i want to be there deep dive

despite this album being by far my most popular (and likely the only sadness album most people have actually listened to) this is probably the album i’m least satisfied with out of the whole discography. i'll explain

i made all of these songs in 2018 (99% of them). in the distant travels and somewhere were instrumentally made in 2017, but the way i realized them in 2018 allowed them to feel very 2018 to me. winter through spring to be exact. these songs were pure magic, as i was feeling and connecting with pure magic at the time. the first half of 2018 for me was truly unforgettable and it's purely because of how i was feeling and the magic i felt in my heart and this tingling magic i tried to capture in my music. the twinkling sounds you hear throughout this album, the soft melodies, and how deeply emotional it is is because of the magical times of early 2018. i cannot put into words these things. i longed so deeply for something so pure in my heart that i wished i could hold. these places and moments that are especially described in the ending of in the distant travels (they twinkly synths i made in 2018), all of i want to be with you, all of i want to be there, all of you dance like the june sky... i'm sure all of you reading this had a very special and specific moment with these songs that is personal to you, and i sure did as well. at the time i didnt imagine this album being as well received as it was , as i was only concerned with making nice songs. the reason i was never truly satisfied with this album is because unfortunately (like so much of my music) i didn't finish it until a year later. the first half of 2018 was a completely different experience than the second half of 2018. because of things i was going through, i went from making songs like "i want to be with you" and "you're the most precious" and "on a green" to making songs like the comforting albums . after making most of i want to be there in 2018, the only finishing touches that were left were a lot of the vocals. i had recorded a lot of the clean vocals on i want to be with you in the first half of 2018, as well as i believe all the vocals on in the distant travels, but there were still other things to do. i recorded the vocals for i want to be there sometime in october i think? the last thing i did on that album was record vocals for somewhere and you dance like the june sky. and those two tracks really suffered . the thing is in december 2018 and through april 2019 i was going through a really hard time. i felt very harsh things and the music i listened to and the music i made only reflected that. comforting was very harsh , atna. (especially the youtube uploads in 2019) was very harsh, you'll just forget was very harsh. suddenly i wasn't thinking about or feeling magical soft warm pretty things (like i was when i made i want to be there in 2018) and now i'm in constant emotional suffering that sounds like harsh and disoriented noise . that's literally what i was making. in the span of a year a lot of things changed as far as how i listened to music goes too. i used to be VERY sensitive to high frequencies (which is why a lot of my music from back then sounded muffled). i hated hearing high frequencies in music. suddenly it's 2019 and i want even more of that. i was listening to a lot of noise rock and grindy harsh noise and just really violent and discordant screeching music and i found myself turning up the high frequencies in my own music. i was trying to treat my emotional suffering through the intensity of harsh music. complete 180 from 2018. i ruined IWTBT because i released it in the worst time. the first master i released on bandcamp in april that year sounded so oooooo harsh. horrible high freuqncies everywhere. clearly i was mixing from my 2019 mental state. i was touching something so pure and innocent. something that was supposed to be about pure beautiful feelings and warmth i was now corrupting it with my extremely negative emotions . i was very out of touch with what the songs were originally about. truthfully i didn't even really care about anything those songs were about, all i could think about was how horrible i felt in 2019. as a result the same care and detail that was given to the music in 2018 was lost on 2019. for example the youtube upload of in the distant travels sounded way different and warmer than the first i want to be there release. while this was totally fine for things like comforting and atna, it was not totally fine for this album. so right off the bat the production never sounded right . now in the first half of 2018 i basically lost all interest in harsh vocals , it seemed. i only wanted pure magical pretty melodies. that's why _____ is devoid of harsh vocals (except for orange love with i recorded in the vocals in 2021) and then the songs on demo four that have harsh vocals i recorddd those vocals in the second half of 2018 (different times) , even the vocals on the song "i want to be there " were recorded in the second half of 2018, which is still many months in the future from when i started the songs , but second half of 2018 isn't THAT corrupt, although if i had finished the songs when i started them i wouldn't have screamed anywhere. the harsh vocals on the song i want to be there are out of place in my opinion, (i might've made them worse when i tried to remaster the album) but they don't completely ruin the song for me. the harsh vocals on in the distant travels do fit , i guess those were the only screams i felt were necessary on the album? but really when i was making the rest of these songs i was so much mor interested in the softness and warmth of melodic singing like i want to be with you (no screams). and then a year later, it's april 2019, and i knew i had to finish the album, all that was left was finishing you dance like the june sky and somewhere.

