she waited for Shiho to come out and scowled, “Emiya--”

And she was gone. If she did it a third time, RIn felt perfectly justified in burning everything down. How dare she just come in and leave after setting down… was that pork katsu? Rin loved pork katsu. It was greasy and fattening, but delicious and-- Focus, Rin. She had to intimidate Shiho into giving her Saber. With Archer (Who may or may not be Actually Satan) and Saber, Rin would be primed to win this War easily, prove herself as a magus, and finally redeem the Tohsaka family name.

So when Shiho came back out for the third time, Rin waited patiently. She waited for Shiho to finish passing out the plates and utensils. She waited for Shiho to refill everybody’s cups. She even waited for Shiho to finish praying over the food before she began.

“Emiya Shiho,” Rin lightly drummed her fingers once.

“Tohsaka Rin,” Shiho returned, bowl raised halfway to her face.

Silence reigned. Tapping her fingers, Rin waited patiently. Whoever spoke first would yield to the other, and Rin never yielded.

“...Was I… was I not supposed to do that?” Shiho asked eventually, slowly placing her bowl back down. “You just said my full name out loud, so it seemed like I should say your name out loud.”

…Why did Emiya always make every victory taste like ash? And could she, for once in her life, read the fucking room for once? This was just like that time where Shiho walked into Shinji being a creepy stalker.  At the time,  was hilarious seeing Shinji completely fail at explaining his actions with Shiho’s blunt obliviousness, but it was infuriating being on the other side.

“No, you were supposed to shut up and be intimidated, Emiya,” Rin growled.

“Oh! Well, sorry for the confusion,” Shiho nodded before smiling like somebody trying to pretend for happiness. ‘Trying to pretend’ were the keywords since what actually came through was two degrees off of that.

The worst part was that she wasn’t even being sarcastic about being sorry. Rin had once seen Shiho apologize for breaking a mugger’s knife after said mugger had tried to stab her. And then Shiho had brought that mugger some dinner, gotten him a job at a local Izakaya, and the point was, Shiho Emiya was irritatingly genuine about this sort of thing.

Before Rin could lay into Shiho’s stupidity, Saber coughed twice and politely asked, “Master, may we eat?”

“Sure.” Shiho smiled, this one much more real. Stupid goody two-shoes Shiho, always happy to help.

“No!” Rin did not shout. She was in control. In full control. She was not angry. Just coldly disappointed. Also coldly glaring at Shiho.

“You can eat, I think Rin wants to talk,” Shiho sighed.

Damned right, RIn wanted to talk. The self-taught prodigy of the distinguished Tohsaka lineage (self-proclaimed) had demands and questions, and Shiho fucking Emiya best be prepared to answer both if she knew what was good for her!

“It would be impolite of me to eat whilst you two had negotiations,” Saber stoically sighed.

Shiho frowned in thought before turning to Rin, clasping two hands together, “...Can we please eat first, Rin?”

Rin took a deep breath to steel herself and prepared to yel-- Damn, why’d the katsu have to smell so good? Rin didn’t really enjoy spice, stupid Kirei and stupid Mapo Tofu, but the sauce was melting into and mingling with the fragrance of the pork and just… No. Rin had to be strong. She had to show she was in charge.

If they ate now, Shiho would have the advantage since she’d be setting the tone of the talks… but she did ask to begin which meant that Shiho saw Rin as the superior right now. If she were to give permission to begin dinner, then it’d be just as if Rin Tohsaka was hosting the dinner. And then Shiho would be the one subservient since she was the one who had to make the food and all.

Basically, Rin was the honored guest in this scenario which meant…

Which meant it was perfectly okay if she ate this since it’d be the powerful and polite move. The best move to establish that Rin was in charge of dinner. Since Shiho was the one to cook for them.

“Fine,” Rin growled, picking up her bowl, “I suppose we can eat first before talking.”

Copying Rin, Shiho paused, “Does your Servant want to come in?”

Rin. What happened to killing Emiya?

“He doesn’t want to,” Rin paraphrased, beginning to dig in.

That is not what I meant, Rin.

“Ah,” Emiya sighed, “Well, I’ll just leave a bowl outside for him.”

Archer growled angrily as Emiya placed a covered bowl of katsudon on the veranda, “Tell him that he sucks.”

“He’s honored that you’re thinking of him though,” Rin twisted her Servant’s words 180 degrees of their intended meaning. That’d show her stupid Servant for trying to boss her around. Again.

“You are impossible.”

Yes, well, she wasn’t the  one being needlessly rude by refusing good hospitality and food. Shoveling a sinfully moist and juicy piece of katsu into her mouth, “This is very good.”

“Thank you,” Shiho bowed bashfully, rubbing the back of her head.

