TGIF: Keep it simple, (you're not) stupid!

Hello and happy Friday, patrons! How is everyone doing? I hope you're finding something great about your existence today. Why not? I'm drinking a big purple electrolyte beverage and just ate crackers and cottage cheese so it's a REAL RAGER over here. We just got back from a few days of staycation at a really incredible Airbnb about an hour away.  Our travel is limited over the next few months so I've made it a mission to sprinkle in some staycations so I can take the brain off the ol hamster wheel for a second and let it walk around in a new spot. It's a change of scenery while still being tethered to a toilet if need be. It's a perfect solution so far.

What do we do on staycations? Basically the exact same thing we do at home just in a new, cool place and without Goose. Write, eat, meditate, watch movies, cook, weed, eat, hot tub, sleep, repeat. God, I love Airbnbs. It's an introverts dream escape. It's technically travel but you also get to stay home? C'mon now. How perfect. This one was a beautifully modern 70s A-frame with the most incredible view overlooking a canyon and good god was every detail of this place so thoughtfully designed. It was an artsy, architectural woo-woo paradise. There was a room called the zen den. A little cheesy but who cares the whole place was awesome. And still rustic and cabiny. I found a spider in my underwear. But I mean here's the view from bed...*fucking drooooool*

And here's a hippo I saw when we were packing up to leave that reminded me of Goose...

Anyway it was a really nice handful of days of doing the most beautiful bare minimum. Soul nourishment in it's most basic form. They also had this bowl of tiny cards with single motivational words on them on the kitchen counter (Amazon now tells me they're angel card inspirational messages and meditations). And you know I'm a damn cringe-sucker for pulling cards with any whisper of guidance on them so obviously each day I pulled a word...

Cheesy, easy, fun. My kind of quiet, solo game with no winner or loser. Just a word for me to come back to throughout the day when I felt my mind start to get bogged down with "shoulds" or "coulds" or any type of distracting criticism it so easily gets caught in. When we got there I pulled peace and it was a great reminder of why I was there. So my brain and body could get a lil treat of change coupled with the ongoing intention to chill and heal. Makes sense. The second day I pulled simplicity. Gotta say I was momentarily disappointed that it wasn't a more DYNAMIC or FUN word but okay, cool, sure, keep things simple. I wasn't planning on getting into complicated scenarios anyway, I was here for peace, after all. But that day I had zoom therapy (because my mental health doesn't take a staycation 🙃) and one of the big things I've been working on for years in therapy is my inner critic. She is such a bitch. Has been for years. And is so often behind the wheel of my mental car without me even realizing it, that's how used to her calling the shots I've been. Maybe this is something you relate to. I've talked about it here before but the criticism I can throw on myself is harsh, consistent, and all consuming. Things I'd never say to a friend or loved one. And even when I  catch myself doing it and can't stop it, it drives me bonkers and often makes it worse.

But it's been a huge focus of my therapy and, wouldn't you know, after years of putting in the work unpacking this bitch, things have started to get better. Noticeably. In the most cliched sense of it, the work is paying off. That morning therapy session we talked about (among other things) how I've come to realize the ways my inner critic developed as a means to keep me safe. She pushed me to achieve and in success I found safety. I never really believed I was valuable without impressive stuff to show my worth. Without that stuff how would anyone find me interesting or lovable? Tragic, I know. And that mindset kept me from operating from inside myself, instead I was constantly seeing myself from the perspective of others and how I think they think I should be. And for years the critic proved her worth and correctness because cool shit happened and people seemed to like it. But now I'm starting to actually believe in my own worth independently of the stuff my critic swears I need to keep up with everyone else. After that session I brain dumped onto some pages...I believe they call that journaling ...and I just wanted to share a snippet...

I can feel the visceral shift when I'm grounded inside of myself vs when I'm looking for what others have/want. It feels like an old school kid's viewfinder shifting scenes with a click. For years I've been grinding so automatically for the approval of others and only deeming myself good if I achieved something or had success under my belt. The idea that I have worth, integrity, and value independently of any of that was not correct in my mind. To think just by being alive you are good is sometimes radical to me. But I'm starting to get it. And it's so simple. Simplicity. There it is.

How fun. A very simple epiphany and mindset shift that's been a thrill to start to see happen/develop. I started therapy with this current therapist almost 3 years ago feeling like absolute garbage on the inside and only in the last year have I started to notice and feel real change. I can't say cancer has nothing to do with it, but I've been putting in work and it finally feels like it's paying off. Fucking wild. I wanted to share this because I'm sure some of you wrestle with a nasty inner demon and find it hard not to get pinned. I think maybe we all do to certain degrees. And I wanted to remind you, as cringey and cliche as it sounds, you, just being alive, is awesome. And enough. And that's it. Everything else is a bonus. Just existing is so cool and good, turns out. Also my word for today was enthusiasm and, it's true, I'm fucking pumped about this profoundly simple idea. Me, and you, have value just by being here. NUTS. And maybe you get it but don't believe it at the moment. Totally cool. I've spent decades not believing it. But it'll still be here when you're ready to. Don't beat yourself up about it. PLEASE don't do that. That's so old and exhausting and complicated. This believing in your inherent worth just by existing is so simple and fun.

Okay, that's all I have for you today. A simple little idea that I've been unpacking for a while but really connected with the other day. I can't believe a lot of people already know this and believe this about themselves. What amazing lives they must lead lol. Anyway thanks for reading my internet, and a part of my actual, diary this week. This weekend I'm hopefully getting into more writing and then there's fantasy football on Sunday. Go sports men! But only the ones on my team! Can you believe what happened to Aaron Rogers?? I mean, FUCK. I can't say I didn't lol a little at how insane a season ending injury 4 plays into the game after being featured and pumped up for weeks on Hard Knocks was. The universe is doing some whacky things, y'all! Stay safe out there lol. What are you getting up to this weekend? Anything fun? I gotta JET (hope I don't tear anything). Whoops sports joke. Enthusiasm! Okay, thanks, as always, for being here! 💚G