something personal

the past few days have been really hard for me and i still haven't really realized what happened. my bunny Luna fell sick on Saturday and passed away on Monday, and it was a horrible weekend. you don't need to read the full thing. just want to tell you that i might not be able to update this month, or if, then it will be pretty short! please don't expect me to be around too much the next days (especially Discord) ;; i will definitely work on pages because i noticed how comforting it is to get back to the boys and only think about them. they help me to cope with everything. but i need to keep a bit to myself for now. i will need a while until i get over it. 

the photos above are some of my favorites of her, and the sketch is from 2017 and i found it while i looked through photos, too. Luna was the absolute cutest baby, very active and loved adventures, always found new weird games to play and new weird places to sit and to hide in my room. and i love her with all my heart

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following bit contains: tw animal death / sickness 

on Saturday when i went to give my bunnies something to eat i noticed that Luna wouldn't come running to get food. when i looked for her i found her with her head in an extremely weird angle, head tilted, eyes wide open, she made very weird movements with her head, from side to side. i immediately knew that something is wrong and panicked, but i called the vet, Emergency, because every vet was already closed. 10 minutes later i was with her at the vet. just lifting her into the box and seeing her roll into the blanket without any coordination broke my heart.

he checked her and told me she has e. cuniculi. i won't explain what this is, but most rabbits have it already in their bodies and it's just dormant. the symptoms are horrible and i've never witnessed something like this and i didn't know that a healthy rabbit can just... get like this all of a sudden, and that it can break out in just a few hours. he treated her and told me that sometimes they have a chance to survive and even get healthy again, and because i acted quickly we should try. so i took her home and tried.

i fed her with my fingers and tried to keep her hydrated every hour, i didn't sleep at all for the whole weekend. maybe you know that already, but bunnies need to constantly eat and need access to food or they will die extremely fast. so i stayed with her on the floor and even my bathroom breaks were just rushed and i tried to get back to her asap. she just rolled around uncontrolled and then laid on her side for a bit, couldn't walk or only in circles. when i held her and gave her support, she could sleep a little sometimes with her head in my hand. i don't know- i won't ever get those images out of my head. 

on Sunday she got treated again and he said it's gotten worse, and that it's a bad case, but we shouldn't give up yet, because after two days it can't be said yet. i was ready to try for 2 or 3 weeks... which is the usual time for a bunny to maybe get healthy again from this thing. she would've stayed a special needs bunny but i was ready for it, and so i tried. but on Sunday night to Monday she wouldn't eat anymore and wouldn't accept something to drink, and i just knew she was tired. she was mopey and pushed my hand away, but then searched for me again and licked my hand for comfort. a lot of times... and after some hours she began to drink and eat again... my hope went up and down so often over the weekend, i was like.. really really hopeful, but whenever i looked into her eyes and into her small face i felt so incredibly sorry for her and i hoped so much that it wasn't too painful for her. and i thought maybe it would be better if i could release her from it

so Monday came, and i took her to the vet again and after i showed him videos of the night... we both knew it was better to let her go. we didn't even talk much. i just said "please" and started crying again, and he put his hand above his heart, he felt so sorry and he was so sweet and i'm so grateful that the was so gentle - i won't forget this either. he put her on my lap into the blanket and left us alone and i held her until she fell asleep. i just didn't want her to be alone through it all, and i'm glad i could at least be there for her until the very last moment.

this was the second time a bunny died in my arms in the span of a few years and i just.. i'm incredibly sad and exhausted ;; but i know i tried everything i could. and it is over for her now and she's not hurting anymore. 

and because this whole comic is very extremely personal... i think the more you know about me, the more you will notice these things in the comic. like this part where Noah and Robin talk about Robin's thoughts, i wrote this part as a parallel for nature spirits / places. but also as comfort for myself (the bunny pictured in Robin's hands is Leeloo. she died in 2013, she was 2 years old, and she was the reason why i adopted Luna a few weeks later)

"you have to let go" is the hardest part, but you really have to, at one point. 

through all of this, my other bunny Mickey - an almost 9 year old bunny grandpa - didn't get in contact with her. it was dangerous for both of them because of her rolling around so much, and i wanted to wait until the third day is over to see if i want to put them back together, and i'm glad i didn't. Mickey now has a completely different area for himself, he has new food bowls, and a new small house, everything new. i just had to get rid of everything else the past two days, rearranged things, went to buy new ones, and so on. now it's him and me in my room, and i'm glad he's still here. i will love him extra hard now if he wants to or not and i check on him as often as i can and play together 💙 currently he's relaxing and looking pretty content and he even did some binkies when he got treats earlier which is a very very good sign and i'm glad (a bunny binky is a jump or a small dance in the air when bunnies can't contain happiness, it's super cute)

... ; ; patreon is a bit like my diary, but i kinda had to write it all down. and i want you to know what's happening, even though i'm always pretty private on other social media. thank you for being there, and please take care 💕 i really love you