Rough Draft of my Recursive Fanfiction of This Bites

THis is just something I wrote whenever I hit writer's block for AGT. I might publish it, actually no I am, but it's not goign to be a focus of mine. Thoughts? Opinions?

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I saw a caravel with the figurehead of a lamb in port and sighed.

As trite as it may seem to say, I knew that the time had come.

It felt vaguely disappointing, seeing the Going Merry in port. Really felt like there should have been more aplomb or something. A resounding shake of the world, an upturning of the status, but no. Just a steady, sinking feeling in my chest as I pulled along the cart down the snowy, forested slope of the mountain, bringing medical supplies to the port town, Bighorn.

And I always had a steady, sinking feeling in my chest, so that was nothing new.

“So that’s the ship, eh?” a quack doctor whispered curiously.

His voice was comforting, if a bit manic. Death did little to quell the Quack Doctor Hiriluk’s utter zeal for life, and befitting his quackery as a false doctor, he meddled anywhere and everywhere he could, haunting in… questionably helpful mannerisms. Lingering around the various villages of Drum Island, he always made sure to haunt his, and I quote, “favorite people”.

Why he included me, I do not know since I never met him when he was alive, but I’m honored nevertheless that he liked me enough to list me as a favorite. Besides, I enjoyed talking with him.

Today was… a bit more melancholic than usual.

“Eeyup, Dr. Hiriluk,” I answered with a sigh, “That’s the ship.”

He hummed for a bit before asking, “So? What are you going to do?”

“Get my affairs in order here, and then tag along for their journey a bit. That crew is my best chance of getting back the mirror,” I answered, trudging along the snow. It was cold and wet, but such was the reality of living in the Drum Kingdom. I wish I could wear shoes, but they only squished the fur on my feet unpleasantly against itself, making it not only wet, but also sweaty and sticky. Very annoying.

“No worries about preserving ‘canon’?” the ghost wondered.

Clicking my tongue, I grumbled, “Oh, that ship’s sailed, butterflies came in and commandeered it into a whirlpool of despair and uncertainty, and Davy Jones having an opium party with the caterpillar babies of said butterfly..”

“...Hoooo,” Dr. Hiriluk whistled, but was thankfully silent other than that. It was hard to pin down what he was thinking, but his essence had been fading as of late, and had only strengthened again recently to the point where he could begin speaking again.

Still, after such an embarrassing outburst, it was a bit awkward of me to continue the conversation, so I was beyond thankful when several snowdrifts shuddered and shook, collapsing off in waves as giant rabbits emerged.

Lapahns, native carnivorous rabbits of the island, they were the apex predators of the Drum Kingdom, powerful and bulky, their thick fur and blubber making them uniquely prepared to endure the cold winters. Polar Bears wished they were Lapahns. As it were, they would swear off hunting rabbits should a bear ever meet the giant rabbit.

Most importantly, they were highly intelligent and social pack creatures, having societies that could rival humans, and indeed, there were conflicts in the past between humans and Lapahns, even a few wars, but an uneasy armistice had eventually settled between the two apex races of the island, with humans claiming the safety of the various towns and tops of the drum-like mountains and all the forests and mountain slopes becoming the Lapahn’s territory.

As the Lapahns woke from their slumber, three of them loped towards me and quickly caught up to my leisurely stride, changing from a blistering four legged stride to a lax two legged walk that easily kept up with my cart. They easily towered over me, three times my height. To be fair though, I was only one and a half meters tall.

“Good morning,” I greeted them.

In response, they all thumped their chest twice in return. While peace is being made between the Lapahns and humans after the recent change in regime, switching from an authoritarian monarchy to a burgeoning democracy, most people would be better off somewhere else. I was fortunate enough to be an exception.

Besides, like recognized like.

“There’s a few honeycakes in the back, so feel free to take some,” I announced to the trio that would be escorting me.

