They are Smol, Lewd, and full of appropriate puns

Irr’tnail’nant tapped his claw-tips in an uneasy syncopation as he stepped out of the elevator. Next to him stretched a large transparent section of wall showing a vast expanse of rust-red sand and ancient cliffs. This was his first time on the [human] colony of [Mars]; while the Karnakian felt well-trained enough to interact with any of the little sapients without injuring them, he’d still been unprepared for the utter horror of suddenly being surrounded by so many of them instead of just one. The flock of small creatures in front of him emitted a bewildering array of head-sparkles, adding to his sensation overload. A particular pattern of recognizable head-sparkles separated from the constellation about him with a happy cry.

“[Hey, [Niel]! You made it!]”

The aforementioned ‘one’ darted out of the milling crowd of Little-Needs-Protectings and promptly smushed her face right into the middle of Irr’tnail’nant’s green-tinted chest-floof. He’d never had the heart to tell his friend [Anna Straková] that such displays of affection were somewhat frowned on by his particular sect. Such caresses were reserved for Karnakians who were…closer to each other than usual.

Instead of a lecture on Personal Space, he carefully placed his arms around her shoulders and returned the enthusiastic embrace. “|Of course I did!|” he chirped back. “|Your instructions were perfect. I just hope…|” His voice trailed off in a manner which betrayed his inner turmoil.

Thanks to the many unsung heroes responsible for galactic translator software, his diminutive friend picked up on his unease. She removed her face from its former floof-smushing position to stare up at him. “[You hope what? [Neil], Don’t worry about feeling unwelcome, my family insisted I bring you.]” The blonde-haired woman plucked herself away from his chest and took hold of his arm to steer him into the throng of Little-Needs-Protectings.

The crowd obligingly parted for the much bigger Karnakian, and to his relief there were no silent glares or visible irritation at his presence; he’d known that the [Mars] colony had its share of aliens, and it appeared that he was just another face in the crowd instead of the representative of some…unfortunate history. For that he was truly grateful.

Meanwhile Anna hugged his feathered arm to her chest as she kept talking. “[The sooner we get there, the sooner we can start with the debauchery. Father managed to score a truly gigantic cloned turkey, and my mom is pulling out all the stops. The appetizers alone will be plentiful enough to put us in a food coma.]”

He glanced down at her, then back at his more substantial body “|Thank you for the warning. So this whole holiday revolves around eating, yes?|”

She laughed, a sound which Irr’tnail’nant never tired of. “[Not merely eating, the point is to eat until you hate yourself.]”

He shrugged in a manner which managed to get across his much bigger size. “|I will certainly partake, but I can’t participate that much, otherwise I’d wind up eating everything.|”

“[What, are you on a diet? You don’t need one, you’ve got the [rockin’] bod going on.]” She squeezed his arm for emphasis, a maneuver which made Irr’tnail’nant crest-feathers shiver. He knew that [Anna] was a bit of a flirt with everyone on board their ship, but lately she’d become much more fixated on teasing him in particular. He wondered how much was teasing and how much was something…more? Little-Needs-Protectings had acquired a, shall we say, reputation among those lucky enough to have one on their crew.

His musings about her possible lewd intentions came to a sudden stop as another, horrifying thought came crashing into his head. He stopped dead, which given his size meant that Anna stopped dead as well.

“|I didn’t bring anything,|” he whispered.

“[Eh? What does that have to do with whatever?]” Her face suddenly scrunched up in an adorable manner as her head-sparkles swirled faster. “[I told you to bring yourself. If you’d needed to bring a gift I would have mentioned it. Now c’mon and stop your worrying.]” She tried tugging at his arm, but she might as well have been trying to tow a barge with her bare hands.

Irr’tnail’nant wanted to start tapping his claws together again, but that would have meant perforating [Anna’s] forearm.“[But, but, this is a festival meant to give thanks, yes? I should have a gift for your family for giving me shelter sustenance…]”

His distressed chirping was cut short by the Little-Needs-Protecting as she abruptly let go of his arm, gripped his chin, and pulled him down to her eye-level. Irr’tnail’nant went with that pull in a daze, and his eyes widened as he felt a pair of soft, small and very warm lips contact his own.

