THE CHRONIC IS CHRONIC-ING

hey 🥺👉👈

Sooooooo, this is a sacred space yeah? 

I've been hyper-aware of not using this space as a place to vent all my negative experiences while also balancing a "keeping it real" attitude, as they say. My goal has been to express the raw, behind the scene happenings of my life and career since they are often intertwined. 

Basically, for the last 2 years I've been dealing with undiagnosed chronic pain and illness. I've felt incredibly self conscious openly sharing it with even with my closest friends and have lost a few dear ones who couldn't deal because this is shit is W I L D! 

Last year, I was going to the ER multiple times a week, had a seizure and now we have developed medical anxiety! (cuuute XD ) 

So, whenever I get sick, I shut down and go into panic mode that I'm going to lose my friends, my job, my house, my career yadda yadda yadda. 

I believe I have/had long covid, I know I have a stomach ulcer and the one that really fucks me up the most is undiagnosed pelvic shit. Like ovarian cysts, fibroids, or maybe endometriosis. 

I've never had health insurance and live in Los Angeles where it takes 3 months to get a consultation so long story short, I've gotten exceptionally good at pain management. 

I believe that shaming people who self diagnose is classist. Of course, as with everything, there are a million exceptions. But I think a lot of my anxiety comes from dealing with such immense pain but no way to describe it or justify it to anyone. 

Ambiguity is weird.

January 1st (happy new f*cking year), I got really sick for two weeks, then I got my period (whack) and then all of a sudden it's January 30th, essentially February.  

I don't currently have a job, so I've had to hustle thy system to come up with my rent via selling stuff, walking dogs, etc.

Fight or Flight, Survival mode, Hierarchy of needs type shit.

I say all of this because it dictates my day to day energy levels, capacity and comes out of no where. There's no planning this shit. And YOU are pledging your  earned money towards supporting Me, I don't take that lightly.

This lil container is still new to me. I have so many ideas and can see how I want to interact with this platform. Yet, if I'm being real with you, my anxiety and body got the best of me this month. T e c h n i c a l l y, I'm still within the window of January and gunna give y'all the goods. But I don't want this to be some sort last minute, thrown together thing. Cause this place is great and the people are cool :) 

I'm serious when I say some of my closest friends don't even know that I've been struggling with health issues but I just want this to be a messy, human space where art and life is shared. That sounds cheesy as I reread it but, fuck it, it's true. 

Even this post is more like an extremely long text message than some sexy, well edited essay. But it's what I have the capacity for and I'd rather share something than nothing at all with y'all. 

Anyways, I just needed to get that off my chest cause this month's been hard. I definitely went into my shell like when turtles get scared. 

If you're here, thank you. Thank you for betting on me and interacting with my work. The goal is always to be interacting with y'all as quickly as possible, but I appreciate any patience thrown my way. 

Fuck January, February is the real new year. 

xoxo

Gossip Wolf