Their sharp, beady eyes softened, and my escort quickly wrestled amongst themselves to be the first to get breakfast. Despite the in-fighting, they kept their rumble rolling along to the sleigh’s space while I rolled my eyes at the idiocy. There were enough honeycakes for all of them. Empty Night, I even made sure there was extra for them.

I understand the Elder’s logic in sending the youngest to the human village to acclimatize them to the upcoming social changes, but they’re always so unprofessional. Getting better sure, but… I’m really worried about what they’re going to do when I’m gone.  It would be a shame to have all that diplomacy I had to do to get even this far to suddenly be set back because of teenage idiocy.

“You know, Reisen,” Dr. Hiriluk whispered suddenly, “You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to. You deserve to be happy too.”

That was a… weird non-sequitur. I thought we were done with the previous topic, but evidently not?

“Of course, I do?” I frowned in confusion at that statement. Obviously, I deserved to be happy. It’s the right of all sentients to search for happiness. I made sure to have Dalton include that in Drum Island’s Declaration of Independence, even if I had to plagiarize America’s Declaration of Independence.

A breathy sigh tickled my ear even as he chuckled sadly,  “You know that, but you don’t feel it.”

“That makes no sense,” I muttered.

“Just remember that, okay?”

Weird thing to say, but… eh. It still felt nice to be worried about though. I rolled my eyes and smiled fondly for the old ghost to see, even if I couldn’t see him, “Of course, I will, you quack of a doctor.”

Even though it was cold, something warm squeezed my shoulder. Then Dr. Hiriluk’s presence disappeared. Typical ghosts. Always leaving in the most dramatic way possible. He’ll probably see Chopper and me off though. He better.

...I hope his ghost stays long after we leave. The idea of a ghost doctor, even a quack one, who simply wanted to help and watch over the helpless was a comforting one to hold onto. He had been fading away as of late, but my idle plan of spreading his story seems to be working though. His voice sounded stronger and clearer than before, so maybe growing his legend is working. Maybe he’ll get enough strength that I can see his ghost properly again and not just hear his whispers. Creating a lasting myth is a finicky thing at the best of times though.

...I really should stop second guessing myself. My plan was working, and a story spread is never quite dead.

...I still would like to see him again, before I go, and Chopper would too.

Maybe if I… Hm, it was a bit early, but maybe I should see if my little side project could help strengthen his spirit for one last appearance as we leave.

...Thoughts for later. We have a day to get through first.

“All right, Lapahns!” I announced, shoving musings on myths aside and focusing on what was really important, “Finish up your snacks, we’ve got a date with destiny today.”

Ignoring their confused looks and silently laughing at the slow eater panicking at my sudden sprint, I smiled as I hopped up and backwards to ride the sleigh down the hill. Today was my last day in Drum Kingdom. Might as well enjoy it.

Nope, not enjoying this. Empty Night, this is going to go so shit. I was about to get into town proper when I saw the ship and just...

No. Nope. Europe. I can’t do this. No, Fuck you! I could absolutely do this. You could do this. I have this.

Remember. I just had to play it cool. No fangirl Reisen. Just… cool, aloof Reisen. Be the cool gal, you always are. Ice-cold bunny bitch. No freaking out. Cool kuudere that’s the strongest on the island, that’s what you are. Just play it cool.

Standing up, I swatted away the large Lapahn paw that had been coming down to pat my back, getting up from my crouched position and folding the paper bag I was breathing into my coat. I scowled at the lumbering rabbit.

Seeing his buddies comfort him made me feel bad though. Sighing, I walked up to him and patted his hip, the highest part I could r  each, “Sorry, buddy. I just don't’ like being touched without warning, ‘kay?”

Nodding, his beady little eyes almost lit up in a smile. Good, no hard feelings then.

Pulling the cart into Bighorn, we were quite the orderly procession, a medicine merchant and her guards. It was hard to imagine that the sight of Lapahns would have caused a panic a few months ago, but now it was treated as routine. A few children even rushed forward to swarm around the Lapahn’s legs, but as expected, their parents quickly called them back. Still sad to see happen though.