Emiya Shiho didn’t smile often, but when she did, it was something to behold. As it was, her beaming smile was almost enough to make Rin feel bad about wanting to demand Saber. Not enough to actually stop her, but it kind of hurt her kokoro just a bit, but damn it. She wanted the Grail, damn it. Her pride was on it! And also her family’s honor, maybe. Seeing as her family was herself though, same thing really.

“Rin. I thought the plan was killing Emiya?”

Rin ignored Archer. The more he whined about killing Emiya, the less she felt like killing Emiya. Also, this katsudon was good, better than the lunches Shiho usually brought. The difference between a cold bento and fresh food. Damn. Rin regretted not accepting Emiya’s invitations earlier now.

Also, wow, this was good. Emiya better have made enough for seconds.

“…Master. Why haven’t you killed Emiya yet? Actually, why are you eating his food!?”

“Emiya hasn’t said no to giving me Saber yet,” Rin explained, rolling her eyes. She didn’t care if Archer couldn’t see it, she needed to vent that emotion to him.

“Rin. You are eating the food. How does this lead into Emiya giving you Saber?”

Handing her empty bowl to Emiya for a refill, Rin sighed in her mind, “This is the first step in establishing dominance, Archer.”

“By… eating katsudon.”

“Katsudon is the meal of victories,” Rin declared and began eating anew, “and I will be victorious in acquiring Saber.”

“Which… includes killing Shiro Emiya?”

Archer was really turning down his Servant value every moment he spoke, wasn’t he? He got some points for fighting Lancer, Mano y Mano, but Rin was seriously considering researching a way for refunds. First, he’s not Actually Satan. Second, he has brain damage if he can’t tell gender apart. And Third, he wasn’t Saber.

Feeling merciful, Rin decided to correct his misconception, “Okay, that’s like… the third time you’ve made this mistake. Her name is Shiho. Not Shiro. Also, he is her. Are you sure you’re an Archer? I thought they’d have better eyes than this.”

“Wait. Shiho? Wait, Her!?”

Frowning, Rin realized that huh, maybe it wasn’t that hard of a mistake to make. Most people weren’t as astute and observant as Tohsaka Rin, so somebody meeting Shiho for the first time at school might make a mistake what with the crossdressing. She’d hold off on trying to get a Servant refund for now.

“…Huh, guess the Devil is blind in some aspects. Anyways, I’m done with the food. I”m going to go dominate Shiho now and get Saber.”

Finishing her bowl, Rin placed it down just a bit harder than necessary, grabbing Emiya and Saber’s attention.

Wiping her mouth with small taps, Rin began, “So did you notice a Brand on your body?”

“The Command Seals?” Emiya raised her hand, showing the back of her palm, “Yes. I’m not giving them to you, nor am I participating in the Murder-Death-Kill”

…Rin took a sip of tea to hide her complete and utter what-the-fuck expression. What the hell? She figured that Emiya had a bit of experience with magecraft since she didn’t seem too surprised, but to know what a command seal wa-- Wait. What did Shiho just call the Holy Grail War?

“What did you just say?”

“I’m not participating in the Murder-Death-Kill.”

Okay, so Rin did hear correctly. Good to know that she wasn’t suffering some spontaneous auditory hallucination.

Rin took another sip of tea. There were… so many things to address with that statement. First off, no. GIve her Saber. She wanted Saber. Second off, there was no ‘not participating in the Holy Grail War’. You got chosen, you got the seals, you got the Servant. You were already a part of the damn thing. Third off, what the fuck do you mean Murder-Death-Kill? This was a time-honored magus tradition. One did not simply call it the Murder-Death-Kill.

Setting her teacup down with as much control as possible, Rin calmly explained, “The Holy Grail War is not something one can simply opt out of.”

“Sure, I can,” Emiya stubbornly refused, “I’m just not going to kill anyone. I’ll fight, but not kill.”

That wasn’t-- That wouldn’t-- …Okay, maybe it would work because-- No, it woul-- Gah!

Why was Shiho always like this? This was just like that time she got the school dresscode changed by simply wearing the boy’s uniform and never going to detention. It had been funny seeing the schoolboard flounder and eventually give up on enforcing the dresscode on Emiya Shiho, but it was so much more annoying having it happen to her.

Rin felt like she’d have a better time punching a wall. At least then she’d get the satisfaction of impact. Arguing with Shiho when she got stubborn like this was like trying to kick water. Nothing happened except you got damp and cold and miserable.

“At least give me Saber!” Rin scowled, giving up on trying to talk sense into her, “If you’re not going to use her, let me have her.”

“She is her own individual,” Emiya sighed, “I am a firm believer against slavery.”

“Once more,” Saber sighed, sipping her own cup, “The Master-Servant system is not slavery.”

“Sure. Sure,” Emiya rolled her eyes.

