After The Rain [Chapter 4 - Brown]

[Last Chapter] 

Katsuki squinted as he stepped out of the building, the sunset blaring bright light straight into his eyes. For something that was supposed to be so pretty, spreading all those pink and orange flares through the sky, it was way too damn annoying.

“Kacchan!”

His head darted up, eyes landing straight on that familiar face, that smile somehow even brighter than the sunset. Inexplicably, it was also less irritating. He would deal with that thought later.

Under the sunset glow, the freckled face was flushed a pretty shade of pink, and Katsuki fell still, taking a moment to just stare at him.

“I came to pick you up,” Izuku explained awkwardly. “Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” Katsuki answered quickly. “You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to!”

Katsuki finally figured out how to work his feet again, closing the gap between them, and Izuku stood up straighter, making himself a little taller at Katsuki’s side. Katsuki waited a moment, and then another, waited for those words that would bring their peace crashing down. Waited for Izuku to so innocently ask how did it go or what did they say, forcing Katsuki to find an answer he wasn’t ready to find. But the words didn’t come, and Katsuki felt himself getting more and more on edge as he waited.

“I know you’re probably tired,” Izuku said awkwardly. “But I thought we could walk home together, just so I could see your face and say hi and stuff. I hope that’s alright.”

“It’s fine,” Katsuki assured him. “I’m just... Surprised.”

“Okay!” Izuku beamed at him, his relief clear in the way his shoulders sank a little, the tension seeping out of him. “Are you hungry? We could stop for an early dinner on the way. At a cafe if you feel like it, or we could get something from the convenience store and eat it in the park, or you could come back to my place and I’ll make you something, what do you feel like eating? I’m not a very good cook, but I’m sure I could find a recipe online and follow along! Or you could help me, I know you’re an amazing cook, but I don’t want to make you work! You could just supervise? Or-”

“Deku,” Katsuki cut him off, relieved to see him finally take a breath. “Anything is fine, I’m not picky.”

“You’re the pickiest person I know,” Izuku argued, snorting – good to see he wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. “You wouldn’t want to stop by the art store with me, would you? It’s not a big deal, I can go later if you’d rather go home!”

“The one around the corner?” Katsuki asked, a brief old memory tugging at his brain. “May as well, it’s right here.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

“Okay!”

Izuku’s fingers twitched, and for a moment Katsuki half-expected him to reach for his hand, pulling a face as he quickly shoved that thought out of his head – where the hell had that come from?

“I want some new paints,” Izuku explained, leading the way toward the little block of shops. “You’ve gotta help me pick some.”

“Don’t you already have every colour that exists?”

“Nope! Working on it though!”

Katsuki cracked a smile, and Izuku grinned back, leaning over to bump their shoulders together playfully. Katsuki just shoved him right back, a little harder, sending him into a fit of giggles as he fought to keep his balance.

“This is my favourite store,” he explained, when they stepped up to the door. “They have everything and the staff are always so nice!”

“Everyone is nice to you.”

“It’s not about me, people are just nice!”

“Uh-huh, sure.” Katsuki snorted quietly, following him indoors. “Whatever you say, damn nerd.”

The shop was small, but everything was impeccably organised, each shelf perfectly arranged by sizes and colours and brands and types. It felt like the inside of Katsuki’s brain, with everything put away in its place where he would hopefully be able to find it again. The idea of even one thing falling out of place made him feel like his entire brain was going to fall apart, like his life was going to fall apart, like he couldn’t keep track of anything anymore if it wasn’t in exactly the right spot.

But it wasn’t his fault.

He shook his head slightly, trying his best to clear out the thoughts. It wasn’t the time to face them, not yet – he needed to be alone, at home, in the dark, to process it all. Then, maybe, he’d talk about it out loud.

Probably to his therapist.

“Kacchan, over here!” Izuku called, waving him over to a dozen shelves all lined with tubes full of paint. “I know it’s a little overwhelming in here, but isn’t it so exciting?!”

“Sure,” Katsuki huffed. “S’fine.”

Izuku tugged on his sleeve lightly, insistent, as soon as he got within reach, and Katsuki let himself be led around the shelves, all his words going in one ear and out the other as he attempted to explain the differences, to educate Katsuki on every minute detail about the brands and colours.

“Pick one for me, any colour you like!”

“What?” Katsuki asked blankly, snapping back to attention. “Why?”

“Because I want some new colours?”

“Why me?”

“Because you’re my friend! And I respect and appreciate your opinions!”

“What are you, a support group?”

“Nope, no group, just me!”

Katsuki rolled his eyes, but Izuku tugged on his sleeve again with that same determination, lower lip poking out in a pout as he waited for Katsuki to pick something.