One day though, the two dominant races of the island will make a truce and even become allies. It happened in canon, and it’ll happen again. Hopefully, the little pushes I nudged help it happen faster.

Snow covered the thatched roofs of the buildings of Bighorn, but this was Drum Island. The day there was no snow on Drum was the day Hell froze over. They were all short, squat buildings, the highest one having three floors. It had a homely village, one only strengthened by the disappearance of the recent king.

Wapol would come back, but if events played out right, today would be the last time he terrorized it. And if it wasn’t? Well, the snows have hidden more important things than dead despots.

Shelving that thought of idle murder, I focused on my potentially lifesaving errand of delivering supplies. Making it to the town’s main warehouse, the largest building of Bighorn that stored all the extra supplies and doubled as a shelter during emergencies, we found the owner waiting for us. Lifting a steaming mug in greeting, he barked at some some workers to open up the doors, allowing me to pull the sleigh in. I winced as one box got caught by the overhang and slid off, almost falling. Thankfully, one of the Lapahns caught it.

“Nice catch,” one of the clerks complimented from the side, casually recording the contents of the warehouse in the presence of a previously feared monster, and it was adorable to watch a monstrous giant of a rabbit rub the back of its head self-consciously.

It felt bittersweet, knowing that this would be my last delivery. Pulling it to the back, I slipped free of the reins and clapped twice, ordering, “All right, buns! Start unpacking.”

It was so nice to have muscle do the grunt work for you. Packing all the boxes of medical supplies had been a pain in the ass to do by myself and don’t even get me started on how irritating it was to finagle the sleigh onto the elevator, but it was so satisfying watching other people do the hard work.

I had other things to do though.

“Oi, where’s Dalton?” I asked, shouting to everyone in and near the warehouse.

“In the village square!” a worker shouted from the far back, voice echoing in the warehouse, “He’s talking with the new crew that just came in.”

“No, he’s not!” another worker corrected, voice echoing from elsewhere before addressing me, “He’s taken them to a building on the edge of town, Reisen. Don’t know which one though, sorry!”

“Thanks!” I called out.

“Thanks for the delivery!” the worker shouted back.

“You’re welcome!” I replied.

Whelp, that’s my next task found. Turning around, I found that the Lapahn trio was milling about, having finished their work.

“You guys done?”

At their nods, I smiled, “Whelp, good job! You guys learned the ropes yet?”

Looking at one another, they shrugged before eventually settling on another nod.

“Good,” I commented, “Because this is the last time I’m going to be supervising. Next time, y’alls are going to be doing this by yourself. Go up the elevator, listen to Doctorine, and bring the packages back just like I showed you. If there’s anything confusing, just listen to the workers here, okay? You guys are setting the example for upcoming generations of Lapahns.”

Surprisingly, the trio quickly surrounded me. Immediately, I began sparking Electro off which quickly got them to back off. Shutting off my Electro, I scowled and scolded them,“Oi! Calm down! You guys are doing well! You guys have been ready for a long time, but I’m leaving now. So tell-- Back off!”

They broke their attempts to crowd me again. Ugh, so clingy. I don’t even know why. I beat them up a few times when they were rebellious, why are they so touchy feely now!?

“I was always going to go,” I sighed after seeing a pitiful gloom envelop them, “Sorry, it’s last minute, but tell Leader Lapahn that I’m leaving to retrieve an origin. She’ll know what I mean, and we’ve already discussed plans for future Human-Lapahn relations. You guys are going to be the leaders here, so I’m leaving it to you now.”

I thought telling them that they were going to be important leaders of the pack would cheer them up, but if anything, that seemed to only make the trio sulk all the harder. If you’ve never seen monstrous bunnies sulk, well… It’s just as sad as seeing small ones sulk. Somehow more so since there’s the gap moe of horrifying and cute to consider. Kowaii kawaii, I think it’s called.

