Remembering My Friend, Prince Phillip

I really can't believe he's gone. 

It was the summer of 1999. I was in London working my first job in show business: A hired lyricist for what was to become 2000's Spice Girls album,  Forever.  (How I got the job is another story altogether... short version: right place, right time... ) So there I was on my second day, at Abby Road Studios with co-producer Richard Stannard, listening to some rough rhythm tracks and trying to find a hook or a theme to build a song around... I had brought in some lyrics that I thought were very good. A little silly, but fun and I thought the girls would spark to it. Maybe it was the little crisp of autumn in the late summer air that was inspiring me: 

It's Pumpkin Time, It's Pumpkin Time, 

Pour me some wine, straight from the vine  

A cornucopia of fun, a pumpkin party for everyone 

It's Pumpkin Time, It's Pumpkin Time. 

Richard was not impressed. He told me the Girls would not go for it, and then asked who I was, for the second time that morning.  I reminded him of my name and how I had been hired to contribute lyrics at the behest of one of the Spice Girls (which one is a whole other story which I will have to share with you later. hint; she doesn't appear on the album)  The stress from Richard's destain towards me and the several pints of Guinness and meat pies from the evening before caused my belly to turn upside down and I excused myself to the loo. 

As I loudly evacuated,  I immediately realized I was creating a nearly impossible to withstand toxic odor that the ventilation system of dear old Abby Road was no match for.  Just then a pair of well polished shoes gliding under some silk suit pants appeared under the stall's door.  A brusk, regal voice bellowed: 

"Good God, what the Hell  died in here?" 

It was a small enough Men's room for me to know there was no hiding; no denying. 

"Sorry about that!" I offered. 

"I say, I haven't smelled such horror since the war.  Is that an American accent I hear?" 

"Yea. Yes." 

"Well then, finish your business and present yourself to me." 

Who was this man?  I was intimidated by his commanding voice and curious to see who it was. Was it George Martin?  I hastily wiped up my mess, pulled up my pants, flushed and exited the stall. 

There before me was an impeccably dressed, tall, ancient and royal gentleman. It took my brain about 3 seconds to process precisely who it was: Price Phillip, husband to Queen Elizabeth. 

"Well..." He began, "Feel better?"

"Yes, sorry sir. I was not feeling well." 

"Too many meat pies, eh? He laughed, poking my belly with his long, boney finger. 

"Sir... I..." I was tongue tied. 

"What are you doing here, my boy?" 

"I'm writing lyrics for the Spice Girls new record." 

"Oh the Spice Girls, eh? Smashing. I do like them very much." 

"As do I, sir"  I lied. 

"They have put Great Britain back on the map!"  He declared. 

"I suppose they have!" I agreed. 

"Well then, a friend of the Spice Girls is a friend of mine." He stuck his hand out to shake and I went in to reciprocate but we both quickly realized I hadn't had time to wash my hands. We both laughed and I turned to give my hands a good scrubbing. He watched closely and offered guidance. 

"That's it. Plenty of soap there,  boy. Give it a good scrub. There may be feces lodged under your fingernails, you know. One never can be too clean."  He said, concerned. 

After drying my hands we engaged in a good strong handshake.  I asked him what he was doing at Abby Road. 

"A spoken word thing, for charity. I am reading the words to a Beatles song. Some silliness called Savory Truffle." ( Royal Beatles, a spoken word compilation of Royal Family members reading Beatles lyrics over instrumental backing tracks, a benefit for the NIH was abandoned shortly thereafter, due to lack of Royal availability/interest.) 

"I should get back to the studio." I said. 

"Yes yes and I came in here to take a tinkle, after all" 

"I'm Tim, by the way. Tim Heidecker" 

"Good to meet you Tim. I shall see to it that you join us at the Palace for lunch before you make your return to the United States." 

"Oh wow, that'd be amazing.  I'm here until September." 

"Jolly good." 

I left the bathroom in a daze.  

I returned to the studio and was immediately fired. 

With no other prospects in London, I left town the following week and with no way of directly contacting Prince Phillip, I had no choice but to abandon the idea of dining with him and the Queen. Oh well, at least I had the experience of meeting and chatting with him in the Abby Road lavatory.  (Spice Girls Forever would flop. Maybe they should have tried "Pumpkin Time" 

12 years later, I was in London for some stand up shows (my career as a pop lyricist well behind me) I got a call from an unlisted number. It was Prince Phillip. 

"I say, is this Tim Heidecker, the same Tim Heidecker I met all those years ago in the lavatory at Abby Road Studios?" 

"It is sir! How wonderful of you to remember!" 

"I never forget a smell, my boy." He joked. "I saw your name in the paper... that you were in town, as they say." 

"Yes, doing some shows at the Soho Theater" 

"Smashing! Look, we're up at Balmoral Castle and I see you have a few days off. Would you like to join us up here? A little game hunting, a little R&R for you?" 

"Oh that would be amazing" I said, suddenly self conscious of my overuse of the word "Amazing" in the presence of royalty. 

"Wonderful. A car is waiting for you downstairs." 

I looked out my flat's window and there beneath me was a black Bentley waiting to chauffeur me off to a helicopter and onto the Castle. 

That weekend remains one of the most remarkable but unfortunately, private experiences of my life.   PP (as I grew to call him) and bonded in ways I find difficult to explain.  There was deep love there. Fraternal love, but love, nonetheless.  

After that weekend, we spoke frequently over the phone and then later using Facetime.  The time change made it difficult, but PP always made time for me.  Often he would confess, sobbing: you are the only one who understands me."  

There is so much the world doesn't know about Prince Philip: 

His love of Green Day, his accidental castration in 2006, his lifelong total blindness,  which he somehow managed to hide from everyone, including the Queen... and the fact that he had a secret best friend named Tim. 

Rest well my Prince, 

Love Tim