“I don’t know,” he said finally, jaw clenched. “I’m not gonna pick you something shit and make you feel like you have to get it.”

“Kacchan,” Izuku said quietly, a hint of pity in his tone that Katsuki knew he was trying his best to disguise. “There is absolutely nothing in this store that I would be even slightly disappointed to use. Anything picked by Kacchan is gonna be my new favourite.”

“Stop being so nice.”

“I’m not! I mean, no more than I usually am.”

Katsuki rolled his eyes again, but he looked down at the rack of colours obediently, eyes darting across the vast spectrum in search of something Izuku might like.

“Pick your favourite,” Izuku said knowingly. “I wanna see what Kacchan likes.”

“But I don’t-”

“Kacchan,” Izuku cut him off. “You don’t need to be an expert to tell me what you like.”

“You really just want me to pick any colour? No purpose or reason?”

“Just the reason of you liking it!”

“Fine,” Katsuki huffed, looking over them again. “You’re gonna hate it.”

“I won’t, I promise.”

“Fine,” he repeated. “Just... Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

His fingers twitched as he reached for the shelf, hesitating, but he forced himself to pick up a tube of some shade of teal. It probably had some fancy name, but Katsuki only cared about the band of colour across the front.

“Oh, this is a pretty one,” Izuku praised, accepting it from his awkward finger claws. “It would make a great ocean or lake, or even a clear sky! I told you you had good taste!”

Katsuki just huffed at him, but Izuku continued to grin as he set the tube in his basket, waving toward the shelf again.

“Any others catch your eye?”

Katsuki paused again, but Izuku just waited patiently, letting him survey the selection. He didn’t bother to object this time, knew it was a lost cause, so instead he just picked up an emerald green that caught his attention, handing it over to add to the collection.

“How come you like these ones?” Izuku asked – so light and casual that it didn’t even make Katsuki bristle.

“Hiking,” he mumbled awkwardly. “They remind me of it.”

“Oh! That makes sense!” Izuku nodded excitedly. “Like lakes and waterfalls, and trees and grass.”

“Yeah.”

“I should have known!” Izuku grinned. “I’m happy you’re picking colourful ones now.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“The first time you came over, you chose grey. And it was a nice grey, but I still knew why you picked it.”

“Smart-ass.”

“Rude,” Izuku laughed. “Really, though, I’m glad you’re branching out!”

“Whatever,” Katsuki huffed, his cheeks warm. “It was a good grey.”

Katsuki hated to admit it, but Izuku was kind of right. A few weeks had passed since his first paint experiment, and every single time Izuku had dragged him over to the canvas since, he’d picked the dull, boring colours. It was different though, knowing Izuku would be the one painting with them – it wasn’t a waste of effort and materials when Izuku did it.

“One more for me?” Izuku requested, scrutinising the two tubes in his basket with a cloudy look in his eyes – thoughtful, contemplative, like his brain was working overtime to plan something out. “I think I have an idea.”

“What kind of idea?”

“A secret one!” Izuku laughed, eyes clearing just as quickly as they glazed over. “What else do you like?”

Just to be difficult, Katsuki moved over to the neutrals, the laughter growing louder when he picked up a shiny tube of silver.

“Okay, I deserved that,” Izuku agreed, eyes a little watery as he began to hiccup. “It’s a nice silver though so I’ll allow it.”

“Is that all you need?”

“Gosh no, we’re checking out the whole store,” Izuku said firmly, tucking his basket over his elbow. “I need everything.”

“That sounds expensive.”

“You can bat your eyelashes at the cashier and get us a discount.”

“Sure, that’ll happen.”

“Maybe flash them some cleavage.”

“Ha ha. Very funny.”

Katsuki cracked a smile, and Izuku grinned back, leaning over to bump their shoulders together playfully. Katsuki just shoved him right back, a little harder, sending him into a fit of giggles as he stumbled.

“Ohh they have a discount on canvases,” Izuku gushed, skipping over to explore the section. “I should stock up while they’re cheap.”

“Don’t you have like a thousand in your closet right now?”

“But they’re so cheap.”

“Not buying them is cheaper.”

Izuku pouted, staring longingly at the stacks for a minute before snatching up a couple anyway, giving Katsuki an indignant look as if he was daring him to argue. Katsuki just rolled his eyes, reaching to take them from him, and despite the suspicious look on his face as he did so, he handed them over. Katsuki tucked them under his arm, raising an eyebrow when Izuku gave him one last glance to ensure he didn’t put them back, then he was following again, watching Izuku explore his own personal heaven.

