Archive Highlight; "Real Vanilla"

This past summer I gave remarks at the wedding of some treasured friends. It was a beautiful ceremony, and came at a time when I'm thinking pretty deeply and heavily about the ways that "Love" is a term we all use but carry different beliefs for. It had me thinking about my "True Love Story" library I used to run in public spaces in NYC, where people wrote and exchanged stories about True Love and gave author interviews. Of those conversations, this one remains perhaps the most striking to me.

When I began a project asking people for True Love Stories, my goal was to wade into the vague, thorny, almost mystical uncertainties around the concept of "True Love." I assumed that uncertainty would be shared, which is why an interview with someone ironclad in their certainty left us with pearls of eloquence from Past Yannick such as this:

Y: Would you .. call .. this “it.” Your “it”—would you call that True Love?

R: Yeah. I would.

Y: … I … (incomprehensible)

R: (laughing)

What follows is one of the most remarkable conversations I've had on record, and one that cyclically comes to haunt me. Looking back, it strikes me how young this person was, and yet how old they seemed— and of course, since I have all the certainty of a bag of scrabble letters with no board, how certain they seem about it all. What is the nature of True Love? Will we ever find it? And what the fuck would we do if we did? 

Interview below, followed by the story the author submitted:

R___.- October 20th— Morning — Central Park, Upper West Side —Manhattan NY, USA

- - -

research associates notes:

1. Overlapping speech is marked like //this//, and — indicates interruptions.

2. Notations, the inclusion of in/exhalations, and even the placement of punctuations (like, commas, for instance) are intended less to capture and express the meanings articulated than to simply document the sounds and flow of speech. The I.I.C. does not currently employ any mind-readers*, and so as a policy we try to avoid guessing at the inner life and intents of participating authors. Instead, we just write down what we hear, as specifically as we can.

*If you are reading this and are a currently un/under-employed telepath, please contact us post-haste. We have exciting positions to offer you, with admittedly low pay but an abundance of light refreshments.

- - -

00:00:00-0

Yannick:Could you count to 10 please?

R___.: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Yannick: Cool. That’s the last time you need to think about that [the mic]

R___.: (laughing)

00:00:11-4

Y: So. Uh, .. how was that?

R: Um, it was good. It’s, um, it’s sad, and I wish it wasn’t so sad, but, that’s the way it is sometimes, so.

Y: Why do you wish it wasn’t sad?

R: (tsk) Um, because I know somebody else is going to read it. And, I feel .. like I’d to give them something happy and hopeful, but more so this one’s kind of a … warning to .. (inhale) not think too much, and think with your gut a little bit more than your head when you’re making decisions. (tsk) Um, because the whole idea of like letting something go and, seeing if it comes back and all that stuff that’s .. Nicholas Sparks loves to talk about over and over again in all of his sappy stuff (inhale) is great, um, but that’s not necessarily how real things work. Um, so … I don’t know. I think sometimes it’s just sad, and there isn’t always a happy ending, and things don’t always come back .. um, if you make certain choices.

Y: Is … is that still a good love story?

R: (inhale) I think it’s still a good one because it’s a true one. Um, and I think anytime you have love—and even though, you know it turned out the way it did, it’s .. not something I would take back. Um, because I think we, we can think ourselves into a lot of things and I think I know a lot of people that think themselves into love, or, think themselves out of it, um, but when you actually have felt it, and you know what it really is when you’ve felt it it’s … it’s a different thing. And it’s not something that’s very like explainable, but it’s something you shouldn’t .. let go of.

Y: So, uh,// (incomprehensible) (acknowledging that “the next couple questions may be frustrating” because she has described love as something not very explainable)//

R: //oh yeah - okay//

Y: How do you know you’ve felt it?

R: (exhale) Um, … well this particular person, when I .. saw him, like, .. literally my - my whole body lurched. And I’m a very, uh, logical, focused sort of driven person. And, I remember thinking like the second I saw him like, “oh shit.” And I (laugh) remember having this thought of like, “oh no”—like just, “shit.” Like,

‘cause I was like, you know, 20 and, talking to a few people, and seeing a few people, and, trying to figure my life out, and then I just see this person and, like, instantaneously, and like it’s unexplainable I knew nothing about him, but like the second I made eye contact, I was like—some sort of like biological reaction of like, “oh.” And then I tried to be like “oh you’re being silly, it’s-it’s-it’s fine, it’s”—and like logic came in and it’s—“no no no, it’s nothing.” And then I pushed it away, and then it, —we talked, and it’s still there. 

