What would it be like to date the Avengers

MARVEL UNIVERSE SPOILER ALERT

After watching Captain America Civil War I started to wonder whether or not I’d be able to date any of the Avengers shown in the Marvel Movies Universe. These are some of my thoughts: 

Natasha Romanova, BLACK WIDOW

Natasha is incredible. I would love massaging and stretching out Natasha’s muscles all partner-yoga style, dressing her wounds, and listening to her poke fun of the guys. I think we’d get along well given her demeanor at Clint’s home and at the various social gatherings. The catch for me though, is Banner. I perceive that she cares deeply for him and quietly longs for a reunion in a way that I don’t think I could comfort. Maybe that’s what I like about her, she’s not looking to be fixed; she just wants to be understood complexly. 

I could be Natasha’s big spoon while re-watching Sexplanations episodes and Avengers. We could talk about how lousy it is that there aren’t Black Widow movies and follow Kevin Feige on Twitter for promises. I’d joke about setting-up an Indiegogo campaign to crowdfund a trilogy just in case and design Black Widow merch mock-ups to sell at DFTBA. We’d fall asleep talking about parenting adopted children and every once in awhile I’d shake her a little to stop the nightmares. 

Mostly we’d be warm bodies for one another, probably nothing romantic or sexual. Gentle wrestling, scrubbing each other’s backs in the shower, maybe masturbation races, but sex, totally her call. I want her to feel like it’s all on her terms; she doesn’t have to use sex for power or manipulation or love. 

Date-ability: 7/10

Natasha + Bruce + Lindsey. If Bruce and Natasha were into having a sexologist lover who’d do her best to add to their relationship, not compromise it, I’d consider a triad. I’d understand their already established, though strained relationship, and might even be able to help them navigate romance. I could be there for Natasha when Banner is emotionally and or physically unavailable. I could be there for Banner when he’s grieving damage done. We could all share a huge bed and I’d still be the big spoon. 

Date-ability: 6/10

Steve Rogers, CAPTAIN AMERICA

I’d like to flirt with him, touch his muscles if it was cool, and maybe make out once in awhile but the age/life experience differences would be challenging for me. It boggles my mind that he was Captain America before I was even an egg cell in my grandmother’s fetus. 

Sexually I think our relationship would be more educational. I’d fill him in on the STI epidemics and contraceptive options, let him try out the sex swing in my office, and answer any question he desired. Maybe he’d be up for a Sexplanations video spotlighting him. Just no physical sex. Instead I’d teach about dating websites and apps if he was into it, mainly how to set up profiles so you can peruse without a public profile. We’d go out to dinner often so I could demonstrate modern courtship. We’d talk about our appreciation of pubic hair and swing dancing. I’d inform him circumcision isn’t a necessary routine medical practice. He’d inform me about American and World history. Essentially we’d be dating for practice nothing romantic... unless of course the proximity and mere exposure effects set in and we wanted to be together. Then I’d get over my hang-ups, stop being his personal sex educator, and fulfill my identity as a spinner. 

Date-ability: 1/10

Bruce Banner, HULK

Keeping in mind that I would not want to cock block Natasha, this is based on them having an open relationship or them really deciding not to be together. Either way I think a relationship with Bruce would be difficult because of our similarities. Hopefully we’d nerd out all day, have coy conversations both humbling and flattering, but if either of our illnesses were activated someone would end up hurt or dead. I really suffer when I’m disappointed or resentful and he sometimes destroys Harlem. It would take extraordinary patience and understanding for us to date let alone commit. 

That said, I’m very attracted to Banner. I like his scraggly hair and glasses. The pants are sensical, given the need to stretch. And the fact that Tony Stark needs him on occasion for projects like Ultron and Vision, is a major turn-on. 

Date-ability: 4/10 - 9/10

Tony Stark, IRON MAN

So let’s say that if things really do fall through with Pepper and he doesn’t rebound with Aunt May, it’d still be a while before he fully grieves and I pursue a relationship with his broken heart. I would be good for him though. I’d sass him like Pepper and entertain all his friends. I’d figure out clever dates for us that even Jarvis’ and Friday couldn’t devise. I’d give him space to work and focus on my own career so we’d grow independently but accompany him on extravagant trips so we’d also grow together. I’d encourage an open relationship so we could see other people, mandatory condom-use of course. To avoid wait times with constant STI-testing, he’d invent instant detection and show me the results before we’d play. Given that he’s a man of such high power, he’s probably into D/s. If I wasn’t able to really dominate him, I’d support him hiring the best of the best Dommes. That and coordinate amazing scene-delineated parties which the other Avengers would of course be invited to. I think my biggest concern is that if Pepper can’t handle his lifestyle, I don’t know how I could....