“These brushes are so pretty,” Izuku was gushing, when Katsuki caught up again. “I always think mine are fine until I see new ones, they’re all so clean and nice.”

“Yours are just broken in.”

Izuku laughed, so loud that even the staff on duty turned to look, and Katsuki felt his cheeks fill with warmth as they all smiled at him. Izuku was clearly a regular, the staff probably all knew him by name and asked after his mother as he made his purchases, and Katsuki couldn’t help but wonder if he always acted like such a giddy child or if it was a Katsuki exclusive. The idea that the staff might never have heard him laugh like that before filled his stomach with bees and butterflies at the same time – he wasn’t sure if he liked that thought or not.

When Izuku finally decided he was done, they made their way to the counters, and Katsuki silently stacked up the contents of their basket while Izuku chatted with the cashier. He watched in silence as the pair got caught up, laughing over their parents’ latest antics and filling each other in on how things were going at home – Izuku laughed sheepishly when she asked him about dates, and Katsuki felt himself tense up, listening intently as Izuku gave a vague, non-committal answer. It made him bristle, hearing it – Izuku had never mentioned anyone to him, but if there wasn’t someone, he’d just have said no, right?

He didn’t understand why it bothered him, to be entirely honest.

She offered Izuku the bag with all his new gear, but Katsuki snatched it before Izuku could even lift a hand, glaring when she blinked at him in surprise. She recovered quickly, though, shooting him her best customer service smile, and Katsuki stepped a little closer to Izuku, bumping him lightly.

“Hungry?” Izuku asked, grinning. “Thanks for being patient with me! Let’s go get food.”

“S’fine. Let’s go.”

“Nice seeing you!” he called back, already being herded toward the doors. “Take care!”

He reached for the bag once they stepped out into the dimly-lit evening, but Katsuki kept his grip on it, moving it out of his reach. Izuku laughed, but allowed it, smiling up at him in that sweet, fond way that always made Katsuki’s breath hitch. Something about the nerd just kept doing that sort of thing to him, he was starting to think he might need to see a doctor.

Well, another doctor. A different kind of doctor.

“So, dinner?” Izuku asked, nudging him lightly. “My treat.”

“Sure, nerd.”

─────

It wasn’t until they’d finished eating that Izuku pulled the big cube from his shopping bag, thumping it down on the table with a determined look on his face. Katsuki looked up from his spot at the sink, rinsing off dishes even though Izuku had insisted he didn’t need to, and his eyes widened when he saw the expression aimed his way.

“Clay!” he announced, as if it answered all the questions in the world. “Come play with me!”

“Where the hell is this coming from?”

“Clay is fun! I saw it in the store and thought we could have a go!”

“I don’t know how to make shit.”

“You don’t need to!” Izuku grinned, taking a big handful and watching it squeeze out between his fingers. “Sometimes it’s nice to just squish it around and see what happens.”

Sighing, Katsuki joined him at the table, taking a seat and letting Izuku slide him a huge lump of deep brown clay. He grimaced as he picked it up, immediately not a fan of the texture against his skin, but he gave it a quick squeeze all the same and Izuku beamed at him for it.

“What did you think of the art store?” Izuku asked, as he moulded his blob into a smooth lump between his hands. “It’s like my second home at this point.”

“It was pretty cool,” Katsuki admitted, setting his lump down on the old newspaper Izuku had spread over the table and poking at it with his index finger. “Tons of stuff, very organised.”

“Yeah!” Izuku smiled softly. “I worked there in high school, they were really particular about keeping things organised.”

“You did?” Katsuki asked, blinking at him. “I don’t remember.”

“Well, we didn’t exactly hang out by then,” he laughed awkwardly. “Yeah, on weekends mostly, and whenever we were on break for holidays and stuff. I spent so much time there as a kid, just doodling on all the test pads and exploring all the tools and colours, learning everything I could. They run free classes sometimes, so I was always there for those too.”

“You must have really liked it.”

“Yeah, I guess I felt like I belonged there. Everyone was super nice, they never kicked me out for not buying anything, they let me hang around for hours on end and just encouraged me to keep exploring, made me feel like I belonged.”

“That must have been nice,” Katsuki said quietly. He knew exactly what Izuku was talking about – even in high school he’d gotten a lot of shit from other kids, Katsuki included, for being a nerd or a loser or whatever brand of insult they’d picked out that week. “I’m... Glad you had somewhere.”

“Yeah,” Izuku agreed, voice a little less strained this time. “It’s like any time I want to feel safe, I can just go there and walk through the aisles, and feel like I belong again. When I was stressed out in university I would go to all the local stores to explore, too. It wasn’t the same, but it still helped.”

