[Slimy Slime] Chapter 31: What the hell?!

I was a good slime. I never bothered anyone. I only beat up some wolves that came for me, they started it! I even tried to save a baby and didn’t kill krrrgg when she tried to eat me! All in all, I was pretty much what you’d call ‘pretty chill’. Let’s not even talk about how I let Krrrgg stay with me! The best of buds, roommates forever! And as roommates, it was my duty to continue to be ‘chill’. Even if Krrrgg brought home a cat or a dog or even a wolf, that’d be fine. As long as they could take care of them, whatever!

However…. Wasn’t this a bit much?!

“WHY IS THERE AN ACTUAL BABY HERE?!” I screamed in Goblin.

Forget just a baby! Why- What- How- Why are there two people here?! Why are there two dozen goblins?! Why is that one, oh my god, if he shits on my fucking lawn I’m gonna lose it. My words seemed to have startled everyone, let alone my appearance. I was getting use to having my hands out and flying so… I may have shown up on top of a floating hand, with another 9 hands out. Everyone, humans, goblins, Krrrgg, baby, froze.

And then the baby started wailing. Goblin was… not a pretty language to hear at the best of times, especially not shouted. I could already feel a headache. I just wanted to rest and go back to training! What’s going on?! Why are there people here?!

“Krrrgg. Explain.” I had absolutely hit my limit on chill.

Krrgg froze and then looked at me and, hey, does she look different? Still entirely naked, except for her loincloth but… she’s definitely taller! No, not just taller! She looks even more lean than before and when did she even have time to get tattoos?! It dawned on me though. Holy shit, Krrgg had evolved!

“Mas…” My glare shut her down. I was a slime but I’d been practicing moving my slime to form ‘eyebrows.’ “Slimy… I found them in the forest. I brought them back to you.”

“Yes, yes, I see I see. See nothing! Why?! Why would you bring back two random people and a baby to my house?! Let’s ignore the goblins for the moment.”

“As an offering.”

An offering? Offering what-

Oh.

“Krrrgg.” I said, slowly, carefully. This time, everyone did more than just freeze. They backed away. “We do not eat humans. Not unless… they attack us first. If you feel differently, leave immediately.”

I didn’t like being serious, almost as a rule. But today had worn me out, that fight had worn me out, this whole situation had worn me out. And now, this was the cherry on top. Slimy Slime isn’t here right now.

Now you’re talking to Mr. Slime.

Krrrgg, for her part, gulped but she wasn’t subservient. She took a deep breath before speaking again.

“You don’t want to kill [Humans].”

“I’d prefer not to kill anyone or anything unless they attacked first. And even then… there can be exceptions. After all, you’re still alive right now. Do you understand?”

Krrrgg nodded, slowly. “I… understand.”

I clapped two of my spiritual hands together, getting rid of the nasty serious atmosphere.

“Great! Now, I don’t know why you brought all those goblins and I don’t care! Pet rules are in effect, you take care of them since you brought them around. I don’t want to deal with them at all! Ah, but they can’t stay in my courtyard or my cave. And they better follow house rules!”

Krrgg looked at me strangely, tilting her head, but nodded all the same.

Phew. Half of the problem is already dealt with! Now I just need to… deal with… humans. People. Wow. Huh. I looked at them and it was clear, they were utterly confused. Also slightly terrified. One looked like a lumberjack and the other looked kind of like a ranger. At least, she gave me huntress vibes. And they were holding a small baby in their arms.

I floated over to them and-

“%-%^$%^$%^?”

It felt like a brick hit my head for a moment because suddenly… I knew Common.

“H-Hello?”

Ahah! One of my greatest skills come in handy, once again!

[Universal Speech].

“Hello.” I replied.

Now, obviously, I expected some level of surprise. I suddenly could speak common. However, I also knew for a fact that there were plenty of monsters out there that could speak and even speak Common. Hell, look at Krrrgg! I was not, however, expecting their eyes to grow to dinner plate saucers levels and for them to try to practically flee backwards.

“Y-You can speak Common?!” The man said, desperately looking like he wanted to go for the sword on his hip.

“Yup!” Forming the words and air out of my slime. I’d made sure to practice for just this scenario! I was, I was actually talking to people! Humans! I wasn’t going to be stuck… here… alone for a… oh that might be a problem.

