Good & Bad Journal Prompt

Conflicting emotions-

Last week, I shared a little of my unresolved grief that led to an unexplainable depression in childhood. This is a result of purposful trauma work surrounding the Chakras.  I am learning Chakra trauma repair in one of the classes. Mind mind-blowing stuff. Super effective and simple- my kind of tools. Once I complete my training, I can offer this service, but let me share my experiences for now, which will lead us to the journal prompt.

So,  last week, I shared on the heart chakra work I had done. I had not completed the writing work yet, so I revisited the material at the beginning of the week and did the journaling. I don’t always care for journaling, but I give it credit for allowing me to get crystal clear on my thoughts. I know all our brains work differently, but mine can turn into a swirling vortex, leaving me not able to do much but be overwhelmed and then guilt-ridden for not accomplishing anything. Better to just write it down. It always feels like so much less once it's on paper. So I journaled and felt “ok.” I told my husband about the experience, and this should have been the giveaway. When I told him this exceptionally emotional experience, I went to my non-feeling/withdrawn place. My voice flattens out, turning into a matter of business rather than an emotional affair.  

I thought it was fine. Not as liberating as the first three chakras had been. Since I am pretty chill, I just figured that was it.  The next things I say may seem crazy, and perhaps that is always an option. However, the world of mind-body connection is ripe with evidence surrounding the effect they have on each other. Ok, so it is Tuesday, and I begin feeling low on energy. Wednesday, I cleaned and visited with a friend of mine, but coming home, I began to feel even more off. Then, I am struck with body aches. It felt like I had the flu but no other symptoms except my body being sooo uncomfortable and achy. I couldn’t get comfortable or sleep for long bits. Friday things came to a head, and I had an outburst… Unpleasant to admit, it was raining and all the critters were inside being nonsense. My pig kept trying to attack the dog, and one cat in particular was following me around meowing because he loves the sound of his voice. Well, sensory overload. I yelled for everyone to lie down.. Very loud. It felt oddly good to scream, bad that it was at the animals. I did apologize to everyone that mom got crazy; she apparently needed the emotional release lol. I started to recover after that and slept a full, comfortable night last night. 

I’m calling it a connection to letting go of the pain, actual pain that I took on so long ago. I couldn’t stand anyone hurting around me, and I didn’t let my own pain show for fear that it would cause more harm. Instead, I became depressed and walled off my heart. If I could just stop the feelings. Of course, this caused its own backlash. Becuase healing comes with acceptance that life is not black and white. You are not black and white. We all carry vast amounts of capabilities of good/bad, feminine/masculine, heavy/light, soft/rugged, ect. You may want to separate one from another, but it is not possible because the opposite can not exist without something to define it by. So when we try to see something as good or bad, we just cause friction because both are the same. Yes, I get angry from time to time, but I am also very loving. I carry both qualities on a spectrum; we all do. No bad or good, both, all the time.

The last piece to this story and where your journal prompt lies. My need to classify everything as right and wrong has led to the divide. For instance, I just could not validate my feelings growing up because I could see everyone's point of view, and mostly, they didn’t mean harm. That is not the point, though. It did cause harm, and I do love them. Both can exist together; both are true.  Most experiences carry many so-called opposite qualities. It's never all good or all bad. This is that oneness - That both are correct. I was deeply hurt by my mom's demons, and I was also loved and cared for by her angels. She carried both sides rather dramatically, but they existed together.

 Needing to judge my childhood as all bad had led to the friction because it wasn’t. I gained wonderful things from all of my parents. My dad’s love of adventure and being a gifted storyteller, my Mom’s deep love and affection for animals, my stepmom's strength and intelligence, and my grandma's love of the spiritual. Big pieces of who I am came from these people, both good and bad. I had a block created when I decided that emotions were bad and my childhood was all bad. 

Not being able to honor either because for one to be true, the other must not be. The healing has been to be able to accept both. Yes, I suffered a lot of trauma growing up, and yes, I had some really exceptional times as well.

Can you pinpoint a specific situation in your life that you turn over in your mind? Do you feel conflicting feelings around it? Perhaps something like Everything was great except, or It was all so bad except. See if you can catch yourself making some kind of excuse for the situation, the other person, or yourself. Now just observe the scene and your emotions coming up. Say how you really felt about the situation/place/ person or thing and know it's ok because it's your truth, your experience, and give yourself grace to be honest. Now let us slim it down even more- 

 The truth of it -

Just because I feel             doesn’t mean that     

Just because I did               doesn’t mean that 

Just because I said                doesn’t mean that 

Just because I thought                  doesn’t mean that