“Aw, don’t be like that,” I patted each of their hips, “Just think of it as a small break. You guys will still get your honeycakes, just from someone else” I grinned, Empty night! You’re gonna get paid too! I finally got Doctorine to work out something with them.”

...No reactions.

“All right. Fine,” I pouted, crossing my arms, “One hug from each of you. And not too tight.”

Immediately, they brightened up and lined up to hug me, and predictably, they didn’t listen, squeezing me far too tightly. I will forever deny I made a squeaking sound. It did feel nice to be hugged against their fluffy exterior. I had a limit though and sparked to let them know when I hit it for each one of them.

Adjusting my off-tilted Ushanka and tucking my long-ears and hair back in, I scowled good-naturedly at them, “You’ve had your one hug, now git! And be good! Take care of one another and stay safe!”

Not-quite grinning, the trio saluted in unison, thumping the right paw over their chest three times. Then they scampered off. I could hear the surprised shouts of the villagers, but nothing to be worried about. They were getting better at being non-threatening, but by Caerbonnog, would it kill them to learn a few traffic laws?

“You’re leaving the island?” someone asked.

“Eeyup,” I answered casually. Then I froze as I realized this could lead to other people wanting a hug. As a bunny furry, I was very huggable and… Eenope.

Dashing out of the warehouse, I took a running sprint across the white snow before bounding up to the rooftops. I called back, “Have someone bring the sleigh back to the usual spot, I’m going to talk to Dalton before I go!”

Not stopping to hear an affirmation, I hopped from roof to roof, eventually jumping on top of the watchtower, searching for the green behemoth that was Dalton.

“Reisen!” the watchmen called out, “Is that you!?”

“Eeyupu!” I smiled, hanging upside down to look at him, keeping one hand on my hat to keep it from falling off, “I’m looking for Dalton right now though!”

He pointed towards a building on the outskirts of town, “He’s over there!”

Following where he pointed, I grinned, “Thanks!”

Kicking off the roof, I soared through the air. I had been reborn as a minkmen for the better part of two decades, but I still remembered a lifetime of being a weak human before, so I loved the mobility and freedom that I now had.

It was the little things in life that made it worth living.

Ah! I found Dalton! He’s walking down main street. Hulking dude dressed in green with slick black haired accented with sideburns and a surprisingly non-evil right-side up triangle goatee, he had a stern gaze that was softened by his love for Sakura Kingdom. He would certainly have my vote and did in fact have my vote during the recent election.

“Yo, Dalton!” I hollered, grabbing his attention. Waving with both hands in the air, I grinned when he waved back.Hopping off the watchtower, I scampered towards him, leaping and skipping over one, two, three rooftops before flipping into a three-point landing in front of him. Getting up and brushing off the snow from my white labcoat, I grinned, “Just the man I was looking for!”

“Greetings, honored Sukeban,” Dalton bowed, stern face smirking ever so softly

It was a good thing I wore a facemask. Facemasks, keeping you safe from disease and also turning anyone into a half decent poker player. I still cringed, shuddering with my entire body, at the reminder of my dark past, “Oi! Stop that, Dalton! That was back when I was… stupid and edgy and… ugh. Just call me Reisen.”

“Very well…” Dalton acquiesced before smirking, “Reisen Sukeban.”

“Fine,” I scowled before smirking slyly, “Be that way, President Dalton.”

“It’s not official yet,” Dalton protested.

“Yeah, yeah,” I rolled my eyes as I walked with him, “It’s almost as if you weren’t the only one running in this damn election. I’d call it a sham one, but you’re too much of a himbo to do anything underhanded like that.”

“Kureha ran too.”

If my eyes rolled any harder, I’d be seeing my own brain, “You and I both know she did it only for shits and giggles.”

“...So there’s a group of people looking for a doctor,” he deflected, walking away and waving for me to follow him.