“Can you even sustain her?” Rin tried appealing to Shiho’s sense of righteousness. If there was one weakness that Shiho had, it was that she was too soft. If Rin could make Emiya think that Saber would die under her care, then Emiya was sure to give Saber to Rin.

“...I think sex could work,” Emiya contemplated aloud.

It was a very good thing that she hadn’t taken a sip of tea. Unfortunately, Saber had and Shiho had to reach over and pound the Servant’s back.

Getting her breath under control, Rin took a bracing sip of tea. She was a first-rate magus. She understood the Mysteries of magecraft and was self-trained in her family’s magic. She knew how mana transfers work, and she was

She most definitely did not flush red at the thought of Shiho and Saber in a bed together, short-red hair drowning in long golden locks. Of muscular bodies and supple sinew intertwining. Of two sets of arms opening up and beckoning her to join them in be-- *Cough*

The point was that RIn did not blush.

“H-h-hentai Shiho!” Rin scowled. Maybe a little blushing. She had to hand it to Emiya, seeing a simple and wonderful solution to a technical problem. Shame it was a stopgap, but still! No matter. Rin would get Saber.

Cheeks faintly pink, Saber countered, “While the uh… notion is appreciated, I do not require any magical assistance as of now.”

Aw… Wait, why was Rin disappointed!? This was objectively a good thing. That meant Saber wouldn’t disappear.

…How wouldn’t Saber disappear? It was firmly established in Rin’s mind that Emiya was some sort of magus, but Rin could not see nor recall any hint of a Magic Crest on Emiya’s body, nor could she feel any substantial flow of Man traveling down the Master-Servant connection.

…Perhaps it was just the initial summoning and Saber was fully topped off. WHich meant that the mana transfer could still happen later. N-n-not that Rin was excited or anything. It’d just make it easier to convince Emiya to give her Saber at that time. And maybe have her help with the transfer…

NO. Just easier to get Saber. Nothing else.

“Maybe not now,” Emiya agreed, “But in the future. Unless we find a different way.”

Hah. Good luck with that! Better mages than you have tried and failed to find better ways of storing and transferring mana.

You know what? That was a good idea. Sooner or later, and most definitely sooner if Rin could nudge things along, Emiya would realize how futile it would be to avoid the Holy Grail War, how impossible it would be for a half-magus such as herself to sustain a wonderful, powerful Servant like Saber on her own, and then that would be Rin’s opening to swoop in, nab Saber, and offer to help train Emiya Shiho.

Yes. It was all coming together nicely.

Standing up and flicking her hair over her shoulder, Rin took charge. She couldn’t see a way to convince Emiya Shiho, confusing enigma that she was, but if she changed the playing ground, the battlefield.

Rin would win. This was most definitely not her running away because of Emiya; this was her tactically retreating to a better field and dragging Shiho with her. And Shiho would come with her. Silly girl had the weakness of being sentimental.

And if the half-decade of free lunches provided was anything to go by, Rin knew that Shiho was fond of her. Ipso facto, Emiya would come along with whatever Rin wanted to do within reason.

“Thank you for the meal,” Rin smiled, “I see that I can’t change your mind on this, but let’s at least get the basics done.”

“Careful, Master,” Saber scowled, “It’s a trap.”

Aw, how mean. Would she really be that tricky? …Yes, she would, but she would be… somewhat nice about it.

“Once again, not a Master, call me Shiho,” Emiya tried again, “And that depends on what the basics are.”

“Simple,” Rin tittered as she walked over and poked the kneeling Emiya’s cheek, hating every minute of acting like a stupid JK, “Let’s get you registered for the Holy Grail War.”

Pushing away the hand, Emiya kept up a bland mask as she sighed, “I told you, I’m not joining the Murder-Death-Kill.”

“But if you don’t get registered, then that means there would be a missing master! Who knows what the other masters would do to draw you out?” Rin took a step back and placed a palm on her cheek in faux-concern, “I wonder how many will go missing as the other master’s search for the hidden one?”

Was it dirty of her to pull on Emiya’s kindness? Absolutely. Did she want Saber? Hell to the L yes.

“Fine. Fine,” Shiho sighed even as Saber groaned, “I’ll go get registered. Sheesh, you’re so pushy.”

Rin would be angry if she wasn’t happy that she just won. Hah! Knew Shiho was a pushover. Now for the annoying bit.

“Great!” Rin chirped, “Let’s just go talk to Kotomine Kirei now and--”

While Rin was loath to approach Kotomine Kirei for anything, it was still surprising to hear a three-way chorused refusal of “Do we have to!? He sucks!”

=====

AN:
Not super happy about this one, but it's passable enough to set up the next chapter. Sorry about the delay.

I'm also revisiting an old original novel idea that I'm editing slightly and hoping to write more of.

Thank you!

Sorry about the impromptu break for the holidays! Really should've announced that.