March Update - Burnout

Hi guys.

March was sparse. I fell, and am still in a pretty bad spiral of burnout. A lot of my motivation for art has dried up and I'm trying to discover a new source of it, either in method or medium or what-have-you. I had meant to pause the April billing cycle due to this, but I thought billing occurred on the second of the month, for some reason. So April will still be billed, but as a result of this mix-up and the lack of posts, I've paused May's payment cycle. Even if I get back to regular posting, that'll stay in place.

Maybe it's quarantine getting to me, maybe it's the weather, maybe it's age, maybe I'm just bored and don't have the tools to figure out how to make things "fun" again. I'm not really sure. There's a lot in my mind at odds with one another, whether its the subject matters I tackle or what personal work means to me. The space piece this month was received well, and people had and have still been reaching out to make sure I'm okay.

Quite frankly, that answer changes hourly. For me, art was never much of something for "fun". There was a small period I would draw for a friend, but it very quickly -- within a year of me starting to draw -- turned into me working and studying and taking things seriously in college. When I was in that first year, "fun" for me was all about copying entertainment media like Left 4 Dead concept art or Final Fantasy character drawings. As a result, I guess you could say since the beginning that my artistic background has always been rooted in someone else's IP or ideas.

So what happens when every entertainment medium seems to be going down the road to early access/unfinished work; monopolizing under shady business deals and cut-throat end-stage capitalism; lootboxes, gambling, and preying upon addictive tendencies; insular and tight-knit circles that are hard to enter into, and yet still are prone to plagiarism, theft, sexual harassment and abuse, or aggressive blackmail; and NFTs spreading, sparking battles on an individual artist level while corporations laugh about "Taco Bell NFT!" or "haha Charmin NFT(P)!" and the environment heats up that little bit faster?

I guess burnout accelerates as well. It still stings, feeling like plans A through E have fallen apart, and now even F is starting to burn at the edges. The only thing I've felt, recently, like I have control over is what I make for personal work or in private commissions, but even then... Have you ever felt like your own interests are at odds with one another? My audience tends to lie in one of two camps: Fantasy, like dragons, knights, and magic, or LGBTQ themes/masculinity, images of bodybuilders or pinups. The venn diagram of those who are fans of both is sometimes very slim depending on the specific subject portrayed.

I love both genres. To absolute death, I love both genres. So how do I marry them, how do I do what I want to do without also feeling like I'm embarrassing myself to both crowds at the same time? Watching professionals talk about having respect for people who may do NSFW for a job, then turn around and talk about how NSFW imagery is an "easy way" to make money is rough. Watching people talk of D&D or high magic and how it needs more inclusivity at times is nice, then watching as LGBTQ details are swept under rugs or dropped hurts. I feel like trying to engage with both my interests risks alienating both at the same time, and so I'm paralyzed. And that's assuming my stuff is even of value to the larger public sphere, taking into consideration my output or skill level.

It's a mess in my head, to be 100% honest. And then trying to do art on top of it... It takes a lot of my energy just to get out of the bed the past month, let alone do most things. Art feels like a luxury even to me. But I don't want to leave you guys with almost nothing, so. I have a few things to share. I tried to be a little productive some days, but the most I was really able to do was sketch-work and fiddling at a painting. I'll share them with you below.

Again, thank you guys for being so patient with me. I'm slowly feeling a little more like I want to paint, to draw, to make things again, but it's been very slow going, to be sure. I apologize that I haven't maybe been as prominent as some may have liked, looking at exit surveys, or just general output as a whole compared to some who are machines. I just fear letting people down, yet get so paralyzed by that fear that I sometimes wind up doing it regardless out of inability to function, and well... Here we are. I guess that's where this winds up after all, huh.

I am trying to get myself back on my feet. March felt mostly like my face was in the dirt. This first day of April feels more like I'm at least sitting up, even if I'm leaning on a wall for support, catching my breath, trying not to fall asleep. I just need to get on my hands and knees somehow, and then stand and move again. Just feels monumental right now. Thank you for being so, so gosh dang patient with me. I don't deserve your kindness. But it means so much more to me than you may know. Thank you, all of you.

^ @Monkeybsns on Twitter.

^ @DarkGodHybrid on Twitter

^ @BobcatRobin on Twitter.

^ 3D model quick test, after adding elbow, knees, hands, rear, and smoothing details out. Will be of my Boxelder bug dude, Bruce, eventually. Doing the head next, then a lot of sculpting. Slow progress.

^ WIP for @SombreveFA on Twitter. Meant for a birthday, missed the deadline, now just using as practice for things. Very, very slow progress.