(inhale) And then I pushed it away again “well he lives you know 8 hours away, this is never gonna happen,” pushed it away (inhale) and then it’s there. And, I—no matter how much you logic it away like it’s not something that makes sense. It’s something that’s, that’s like, there’s a solution to, it’s just something that exists. Um, like, (exhale) —I’m trying to figure out how to explain it. Yeah, it’s just like, it’s something that you can’t know exists until you’ve actually felt it, for real, and because I wasn’t looking for it and because I didn’t want it, and even after I felt it and figured out what I was feeling, I was still like, … — couldn’t believe that this was an experience that you could have. And it’s like, a new … it’s like tasting a new food for the first time, where you’re just like, you-you literally had no idea this flavor profile was in existence, but there it is. (inhale) and now you know exactly what it is, but … …. … what is it? Um, … … it’s feeling like a real, true, tangible—definitely tangible in some sort of form—connection to someone, that it’s like, … it doesn’t matter if I don’t talk to him for the next twelve years, or if I see him tomorrow, or if we’re both married with whatever going on, he has six kids with someone else or whatever, it’s, like a connection and a-a tether almost that’s like, it’s just not gonna go away. And it was there before, but, until you come in contact with it for the first time and can identify this thing, (inhale) it’s like, you don’t—you’re not gonna know it’s there, and then the second you’re aware of it’s like, you can’t, you can’t stop being aware of it. You know? Um, …

Y: You can’t stop being aware of it. What is, // “it?” //

R: // It. // … It … that bond. Like, it’s - it’s … um, … … … it’s like a bug bite. Where like, —and I know bug bites heal and they go away. But, um, so when you get a bug bite, right?, like sometimes you don’t notice it but the second you .. scratch it for the first time you’re like “oh. That’s there.” And it could have been there for a week, it—you could’ve just like—it could of not been bothering you but now it’s there and you know it’s there. And now, you’re-you’re so aware that it’s there, and you’re not gonna, like, .. you know, it’s-it’s gonna constantly be there now, and the awareness of it is what makes us kind of crazy. It’s where all these like, rom-coms come from, and all these silly stories of people doing insane things because like when you have a bug bite it itches and you’ll do anything to like, get rid of it or make it better make it what you want it to be. And it’s like, still gonna - you can try, but sometimes it’s still gonna just, be there, like it’s … …I don’t know.

Y: Do you feel like, “it” has a name that you can use?

R: I mean, “love.” But, … … … and it’s funny ‘cause the last time I actually talked to this person, um, wasn’t such a pleasant conversation. Um, but I did say “You’re my it.” Because there—ther—(laugh) there’s no other—like I can’t get more definitive than that. Like, this is .. that’s—he’s my “it.” I .. could marry and, whatever with somebody else, I could, you know travel the world by myself for years but no matter what happens no matter what either of us do, no matter how much we hurt each other or not, like he’s still gonna be my “it.” And like, it’s like you’re … … (tsk) um, (exhale) I can’t— like it’s just something that … that’s like, sewn on you like you can’t—it’s just gonna … I can’t think of another word for it, other than like, it’s like part of your soul—or there’s that, um, .. (tsk) maybe it’s a Greek story? The story about humans having two heads and four arms and four legs? So .. I guess he’s my like other half sort of thing? But you don’t necessarily .. I mean once you’re split up you don’t necessarily find your other half again you can still function, (inhale) just that doesn’t make it any less what it is.

Y: Would you .. call .. this “it.” Your “it”—would you call that True Love?

R: Yeah. I would.

Y: … I … (incomprehensible)

R: (laughing)

Y: … … … so what do you do now?

