Behind-the-Song: Vampires pt.4

I said exsanguination AND I MEANT IT (kind of 😂)

I just want to be clear first and foremost that "exsanguination's real slow" is in fact the original way I wrote that last line. And I almost took it out of the song and replaced it with just "they're gonna drain you real slow". Because both lines fit. And low-key I was so in my head that a) people would not understand it or know what it means, and b) I got in my head about the concept of "you can't put that in a song". Because yes, I have, on multiple occasions, been told "you can't sing [insert long word]" / "you can't put [insert long word] jna a song!" 🙈

And listen...I get it. Okay? I know it's weird. And I know it makes it a little harder to sing along to sometimes. BUT IT IS THE BEST FIT AND I LIKE IT UGH.

So I decided to keep the original line. Suck it 💁‍♀️

Anyway...

And you know there is no escaping / You're either predator or prey / And I chose

Remember when I said I put myself in the situation to feel how I was feeling? To feel stuck, to feel like I was giving all of myself and then some and everyone was taking it all and still wanting more and what more could I give, etc. etc. etc.?

This is another acknowledgement of that. A more autonomous one, I think.

In the chorus, sure, it's "I called for vampires", right? And that's definitely an acknowledgement, too. But it feels more passive to me. Sure I called them, but we all say things. And I'm Canadian! Maybe I called the vampires because I was trying to be polite in inviting them over 😂

But I chose. I chose to be the "prey" in this analogy. I actively made the decision to give myself for people to take. And I am the wholly the reason I felt all those things. I am the reason I felt stuck there.

Of course it's more complicated in reality, but it paints a picture and I think ultimately did help me to visualize for myself that I did and do in fact have a choice in it all 🤷‍♀️ And I think that really helped me process things...it was kind of, counterintuitively, freeing.

And there's no, and there's no going back / It's death or drink / But death isn't fast / Exsanguination's real slow

For the purposes of ✨drama✨ though, there is no going back 😅 (Me? Dramatic? Never...)

For me, in addition to adding a bit of drama, this is about how it happens progressively. It's not an acute stress, it's a chronic and pernicious one.

With the recent burnout and the immense stresses of last month as well (shh it was fine and I was fine and I had no reason to be as stressed and upset as I was; that's honestly kind of the point I'm trying to make here), it's easier than ever for me to see and understand just how pernicious it is. I'm not still recovering from burnout because things were particularly bad or difficult. They were higher stress, sure, but I've done that before without being this burnt out. And last month genuinely wasn't anything I haven't been through before and wasn't anything I wasn't prepared for.

But the cumulative impact over time made it the worst it's ever been.

Sometimes you can know that you're giving too much and still not be able to stop. And you can do it for longer than one might think, but the longer you do...To use the analogy, the more blood you give, the more you have to replenish. And your body only replaces blood so quickly. And the less energy and resources your body has, the longer it takes. So if you keep giving up all your blood, slow and steady, but always just a little more than you have the capacity to replenish, any day could be enough to be near impossible to recover from. And any time you decide to increase how much you're giving, even if it's just for a short while, every day will be progressively worse and you'll be progressively less alive. Literally.

And the same goes for any resource. 🤷‍♀️