“[Just relax, okay? My family is cool. This is all about having a good time, not about worrying over every detail.]” Anna gave the very tip of his snout another gentle smooch and then took his arm again, now towing the giant and pole-axed Karnakian along without any problem.

Her next declaration was much less certain. “[I do have to warn you about one thing, though. My shameful family secret.]”

“|It can’t be that bad!|”

“[Oh yes it can. I need you to get ready to deal with my father…]”

________________________________

Anna grimaced as the door slid open, and that grimace wasn’t due to a too-small door for a too-tall alien. Thankfully her home colony was built with alien visitors in mind, so her friend Neil didn’t have to duck too much to get his feathered head-crest into her family’s warren. But as the feathered raptor straightened up, the source of her grimace let out a triumphant shout.

“HEEEY! You made it!” The source of that shout spread his beefy arms wide, his bald head split into a huge and welcoming grin. A dark, curly beard grew about his mouth and jaw, giving him the air of a medieval blacksmith.

She responded with a tight smile and waved a hand towards him. “Hey, dad. Great to see you whoof…” Her breath was driven from her as he grabbed that hand and pulled her into an almost-crushing embrace.

“Daaad…” she wheezed, which made him let her go.

His grin never faltered. “Now, now. You can’t blame me for being excited for seeing my girl again! After five years, yet! And you’ve brought this friend! Never had a Karnakian here, for sure this’ll be a Thanksgiving to remember!”

Irr’tnail’nant extended a tentative clawed finger towards her father, and she knew he was wondering if he was going to get a struggle-snuggle of his own. Instead, to her relief, Daniel Straková settled for merely giving the proffered digit a hearty shake.

“[I am Irr’tnail’nant,] said the giant fluffy raptor who could totally disembowel anyone in one second flat but now looked like the most nervous teen-ager ever getting introduced to his crush’s shotgun-toting father. “[I thank you for your hospitality and for the invitation.]”

“[Neil,]” added Anna in a stage-whisper.

Daniel smiled wider and kept up his careful shake of Neil’s finger. “Very, very pleased ta meetcha, Neil. I’m Dan. Now all three of us all gotta get back in the kitchen and help out or the missus is gonna tan my hide for certain.”

The Karnakian glanced back at his own feathered tail. “[Pardon for asking, but will I fit?]

“Ah, don’t worry about it. A bit of crowding makes for an even better story in years to come. Now let’s go give ‘em pumpkin to talk about!”

Anna did not miss the evil glee on her father’s face, and her guts churned in despair. Neil was going to realize she was descended from a gigantic army of dorks. “Daaaad, we talked about the puns!”

________________________________

To Irr’tnail’nant’s immense relief, it turned out that Karnakian claws were the most perfect instrument ever for making pie crust. Barta, the matriarchal Little-Needs-Protecting at his elbow, watched with a practiced eye as he kept up the pokey-pokey into the giant bowlful of flour and animal lard set before them.

The flock’s matriarch seemed pleased, although to be fair it was hard to tell based on either her expression or her head-sparkles. “[Yes, just work it like that. It’s not kneading, you’re working the butter into the flour without melting it. That’s how you get it crust nice and flaky. Hmm, you’re good at this.]”

Irr’tnail’nant’s position on his ship involved molecular-level duplication of repair components, some of which were so complicated that it would be many decades until the Little-Needs-Protectings could be told about them. In spite of that, Barta’s praise made him prouder than any day he’d ever had at work. “|I shall continue to work it, madame!|”

It was at that point that [Anna’s] father sidled up to the pair and said in a very proud and happy voice, “[Why did the chef refuse to crack an egg? He didn't want to whisk it.]"

The clan’s matriarch pushed his grinning face away with a disgusted grunt. Her grave mien softened as she gave Irr’tnail’nant’s feathered shoulder a hearty pat. “[Just ignore that doofus. Once it’s all incorporated into a dough, bring it over to the center. We’re gonna need at least six pies.]”

