BPD Oversharing Pt. 1

When it comes to living with Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, I’m usually very selective with what I share. Despite wanting to use my influence for good, when it comes to personal battles with mental health, I believe it is down to the individual to only share what they feel comfortable with. I’m sure some of you reading this were not even aware up until now that BPD is something I have shown symptoms of since my early teens, and was officially diagnosed with only a few short years back.

Tonight I have an overwhelming urge to share a little bit of how I’m currently feeling, as this is far from a rare occurrence - just one that I try my best to keep to myself for my own mental wellbeing. That’s another thing I constantly battle with my BPD - impulsiveness. There are many times I can hold off whims and impulses, but there are naturally occurring cycles within my everyday life where I will go through periods of extreme impulsiveness and a looser grip on my emotional state. This week I entered this cycle again.

I’ve become pretty good at detecting when I am more sensitive to these periods, although I cannot predict them ahead of time - I can only really say I’m “going through a rough patch” (put in such a casual way to those closest to me for the sake of understanding, which is preferable to me than a heavy informational discussion in my heavier times) when I’ve already engaged in something impulsively. To many who do not fully understand BPD, this can look as though Emma Blackery is “looking for drama” or “oversharing for attention” or “getting defensive” and this is something I have gotten very used to. I am used to people treating my impulses as a negative conscious choice, as I do not expect the world to know the ins and outs of a personality disorder that affects roughly 2% of people worldwide.

So where am I going with all of this? To be honest, I’m not too sure. I’m sitting in bed watching ASMR mukbangs (remember when I made a video mocking ASMR as I didn’t understand how beneficial it was for anxious mindsets or emotionally-fragile periods of time?) and I am sure I will be spending quite a good few hours more than usual in this bed this week. From feeling incensed enough to be more vocal than usual on social media, having to relive personal friendship issues from months past, to receiving targeted harassment from a group of individuals online (both in DMs and attempting public character assassination by falsely accusing me of saying something offensive, by commenting “we know what you did” on multiple accounts in order to make it look legitimate, but we’ll leave that there...) in just the past couple of days, my mental state has been temporarily rocked.

I am doing my best to treat those around me with the same patience and kindness as I usually am able to, but in this state, I often get very emotional and take on a bit more of a “victim complex” than usual. A very common symptom with BPD is something called “splitting” (or ‘black and white thinking’) where everything splits into two extremes - people are either with you, or against you; no middle ground. People either love you or hate you. People in their cars are suddenly “the worst driver” you’ve ever met, etc etc. A lot of anger comes from splitting, and so relationships can often be fractured when someone with BPD is having a rough time with it. I am fortunate that my family and partner are aware of how my brain works, and they know when I am struggling and treat me with patience, love and kindness - as they always do. That said, I often let myself down with how I act in kind. I am not easy to be around in these periods - I can be “brutally honest”, more often look for negatives, I cry a whole lot more (to the point where if I tear bread as I’m buttering it, I need to walk away and have a good weep by myself) and the guilt that can come with these periods is excruciating.

I wish it were as simple as “well, if you know you’re doing it, then just stop/don’t do it” but even with therapy/medication/techniques, being aware of your impulses doesn’t give you full control over them. Knowing you can be hurting those you love and not being able to stop it (and being able to see yourself doing it) is heartbreaking. It can often lead to you pre-emptively pushing those people away before you hurt them - which hurts them equally as much, whether they understand your BPD or not.

Ultimately - I have come a long way with BPD, but it is something that still kicks my ass on a very regular basis. I hope that if you know somebody in your life who lives with BPD, that this has been a helpful insight. I am taking the next few days to be kind to myself, so I can have the clearest mind possible in order to remain kind to those who choose to have me in their lives. BPD is a very painful, often life-long diagnosis to have, but we must educate others about how people with BPD experience their symptoms in order to reduce stigma. I am a loving person. I am headstrong. I am loyal. I am very passionate and driven. Sometimes, I just need to be given a little more TLC - by those around me, and also by myself. I will continue to post as often as I can in this period and still hope to film a few exclusive videos for you towards the end of the week. Thank you all for reading (I know this was super long) and much love to you all. Take care of each other, check in with your loved ones, and celebrate the uniqueness of each and every human in your lives. ❤️

Emma