After The Rain [Chapter 5 - Black]

[Last Chapter] 

Katsuki’s palms rubbed together, back and forth, over and over. They made a soft noise as they slid against each other, slow and rhythmic, and it felt deafening in the quiet office.

“It sounds like you’ve been having a good time with him,” his therapist said with a smile. “You’re allowed to be happy, Katsuki.”

“Am I gonna get addicted to them?” he asked, pointedly ignoring the comment as his eyes darted toward the little bottle he’d brought with him. “What if I want to stop taking them?”

“You won’t get addicted,” she assured him. “If you want to stop, you let your doctor know, and they’ll advise you on how to wean off them safely, so you don’t have any side effects from it. No one will force you to take them, it’s entirely your choice.”

“I want to try them,” he admitted. “I’m just...”

She waited patiently, but for once, Katsuki didn’t finish his sentence.

“You said you’re worried,” she said instead, moving on. “About getting dependant on them?”

“About... Everything.”

“Would you like to talk about that?”

He didn’t want to, not at all, but that felt like the wrong answer.

“It feels like cheating.”

“How so?”

“Other people don’t need pills to function.”

“So you feel like you shouldn’t need them either?”

Katsuki shrugged, and she nodded understandingly.

“Other people don’t have the same obstacles in their brain that you’re working with. Does that seem fair?”

“No, not at all,” he answered immediately. “It sucks.”

“So if taking a pill each morning puts you on a level playing field with everyone else, wouldn’t you say that’s fair?”

Katsuki shrugged again, and she smiled warmly at him.

“It’s not cheating to get a little help, Katsuki. We all have help sometimes. Comparing yourself to other people will only make you unhappy.”

“I know,” he acknowledged. “Still hard to stop.”

“Knowing it is the first step,” she assured him. “Just take it one step at a time.”

“What if they make me different?”

“Then you don’t have to take them.”

He grimaced at the logic, but she just continued to smile.

“Your doctor can change the dosage, if you don’t feel like yourself. Or if you feel like they’re not doing anything, for that matter.”

“What if I don’t notice?”

“Is that important to you?”

Katsuki wasn’t sure he had an answer for that. His brain insisted that it meant the people who called him shitty things were right, that he really did need to change, but hadn’t he always said he didn’t care about the extras?

“My dad,” he grumbled finally. “I care what he thinks.”

“And you’re worried he won’t love you anymore on medication?”

“He’ll love me,” Katsuki answered quickly. “But he might not like me.”

“What makes you say that?”

“He says he likes me now. So if I’m different, he might not.”

“Are there a lot of people your father dislikes?”

“No,” Katsuki admitted, pulling a face. “But I might be... Awful.”

“Do you think that’s something you could talk to him about?”

“He wouldn’t tell me if he hated me.”

“Probably not,” she agreed. “But he might tell you if you seem different, or not yourself.”

“Mm. I guess.”

“I don’t know your father, but you seem to know him and understand him well. What do you think he would say was the most important thing? That you stay the same?”

“That I’m safe, probably. And... happy.”

She smiled again, and Katsuki rolled his eyes, drawing his feet up onto the chair and wrapping his arms around his knees.

“I know,” he mumbled. “But knowing it isn’t... Enough.”

“I know,” she parroted, nodding. “Since we met, we’ve been talking about the importance of communication. Do you think this is something you should talk to him about?”

“Probably,” he admitted. “It’s hard.”

“It is,” she agreed. “But sometimes the important things in life are hard. You know that better than anyone.”

“Yeah. I guess I can try.”

“I think that would be a great step for you to take.”

“Deku too, I guess.”

“You’ve come a long way in such a short time.”

Katsuki looked away, huffing, but he felt a little warmth flood his cheeks.

“You said you told him about everything you’ve been going through?”

“Mm. He seemed fine at first, but later in the night... I kind of... Confessed the worst parts. And he got real quiet after that.”

“Did you discuss it with him?”

“No, not really. I told him how I’d been... Fired. I hadn’t really told that to anyone else.”

“That must have been hard.”

“Mm. He was asking if I know what I want to do next, and one thing led to another. I told him how bad I fucked up, how the company was being... well, you know. So there’s no way I can show my face anywhere near any of those people again. I’ve never done anything else, I don’t know what else I could do. Deku... Izuku is doing so well. He must think I’m such a screw-up. It’s not gonna be the same, now that he knows. He’s gonna be judging me, gonna think I’m so messed up.”

“Maybe he’ll surprise you.”

“Maybe,” he echoed, completely unconvincing even to his own ears, eyes darting up to the clock to avoid looking at her.  “Oh, that’s our time, huh?”

“We can go over if you want to talk about it, it’s not a problem.”

“No, it’s okay,” Katsuki sighed, setting his feet back on the ground. “Maybe next week. I think I need time to... process.”

“You’re picking up some new words,” she smiled, a little teasingly. “I’m proud of you, Katsuki. You’re really making great strides.”

“Thanks,” he huffed, climbing to his feet. “I’ll um, see you next week.”

“I’m looking forward to it already.”

He waved her off when she started to stand, showing himself out, and took a deep breath as he reached the front doors. His Dad would be waiting for him outside, like always – the clinical psychiatrist had been a one-off, when Izuku came to pick him up – and he would go home and retreat into his blankets for a while to recover, to think about it all, to process. Maybe if he wrapped himself up tightly enough, he’d feel safe.

He refused to acknowledge the little part of him that wished it was Izuku, that wished he could walk home with that glowing smile at his side again. He didn’t deserve it anyway, didn’t deserve all that warmth and care that radiated from him. After his confessions the night before, Izuku wouldn’t want to be around him anymore, he’d already made peace with that. Just like the girlfriend he’d thought loved him, the co-workers he’d thought respected him, the boss he’d thought had faith in him. 

Understandably, too. He was a screw-up, Izuku didn’t need to be dragged down by his bullshit.

So why was he so damn scared by the thought?

As he stepped out into the bright day, sun shining down on him hot and heavy from almost directly over his head, he squinted a little, cringing when he caught a glimpse of green in the distance. He was already seeing things, already imagining things.

“Kacchan!” the green blur called, a huge smile stretching across his face. “Hi! I was worried I’d missed you!”

Katsuki could only stare as he ran over, his freckled face and emerald eyes finally coming into focus, but all he could do was watch, dumbfounded, as Izuku grabbed both of his hands.

“Come to the mall with me!” he said, so enthusiastic that Katsuki instinctively knew no wasn’t an option. “They just opened a build-a-bear!”

Katsuki blinked at him, then he felt his face soften, a smile twitching at his lips as a laugh fell out of him. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard himself make that sound, couldn’t remember the last time he'd sounded so bright, and Izuku just squeezed his hands a little tighter, looking up at him with watery eyes.

“Okay,” he said finally, his laughter fading into just a soft smile that made him feel like a whole different person – Bakugou Katsuki did not smile like that. “I’ll come.”

“Yes!” Izuku cheered, releasing one of his hands, but keeping the other firmly linked with his own as he tugged Katsuki toward the street. “I’m gonna build you the best bear in the world."

“It better be,” Katsuki answered, clumsily interlacing their fingers. “Because I’m pretty sure mine is gonna be better.”

“Oh,” Izuku said, his smile twisting toward a hint of a smirk. “You’re so on!”

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