The Karnakian thought he’d mis-heard. Based on what he knew of caloric content of various foodstuffs and given the number of Little-Needs-Protectings present, surely three would suffice? Even given his own outsized needs? There was a lot of other food being prepared, after all…

Time slowed to a stop as he looked about. Anna’s family numbered fifteen, including three very Little-Needs-Protectings who’d been chased out of the kitchen because they kept wanting to climb up onto his tail. He’d been fine with that, but the family’s matriarch did not want such nonsense going on in her kitchen and Irr’tnail’nant was not about to argue the point with her.

The rounded, red-tinted walls of the warren surrounded them all as he took stock. There was some sort of roast beast already in the oven cooking away, which in itself was also filled with some sort of grain-based product? Plus a truly epic proportion of mashed tubers sprinkled liberally with dairy product and more grain-based product. Then another epic amount of green vegetables slathered with some sort of white sauce and…yes, again, coated liberally with grain and dairy products.

And then there was the pulpy red fruit, made into a giant pile of mush of its own.

And there were also rolls made out of still more grain product. A literal mountain of rolls.

The young Little-Needs-Protecting assigned to setting up the aforementioned roll-mountain rolled her eyes as Anna’s father appeared over her shoulder with a smile. "[They see me rollin', they hatin']."

The roll-attender scoffed at the phrase, while in front of her she piled up more dairy product to go with those rolls.

It was at that point that Irr’tnail’nant realized exactly what he was in for.

________________________________

“Aaaand here we go!” Anna managed to not cringe out of her skeleton as her father (with a bit of effort) brought in the turkey. It was a true giant of a roasted bird, with a nice brown roasted sheen and a profusion of stuffing pouring out of it. The rest of table groaned under the weight of the literal mountain of food which her family (under her mother’s supervision) had created.

Neil sat near the front of the long table, his limbs and feathers tucked under him in a polite gesture to keep the humans to either side of him from getting engulfed in his floof or feathers. His yellow, reptilian eyes widened as Daniel managed to set the turkey triumphantly at the head of the table. Her father stepped back, his eyes shining in triumph as he looked up at Neil’s face.

Neil, in contrast, did not look happy at all. His feathered crest lay flat against his head in a sign of distress which any sapient could pick up on. Everyone at the table looked at the very brown, very tasty looking, and oh dear so very dead giant bird laid out at the front of the table, right next to their guest of honor…who had a very bird-like look of his own.

Anna smacked her hand over her face as the penny dropped. They’d just plonked something down in front of her friend (and someone who, she had to admit, she was trying to get to be more than a friend) which looked like a skinned and roasted version of a Karnakian newborn.

She burst out before she could second-guess herself. “It’s not what it looks like!”

To his credit, her father picked up on the faux pas right away. “Oh. Oh, right! No, it’s a turkey. They don’t look anything like you!” With admirable speed Daniel whipped out his phone and with a few hasty keystrokes managed to call up a photo of a live turkey.

Irr’tnail’nant peered at the proffered image of a wattled fowl while Anna peeked over her hand. The table was deathly quiet; even the three little gremlins who’d been trying to climb all over Neil understood this was a time for shutting up.

She wished that time travel was possible, because she would for sure go back in time and tell her past self to not allow her good friend to have something which looked like a cooked Karnakian hatchling placed in front of him.

Neil’s trilling laugh cut through her and her family’s unease. “[Oh, I see! Yes, that looks nothing like a hatchling. So that’s a turkey, yes?]”

Daniel grinned as Anna groaned internally. Another pun was incoming. "Yep, that’s what they look like. You know, my family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I said I couldn't quit cold turkey."

A collective groan sounded out through the warren’s dining room. Neil cocked his head like a pigeon sizing up a bread crumb for consumption, then after a moment he burst out with another delighted trill. “Oh, I see! I must say that [human] languages are so very interesting, what with using the same word for different meanings.]” His feather-crest brushed against the sandstone roof of the dining room as he bowed towards her father. “[I thank you for allowing me to partake in your dining rituals, and your word-play. Although I must admit, it does not seem that your family appreciates your word-play.]”