i ruined you dance like the june sky. genuinely. i know so many people love that song (and i like it too) but it absolutely did not meet its true form in the end. if i had recorded vocals a year prior i would not have screamed like that. those screams and the intention to scream in the first place had nothing at all to do with the true meaning of the song, i was screaming from a place of 2019 emotional pin and sufferin. i can't believe it even occurred to me to scream on that song. i should not have done that (this is why on my failed remaster i basically took that first scream out but i couldn't just take the screams afterwards out cause well idk, i just got myself in a mess). when i started that song in spring 2018 it was supposed to be warm and soft and pretty , no excruciating pain (this doesn't mean that harsh vocals are inherently negative) but in the case of this song yes they were. i ruined the song for me (and the production also suffered a lot). it really didn't end up sounding like how i wanted it too in the beginning and the painful screaming eas so out of place. so much potential in that song completely gone because it took me too long to finish it. now the song somewhere was instrumentally recorded in early 2017, completely different times from 2018, and if k had finished the song in 2017 i would've adddd screams probably but different lyrics, and it wouldn't have been out of place. i wrote the lyrics in 2018 sometime in the first half, but of course, i recorded the vocals in april 2019. i think that was the last thing i did on the album. again i was not in the right place mentallyand emotionally to be singing that song so i i brought unwanted and contaminating emotions into an otherwise completely different concept. if i had recorded vocals for that song after writing the lyrics , even if i had screamed thim, it would have turned out so much differently just because of the emotion out into it. also the clean vocals were recorded in first half of 2018 so that was okay (although i don't even like the melody) i didn't come up with that melody and i shouldn't really have put it in there especially considering how the lyrics sung on that part are very specific to ME and MY emotions and make no sense being composed by someone else (i'll talk about this more when i deep dive the tracks individually. ) . so in the end this song didn't reach its full potentional, neither did any of the other songs. even i want to be with you which has no screams suffered just because of the really harsh production. i recorded moments in march 2019, after knowing that i wanted to make a song called moment son that album. if i had made that song in 2018 it would have turned out more accurate, but in the end i'm actually happy with that track. maybe that day i was feeling a little different. but everything else suffered in one way or another because i decided to touch these magical songs in 2019. later in like 2020 i decided to try and remaster the album so it wouldn't sound so ear piercing but i didn't even do a good job at that. after that it felt like there was ntpthing i could do to make the album better. i also dislike the physical versions (for one i don't design the layouts , the label does it, and i never like them). i would only like the physical layouts if i were the only designing them 100% but unfortunately i don't even know how to really capture visually the way i want things to look. the best i can do is try to find a picture i've taken that sort of looks the part, but even then the labels usually do something to the layout i don't like. whatever. i don't waste my time thinking about it. but the problem also is that the images i selected to use for the layouts (aside from the album cover) were all things i selected around 2019. i tried(somewhat) to capture what i wanted to see but i was never happy with how the artwork turned out in the layouts. also all the images i used were pictures i took in sam antonio texas . which first of all is a disgusting place and that's NOTHING at all to do with the places i talk about in the album, or eleven where i was when i made the songs (i lived in oak park il, mágica place) i moved to texas in the second half of 2018. i can't express how much san antonio has NOTHING to do with this album , so the fact that i used images from san antonio on this album ruined it even more. what's worse is i used images that i took that are representative of my painful times in late 201/early 2019, literally all the negative non-IWTBT things i was feeling and screaming into the album were also the pictures i added. i basically did the worst thing i could have this album. these songs were so pure , I was so pure, and unfortunately when i released the album, i wasn't pure, and neither were the songs since i contaminated them

but anyway let's talk about the positive things. these are great songs and stil retain so much of their magic. everything you hear hay was created in 2018 is truly magical, and luckily for me this album got really successful (i want to be with you has almost a million streams on spotify). also the album cover is perfect. nearly. i don't think i've ever seen a PERRECT album cover but this is really, really c lose. the album cover comes from an image i saw on day in january 2018. i was ok my instagram and someone i followed (don't remember who) who had like 200 followers posted that photo . the original foto was a little more purple than pink , i color corrected it, but it was a very beautiful experience to see that image. afterwards when making the songs i knew this had to be the album cover. i still wonder who took the pictured, who that is, the story behind it. we will never know unless somehow that person sees the album and says something about it. i'll make a deep dive of individual tracks some other time, tune into future patreon posts for that