R: Um. (tsk) You keep going. And … you’re honest —‘cause something I’ve noticed in a lot of people is that .. and even with myself—because the problem was I wasn’t being honest with myself. And that’s how I got into this state, that I was — I was trying to make us fit into this box, and I was trying to logic through this, ‘cause it-it needed to have, you know we’re supposed to be a certain way, and we’ve been together for so long, and we’re supposed to have certain commitments, and this is how it’s supposed to be, and I’m supposed to of chea—achieved this much, and I’m not achieving this much. Is it because I’m with this person? (inhale) Am I—and you know, I let all this other stuff .. consume me, and like while that love was still there, I logicked my self into thinking that, it wasn’t what we needed right now. And, really like, truly pushed him … as hard as you can push someone out of your life. Like, truly with as much like, force and reasoning and everything like gave him .. no reason to stay and every reason to leave. And like, even helped him leave. Um, because I wasn’t in a good place. And, it took me a long time to figure out why I did that. Because even as I was doing it I didn’t hate him. I wasn’t mad at him. I just, was in a personal—like I wasn’t well. And I didn’t want to poison my other half. (inhale) And like, didn’t know that at the time, but it’s like once you do something like that, you know, you don't always get it back. Um, so you just have to, move on, and .. see if there's something comparable — 'cause, um, a friend recently told me that she believes there are multiple soulmates and multiple True Loves. (inhale) I kind of think she's full of shit, but um, that's—um, (inhale) because I don't think she's .. felt that. And I—like again it's .. you can think yourself into believing that you've felt True Love, but until you've actually felt your entire insides pull up, and every part of you like go, like "oh shit." Like until you've felt that, you're not gonna know that you haven't felt that.

So it's easy to call anything else that—like if you haven't had, ... um, ... if you've never had real vanilla, if you've only ever had imitation vanilla, (inhale) you're not gonna know that it's imitation vanilla. If you've had real vanilla, then you're gonna know when it's .. that fake vanilla isn't as good. But if you only ever had fake vanilla, how do you know that you haven't had real vanilla. 'cause you've never had. So if you've only ever had things that are sort of like love, then how do you know that you haven't had True Love. Until you've actually had and then once you've had it, there's no—you can't not know that you've had that.

Y: You can't not know it's real vanilla.

R: Yeah. Unless you've had real vanilla.

Y: So how do you cope?

R: Oh you mean like moving forward?

Y: Yeah.

R: I mean, you either learn to enjoy fake vanilla, or (laugh) you just stop eating things with it all together (laughing). (inhale) One or the other. So, it's like, I mean or you can hope that you can find, like (inhale) "maybe this was Madagascar .. Vanilla bean, maybe you can hope that you can find some sort of like (inhale) .. amazing, like other.. vanilla out there." Um ... maybe you can hope that there's something. But I kind of think, like, once you've felt that, it's like (tsk), you're just gonna have to fondly remember that experience, and like, .. either hope you come across it again, or, appreciate that you got to have it. You know. (tsk) Um, and appreciate that you—unlike a lot of people that you know—know what it tastes like, and know what it feels like. And like, know that that's out there, even if you don't have it right now, like even if it's not yours right now, like knowing that it's there ..um, and that you're a different person for it, is ... something I wouldn't trade. I'm not gonna say it's like a happy feeling, but it's not something I would like give up. Mhm. 

Y: ... ... ... I uh, ... ... ... I have to tell you, as a research associate .. who's job it is —nominally—is to find and describe True Love, for someone to sit down and say, "yes, it's real. This was it. Here it is. That's what it's like"—down to "Love at First Sight," in a way—

R: mhm

Y: ... ... ...

R: But the thing is it's scary. It scared the shit out of me. And I was afraid of it for the longest time, and I tried to .. I tried to pretend it wasn't what it was for so long. And then I gave in, and then I got scared again. (inhale) And it is scary, 'cause it's .. True Love is life changing. Like you can be in love with someone, or you can like develop a relationship and figure out how to make your lives work, but True Love is something that like ... ... ... it-it just-it does change you, in a way, like .. and, —I don't know, it's just, .. yeah, it's um, ... ... it's a way different thing. Um, but that's why the decisions you make, and what part of yourself you use to make those decisions is really ... um, important. And, as someone who fully believes in logically thinking through every decision, I do think that, had I known how to .. think with my gut, um a year ago, things would be way different. But I didn't know who to do that a year ago. And I put all this other stuff .. before that. And, it's like (inhale) that's the other thing if you've had real vanilla for four plus years, four and a half years, you forget what it's like to only be able to have imitation. And you, forget that like, it's —you-you can take it for granted, and you can forget that it's like "oh wait, very few other people around me have this, and I should feel really really grateful and I should hold on to this." (inhale) Because you're like .. you just forget, and then, you could give it away and.. ... ... then you're just stuck.