The bearded man shrugged. “You have not begun to glimpse the depths of my pun powers. After all, I'm all about that baste."

That resulted in another collective groan and another face-palm by Anna.

Satisfied that he’d finally embarrassed his eldest daughter enough, Daniel gestured to the repast laid out in front of them all. "Activate: Feast Mode."

________________________________

Daniel now lay in his favorite recliner, seemingly out cold while a game played out in the opposite wall. This was the first bowl game ever played on Mars, and Anna expected it to set off her alien friend something fierce. After all, he’d hyperventilate if she got so much as a paper cut; in front of him sat arrayed two rows of beefy humans slamming themselves into each other over and over.

But instead of him wringing his hands together and tut-tutting over such ‘extreme’ violence, Irr’tnail’nant lay splayed out on the floor next to her father with his hands laced over his distended tummy. “[I hate myself.]”

“I told you, that’s the point,” she murmured. Her hands were likewise clutching at her own smaller-but-still expanded tummy. “It’s the same every year. Every year, you promise that you’re just gonna have a little nibble here and there, but before you know it you’ve eaten a week’s worth of calories in a single day.”

Daniel stirred in his recliner. "Gobble 'til you wobble," he murmured.

“DAAAAD!”

That was the first time that Anna got to see a Karnakian go into a full-bore laughing fit. The chirping noise was enough to bring forth the dreaded form of Barta, who regarded then and her husband’s dozing form with unexpected tenderness.

“You all need to settle down,” she said in a frosty tone which belied her warm look. “I think you two need to go to bed. We’ve kept your room just as it was.”

Anna looked askance at her mother. “Us two?” She motioned towards Irr’tnail’nant and then towards herself. “In the, er, same room?”

“It’s still your room. Not to mention it’s the only spare space we have.” She motioned with her head towards Neil’s giant form. Fortunately the giant alien was fixated on the game and missed her indication, which Anna was very grateful for.

“Aaall right.” Anna roused herself and touched Irr’tnail’nant on his elbow. He twitched at the unexpected contact, and turned to peer down at her. Back when she’d first met a Karnakian face-to-face, such a predatory and unblinking stare would have made her run screaming. But by this point she knew it was just her good friend Neil looking with interest at her head-sparkles.

“[Eh? Oh, is it time to retire for the evening?]”

“Sure. Are you tired?”

“[I confess that I am. It has been a very strenuous day, yet very rewarding.]” His crest rose. “[After all, I learned how to make pie crust!]”

Barta broke out in a uncharacteristic smile. “And you did a very good job at it! I’ll have to insist that you come back next year.” She followed up with a shoo-ing motion with her hands. “Now just go to bed so that my husband can sleep.”

Of course her father couldn’t let her retire for the night without one last mumbled pun. "Baste. Thanksgiving. Ever."

________________________________

Her bed was far too small to accommodate Irr’tnail’nant, so they’d set up an inflatable mattress next to it. He regarded both it and his sickle-clawed toes with caution.

Anna yawned as she walked behind him. She’d changed into some gray fuzzy pajamas. “Don’t worry, Neil. It’s made of Kevlar or something, you won’t puncture it.”

After a bit of shifting around, they settled for spooning as the best option. At first Anna contemplated trying to seduce her large bunkmate, but right now she felt about as sexy as a bloated grub. She settled for having one of Neil’s arms tucked around her in lieu of a blanket.

She dozed for a few hours before she woke out of her food-coma, still the little spoon. Anna wriggled herself around so that she faced his chest. The motion made Neil give out a faint curious trill. She stroked one hand through paler green downy feathers before her. His singlet-style outfit made sure that his nethers were covered, and yet the soft glory of his chest was fully exposed to her hands. Her caress made her big companion shudder, but she knew it was due to pleasure rather than pain.

“Are you feeling better?” she murmured. She for sure felt better and less overstuffed.

“[I am as long as you keep doing that,]” Irr’tnail’nant replied. His clawed hand scribed gently along her scalp, giving her a pleasing tingle. Her delighted shiver made him clutch her closer to him in an automated ‘protect-the-hatchling’ response.

