This Quest is Bullshit - Chapter 160

Chapter 160 - Do Hive Minds Commit Grand Larceny?

You realize we’re not actually robbing this place, right? Lumy asked as she hovered above Eve’s hand-drawn map of Annie’s bank.

“Not even a little?”

Eve, no. How does one rob someplace a little?

“You leave stuff behind, obviously,” Eve answered. “Instead of robbing them a lot, you’re robbing them a little.”

I’m not robbing anybody, Lumy replied. And neither are you.

“That’s no fun.”

We’re not here to have fun.

“That’s where you’re wrong.” Eve snapped her fingers. “Everywhere I go, I go to have fun. It turns out, you can have fun anywhere.”

Lumy flashed yellow. Now think about how much easier things would be if you stopped having fun and took things seriously for five minutes.

“This is serious,” Eve insisted. “Burnout’s a serious problem, and the best way to combat it is to have some serious fun.”

We’re not robbing the bank.

“Of course not,” Eve said. “We’re robbing the safe deposit boxes.”

No.

“C’mon, don’t tell me you’re not at least a little curious what they keep in there. What do hive minds find valuable enough to store like that? How secure do things need to be in a city with less than a hundred unique consciousnesses? Are they afraid another hive mind is going to rob them? Do hive minds commit grand larceny?”

Clearly they should be concerned someone is going to rob them, because someone is apparently planning on it.

“Only a little,” Eve murmured.

A little robbery is still robbery! Lumy sent. If you really wanna know what’s in those safe deposit boxes, I can phase through one and tell you. Or, alternatively, have you considered just asking?

Eve stopped short. “You think that would work?”

Lumy sent an image of a human shrugging. Potentially. I have no idea if hive minds keep secrets, but a simple question seems like a good first step before jumping straight to larceny.

“Hold that thought.” Eve darted from the emptied-out domicile Dave had lent her to step out into the sunny street. She walked up to the first drone she saw. “Hi, I’m sorry if this is a weird question, but I took a tour of Annie’s bank this morning and I was wondering what sorts of things Zandith minds keep in safe deposit boxes.”

The drone turned up her scaly palms. “I can’t speak for the others, but mine’s got my recipe books in it. If one of the others got their hands on those, my restaurants would go under in a week.”

Eve blinked. “Huh. And the bank is more secure than a building you own?”

“There’s not much any of us own that anyone else would consider worth stealing,” the drone explained. “It’s more efficient to have one secure place we all store our valuables than a hundred different buildings that each mind has to secure on their own.”

“I guess that makes sense. Thanks!”

The drone smiled and bowed her head. “Glad to be of help, your majesty. When you next see him, tell Alvin that Gerald says hi.”

“Will do!” Eve promised before returning to her dimly lit room and the three floating lights within.

That wasn’t so hard, was it?

“You win,” Eve conceded. “One point for asking first.”

Wonderful, Lumy sent. So we can eliminate this silly stop at the safe deposit boxes?

“Yeah, yeah,” Eve said, scratching off that part of the line she’d drawn on her map. “That leaves four sets of defensive enchantments and two steel doors. The enchantments will be easy enough, but the doors are an issue. I’d really rather nobody know we were there. If there’s any hint someone came through, they’ll figure out it was us real quickly.”

She said, minutes after deciding she actually wasn’t going to rob the place, Lumy snarked.

Eve sighed. “This would be so much easier if I could put the ring in storage. Just turn into a cloud of Mana, travel through the same pathways the enchantments do, and we’re in.”

I’d rather piss off a few hive minds than risk absorbing that ring into your Mana pool.

“Yeah, yeah,” Eve waved her off. “I’ll figure something out. Worst case I can just knock the doors down. I doubt they’ll follow us into the cave, and once we’re in we theoretically don’t need to come back through here. If there’s no other entrance to the caves, I’ll be surprised.”

You’ll be surprised and trapped, Lumy corrected.

“No, I’ll be surprised and blasting a hole through the ceiling,” Eve replied.

Fun.

Eve laughed, “Now you’re getting it!”

Lumy sighed.

“Actually, now that I think about it,” Eve said, staring down at her poorly drawn map, “which way do those doors lock? Are they to stop people from going down to the cave entrance, or to stop monsters from coming up?”

I don’t know, Lumy sent. I didn’t stop to analyze the inner workings of the locks.

“Cause if they’re locked from the outside, we can just open them,” Eve explained, “and if they’re locked from the inside… I think I have an idea how to get around that.”

Oh no.

Eve grinned, grabbing her map off the table and disintegrating it with a burst of annihilation Mana. “Oh yes.”

——

Let it be known for all foolhardy delinquents, criminal masterminds, and particularly driven adventurers, that the optimal time to rob a hive mind is at night. The number of would-be thieves who fuck this up would astound even the most observant of onlookers.

Eve, of course, didn’t necessarily realize that with most of her drones asleep, Annie only had access to the mental capacity of those few who remained awake rather than the combined brains of hundreds of drones. She only chose to break in under cover of dark because night felt like the right time for these sorts of things. It felt like that because it was.