Y: But could you hold on to it? 'Cause from the way you describe it, —do-do you think it would be possible for someone .. at .. to find "it"—

R: mhm

Y: —or it finds them, and to hold it for, 80 years. Do you think a person could survive that?

R: Yeah, I think you could. I mean, (exhales) ... ... (exhales) I think there's so many things going on at one time for each person, that it's really tricky, um, especially because we've moved away from this whole like, standardized life of like, (inhale) you go to school you get a job you get married you have kids, that's, that's what you do. And I think —it's wonderful that as society we've opened up all these other options, but it's also like, because of that, it's easy to lose sight of certain things now. Because now there's so much, and it's just like ... ... ... I do think it's possible to hold it for 80 years, and I, like I said, no matter what other decisions I make now, um—I mean I, recently told him what I realized. Um, but he's with someone else, and he's like "you know, we've chosen this, we've got to see where this trajectory goes. I'm always gonna love you, but, .. this is where we are now, and I-I - I feel happy right now, so, so we should see where this .. takes us." Um, and that was hard to hear. And he wanted to keep talking to me, and-and—'cause it's, you know, it's there, and no matter what we do it's gonna be there. So he wants to .. be there but it's like, well if you're trying to be there with someone else, if you're trying to figure out if .. she's your other half, if you haven't figured out the difference between real and fake vanilla yet, then I .. I can't .. do anything right now. So it's not even, (tsk) it's not that I'm holding it or letting it go, it's that it's —it's there, and it's gonna be there, and it's just a thing that's going to be there. And whether I get to have it back completely again or not is .. sort of out of my hands. Because at this point I've realized it, figured out how to be honest with myself and then I've been as honest with him as I can. (inhale) And it's like, there's .. nothing more for me to do.

Y: By all rights, (incomprehensible) but I cannot, help but ask this careless question, // which is, //

R: // mhm//

Y: ... should we be holding out for real vanilla? Those of us who .. who haven't tasted it?

R: ............. I think, ... ... I think it's your decision. Because, ... thinking about who I was and how I walked through life before .. that, I would have been totally happy the rest of my life. And, it's not that you can't have a fulfilling life, it's not that you can't find a partnership that works, .. um—and I think those are all good, fulfilling things. U-but I think if you do come across real vanilla, you should drop everything. And I wouldn't have said that a year ago, I wouldn't have said that five years ago. (inhale) Um, but sitting where I am now, and also having a couple minor near death experiences, uh, in the midst of all this, I can tell you, that, ... if you - if you see an opportunity for it and you don't take it, that's all you're gonna think about. Is that you didn't take it. (tsk) And at-at the end, that's what's gonna matter.

Y: This is the last question of anything I ever do: who are you?

R: R___..

... ... ...

Y: Cool.

[END]

TRANSCRIPT

I was going to visit a friend and have a reunion of sorts with some people that I had done a summer program with in high school. At this point, I am 20 and questioning everything, particularly if I made the right decision in pursuing the arts. When I get to my friend’s home, I find out that most of the others had cancelled (it was either too far or not a good weekend). Despite this upset, my friend had brought his roommate, Tom., After a weekend of wonderfully electric moments, I knew something between the two of us was unlike anything I’d ever felt. Three months later, we both found ourselves in London (just by chance + incredible luck). Two years later we moved to New York and started living together. Two and a half years after that, I found myself anxious about life and its uncertainties, and I pushed him out. He tried to stay, but I can be stubborn. Six months after that, I realized he was my it. Now, I’m wondering if we’ll ever find each other again, but I’m trying to trust in the journey, wherever it goes.