sadness - in a memory

sadness is going to make part of a split album with some other post black metal bands. we've planned this for a while, in late 2020 my idea was to use a completely different song for the split. that song got lost when my files got deleted. this obviously wasted time, but I eventually decided to use this song instead. instrumentally this is made of things I recorded back in september of 2018. specifically, from 0:00 to 5:16 was an unfinished thing from back then, and  from 9:34 until the end was another unfinished song from back then.they were two songs from the same "session", what I mean is they really just feel the same. they came from the same place. whatever I had planned for them before would have had them on the same EP or something. when I made the first half of the song was actually because I was trying to write a song for the band I was in at the time An Open Letter. obviously nothing ever happened with that song or that band for that matter. but the song was immediately rejected which is good because now then I could do whatever I want with it. of course the unifnished version stayed there for almost three years. the last part of the song I made out of the same sentiment that inspired "I cant say goodbye". same timeframe and same situation. the session title was actually "te extraño" (I miss you) in spanish. when it came down to putting together a song for this split I thought instead of using two separate songs I could just combine these two connected projects into one song, as long as I put something in the intermediate section to tie them together. so the key change and that riff in the middle is entirely new. now because the split had already taken forever to complete and it was really just waiting for me to finish I didn't have all the time in the world to "perfect" this song, but knowing me if I hadn't had a deadline this would have dragged on forever. I'm OK with where the song is now. the lyrics have to do with my internal emotional chaos as of lately. you could say this about any of my songs but recording the vocals was literally just me crying and desperately trying to express all my intangible feelings. "in a memory", because I really didn't know what else to call it, is part of one of the lines in the lyrics. when I refer to "floating in a memory" it's kind of like, while not being self aware of it, but this present moment as I'm floating and drifting through it , will eventually be a memory. putting my june of 2021 in a song will forever remain as what this feels like right now. years later I can think about this as a memory with a certain feeling, and right now that's what it is. If I'm having a hard time using words to convey anything it's because of everything I'm feeling lingering around inside me leaving me incapacitated to even think straight.

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reflecting in a memory
why do I feel so lonely
staring into a translucent mirror
I just want to feel your hand
holding
I want to feel the soft skin on your face
holding you
somewhere in my arms in the deepest place
and floating in a memory
as formlessly burning
crying rain between the mirror
I feel so much for you
( __________________)

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the part in parenthesis is a line that's a little too personal to share