But a father-daughter relationship was something she didn’t want. She relaxed into Irr’tnail’nant’s embrace, but also tapped his keeled chest to get his attention.

“What…” she paused and tried to get her thoughts in order. “What are we?”

“[We’re crew-mates!]” he replied with a little too much enthusiasm for her taste.

“And what are we beyond that? I mean, let’s be honest I really want to find out what you’re packing. We just need to keep quiet, you know?”

Irr’tnail’nant’s narrow, snouted face became slack as he realized what she was implying. “[Oh. So that, what is the word, kiss you gave me was not done in mere friendship…]”

Anna interrupted him by scootching up along his exposed chest to plant another unexpected kiss on his thin, scaled lips. She held his yellow eyes as she caressed his narrow cheek with a warm, soft hand.

“Neil. You’ve been a very good friend. And yes, I would love to be more than that. I want to make you happy, but you have to promise to be silent. My mother will give us such a look if we make too much noise.”

“[I promise. Um, what did you have in mind?]”

In response Anna waggled her eyebrows and let her tongue loll out of her mouth. He let out a small, strangled noise that sounded like hurk as she reached for the deep ‘vee’ of his singlet-like uniform and began to pull it down.

“[Oh, I should warn you that our genitals are different than other species.]”

“The bioelectric thing? Yep, I read up on it.” She kept pulling and within a few moments had shucked her friend out of his outfit. She gazed down at his junction and saw the purple tip of Little Neil emerging. Although as it expanded she realized that was a very wrong title.

“Whoah.”

“[Sorry, is it not pleasing in appearance?]”

“No, it looks amazing. You look amazing, it’s just…big. Now remember, no noise.” She pulled of her pajama top, then after a bit of consideration flipped onto her back to remove her pants as well. She suddenly felt a bit of self-consciousness herself, but her fears fled as she knelt next to Neil. His keeled chest heaved deeper as he gazed with obvious lust at her naked form.

With a smile she reached for his manhood, only to be stopped by a whisper from Neil. “[Wait.]”

“Sorry, are we going too fast? I don’t mind cuddling if that’s what you would prefer.”

“[No, it’s just that you and your family have been so kind. May I pay you back at least in part?]”

“How?”

His clawed hands gripped carefully at her hips, then before Anna could blink she found herself staring at the ceiling, with Neil’s giant fanged muzzle hovering very close to her most sensitive parts. He cheekily waggled his crest feathers and let his own, much larger tongue loll from his mouth as he mimicked her earlier lewdness.

“[As [humans] like to say, ladies first.]”

Anna almost broke her own rule about remaining quiet as Neil gave her nether lips a careful yet firm lick. She clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle her moans as explored her. It didn’t take long before he’d figured out her anatomy and exactly which parts he should attend to. She closed her eyes partially out of passion but also that she didn’t have to look down at all of those teeth right next to her crotch.

Her breath wheezed faster as her Karnakian lover switched tactics and began gently penetrating her with that amazing tongue. It filled her completely, with enough left over to wriggle against her clit. The feeling of that rough surface stimulating her made Anna’s back arch. She was already close, so close…

With a slurp, Neil suddenly pulled his tongue back out. She moaned again into her hand, this time in disappointment. “[Anna, look at me please,]” he whispered.

She opened her eyes and looked down. As she’d expected, the sight of his muzzle created a little bit of fear but that was swamped by her need for more of that amazing tongue. It took a moment for her to find her voice. “Something wrong?”

“[No, I just want to look into your eyes as I pleasure you. It adds to your aura.]”

“Oh, I seeuuuugh!” Her hand went back over her mouth as Neil began to tongue-fuck her in earnest, his eyes never leaving hers. Within a few minutes she knew she wasn’t going to hold out much longer against this new assault, and she gave a muffled babbling cry as she climaxed.

She sprawled bonelessly on the mattress as Neil’s voice dripped with satisfaction. “[That was amazing. Your aura becomes so intense.]”

Anna felt safe enough in removing her hand. “Whuahalnaflkng…dang, if I’d known you could do that I would’ve jumped you long ago.” She sat up and stretched her arms over her head, not missing the little flinch Neil gave as he heard her vertebrae crackle. “Now it’s your turn.”

