a smol (srs) chit chat about 2024... !

hi scouts!

now that 2024 is over, i've been thinking it's a good opportunity to discuss how that year went. admittedly, i've been pretty hesitant to talk about it because all it really is is ranting 😅 i realize that paetron is a pretty controlled and comfy space to sort of dump my feelings. so if you're curious on how my 2024 year went, even if you might not have full context, please feel welcome to read! :D

a major part of 2024 was honestly so dookie dog water that i can't even begin how to describe it. LOL. and even in 2023, my mental was pretty bad that it had bled over into the new year of 2024. so as you can see, i didn't exactly have a good start to 2024 :.D

but luckily, the later half of 2024 was when i started to climb out of a big ol hole in the ground. but unfortunately, the process of climbing out also took many months, though i finally was allowed to let my mental health heal and breathe, which is why i am forever thankful for all of your support since coming back. it's truly been helpful, and overwhelmingly positive, and i'm happy to say that i get to write about this without feeling sad anymore (:

all that aside, i want to get into the rougher, more sensitive topic of my year, so early 2024 :,3
trigger warning though, i do plan to cover stuff like depression and stuff !

at the start of 2024, i was already in a pit of depression. personal life stuff was a jumbled mess, and to make things even more complicated, my work life was also gradually taking a toll on me and eating at my mental.

depression is a bitch honestly. to get a bit personal, i've always been prone to it my entire life. but as i went into the field of entertainment, i noticed that depression is a whole new animal that unfortunately, i wasn't prepared for. and without being provided with the necessary tools, it made operating simple day-to-day life tasks incredibly challenging. in turn, my work life was of course hugely affected. though, depression aside, my work life was already very difficult for me, things just only got harder as my mental derailed

i was used to handling depression when i was younger. as morbid as it sounds, it was easier to "deal" with it at the time. i didn't have the weight of the adult life of paying bills, showing up to work, maintaining work/personal relationships, etc.

but as i came to realize later in life, depression SUCKS WAY MORE because the ways i WAS coping with it NO LONGER REALISTICLY WORKS WITH THIS NEW LIFEFSTYLE

AAAAAAAAAA

but anyway- to preface, entertainment industry hard when brain go brrrr.

it is a bit alienating to have to deal with personal hardship while maintaining a happy facade to the public. it seems like that's a common and challenging obstacle to deal with as an entertainer.

because once the stream ends and the live-chatter stops, there is a loneliness that i can't put into words. when the stream goes black, reality snaps me back that says, "hey, you're done streaming. let's get back to focusing on all of your problems." (that's the depression bug in the brain talkin. i don't experience this anymore, fyi!)

at the time, there were no support groups for me. i didn't go through therapy, i didn't have an outlet to rant to it's fullest extent. without the proper guidance, it was easy to look to the public for words of encouragement.

a well and sturdy "i hope it gets better", comment can be the eye of a storm; it's a passing, fleeting moment. but that brief feeling of reassurance, although greatly appreciated, is only temporary.

certain problems when brought up publicly, could easily be escalated and misconstrued, which is why depending on the topic, it is not a good idea to share. so, there never was a 100% connection to that degree, due to circumstances. staying vague was what i had to resort to, as painful as it felt.

depression is tough because it corners you into a helpless state of "no one can help me, they wouldn't understand"

and trust me, i tried to reach out for support. but i kept running into walls, ultimately becoming outcasted and put aside. it was a very discouraging feeling, and i just felt.. lost.

to this day, i still can't fully explain the experiences i endured in it's entirety. though, it shouldn't matter if it's explained or not at the end of the day.

2024 is over, and that water has long since passed under the bridge.

all i can do is look forwards to the future, and build an empire around me of happiness and joy. now, i look back a lot. and perceive that time as a learning and vital growing experience. without it, i wouldn't be equipped with the tools i have today. i learned the absolute hardest way of course, but that's why i keep saying how extremely confident i am with this redebut. because this is the good ending (and starting!)

nothing motivates me harder than remembering my toughest time. which is why i honestly don't mind writing a bit about it to reflect.

spoiler alert, my model wears a few bandaids to show that i overcame a lot of hurdles. cause honestly, it's just a few scratches- i'm still here baby!

so, with that, here's to 2025 everyone! thank you truly for being here.