“There always is,” I commented idly, hopping up to sit lightly on his left shoulder, crossing my legs on his back, “Have you explained to them how the payment plan works?”

“Already did,” Dalton nodded, not even noticing my weight nor adjusting his stride to compensate. He really was just that strong,  “Standard down payment, and they pay 25-75% of the expenses incurred, depending on their income and how much it cost.”

Ah, this was going to be one of my favorite changes I leave behind, something small that would be overlooked in an epic story, but important for the daily lives of people. Maybe it happened in canon, maybe it didn’t, but helping create a universal healthcare system for Drum Kingdom felt good. I stated as such, “Good, Doctorine’s finally agreed with the National Health Service, so that’s the biggest problem taken care of.”

“Oh, thank you,” Dalton sighed, placing a hand over his heart. who could blame him? Kureha was draconian in her payment, but that’s only because she learned it from a harsher time. She argued dirty and fought lethally though, and I was just about the only one she would listen to.

Stubborn old witch. I loved her though. She was a softie just as much as the Old Quack, albeit far more skilled and experienced. More importantly, she was good to me and Chops and… I’m going to miss her. Though… once I find the Mirror I could… Nah, I”m getting ahead of myself. Focus on the now. You’re ready, you got this, you can do this, Reisen.

“You’re welcome.” I smiled, patting his back. I should pump myself up more, it feels great to have confidence, “I’ll leave you to figure out the tax plans for everybody else on island, but remember how it works, okay? Everybody helps everybody, and that keeps costs low for everybody. Do NOT let privatized insurance become a thing. It’ll be like Wapol except a thousand times worse.  PROMISE ME!”

“Okay! OKay!” Dalton frantically answered, a bit muffled from how squished his cheeks were. Whoops, I was the one squishing his cheeks. I quickly let go, “I promise to never let privatized insurance become a thing!

“...Good,” I nodded, readjusting my ushanka sheepishly, “Sorry about the cheeks.”

“Why are you suddenly so intense about this?” “You talk as if you won’t be around for the rest of this.”

“That’s because I am leaving today,” I sighed, hopping down as we neared the house, “The whims of destiny have knocked, and whilst I’d prefer to stay in bed and sleep, I must answer them.”

“Ah,” Dalton nodded, “You’re chasing after Blackbeard.”

“Eeyup,” I sighed with a smile, shrugging and shaking my head despondently, “The mirror’s too dangerous to leave in the hands of that madman.”

“And I suppose you’ll be going with these pirates?”

“Mmhmm.”

“That does make me feel better about trusting them,” Dalton sighed with relief.

“Why would me trusting them make you feel better?” I asked, confused.

Dalton just looked at me before smiling fondly and patting my head, mussing with my Ushanka. I liked him, and his pat did feel nice, but I’d still prefer to have him ask first, damn it.

“Oi!” I zapped him lightly, scowling even as Dalton shook his hand in pain, “Ask first!”

“Sorry. Sorry,” Dalton smiled ruefully, “It’s just funny to see that for all your similarities to Kureha, you’re so similar to Chopper.”

“What the hell does that mean?” I grumbled, adjusting my headwear. My long ears had been in the right position too, and now it was going to be annoying to readjust it to the right comfy zone. Kicking open the door, I channeled my best Doctorine as I could, “All right! Who’s the patient?”

I didn’t need to ask. I already knew it was Nami from my memories of canon. I didn’t remember the small details well, but big details were easy enough, and someone almost dying was a big detail.

“You’re a talking rabbit!?” the inhabitants all gasped in surprise. I had to focus on not rolling my eyes. Everytime I swear. Everytime I get either the “You talk!” or a surprise hug. Taking a quick scan of the room, I mentally noted and named the inhabitants.