Date-ability: 6/10

THOR

Sex first: I have this feeling that if Norse gods have human-like genitals and Thor has a penis, it would tear me apart. Then again, if it didn’t, I would feel like a champ! I mean, eight pound babies come out of vaginas so at least I can handle a baby-sized Thor schlong. Maybe. 

Love: based on the matching hypothesis we’re unfit. I’d be confused by any affection he had for me, constantly thinking “he should be with Sif!” 

Companionship: meh, he’s usually gone in another realm or on Earth in some dramatic battle. There’s no Netflix and Chill for this guy! What would we even watch? Firefly?

Date-ability: 1/10

Thor + Loki + Lindsey.  I’ve never really gotten the whole having sex with twins or sisters fantasy until I dreamt about a Thor and Loki threesome. This I would choose above all other Avenger relationship scenarios. 

Fuck-ability: 10/10

Sam Wilson, FALCON

I think I’d feel the most secure in this relationship. Sam, from what I can tell, tends to stay close to home base and do what’s right. He has the heart and athleticism of Captain America without the depressing Nazi Germany history and complicated body alterations. Plus, Sam appreciates Ant Man like I do. We could laugh about their fight scenes and have Scott over for dinner. And if there was a way Tony could adjust the “bird costume” a little I bet we’d also be super into flying sex like eagles! Even without the sex though, having a partner who could fly me around would be incredibly romantic. We could go on short flights each morning before he went to the compound and I’d help out by cleaning his suit so it didn’t smell like hockey sweat. 

Date-ability: 9/10

Lieutenant James Rhodes, WAR MACHINE

I think he’s funny and he’s certainly a helpful guy -- a keeper if you will. For the next while he’s going to be nursing his spine back to health so we’d have a lot of time to get to know each other. He might be able to connect me with government support for comprehensive sex education and I could help him maneuver his healing body into new sex positions. Bonus: If Tony gets back together with Pepper we could double-date them. 

Date-ability: 6/10

Pietro Maximoff, QUICKSILVER

Can’t date. Not alive. 

Date-ability: 0/10

Peter Parker, SPIDER-MAN

If we go with current age Avengers, too young. I’d love match-making him with others though like Sabrina Cruz from Nerdy and Quirky or Connor Manning. 

Date-ability: 1/10

Wanda Maximoff, SCARLET WITCH
Also, on the young side. Maybe I’d give her a lady kiss like Madonna to Britney but beyond that we’d keep our distance. I don’t want her in my mind that’s for sure. I don’t even know that I’ve forgiven her for what she did in the first half of Age of Ultron. 

Date-ability: 1/10

Scott Lang, ANT MAN

We’re dating. We’re partners in the lab, partners in love and crime and bed. I just adore his ants and think he’s pretty great too. His daughter is a sweetheart. His ex- and I get along; she was great in Wedding Planner! As for Hope (Pym’s daughter) the two of them only kissed; there’s nothing there anymore; she’s more excited about having her own suit. 

Scott and I love picnics together. We enjoy watching heist movies and animal documentaries. I don’t shame him for his past. He doesn’t shame me for being obsessed with vulvas. We’re a great team with lots of love to give each other. 

I hope his friends will meet some nice dating partners and do something about that musical van horn. He hopes that the Avengers will include him more often and I’ll do an episode on microphilia and macrophilia. 

Date-ability: 9/10

T’Challa, BLACK PANTHER

I’m intimidated by his royal status, like Thor’s. I also feel like he keeps too many secrets: lots of hiding places, battles he’s been in and can’t address. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t know him very well and we’d really need to start things slowly. Maybe a date. Would he cook? Maybe authentic Wakandan cuisine. Speaking of, would this be a very long-distance relationship!? 

Mostly we don’t seem to have anything going for us but I will say I admire his patience and timing. I think if we were to end up together it would be because he thought about all the options and reasons and chose me thoughtfully. 

Date-ability: 5/10

Bucky Barnes, WINTER SOLDIER

Nope, to dating. Lots of reasons. Mainly I think I’d be too controlling trying to protect him from turning back into a lethal weapon. While it would be fun though to have really wild and passionate sex right before he was put under, it’s not a dating scenario I wish to pursue. 

Date-ability: 1/10

Clint Barton, HAWKEYE

Married in what I assume to be a closed relationship. If it wasn’t, I think he’d be all over Natasha. 

Date-ability: 0/10

VISION

I think this would be the most intimate relationship. We’d work to understand one another and improve ourselves. We’d talk a lot before and during sex to have the best experience. We’d ask questions of the other Avengers to maintain a sense of community but would also preserve our own privacy. I think it would be a nice long-term commitment. He’s honest! Or so he seems. 

Date-ability: 8/10

Maybe you’ll all tell me there’s more to these characters than I’m aware of and I’ll have to rethink my dating strategies. Until then, stay curious.