With a bit of awkward shuffling they switched places, this time with Anna hovering over Neil’s member. His purple organ daunted her a little, but she was going to give him just as much pleasure or die trying. She ran an exploratory hand up the entire length, smiling as Neil shuddered. An electrified tingle ran up her arm as well, but it was faint enough to be pleasant rather than painful.

Neil flopped back and panted as she began to use both hands on his cock. A bit of stroking resulted in a clear droplet forming at its pointed tip, and she leaned forward to lick it off. Another tingle ran along her tongue. “Hmm, salty,” she whispered. She took him back into her mouth and ran her tongue around the tip, causing Neil to let out a soft and delighted trill.

She grinned evilly up at him. “Rememba, nah noise.” Hmm, her tongue was already going numb; it might be difficult to just use her mouth and hands on him as she’d planned. Anna decided she was going for broke on this. She scooted forward and clasped his cock right in between her tits, then took the tip back in her mouth and began sucking with a will while using her whole body to masturbate him.

The tingling from his cock spread throughout her body, and within a minute she knew that this was going to be a race between getting her alien lover off and her going numb. Based on the way his clawed feet trembled, she knew he was enjoying her ministrations. But he managed to keep silent, apart from a few peeps.

Anna was glad she’d kept in shape; this was turning into a full-body workout. Then she heard a welcome whisper from Neil.

“[Close…]”

She mashed her tits, molding them tightly against his member and reveling in the resulting tingle which spread over her nipples. By now her tongue was completely numb, so she switched tactics and began bobbing her head.

That did the trick; the Karnakian gasped and his taloned feet clutched at the mattress. Anna felt his seed rumbling up his prick. She managed to get her mouth free and eyes closed just in time to receive it full in the face. Within moments her face and chest were drenched. She sputtered and wiped at her eyes, suddenly realizing that she’d forgotten to bring something to clean herself off. Oh well, she could use her pajamas in a pinch…

A small whistling sound filled the room. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

At first she thought it was Neil, but he looked down at her in equal puzzlement. Then the penny dropped, and she looked behind her. Sure enough, besides one of Neil’s claws was a small hole. The entire mattress shifted as it slowly deflated.

Eeeeeeeeee….

“[Sorry,]” Neil whispered.

Anna shrugged and gave his member a final loving stroke. She wriggled her tongue around in her mouth to experiment with talking. Nope, not happening any time soon unless she wanted to sound like a head trauma victim. She settled for patting one of his legs to let him know ‘no problem’, then used her pajama top to clean both herself and him. Thankfully she had spares.

Neil turned back onto his side and she crawled up to nestle next to his chest. She gave his snout a kiss, and he responded with a grateful lick across her forehead. After a little while, the room stilled again and became filled with the gentle snores of a human and her alien lover. And also with the sound of a still-deflating mattress.

Eeeeeeeeee…

________________________________

The next (late) morning, Anna 90% sure they’d gotten away with it. Well, apart from her mother who’d pretty much given her blessing the night before. Irr’tnail’nant, for his part, acted cool and collected…right up until he saw the dining table had been re-festooned with more food, including the half-demolished carcass of that giant turkey

Her father greeted the pair as they entered. “Good morning, sleepyheads!”

The Karnakain stared at the table, then collected himself and bowed towards Daniel. “[I bid you good day as well…um, apologies for my ignorance but I thought the feast was only yesterday.]”

“Ah, but this is another Thanksgiving tradition. Leftovers!” His enthusiasm waned a bit as Neil’s head-crest drooped. “Well, you can just have a nibble if you want.”

“[If it won’t cause offense, I think I will limit my partaking.]”

Anna nodded. “Me too, dad. Oh and after this I want to show Neil how we decorate for Christmas.”

Neil brightened back up. “Ah, yes! [Anna] has told me all about this next holiday. I understand there is a tree involved?]”

Her father smiled in a way she knew all too well. "There is, but we’ll worry about the Christmas tree later.” He gestured at the table “Today it’s all about the poul-tree."