Blue hair, royal bearing, that would be Vivi, temporary yet eternal Straw Hat in the hearts of the reader. Long-nosed man hiding in corner, that would be the sniper, Usopp. Blond posh man smoking, obviously Sanji who is thankfully not fawning over me. Note to self, see how long I can hide my tits from him. Orange haired girl wiping down the patient, obviously Nami, navigator extraordinaire. I think all we’re missing is Zoro who should be giving himself hypothermia in the river. Oh, and the duck, forget his name. Kazoo or something. He’s probably important, but only for the Alabasta arc.

“You’re a talking rabbit!” the boy in a straw hat declared gleefully, rushing in to tackle me and demonstrating the second reaction to my existence as a bunny anthro. I stepped to the side and dodge the hug. I don’t mind being touched, but I like warnings and I like giving permission. Still it was good to know where Luffy was.

“Hare actually. Don’t touch me without permission. Unless it’s an emergency, then only as long as needed,” I corrected and warned. It was semantics really on whether I was a hare or a rabbit or a bunny, but fun semantics, “Now where’s the patient?”

I didn’t wait for an answer, having already spotted her lying in bed. Just as I remembered, blond hair, male, black and white transponder snail sitting on forehead. This would be…

Jeremiah Cross. Jeremiah fucking Cross. Voice of Anarchy. Main Character of This Bites, one of the most popular One Piece Fanfictions to ever exist. Spark that ignites world changing revolutions. Jeremiah fucking Cross is fucking here and…

And..

And..

And wow. I was so wrong earlier. I absolutely am not ready for this. Not even remotely. We are reaching levels of so not ready that it’s a surprise that I can function at all. I might as well be a Bethesda game with how fucking unprepared I am. I don’t even remember how Bethesda games went, it’s been decades since I’ve even touched a computer.

Canon? What canon? It’s all fanon. Fanon all the way down. Who the fuck even knows about the turtles? This universe is just fanfiction squared and, Stars and Stones, who knows what that means! Certainly not me!

I’m spiraling, aren’t I? This strange float-y feeling is definitely me spiraling. Wow, I thought I was over this, but apparently not. Good to know. Good to fucking know.

“Reisen?” Dalton’s voice drew me out of my spiral ever so slightly. I was outside again. When did I make it outside?

I looked back and nodded in satisfaction at seeing the door closed, answering my own question. I must have backed out and closed the door. That must have been hilarious to see from their perspective. Just see a medical practitioner walk in and then walk out immediately. Or anxiety inducing. Who knows? Who cares? Certainly not me.

“Reisen, are you okay?” Dalton asked, hand reaching out, but stopping. Good of him to respect my personal space. GOod job on him.

Calling upon the Nagi Nagi no Mi, I felt a preternatural sense of calm settle upon myself. There, much better. Cool, calm, collected. Kind of, sort of, close enough. Motioning at a random general direction, I smiled blandly to Dalton, saying, “Reisen is… going over there now. She is going to make a Circle of Silence and have a small and quiet breakdown now. Please give Reisen five… no ten minutes. If Reisen is still inactive, you may pet her to reset her.”

I then walked over to where I had gestured and sat down, digging a small divot into the snow before hugging my knees and staring into the empty white so typical of Drum Island. I was probably going to regret referring to myself in the third person, but it helped detach myself from the… situation as of now, so fuck it! What’s a bit of shame compared to shock, eh?

It feels so nice to only be focused on this now, not even thinking about the future. Good anxiety attacks are like that, just… completely shutting down and detaching from whatever hurt you. Even with my emotions numb though, this didn’t feel quite right. I tried toppling to my side and began rocking. That helped. Why don’t I shut off my emotions more often? Everything feels so neat and tidy right now.

Remember, bun spelled backward is nub, which is only missing m for numb! No idea what the m represents, but it’s sure helping this bun against existential ennui! Perhaps it could be madness, but who cares? Not me!

...I lied, I care, I very much care. Hooie, I hope Bugs Bunny was wrong about taking life seriously because if he’s right, I am never getting out of life alive at this rate.