Katsuki wasn’t sure he’d ever felt that way about a place. He’d always enjoyed being out in nature, but it was just that – enjoyment. He liked the quiet, the solitude, the untouched environments, but it didn’t make him feel safe and wanted and comforted. It was just... Cool. Maybe one day he’d come across somewhere, but it was starting to feel too late, like he was too old. Here was Izuku excelling at the one thing he’d wanted for his entire life, and Katsuki had somehow just bypassed his calling entirely, was left strung out to dry with no idea where he was or what he was doing.

Izuku smiled at him, so warm and caring, like he understood everything Katsuki was thinking and more – like Katsuki didn’t need to say it, Izuku just knew.

“My appointment this morning,” he found himself saying, surprising even himself. “They’ve been doing some tests and things, and I have a... Condition.”

“Oh?” Izuku asked, so careful in tone – encouraging, if he wanted to continue, without being pushy, if he didn’t. Katsuki had no clue how he managed to do that.

“I’ve always kinda felt like I’m... Different. Like everyone else can just do things, but I have to work so much harder for stuff that should have been easy. Teachers and shit always said I just needed to work harder, so I guess I just thought I was lazy.”

“You’re the hardest worker I know,” Izuku said, so painfully sincere.

Izuku kept his eyes on his clay, and Katsuki did the same. The world around them felt so fragile, like it might just shatter if they looked at each other for a second too long.

Katsuki picked up his lump of clay again.

“I tried really hard,” he admitted. “But everything just... Went to shit. And I just thought I wasn’t good enough, I didn’t try hard enough. But maybe... Maybe it’s not all my fault. Maybe this... brain thing, it made it harder for me, harder than it should have been.”

“That makes sense,” Izuku agreed quietly. “It must be a relief.”

Relief. That was the word for it. For what he’d been feeling ever since they’d handed him the piece of paper, since he’d stuffed it in his bag before Izuku could ask about it.

It wasn’t his fault.

“Yeah,” he answered finally. “It is.”

“Is there... Something that can help you? To make things... Less difficult?”

“Maybe,” he said, glancing over at his bag, sitting discarded on the kitchen counter. “The therapist is supposed to help, over time.”

“Yeah, that’s good.” Izuku nodded. “Even if it takes time, you’ve started now, so you’re on your way there. And it won’t be overnight, it’ll help gradually. It might already be helping.”

Katsuki squeezed hard at the clay, watching it deform under his touch, and the feel of it giving way was comforting.

“Medication,” he choked out. “Could help.”

“Oh? Are you gonna try it?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Yeah, it’s probably a big decision,” Izuku nodded. “You can always change your mind later, at least. If you try them and don’t like them, or if you don’t try them and want to later. It’s not permanent, with medication, so that’s good.”

“Yeah.” Katsuki nodded back faintly. “I might try them and see how it goes.”

“I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!” Izuku smiled warmly. “You can talk to me any time you want, if you want to. I’m always happy to listen!”

“Thanks,” Katsuki said quietly. “I uh, appreciate it.”

Izuku held up his clay lump, suddenly marked with two distinct ears and a cute little face.

“Bunny!” he said proudly, making Katsuki crack a smile. “See? Art is fun!”

“Yeah,” Katsuki said softly, the tension seeping out of his shoulders. “A lot of fun.”

─────

It was late by the time Katsuki went home, pitch black outside other than the dim streetlights on the street below. Izuku pulled the windows closed, locking out the bugs who liked to fly in and get stuck in his wet paint, and paused to smile at the clay-covered table. Katsuki had been resistant at first – Izuku had seen that coming a mile away – but by the time they’d stopped and gotten cleaned up, Izuku felt he’d come to enjoy it a little. He’d squished it around a lot to work out some stress; had made blobby, lop-sided weapons to threaten Izuku’s animals with; and had finally settled on a little clay snowman, rolling his blob into balls and moulding them together into a stack. Izuku had shown him how to carve a tiny face into the top one, and he’d even given it little sausage arms, one of them raised in a wave.

Izuku was gonna keep it forever.

He picked up a tube of brown paint from his desk, turning to the massive test canvas that had quickly turned into the Kacchan Canvas in his mind, and squeezed a little bit out onto his palette.

With his smallest brush, he made little polka dots of brown, changing the shade occasionally to give it a little texture. Before he knew it, two shapes had taken form in a spare corner, away from the splashes and strokes and obvious finger painting Katsuki had built up over the past few weeks, and he smiled to himself as he stepped back to look.

A bunny and a clay man, smiling at each other, safe and secure in their own little world together.

Izuku was nothing if he wasn’t resilient. He would make that world a reality, no matter what it took.

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