I was stuck here. If a whole town or kingdom’s worth of people or god forbid adventurers start showing up… I could be doomed! No, no, keep it chill. Keep it all good and chill. Surely these are just two… lost people that… went for a hike? Yes, yes of course. That must be it.

The man seemed to glance back at his wife and child, before firming up his courage and looking back at me, after taking a deep breath. Wow, that’s a lot of preparation just to talk to someone!

“What do you want with us?”

“Nothing! Total misunderstanding. My roommate over there found you and decided to show me you. That’s really it. If you’d like, you are completely free to leave.”

The man and woman and for some reason baby, all looked at me and blinked a few times. I held my best ‘I’m actually a really nice slime’ pose and eyebrows. The wind blew some grass as we stood there.

“...what.” The woman finally said.

I felt the need to cough. What else was I supposed to say?! Don’t look at me like that, like I’m the crazy one! I don’t know what to do here! Just when I felt my slimy heart was going to burst from the anxiety, the man spoke up, voice laced with disbelief.

“You’re… letting us go?”

“Yes, no, yes? You were never ‘caught’! Sorry if Krrrgg and her… merry band over there scared you. We don’t… really get many visitors haha. Anyway uh, yeah so… yeah.”

Real smooth Slimy. Nailed that one. Gah, it hasn’t even been that long since I got here and I’m already this bad at conversation?! They’re just people! Fantasy people. Potentially really dangerous super fantasy people that could kill me or get people to kill me if they found out they went missing. Fantasy people that could tell me so much about this world and how things work and where the hell I really am and-

Please don’t go! Please! I only have wolves and goblins and a Hob-Goblin to talk to! Krrrgg is great but… please don’t go! I want to talk to people again!

Of course, I must remain calm. I must not say all of that. They’d utterly freak out and-

“What… are you?”

If I could blink I would. I mean, I still did. My subconscious said I should and so I did with my [True Sight] but still. What am I? I, huh. I mean… I’m obviously a slime right? But also, I guess… clearly I’m not just a slime. So… how on earth do I… answer that one? Hmm.

“I’m Slimy Slime! It’s great to meet you!”

Yes, yes! Introductions, of course! However, my words seemed to have a weird effect as the man, the woman, and hey! Even the baby?! Why are all of their jaws dropping! What are you teaching your child?! How rude!

“....are we dreaming?” Said the woman.

“I… don’t think so?” The man said, baffled.

“Oi! Oi! My name is great! How good are your names anyway?!” Philistines! See if I don’t talk to you out of a crushing and growing sense of loneliness, see if I don’t!

…Please say more. I’m a social person!

My words seemed to snap them out of it. The man seemed to shake his head before focusing again.

“Ah. I’m Michael and this is my wife Sandra and daughter Tilia. It is… a pleasure to meet you mister… Slimy Slime.”

Sandra nodded at me.

“Great! We all know each other now. Though, I am curious. Why were you in the forest anyway? You know it’s dangerous out here! I mean, just earlier today I met this really weird wolf with pitch black eyes and some weird marking-”

“You ran into the [Black-Eye Wolf]?!” Michael and Sandra both said at the same time.

“You know about it? Wait, that’s its name? Well, I guess it fits. Anyway, yeah! That thing is out and about it man, it is tough. Super dangerous too. Definitely not something you should mess with. My god, it yells so much too. It’s really, really creepy. It makes this horrible call like a-

“Baby.” Sandra said, her face pale. “It makes a call like a baby crying out.”

I finally focused back in and noticed… Michael and Sandra didn’t look very good. They didn’t look very good at all. My voice softened.

“You know this wolf.”

“It… our village.” Michael said, voice catching on the words. Sandra put one of her hands on Michael’s shoulder, clearly not doing much better. I… see. That…

“Well… let me get you guys some food and chairs. I think we need to talk a little more.”

My dungeon core may not exactly have loads of mana but it had enough for this! I hope the food is edible. Suddenly, four wooden chairs and a table spawned in front of us, along with some basic meat and bread. I frowned. Some cups of water also spawned. There we go.

I looked up only to see my two new human friends eyes bulging out once more, staring at my new table.

“H-How did you do that!”

“Oh, I just used my [Dungeon Core]”

““A [Dungeon Core]?!”” Michael and Sandra said, startling Tilia.

I could already tell this was going to be a very productive conversation!