Behind-the-Song: Vampires pt.1 The Chorus

To be completely honest, I reaaaaaaaally debated whether or not to share this one 😅🫣 And for real, after you've read it, please tell me if you want the rest, or you would rather not know 😬

I wrote this song while I was trying to return to a regular streaming schedule post-concussion. I wasn't fully recovered yet, so I wasn't able to function outside of streams, and I was only able to stream for about 2.5 hours at a time, maximum. It was an incredibly difficult and scary time.

I had been bleeding money because of prior commitments and the extra costs of needing more accommodations and additional care. I hadn't streamed more than the odd one-off pop-up stream for nearly 2 months. And in that time I had no income besides the approximately $200/month that I got from Twitch from those who retained their sub during that time. I didn't even have Patreon yet, although a) I prefer to bank that for actual music stuff when possible, and b) it is not enough anyway unless I've been banking it for a while 😬

I was scared. So I returned to streams earlier than I should have. But it wasn't enough at first.

Side note: it is and always has been of the utmost importance to me that everyone feels welcome in streams regardless of whether they do or can give me money. That the stream is free and accessible to everyone. I never want anyone to ever feel obligated to give me their hard earned money. I never want anyone to feel responsible for paying my bills. I want people to feel comfortable and welcome to come and hangout regardless of circumstances and regardless of whether they paid to be there. I want the focus on the community, not the money...possibly to a fault 😅

So even when I am genuinely struggling, I might make a passing comment or be extra grateful for contributions, but I generally won't say anything. The most I might do is try to better incentivise 🤷‍♀️ And a big part of that is that I don't want to ask for money/more. Not out of pride, but because it is just so important to me that no one ever feels like they have to give me something to be there and spend time with me and the community, and no one feels guilty or less than if they don't have anything to spare. And also a little bit because it just feels icky 😅🙈 And when I see it in streams I'm watching, it often makes me feel uncomfortable, and I don't want to make others feel that way 🤷‍♀️

So returning to stream early, still recovering from the concussion, and having streams be pretty slow was extra difficult. Especially since I did actually have to reach out to a friend to spot me a bit for rent at the time 🫠 And I didn't just feel scared, I felt stuck.

I felt like I was already giving so much of myself – my time, my personality, my skills, and most importantly my energy, which I don't have a lot of on a good day 😬 And I didn't know how to make more money to be able to meet my needs, because I didn't have more to give. I barely had what I was giving already.

So I got to this point of feeling like... "What more can give when I'm already giving everything I have?" "What more can I do when I'm not physically capable of doing more?" "What do I do?" And to be completely honest, there was a part of me that felt a little bit resentful. And that's not anyone's fault. It was just the product of my circumstances.

And that's why I wrote this song.

Vampires/ They're coming for more than blood / They follow me home to feed from my soul / Don't care if there's nothing left on these weak bones

This actually feels so strange to be breaking down 😅😬

I wrote this about feeling drained. How I felt like people were taking everything I had, for nothing but crumbs. Like I was giving all of myself and every bit of energy I had, only to struggle more. I felt like I was working to the point of being not physically able to function just so I could get a few pennies and still not have enough to take care of myself.

And it felt like nobody cared that that's how I was feeling. That that was the cost of what they were getting.

I called for Vampires / Drain me of my life force (Mmm...Vampires)

And I did it to myself.

I decided to go back to streaming. I started streaming in the first place! And sure, I have more disabilities than I can count on one hand, and there's ultimately not a lot of options for me...but I decided not to try something else instead. It was all my decision. I did this to myself. I am responsible for how drained I was feeling.


Again, I want to make it very clear that none of this was ever anyone's fault 🫣 No one else is responsible for how I was feeling, not is anyone else responsible for paying my bills. I was just struggling and I didn't really tell anyone.