Few enough drones walked the streets that Eve had no trouble evading them, while Lumy traveled through the ground beneath her feet to avoid attracting attention with her lights.

Getting into the bank was easy enough. The gap under the front door stretched wide enough that Eve could simply kick the ring through, cloth wrapping and all, and then float through herself as a cloud of Mana. The first true line of defense was a simple alarm enchantment, which Eve simply commanded not to sound.

Being the queen of Burendia had its perks.

The light of Eve’s eyes cast long shadows across the dark lobby as Lumy rose up through the floor to join her. There wasn’t a Zandith in sight.

Eve wasted no time turning left and slipping through an unlocked side door into a narrow stairway. Before she set foot upon the wooden steps, she commanded this second set of enchantments to ignore the pressure from her feet.

The stair creaked under her weight as she descended to the lowest floor, dodging under the odd bit of willow-root that’d grown straight through the tunnel. Apparently the Zandith preferred these random obstructions to pruning their crystal tree.

Her eyes cast two beams like those from a flashlight across the hallway she stepped out into. Eve wasted no time. Her soft-soled mistlerhide boots strode silently across the cut stone floor as she walked past empty offices, restrooms, and storage closets to the first of the imposing steel security doors. Cutting out her visit to the vault saved her a lot of breaking-in effort, but Annie was no slouch. Eve tried the handle.

It didn’t budge.

Locked, Eve silently communicated to Lumy. On to plan B.

Unlike the front door, these left no gap Eve could fit the cursed ring through. She had to get it open. Kneeling down in front of the keyhole, Eve dissociated her right arm into a cloud of Mana and willed it through. On the other side, she reformed some of the Mana into a hand and tried the handle. It too held fast.

Shit, Eve cursed. This side’s locked too. Feels like a combination lock.

Can you open it?

Give me a moment, Eve said. Part of me is inside the locking mechanism right now. I just need to figure it out and I can get the passcode.

Tense seconds passed as Eve analyzed the lock. Lacking anything resembling experience in locksmithing, it was slow work. Still, she progressed. She’d already managed to figure out the first two numbers in the combination when Lumy proved her usefulness as a lookout.

Guard! Lumy practically shouted into Eve’s head. Coming down the hall.

I’m almost done, Eve sent back. Distract her.

On it.

Lumy flew off, darting around the corner and flashing as bright as she could to pull the drone’s attention away from where Eve worked.

It’s not working! the phantasmal remnant sent frantically. Guard’s not reacting at all! It’s like she can’t even see me.

That’d explain why they’ve never mentioned you, Eve thought back. How much time do I have? I’ve got the numbers, just need to enter the combination on the wheel.

You gotta go now. She’s coming.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, Eve cursed. She’d really hoped to avoid pissing off the hive minds. She spent a precious second frantically searching her person for an idea, some way to avoid notice, when something in her storage space caught her notice. In but a moment, she deployed it, then dissociated and passed through the door entirely.

The guard turned the corner to find a dead fish sitting on the floor.

This is your plan? Lumy asked.

Just tell me when she’s gone, Eve replied. Broken doors will lead them to me. Random fish appearing out of nowhere might not.

She watched through Lumy’s perception as the Zandith stooped over to grab the raw trotia, staring down at it as she held it in her scaled hands. Eve could practically feel the confusion coming off of her.

Seconds passed.

Eve held her breath.

Annie’s drone scowled.

And then, still gazing down at the dead fish in discombobulation, the Zandith turned and left.

Eve exhaled.

Once Lumy confirmed the coast was clear, Eve entered the passcode on her side of the door and swung it open just long enough to pick up the cloth-bundled ring off the hallway floor. Sure enough, the fish, visible and weird as it was, had served as the perfect distraction from the actual piece of evidence Eve had left sitting a dozen feet behind it. She stuffed the ring into her pocket and continued on her way.

I can’t believe that worked, Lumy sent as the two traversed the narrow passage behind the steel door.

And you said trying Zandith food was a bad idea, Eve replied.

You didn’t try it though. You just stored it then dropped it on the floor.

I’d consider that a very successful meal, Eve sent back.

If Wes were here, Lumy sent, how many red herring jokes do you think he’d be making right now?

Exactly enough that a guard would hear and we’d all get caught.

Lumy laughed. That sounds about right.

Now that she’d done it once, deducing the combination for the second door proved much easier, especially since this one locked from the outside. Eve didn’t even have to reach an arm through it.

The cave entrance was less of an imposing archway with arcane runes carved into it than a hole in the floor with a shimmering magic barrier over it. Eve glanced down at it. Welp, here we are.

Let’s hope there’s an actual vault down there, Lumy replied.

Eve grinned. Only one way to find out. With a simple exertion of her will, the enchantments flickered out, and the way down opened. Stopping to turn and wink at her phantasmal companion, Eve stepped forward and hopped down into the dark hole. Before she even hit the soft dirt floor of the cave, the notification popped into view.

You have entered the dungeon: Forgotten Caverns! Fight well.

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