TGIS: Gift Giving + Cult Ranting

Hello and happy, Saturday, patrons! How is everyone’s weekend going so far? Mine has an excited, disorganized chill as I endeavor into the adventure of buying Christmas gifts. Yesterday I spent the majority of my day digesting the overwhelming amount of food I put in my body the previous day, catching up with family who I didn’t call on Thanksgiving on account of I was wiped out from the mind-boggling amount of cooking and eating done the previous day, and then embodying the capitalistic frenzy that Black Friday deals pump into your veins. Is a three year old too young for a telescope? How many Eagles sweatshirts does my dad already have? How attached is my Mom to her iPhone 8…yes, her phone is that old and she’ll use it til it breaks because “there’s nothing wrong with it, Grace!”. Until her millennial internet daughter gets her a new one because her internet daughter knows the unique dopamine rush of fresh tech in your hand. Or we’ll let her keep what she’s used to and just get her something with a butterfly on it. Lol jk…sorta.

Gift giving is a delicate balance of sifting out your own projected wants onto your loved ones. And if you can do that it’s, in my opinion, a beautiful exercise in really seeing someone. I like giving gifts because I think it’s sometimes a strong suit of mine. When I’m not giving people gifts with my face all over it (I think I’m finally aging out of that fun, wildly narcissistic gift tradition), I like entering into the world of the receiver and really thinking about who they are, what they like, what their daily life is like, what they need, and especially what they might not know they want/need and wouldn’t get for themselves. I like giving someone a present that quietly expresses “I see you”. And not in the creepy shredded magazine letters from a serial killer way, more in the empathetic witnessing from a caring family member/friend kind of way.

Another way to think about it is that it’s like solving each person’s murder mystery. You gather evidence about said gift receiver, their likes, their dislikes, their hobbies, their daily routine, etc. Sometimes you talk to people close to them to find out more. Do they still like NSync or if that was just a jokey phase? Do they really like gardening or did they just buy a bunch of gardening stuff that one time and never use it? You connect dots and you search through the perpetrator archives on Amazon, Ticketmaster, Etsy, and every other site broadcasting cartoonish looking discounts until you find the murderer. The thing or things that will metaphorically obliterate them with joy. See, a lot of people hate gift giving but it can be fun! It’s like a gamified hunt for the things or experiences or charitable donations that will make that person feel nice. And it only takes hours and hours and hours to do. How fun.

Speaking of things that take a long time but ultimately come to a wonderful end and feel like a gift, my final round of chemo is this coming Wednesday and WOW. I keep saying those words to myself, to friends, and to family and they sound amazing but I still feel a little numb about it. I don’t think I’ve been able to process the magnitude or scope of chemo coming to an end just yet. I’m sure it’ll hit me in different waves, just like the side effects do, over the next few days. But for now there’s an eager caginess hanging in our household. I’ve been hunkering down hard, as to not let anything affect my health heading into round 6, but the hunkering turns into a hankering to be out in the world, or to be doing things without worry. I’m trying not to think of it as ‘what I’m missing’ but instead think of it like ‘it’ll be so cool when the time is right’. Patience is a gift. Note to self to remember to journal through this stuff as the week goes on. It's true, journaling is a cliche because it works. When I remember to do it, it's been helping me make sense of what I'm feeling. Or at least get the tangled feelings out of my head and into some paper to make some space and ease the tension. 

I also think some of my edginess is because I’ve been getting riled up watching cult documentaries. If you want to scream at your screen, amazed at the relative ease in which these cults get formed while growing furious about the filthy narcissism of the cult leaders I recommend “Escaping Twin Flames” on Netflix and “Love Has Won: The Cult of Mother God” on Max. And these two cults are STILL HAPPENING. Ohhhhhhhhh the dude that heads the Twin Flames cult is a real piece of garbage human. Just a lame dude with too much power over broken people. Plus, he looks like every guy I went to high school with so he stirs up some extra shit for me. Also he’s manipulating, mostly women, into doing outrageous things, so his POS badge is earned and warranted. If you wanna get fired up with some cult curiosity, those are my recs. Has anyone seen them yet? If so, thoughts?

Okay, I'm going to calm myself back down and get back to solving some gift-centric murder mysteries. Thanks for reading my internet diary. I'll likely take next week off as I'll be recovering from THE 6TH AND FINAL ROUND OF CHEMO. If I get a wild hair maybe I'll post something...but I gotta hold onto all my wild hairs for one last round so probably not. That was a cold capping/hair shedding joke. You get it! Okay, gonna go now. Enjoy the rest of your weekends! And thanks, as always, for being here. 💚G